The New Doctor Who and Torchwood!

Episode 11 : The Doctor’s Drinking

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, Captain Jack, and Harriet Jones.

(The Doctor talks to Rose, while Jack talks to Gwen, and K-9, Harriet, and Sarah Jane talk. The destroyed Dalek pieces lay everywhere in their underground base.)

R: The Daleks are all gone?
D: Well, the Emperor and those primary coloured ones.
CJ: I think that’s all of them.
G: Torchwood records only said of a blue and yellow one left.
S: I’m glad they’ve all gone, I spent ages here trying to stop them.
K-9: What shall we do now mistress?
S: I’m not sure. Doctor, what are you doing now?
D: Sitting in an underground Dalek base.
S: No, no, I mean after we all leave this place.
D: I’m not sure, what should we all do next?
R: Go on that date you still owe me?
G: You still owe me one Jack.
CJ: I could take you on one.
K-9: What about all the remaining aliens?
CJ: We’re not taking them with us.
S: No, he meant what are you going to do about all the aliens?
D: Well, I reckon the Torchwood Tower could help.
H: It did all start from there.
G: Are we going with them?
CJ: I don’t mind, it could be quite fun.
D: You don’t have to.
R: But their help could be useful.
G: Then we’re going.
K-9: Should we go there now?
R: You two are also coming?
S: I see no reason not to. I want to put a stop to all this alien trouble.
R: Let’s go!

(She walks to the doorway.)

R: Does anybody actually know how to get out of here?
D: Well, we came in through the entrance that was… I have no idea.
G: Do you know Sarah Jane? You’ve been down here for ages, I’m sure you now your way around.
S: No, I don’t, that’s the reason I’ve been down here, I couldn’t get out.
CJ: Well, let’s try.

(Sarah Jane, followed by everyone else leave the room and enter a destroyed corridor.)

R: Why’s all this destroyed?
K-9: The Emperor smashed his way through the base to get at us, he knocked down a lot of walls.
G: He destroyed his own base?
D: K-9, don’t you have some sort of teleport function?
K-9: No, sorry, master.
CJ: Would my Vortex Manipulator get us out?
D: Of course, I’m glad I fixed it now.
R: Could it transport all of us at once?
CJ: I don’t know, I’ve only ever used it for two people.
K-9: The device will only carry four of us.
R: And there are so many of use, we’ll need about three hundred trips.
H: What are you talking about? There’s only forty two of us.
R: Oh yeah, sorry, I failed my maths GCSE.
G: There’s only seven of us! What grade did you get?
R: “G“.
H: “Z“.
G: A “Z”?
H: Yeah, highest mark in my days.
D: Anyway, could we teleport to the TARDIS, I could come back and pick everyone up?
CJ: We could, so who’s coming?

(Everyone except Harriet says “me!”.)

S: So we all want to go.
H: Go where?
G: So, Harriet’s not going. Who is then?
D: We need to decide fairly.
CJ: I’ve got a pack of cards, we could play one hand of poker.
H: Are those the alien playing cards?
CJ: Yeah.
H: I’ve got a set of those, straight from the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
G: Jack! You’ve shopped there?!
CJ: No, Owen got them for me for Christmas.
D: Let’s just play, or we’ll be here forever.

Scene 2

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, and Blue Gelth.

(Yvonne and Bilis are following the floating Gelth to Torchwood Tower, they are very close.)

Y: Oh yes, we’re almost there.
BG: True, not far now.
B: What will we do when we get there?
Y: I never really thought about that. Well, first I suppose we could see my staff.
B: If they’re still in there.
Y: I would expect them to be. I didn’t give them time off.
BG: Maybe some aliens took over Torchwood Tower.
Y: Hardly, with the weapons in that place, it would be almost impossible to get into.
B: So how are we going to get in?
Y: Don’t worry about that, it’s defences are weak. We’ll easily get in.
BG: I wouldn’t be so sure that weapons can stop some of those aliens in Torchwood’s prisons.
B: You was in the Torchwood prison?
BG: Yes, for a few hundred years actually.
B: Couldn’t you just float through the wall, and escape?
Y: It would be almost impossible to escape those prisons.
BG: Except loads of aliens did.
Y: How?
BG Those warders left the doors open, unluckily never to my cell, but a least a hundred aliens got out.
Y: Why wasn’t I told?!
BG: The warders probably didn’t want to get fired, so just kept pretending the prisoners were still down there. I enjoyed it for a about eighty years, free food, no bills, it was the best life I could hope for. Except there was no hot water.
Y: No hot water? There’s always water in Torchwood Tower.
BG: Not in the basement prisons, no one had nice, hot water down there.
B: I hate boilers that break down, I was once in a retirement home, in Cardiff, taking a tour of course, to see if anyone would buy some clocks, and there was no hot water, it was impossible to have a bath, er…er… I mean, sell a clock.
BG: My great grandma is from Cardiff.
B: Very nice. Anyway, there was no hot water, so I moved out, I mean… went to another house to sell clocks.

(The three of them arrive at Torchwood Tower. The glass on the doors is broken, and Yvonne enters, then Bilis, then the Gelth.)

B: That security was very high. I t seemed as though I just walked in normally.
Y: Oh, be quite, we’re here now.
B: So, where to now?
Y: Top floor, that’s where my staff will be.

(Yvonne and Bilis go to the elevator.)

BG: (In an evil voice.) You will be meeting my parents, come with me!

Scene 3

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Harriet Jones, K-9, and Sarah Jane Smith.

(Rose, Jack, Gwen, Harriet, K-9, and Sarah Jane sit on the floor while the Doctor sits down shuffling a pack of cards.)

D: Here are your cards.

(The Doctor deals two cards to each of the players, then puts the pack in the centre.)

R: Oh yes! This hand is great! But they must make some of these up, I mean, ‘Rose Tyler’, where did they get that one from?
S: Is that one of your cards?
R: Yes, but who is it?
H: I don’t know either, about half of these cards are made up, like this one I’ve got, ’The Doctor’, what a silly idea.
D: Let’s just play.
CJ: I’ll start, and fold.
G: I’ll put a card back and draw another. (She does so.)
S: I’m staying with what I’ve got.
K-9: My hand is the WORST! (He uses a nose cannon to blow up his cards.) How on Earth was two ‘Cybermen’ going to help me?!
D: I’ll bet fifty pounds.
R: We’re not betting, it’s just one round, with no money, and besides, you don’t have fifty pounds.
D: I might have that much money, anyway, I’ll stick.
R: Stick what?
D: It’s the poker term for keeping your hand.
R: Okay, I’ll also glue.
H: I’ll prit stick as well.
G: This game is taking too long. Just quickly show the three cards and we’ll finish then.
D: Okay, calm down, what’s the worst that can happen in half an hour?
G: There’s aliens all over London, most of them are dangerous, there are loads of things that could happen in half an hour.
D: Okay, we’ll speed up the game.

(The Doctor turns over the three cards, there are three different Cybermen.)

K-9: What?! I could of had five of a kind! Give me back my cards!
S: You destroyed them, how can I?
G: Just ignore him. Let’s lay down our hands. (She shows a Graske and a Slitheen.) That’s three of a kind for the Cybermen.
S: (She shows a Dalek Sec and a Dalek Caan.) I’ve got three of a kind, and a pair.
K-9: I would have had five of a kind, but someone, not naming Sarah Jane, told me to destroy my cards.
S: I never told you to.
K-9: Oh yes you did.
R: Shut up, what have you got, Doctor?
D (He shows a sonic screwdriver and a sonic lipstick.) Same as Sarah Jane.
R: As for me. (She shows two Rose Tylers.) I don’t think I’ve got anything at all.
H: (She shows The Doctor and Yvonne Hartman.) Read them a beep.
CJ: It’s read them and weep, but why should we?
H: That’s a royal flush.
G: Royal flush?! Where?!
H: Doctor, Cyberman, Punching Cyberman, Cyberman with eye closed, and Yvonne, that’s a royal flush.
G: No it isn’t.
CJ: (Quickly.) So I’m glad this is settled, me, Gwen, the Doctor, and Rose are going.
K-9: What?!
S: I beat Rose.
H: What about my royal flush?!
D: Sounds fine to me, Jack. Come on Rose.

(The Doctor, Gwen, Rose, and Captain Jack hold the Vortex Manipulator, and they disappear.)

H: My royal flush won me that game!
S: Oh, shut up, you make up the rules as you go along.
K-9: (Angry.) And I lost my cards because you told me to do it, Sarah Jane!

(K-9 shoots at Sarah Jane, the shots miss, and Sarah Jane runs down the corridor.)

Scene 4

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, and Blue Gelth.

(Yvonne and Bilis back away towards the elevator, as the Blue Gelth floats towards them.)

BG: You will come with me. This is the final time I will say it. My parents will be very happy to see you two.
Y: What do you want with us?
BG: I want you to come with me.
Y: You said you wasn’t going to say that again.
BG: Well, I lied.
B: What do your parents want with us?
BG: They just want to see you.
B: And then they’ll such out our brains and have them for lunch.
BG: Of course not, that would be barbaric.
B: Oh, that’s good then.
BG: We’ll take your brains and eat them for dinner, it’s way too late for lunch.

(Yvonne and Bilis stand against the elevator door.)

Y: We’re trapped.
BG: Now unfortunate. Looks like you will do what I want now.
Y: And what’s that?
BG: Come with me.
B: You said it again, you’ve lied twice.
BG: Oh, well, it doesn’t matter. My family are in the basement, if you would go first.
Y: (Shocked.) There’s a basement here? I’ve never heard of one. Is it new?
BG: There’s been a basement for ages, it’s called the prison.
Y: Oh, yeah, that’s been here for quite some time.

(Yvonne presses an elevator button, no one realises except her.)

BG: Will you come quietly? Or will I have to force you?
B: I’ll come quietly, I’ve got a dry throat, and don’t feel like shouting that much.
Y: We’re not coming at all.
BG: (Shocked.) What do you mean?!
Y: The elevator will take us away.

(Yvonne turns around to face the elevator doors. Above the doors is a little screen that reads “Floor 2”.)

Y: (Facing the Blue Gelth.) Could you just wait for a few seconds?
BG: Oh, of course, if I was so intelligent as to not let you get away, how would I wear myself out trying to catch up to you?

(The elevator doors open, Yvonne jumps in and pulls Bilis by the cravat. The doors close.)

BG: Wait a minute, I don’t want them to escape.

(Back in the elevator: Yvonne stands up, and Bilis is rubbing is neck and holding a ripped cravat.)

B: You ripped my cravat.
Y: I bought you that, it doesn’t matter that much.
B: Could that ghost thing actually touch us?
Y: What do you mean?
B: When it healed me after I was stunned, I couldn’t feel it.
Y: Maybe it can’t, anyway, we’ve escaped it now.
B: Are you sure it can’t go through walls?
Y: I hope it can’t.
B: This cravat was my best friend, you killed him.
Y: I’ll buy you another one for Christmas.
B: A solid gold one?
Y: Okay, a solid gold one.

(The Blue Gelth comes through the wall, into the elevator.)

B: Ahhh! It’s back!
BG: You will come with me.
Y: We’ve already told you that you keep saying that even though you said that you will only say it once and…
BG: (Interrupting.) I don’t care! I always lie! Shut up!

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, and Gwen

(The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, and Captain Jack appear in the Tate Modern, next to the TARDIS.)

D: Well, we’re here.
R: Let’s get in and fly off to K-9, and Sarah Jane Smith.
CJ: Do you think they’ll be angry with us?
G: Of course not.
R: We only left them, it’s not as I K-9 will shot them, or something like that.
D: Yeah, but it would be funny if that happened.
CJ: Are we going in?
G: Come on, I wanna see the inside of this TARDIS.
D: Go on in then.

(The Doctor opens the door, Gwen, Jack, Rose, and then the Doctor go in. The Doctor closes the doors behind him.)

G: It’s smaller on the inside.
D: Oh, is it, I hadn’t realised.
CJ: I think it’s actually bigger on the inside.
G: Oh, bigger, smaller, they’re the same things really.
R: (Sarcastic.) Almost.
CJ: So this is the only room?
D: Of course not, I’ve got a room for nearly everything in here.
G: A casino?
D: Yep, room two hundred and four.
CJ: A gym?
R: There’s four of them.
D: But you do have to get memberships for each one.
G: Wow, this place has got a lot.
CJ: What about a mini-bar?
D: Yes, I have, it’s newly fitted actually.

(The Doctor claps his hands, and a panel on the central control panel slowly lifts up to reveal a mini-bar with about one hundred small bottles.)

G: WOW! How many bottles are there?
D: Ninety-six.
G: Will I have heard of them?
D: Not really, eighty of those aren’t available in Cardiff.
CJ: So we’ve heard of around sixteen?
R: Ninety-six take away eighty is three thousand, can’t you count, Jack?
G: Can I have a few bottles?
D: Go straight ahead, but let’s not get drunk, we do have to get back to Sarah Jane Smith.
R: When shall we pick them up?
CJ: Oh, later, let’s have a good time first.

(Gwen and Captain Jack run to the mini-bar and start looking at the bottles. The Doctor and Rose walk over to meet them.)

G: (Looking at a bottle.) What’s this, it’s called ’Strongbow’?
D: It’s an English thing, you wouldn’t have heard of it.
R: (Looking at a bottle.) What’s ‘Moxx Juice’?
D: It’s an alcohol from the future.
R: Cool, an alien drink. (She drinks it.) Tastes of bacon.
D: That’s what it’s meant to be like.
G: I’ve found an alien drink, it’s called ‘Stella’. I won’t drink it though, I hate bacon.
R: (Whispering.) Is ‘Stella’ an alien drink?
D: (Whispering back.) No, it’s even in Cardiff.
CJ: Wow, Jabe fluid. (He drinks it.)
D: No, don’t drink that!
CJ: (He finishes the bottle.) It’s quite nice. (He moves his lips, but no sound comes out.)
D: He won’t be able to talk for an hour or so, that drink was only meant for trees.
G: Oh well, let’s drink.

(All four of them continue to pick up bottles and drink.)

Scene 6

Characters: Sarah Jane Smith, K-9, Harriet Jones, The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, and Captain Jack.

(K-9 shoots at Sarah Jane while she runs down a corridor. Harriet slowly follows, looking at the ceiling.)

S: K-9, stop.
K-9: I should have won that game! You told me to destroy my cards!
S: No I didn’t. Harriet, help me!
H: I’m not helping, last time I tried to get rid of this talking trash can, I nearly broke my foot.
K-9: What did you call me?
H: A broken foot?
K-9: No, before that.
H: A talking trash can. That’s what you are, isn’t it?
K-9: (Angry.) That is NOT what I am.

(K-9 turns to face Harriet Jones, and shoots in her direction, she does not realise.)

H: What’s going on? What happened to the shots?
K-9: Die, old mistress!

(K-9 shoots at Harriet Jones again, it almost gets her leg, and she jumps.)

H: Ahhh! Stop it! Sarah Jane, help me.
S: Why should I, I could brake my foot?

(K-9 shoots at Harriet’s hip, and it hits it, and bounces off, right into K-9’s nose.)

H: That metal hip replacement was brand new three years ago.
K-9: (Back to his normal self.) Sorry, old mistress. I didn’t mean it.
S: When will the Doctor be back?

(The TARDIS flies down the corridor, smashing into the walls and floor. It stops in front of Harriet, and the Doctor, Rose, Gwen, and Captain Jack stumble out. They are all drunk.)

S: You took your time.
D: No, we took our time.
R: Yeah, our time is your time, and so on.
S: (Shocked.)Are you drunk?
G: No, of course not. (She falls over.) We’re just merry.
CJ: Why would we get drunk when we have an important mission to do?
H: You all smell of alcohol.
D: We haven’t been drinking, maybe you have been.
K-9: No, you have, my scans show that between you, you’ve drunk around ninety-six mini bottles of alcohol.
R: How silly, we only had ninety, or so.
G: Here’s one for you, Sarah Jane.

(Gwen throws the bottle at Sarah Jane Smith, it hit’s a hanging wire from the ceiling, and catches fire, then it hit’s the floor and starts a small fire in front of Sarah Jane.)

CJ: Don’t worry, I’ll put it out.

(Jack walks over to the fire and keeps stamping on it. Jack’s boot catches fire.)

D: (Laughing.) That brandy you spilt on your boot is catching fire.

(Gwen gets up and walks over to Jack, she gets a mini bottle out of her pocket.)

G: I’ll put it out with this.

(Gwen pours alcohol on Jack’s boot, and she spills some on his trousers, the fire spreads along the alcohol.)

S: You’re going to kill us all. K-9, Harriet, help me get them into the TARDIS.
R: TARDIS?! Is that a nightclub?
D: Sounds like a pretty crap one.
H: It’s just through those blue doors.

(Harriet points at the TARDIS doors. The Doctor and Rose walk in.)

R: Is that man blind? Those doors were pink.
D: No, no, they were orange.
S: Jack, Gwen! Get into the TARDIS!
CJ: Like I’ll listen to you and go in there! (To Gwen.) Come on, Gwen, let’s go to that nightclub.

(Jack and Gwen go into the TARDIS.)

G: Sure, we’ll leave this granny to her pension.
S: K-9, could you put out that fire?
K-9: Of course, mistress.

(K-9 shots water from his nose, and puts out the fire. Harriet, Sarah Jane Smith, and K-9 go into the TARDIS, where Rose and the Doctor are fighting.)

R: Pink!
D: Orange!

Scene 7

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, Blue Gelth, and Pink Cyberman.

(Yvonne and Bilis stand in a moving elevator, facing the Blue Gelth.)

BG: We are finished with this game of chase. It has been fun, but it needs to end.
Y: We won’t give into you!
BG: I don’t think you have much choice, there is no where for you to run.
B: But you can’t touch us, why should we be scared?
BG: What do you mean I can’t touch you?
B: You’re transparent, and a ghost, you can go through us, but you can’t touch us.
BG: You lie!
Y: He’s correct, I now remember reading about it on the Torchwood online database.
BG: Oh, well done, you’ve worked me out. (In a kind voice.) Could you please come with me?
B: No.
BG: Pretty please with a cravat on top?
B: Erm, that’s quite tempting.
Y: No, we’re not going with you.
BG: Okay, I give up, see you around.

(The Blue Gelth goes through the elevator floor.)

B: Have you really read about it on the Torchwood online database?
Y: Of course not, but it good rid of him, didn’t it?

(The elevator stops, and the doors open showing a long, quite destroyed corridor. Yvonne and Bilis walk down it.)

B: So where are your staff?
Y: They should be around here somewhere, maybe on a coffee brake.
B: Shall we check in this room?

(Bilis points to a door labelled “Cybergirl”.)

B: What’s in there?
Y: I’m not sure, but going by the name, I think it’s a canteen.
B: Well you’re the manager, you’re probably correct.
Y: Well, let’s go in then.

(Bilis and Yvonne enter a room full of pink furniture and on a fluffy pink chair is a Pink Cyberman.)

PC: Hello darlings. Do you have that handbag I asked for?
Y: Who are you?
B: This isn’t a canteen.
PC: I’m a Cybergirl. And of course this isn’t a canteen, that’s just down the corridor, it’s labelled “Reprographics”.
Y: What are you doing I here?
PC: Well, I live I here, but at this moment I’m waiting for my designer handbag.
B: Who’s bringing you this designer handbag?
PC: An old man. (She points at Bilis.) He looks a lot like you, are you sure you’re not him?
Y: No, he’s not.
PC: Then do you have my handbag?
Y: No sorry.
PC: Have you got any lipstick then?
B: No, none of that either.
PC: What is a woman like me to do?
Y: You could always tell me where my staff are.
PC: Oh, you must be Yvonne Fartman?
Y: No, you’ve got my last name wrong.
PC: So you are Yvonne?
Y: Yes, do you know where my staff are?
PC: I saw them in that “Brain Surgery” room.
B: Thanks.
Y: Let’s get going then.
PC: Oh, good day.

(Yvonne and Bilis leave the room and walk down the corridor.)

B: So where’s the “Brain Surgery” room?
Y: I have no clue, we’ll go to the main office, then check from there.
B: So where’s the main office?
Y: I don’t know, first we’ll go to my office, to check where the main office is, and then from the main office to the “Brain Surgery” room.
B: Do you know where your office is?
Y: Of course, I am the manager of this building, you know?

(A gun shoots, Bilis falls back, a bullet hole in his forehead, he falls to the floor, and is dead. Yvonne turns to see a pistol being held by a smiling Bilis Manger.)

_________________
"I'm Gay And I Wear A Pink TuTu"

Episode 12 : Savage Scientists

Scene 1

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, and Gareth

(Yvonne looks at the smiling Bilis Manger who holds a gun that just shot and killed another Bilis Manger.)

Y: What, what’s going on?
B: I can’t be bothered to explain it all, you’ll learn soon enough.
Y: Are you my real dad, or did you just kill him? How many copies of my dad are there?
B: There’s only one copy.
Y: But you just killed one, and you’re another one, so there’s at least two.
B: Neither of us are your real dad.
Y: So Bilis Manger isn’t my dad?
B: Exactly, well done.
Y: So who is then?
B: I don’t know.
Y: I always thought it was him.
B: Didn’t you ever realise that you had different last names?
Y: I never thought about it much, I guessed there was a good explanation.
B: Well, leave me alone, go and annoy someone else.

(Bilis walks off down the corridor, Yvonne runs after him and walks beside him.)

Y: So you just shot a clone of yourself?
B: Yes.
Y: But why?
B: He was annoying me, and he was no longer of use, it seemed pointless to keep him around.
Y: But where did you get the technology to clone humans to the exact age as the original?
B: We’re in Torchwood Tower, it would be very hard not to find technology.
Y: So why did I always think that he was my dad?
B: Probably some Torchwood radiation that changed your mind, but I don’t know exactly. You were nothing to do with my plan.
Y: What is your plan?
B: That is not for you to know.

(Gareth walks out of a room and stops next to Yvonne and Bilis, who also stop.)

G: Hello sir, is this woman annoying you?
Y: This woman?! I am your boss, Gareth!
B: Not any more, a new boss has taken over, you’ve been fired.
Y: But this is unfair, I can’t be fired, take me to this new boss, we’ll see who’s better.
B: My thoughts exactly, Gareth, take this woman to the new boss.
G: Of course sir. Come with me please.
B: Good luck.

(Bilis walks into the room Gareth left, and Gareth leads Yvonne down a few more corridors.)

Y: He moved quickly into that room, how old is he? He looks ninety odd.
G: He’s your father, shouldn’t you know his age?
Y: He’s not actually my father, like I thought, it’s something to do with Torchwood radiation.
G: How interesting.
Y: So, who’s the new boss, is she any good?
G: She’s alright, wouldn’t give me the time off I asked for.
Y: What a selfish bitch.
G: You never let me.
Y: That was different, I didn’t want you getting that lifesaving heart operation, I needed you to get me a cup of coffee much more urgently, and I hate the look of this place, it’s gone to the dumps.
G: Do you mind?! I spent ages making it look like this paradise. Nothing is wrong, nothings a mess, and it’s all perfectly safe.

(A light falls from the ceiling and lands on Gareth’s head, he falls to the floor and gets up. They carry on walking.)

Y: So where is this new boss’s office? In my office I guess?
G: In a new office we built for her.
Y: So this boss is a woman? What a bad investment for the place, a woman boss, how ridiculous.
G: Yes, how silly, anyway, her new office is your old one, and your three bedrooms that bordered it all knocked into one.
Y: How big is this woman?
G: Quite large, and by the way, we found a few bills in your bedroom drawers, does Torchwood Tower really owe one billion pounds to local banks?

(They turn into a wide corridor that ends in a door, they walk towards it.)

Y: Yes, all that money was spent on much needed staff and advancements.
G: Like your pay rise, and a beach house for you in Spain?
Y: Torchwood really did need those things.

(They arrive a the door, a sign above the door reads “BOSS”. Yvonne opens the door and steps inside, then she screams.)

Scene 2

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Harriet Jones, K-9, and Sarah Jane Smith.

(The Doctor and Rose are fighting in the TARDIS while Harriet, K-9, and Sarah Jane watch in horror, and Jack and Gwen laugh and encourage the fight. Mini bottles are all over the floor.)

D: They were so orange!
R: Na ah, pink! Pink!
S: Stop this childish behaviour!

(Sarah Jane takes a step forward and trips on a mini bottle, she falls on her back.)

CJ: Looks like Sarah Jane is drunk.
G: Yeah, she shouldn’t drink the while mini bar. (She bursts out in laughter.)
H: Stop he fight!
D: But those doors were orange.
R: They were pink!

(Rose takes off her high-heeled shoes and holds them like weapons in her hands.)

R: Come on Doctor, we’ll settle this like women.
CJ: Oh, a real fight, come on Doctor! (He cheers.)
G: Go Rose!
D: It’s only fair if I have a weapon.
R: Well, get one then.

(The Doctor pulls out his sonic screwdriver.)

H: I said stop!
S: (Getting up.) We must get to Torchwood.
R: This shoe will be no use.

(Rose throws her shoe at the Doctor, he ducks and it gets stuck in the TARDIS wall just behind him. Rose pulls out her sonic screwdriver.)

D: You don’t even know how to use that!
R: Just watch me!

(Rose aims the sonic screwdriver at the Doctor. The sonic screwdriver beeps and the shoe in the wall explodes. The Doctor falls forward, but quickly gets up, and the high heel is thrown at Harriet, and it hits her in-between the eyes, she faints, and falls to the floor.)

D: Oh, not again!
R: That’s not all I’ve got!

(The sonic screwdriver beeps again and the empty bottles on the floor begin to attract to the end of Rose’s sonic screwdriver. After a few seconds, there is quite a big ball of bottles at the sonic screwdriver’s end and she drops it because it is so heavy.)

R: These screwdrivers can do anything.
D: I know, watch this.

(The Doctor aims his sonic screwdriver at Rose, the sonic screwdriver beeps and her stunning hair becomes grey.)

R: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
G: Ha, old woman! (She explodes with laughter and falls to the floor.)
CJ: It’s worse than Bilis’s. (He laughs just as much as Gwen.)
S: STOP!
D: NO!
K-9: Stop master, before you destroy your TARDIS.
D: I won’t destroy it, I’ll just break it to pieces.

(The Doctor beeps the sonic screwdriver again but Rose has moved, and she takes a running kick at him, it hits him, and he falls towards the central control panel. The sonic screwdriver continues to beep, and the panel slowly explodes, sending sparks everywhere.)

K-9: Master, you are destroying the TARDIS!
S: This calls for drastic measures.
G: Do you mean like one thousand metres? (She laughs more.)

(Sarah Jane pulls out her sonic lipstick and it beeps.)

G: What are you doing? (She laughs.)
S: Sleep function, you’ll be asleep in a few seconds.

(Everybody, except Sarah Jane and K-9 fall asleep. Sarah Jane carefully makes her way towards the central control panel, as the mini bottles have been released from Rose’s sonic screwdriver and are rolling everywhere.)

Scene 3

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Gareth, and the Racnoss Empress.

(Yvonne stands in the office doorway, facing a huge red spider, the Racnoss Empress. The office is large, and is full of cobwebs, desks, and cabinets. Gareth pushes past Yvonne and walks in.)

RE: So who is thisss you bring me? My next meal? She looks a little fatty, but I hope you brought the salt and tomato sssauce.
G: N, your highness.
RE: (Angry.) Well then, I ssshall eat you both if you have decided to bring no condiments.
G: No, no, I mean she is not your dinner, she is Yvonne Hartman.
RE: (No longer angry.) Well, misssss Hartman, you were the old bossss of this fine building.
Y: Yes, I was, and I think that…
RE: (Interrupting.) That wasss not a question, I know who you are, and I don’t care what you think. Thisss place is much better under my control.
Y: What have you done? This place is ruined. You can’t be doing the excellent experiments I was when I was manager.
RE: But my experimentsss are so much more important, without it, where would the Torchwood Online Catalogue be?
Y: On the internet?
RE: NO! It would not exist if I hadn’t changed thisss building.
G: Empress, may I go?
RE: Yessss, you may.
G: Thank you.

(Gareth leaves.)

Y: What are you anyway?
RE: The boss.
Y: No, I mean what sort of alien are you? A Dalek?
RE: A Dalek?! I am a Racnosss, the Empress in fact.
Y: Are there any other Rac…noses?
RE: We are the RACNOSS! And you should come with me to see what has really happened here.

(The Racnoss Empress moves out from behind her desk, knocking cabinets over and smashing chairs with her huge back and legs. She walks over to Yvonne, who leaves and the Racnoss Empress gets stuck in the door frame, she pushes, and the door frame breaks from the wall and is left on her back, she walks down the corridor with Yvonne.)

Y: So where are we going?
RE: I will show you the advancements I have made, you would never have dreamed of them.
Y: So how much do you get paid?
RE: I get nothing, same as the staff.
Y: You all work for free?
RE: Yes, unlike you and your four billion pounds pay rise, all money is invested in new experiments.
Y: Some of my pay rise was for a beach house.
RE: I don’t care, we’re here.

(The Empress walks through a very big door, and the frame on her back falls off, and hits Yvonne.)

Y: Ouch!
RE: Hurry up, come on in.

(Yvonne pushes the door frame off herself and goes into the room. It’s a large room with a high ceiling, tall blue glass containers are all along the walls, spanning the floor to the roof. At a large machine on the far wall is a group of short people in white lab coats, and all around are these dwarf scientists.)

Y: So what have you done here?
RE: Take a further look, you’ll be able to see the best invention in the universe.
Y: Where is it?
RE: Just look around, I’ll explain.

(Yvonne walks over to one of the glass containers, inside is a greenish blob)

Y: What are in these? Rocks?
RE: Of course not! They are much more important than rocks, if you want to see rocks, they’re next door.
Y: So this is what has happened to Torchwood?
RE: It’s great isn’t it? Come, see the success of the Torchwood Online Catalogue.

(The Racnoss Empress walks to the machine at the far wall, and Yvonne follows.)

Y: What?! That’s impossible?

Scene 4

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, K-9, Harriet Jones, and Sarah Jane Smith.

(Sarah Jane Smith and K-9 are at the TARDIS controls while the Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, and Harriet are asleep on the floor.)

S: K-9, do you know how to use these controls?
K-9: No, sorry mistress.
S: I’ll guess and hope I get it right.

(She presses a small blue button, the TARDIS shakes and water pours from the roof onto Sarah Jane, she is soaked.)

S: I suppose that isn’t it, but an instant shower can be useful sometimes.
K-9: Try pressing that green button.

(Sarah Jane goes to a green button and presses it.)

S: Nothing seems to be happening.

(The floor below Sarah Jane falls away and she falls into a small room a few metres below that is full of lettuce.)

S: What’s with all this lettuce? I know the Doctor needs his vitamins, but this is too much in my opinion.

(She struggles over the lettuce and opens a door. Sarah Jane stands in a long corridor, she slowly walks down it.)

S: So, how do I get back up?

(She walks past a bag full of pens.)

S: There must be a thousand or so pens in there, but the Doctor never seems to write anything, why would he need them? Oh well, he won’t miss a few.

(Sarah Jane takes a few pens and shoves them into her pocket. She walks on down the corridor, it’s a dead end, but on the left is a door named “Quick Elevator”. She opens the door to see a set of stairs, she slowly walks up them..)

S: Is this a TARDIS ’keep-fit’ course? Lettuce, and now a long set of stairs, what’s next? A treadmill that I need to run on to open a door?

(Sarah Jane comes to the end of the stairs and into a room with a closed door that’s wired up to a treadmill.)

S: Why do I even ask?

(She walks to the treadmill, then to the door, she uses her sonic lipstick to open it, and this reveals more stairs, she walks up them.)

S: Oh my god, maybe what I ask for is what happens. (She smiles.) So if I (she speaks loudly.) want to see a room full of cakes.

(She reaches the top of the stairs, and there’s a door, and a pile of greenish cakes beside it, she smiles and stuffs a cake into her mouth, then she looks disgusted and opens the door and runs into the main TARDIS room, she spit’s the green cake out. Everyone is walking around.)

K-9: My mistress is back?
D: And it looks like she just ate a spinach cake.
S: That was disgusting.
D: Did you have fun on the TARDIS fitness course?
S: (Sarcastic.) Oh, barrels of fun, why is it there?
R: I think it’s got something to do with the fact that the writer didn’t know what to do in this scene.
S: But why bother?
D: Well, I had to put my bag of pens somewhere.
CJ: What’s so good about these open?
D: They’re alien pens, my favourite collection.
G: How many are there?
D: Exactly three thousand and six.
R: Are they special?
D: Of course, if they’re not all in the bag, there could be a huge explosion.
CJ: Aren’t we going to Torchwood?
D: Oh yeah, sorry, let’s go.
H: Who’s Torchwood?
G: Don’t bother, let’s just go.
D: That’s fine by me.

(The Doctor runs around the control panel, pressing buttons, and the TARDIS begins to start up.)

Scene 5

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Racnoss Empress, The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Harriet Jones, K-9, and Sarah Jane Smith.

(The Racnoss Empress and Yvonne stand at the large machine as the scientists continue to examine and run around the glass containers.)

Y: So this machine copies everything you put into it?
RE: Exactly, every object.
Y: And that includes people, or animals?
RE: Of courssse, people are sssimple to copy.
Y: I don’t believe you’re doing this.
RE: Isssn’t this an advancement you would have wanted?
Y: Yes, that’s why I can’t believe you made it, I wanted it first.
RE: But what would you have used it for?
Y: Cloning money, I could have been so rich.
RE: Which is what I’m doing to an extent, I’m just being legal, that’s the difference.
Y: We have quite a lot in common.
RE: True, maybe you could join me, you’ll be very useful.

(The TARDIS appears at the other side of the room. All the scientists stop and look at it, so do Yvonne and the Racnoss Empress.)

RE: Quick! Quick! Grab some weapons!

(The scientists pick up rulers, pens, pencils, and other items of stationery and crowd around the TARDIS, leaving a gap big enough for a few people around the TARDIS. The doors open and the Doctor, Rose, Jack and Gwen walk out. )

G: I always thought he’d be better with blonde hair.
R: Na, black is his true colour.
D: No it isn’t, everyone knows he is actually ginger, he can’t hide it that well.
CJ: That wig does nothing for him, he should take the racoon out of it.

(They realise the scientists are around them, and the Racnoss Empress and Yvonne walk towards the TARDIS.)

D: This is Torchwood Tower?
CJ: Seems it, but I would have thought it would be more elegant.
R: It looks like they’ve got no money.
G: Like the old boss took loads of money for a beach house, or something like that.

(Yvonne looks at the roof and whistles like she has done nothing wrong.)

D: So this is our welcoming party?
CJ: There’s no chocolate.
G: Or cards.
R: Or flowers.
D: All we get are free rulers and other stationery equipment. (He looks at a pen a scientist is pointing at him.) Is that an alien one? (He takes the pen and puts it into his pocket.)
RE: So, what bringsss you here?
D: Oh, a Racnoss. I never knew they were in Torchwood.

(Sarah Jane, K-9, and Harriet come out of the TARDIS, they are out of breath.)

S: Why hasn’t that trapdoor closed?
H: That exercise route was a stupid idea, but I got two pens.

(Harriet holds up two alien pens, and the Doctor snatches them back.)

D: They’re mine.
RE: (Angry.) You have ssstill not answered my question, why are you here?!
D: Well, I wanted to see what was going on here.

(He walks towards the Empress, and the scientists part to allow him past.)

D: Hello Yvonne, are you still he boss?
Y: No, this Racnoss Empress has taken over.
RE: All for the better, I sssay.

(Rose goes to walk to the Doctor, the scientists crowd around to keep her near the TARDIS.)

R: Doctor! They wont let me through.
D: Empress, allow Rose through.
RE: No, I ssshall not, I do not need her.
D: What are you on about?
RE: Thisss isss a trap, I’ve been waiting for you, scientists, get him!

(A few scientists grab the Doctor, he struggles to get away, but they won’t let go.)

RE: Get him to the cloning machine.
Y: What about the others?
RE: Ssscientists, kill them!
D: NOOO!

(The scientists lead the Doctor to the machine, he struggles, but cannot break free. Rose pushes the scientists out of the way, and runs towards the Doctor, but Yvonne kicks her, and Rose falls to the floor.)

Y: Should I finish her off, Empress?
RE: Yesss, scientists, put up a force field!

(A force field appears around the cloning machine, protecting the Doctor, the scientists holding him, and the machine.)

Y: Goodbye, Rose.
R: No you don’t.

(Rose jumps up off the floor as Yvonne goes to stab her with her high heel shoe. Rose runs to the TARDIS, and she pulls everyone else in.)

Y: Don’t let them escape!

(The TARDIS doors close and it disappears.)

RE: Yvonne, go after them. Stop them from whatever they’re going to do.
Y: How?
RE: Take the scientists, and use that technology you’ve got in your watch.
Y: Okay, come on scientists!

(Yvonne leaves with the scientists and looks at her watch, it shows a screen with a map of Torchwood and a small red dot labelled “TARDIS” is loving around.)

Scene 6

Characters: Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, K-9, Sarah Jane Smith, and Yvonne Hartman.

(The TARDIS appears in a small corridor with pipes and tubes along the walls. The doors open and Rose runs out. Jack, Gwen, K-9, and Sarah Jane come out and stand beside Rose.)

R: Quick, we must stop that machine, but how?
CJ: We don’t even know what it does.
G: That spider called it a cloning machine.
S: Is that true, K-9?
K-9: Yes, mistress, that machine can clone anything, including people.
CJ: Does the Doctor count?
K-9: Yes, they’ll copy him.
R: Then we must stop it.
G: Have we got any weapons?
CJ: I’ve got a sonic blaster.
R: And I’ve got a sonic screwdriver.
S: I’ve got my lipstick.
K-9: And I have a gun for a nose.
R: So how does that help us?
G: These wires around us, they must be for the top of Torchwood, we could destroy them.
R: But how do you now that these wires power that cloning machine?
S: It says so on that sign.

(Sarah Jane Smith points to a sign reading “Cloning Machine Power Supply - Do Not Destroy”.)

G: So let’s begin.
CJ: But we might be chased.
K-9: Than run down this corridor, blowing things up.
S: But Gwen has no weapon.
CJ: What about this… (He picks up a metal pipe from the floor.) This pipe. (He hands it to Gwen.)
G: Oh, thanks.
R: Let’s go then.
S: Charge!

(They runs down the corridor, Rose, Jack, and Sarah Jane use their sonic devices to make the cables explode, sending sparks everywhere, and K-9’s laser blasts metal from the walls, and Gwen’s pipe breaks in half as soon as she swings it, so she drops it and just runs with everyone else.)

R: For the Doctor!
CJ: For Time Lords!

(They reach a dead end and fall into each other in a pile on the floor as they didn’t realise to stop.)

S: Do you think we’ve destroyed enough?
G: I sure hope so.
R: Come on, we must destroy more.

(A scream from Harriet is heard from down the corridor, and running at the pile of bodies is Yvonne and the army of scientists. The group lead by Yvonne stop before the pile and Yvonne aims a pink sonic screwdriver at Rose.)

Y: Your days of destroying are over. Hand over your weapons and then you can come wit me.
R: Not likely!

(Rose stands up and beeps her sonic screwdriver at Yvonne, her hair catches fire.)

Y: Is that all you can do?
R: Isn’t that bad enough?
Y: That doesn’t match up to me at all.

(Yvonne beeps her sonic screwdriver at her hair and the fire goes out.)

Y: See, you are not as good as me.
S: She may not be, but I am.

(Sarah Jane gets up and beeps her sonic lipstick at Yvonne, nothing seems to happen.)

Y: Yes, I’m waiting.

(A scientist behind Yvonne tries to strangle her using a ruler, but she elbows him in the stomach and he falls back, than he falls on the floor.)

Y: Tut, tut, I thought you were much better than this, but I must admit, you are useless.
G: Not all of us!
Y: What do you mean?

(Gwen has got up and see kicks Yvonne, who falls back. Jack gets up and uses his sonic blaster on the wall to remove a large chunk.)

CJ: Quick, get through.

(Rose, Sarah Jane, K-9, Gwen, then Jack go through the hole as Yvonne sits on her knees and cries.)

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor and the Racnoss Empress.

(The scientists hold the Doctor at the cloning machine, and the Racnoss Empress stands beside him as more scientists run around the glass containers. The force field has gone.)

RE: Ssso, Doctor, how do you think your little gang isss doing against Yvonne?
D: I hope they can save me.

(The lights dim.)

RE: It looksss like Torchwood’s power is running out.
D: Maybe my little gang are doing something.

(The lights turn backup, even more brightly than before.)

D: (Confused.) What?
RE: The power ssseems to be back up, probably one of those sixteen reserve supplies we have. Scientistsss, ssstart up the machine.

(The scientists that were inspecting the containers go to the cloning machine and press buttons at the control panel.)

RE: Now Doctor, I will clone you.
D: Can I just ask, if you clone me, wouldn’t that make two Doctors that are both against you?
RE: Good point, but no, I can change the ideasss of this new person, just like I can change the colour, ssso I might make him pink.
D: So you can make me evil?
RE: Yes, then I’ll ssstop your group and carry on with my project.
D: Fine, but not pink.
RE: Okay, fine, purple then. Scientists, ready the machine!

(The scientists hurry around the control panel more quickly.)

RE: So Doctor, how will your girlfriend survive against your evil clone.
D: Will he be as good as me in bed?
RE: Probably.
D: Oh, that’s alright then.
RE: Yes, it seems ready!

(The scientists stand back from the machine, and the scientists holding the Doctor move him towards a large hole in the machine.)

RE: Prepare to be copied!

(The Doctor is right near the entrance, but the lights suddenly dim again, and the scientists run to the cloning machine controls.)

RE: What’s happening?! This machine hasss gone offline. It must be that TARDIS group.
D: I hope it is.
RE: Ssscientists, put up a hologram of the Doctor’s gang.

(A large hologram appears in the room, it shows a large, pipe-covered room where Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Sarah Jane Smith, and K-9 are destroying wires.)

D: Looks like Yvonne and her army haven’t reached them yet.
RE: (Angry.) Where has Yvonne got to?! Ssshow me where she is!

(The hologram changes to show Yvonne in the same corridor, she is on her knees and holding a hand, she is crying over a broken nail.)

RE: Ahhh! They’ll never be stopped! But, they have not damaged thisss Tower so much that my final plan cannot be activated. Ssscientists, get ready for the final operation!

(The scientists crowd around the containers, and press small keypads on them, then they stand back. The glass breaks away to reveal around twenty Racnoss of every shape, size, and colour, each with different weapons for hands.)

_________________
"I'm Gay And I Wear A Pink TuTu"

Episode 13 : The Explosive End

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, the Racnoss Empress, and the Computer Voice.

(Scientists hold the Doctor near the cloning machine while the Racnoss Empress stands by a small army of other Racnoss.)

RE: Welcome back children, it isss ssso good to sssee you all, after millions of yearsss. I would love for you to come into a peaceful time, but there isss some gang destroying my home, your home. Find them, and repair the cablesss, and I will be happy.
D: They can repair cables?
RE: Of courssse, they will do whatever I ask.
D: Don’t you need a degree to deal with electronics?
RE: It doesss not matter. Go, go my army, and stop those pestssss.

(The Racnoss army quickly leave, except a very fat one with hammers for hands, who leaves very slowly and leaves cracks in the floor.)

D: So, this is what you were doing here.
RE: Yes, bringing back my children wasss one of my most important missionsss.
D: And what do you plan to do after all of this?
RE: My army will take over the world, and I will make a new order, with me asss Empress.
D: So what was the point of the Torchwood Online Catalogue?
RE: Do you have any idea of how much money I needed, and that would get me all the fundsss I wanted.
D: But you‘ve armed the human race with alien weapons that can easily stop you.
RE: I have consssidered that, and that’s why all productsss have a teleport function that will beam them back here if needed.
D: Can you teleport things everywhere?
RE: Of courssse.
D: Is that how the sonic screwdriver got into my pocket?
RE: Of, the fake one, yesss, that’ll be twenty two poundsss by the way.
D: So how do you think your children are doing?
RE: They’ve probably found Yvonne and are going to your friendsss right now.
D: How could they do that so quickly?
RE: They’re a ssstrong and powerful race of aliensss.
D: Including that fat one, I don’t expect him to have reached the end of the corridor yet.
RE: Silence, you will not insssult my children.
D: You had all those kids? How many fathers were there? If it’s just the one, he probably got worn out quite often.
RE: They’re not actually my children, but this way I can claim benefits for each one of them. Now, you will not speak any more, scientists, cover his mouth.

(The scientists cover the Doctor’s mouth, but they use all of their hands, and so the Doctor just pushes them aside, and runs to the machine controls.)

D: Self-destruct, self-destruct, where is it?
RE: Doctor! Prepare to die!

(The Racnoss Empress runs at the Doctor, and swings her claws, but he ducks, and she kicks him away from the controls.)

D: That wasn’t fair.
RE: All’s fair in love and war.
D: So which one is this then?
RE: Probably war.

(The Racnoss Empress runs at the Doctor, she swings her claw, but he jumps aside and she gets caught in the wall, and tries to pull her claw free. The Doctor runs back over to the controls, and the scientists run at him with rulers.)

D: Weapon? Where’s a weapon?

(The scientists stand in front of the Doctor.)

D: Eh, could you wait a second while I find a weapon, please?

(The scientists nod. The Doctor looks around and picks up a metal pipe from the floor, he swings it at the scientists, but they block with a ruler, and the Doctor and scientists fence, the Doctor slowly pushing them back, towards the Racnoss Empress, then the Doctor points at the Empress.)

D: Look at that.

(The scientists turn around to look at where the Doctor was pointing, and he goes to the control panel, and looks at the buttons.)

D: Where is this self-destruct button? Please say it has one.
RE: We have one.

(The Racnoss Empress is right behind the Doctor, and she slashes at him, but the Doctor jumps aside, and her claw it’s a huge red button labelled “Self-Destruct”.)

D: Yes!
RE: NO!

(The Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in thirty minutes.
RE: RUN!
D: I already am.

(The Doctor is running to the door, and the Racnoss Empress chases after him. The scientists still stand and stare at the wall where the Doctor pointed.)

Scene 2

Characters: Rose, Gwen, Captain Jack, Sarah Jane Smith, K-9, Yvonne Hartman, the Computer Voice, Green Racnoss, Yellow Racnoss, and Purple Racnoss.

(Rose, Gwen, Jack, Sarah Jane, and K-9 continue to destroy cables and wires in the large room shown in the hologram. The Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in thirty minutes.
R: Self-destruct?
S: It means that something is going to blow up.
R: I know what it means, I just didn’t expect it.
G: So how will we get out?
CJ: Go back to the TARDIS, I suppose.
S: It seems like a good idea.
K-9: It seems very logical.
Y: Except you won’t be able to get there.

(Yvonne stands in the doorway, her finger is in a huge bandage, and the scientists stand behind her.)

Y: I’m not going to let any of you escape.
S: Come on then, like you can stop us.
R: Just stand aside.
Y: Okay, if that’s what you really want.

(Yvonne steps aside and a Green Racnoss with long whops for hands and a Yellow Racnoss with swords for hands enter the room.)

GR: Ah, we found em’.
YR: Yeah, but what should we do?
GR: What do you mean?
YR: With this elf-destruct and all.
GR: What is a self-destruct?
R: It’s when something blows up.
GR: Oh, thanks.
YR: Now stay out of our conversation and go away.
S: That’s fine by me.

(Rose, Gwen, Captain Jack, Sarah Jane Smith, and K-9 start to leave the room while the Racnoss continue talking.)

Y: What are you two doing?! You’re meant to be getting them!
YR: Oh yeah, we are aren’t we.

(Rose, Gwen, Jack, Sarah Jane, and K-9 run out and the Racnoss chase them.)

R: Where’s the TARDIS?
S: It’s down this corridor somewhere.

(They continue down the corridor and see the TARDIS, but a Purple Racnoss with mace hands is outside it. The group stop in front of the Purple Racnoss, and the Yellow and Green Racnoss block off the back.)

PR: Ah, here’s the troublemakers.
GR: Get them!

(The Purple Racnoss swings an arm at Rose, but she ducks and uses her sonic screwdriver to destroy part of a cable on the ceiling, this drops a piece of steel onto the Purple Racnoss’s head, and she becomes dazed. Meanwhile, the Green Racnoss tries to whip Gwen, but it misses and Jack uses his sonic blaster to remove one of its legs, so he loses balance and falls over. Also, the Yellow Racnoss stabs his arms at Sarah Jane an
K-9, but K-9 drives under the Racnoss and he stabs himself in the crotch.)

YR: Ouch.

(The Yellow Racnoss faints, and the Purple Racnoss spins around, randomly swinging her arms. Everyone ducks and she hit’s the Green Racnoss, knocking him out, then the Purple Racnoss trips over.)

R: Quick, into the TARDIS.

(Rose, Gwen, Jack, Sarah Jane, and K-9 get into the TARDIS. Then Yvonne runs down the corridor with her scientists as the TARDIS door close, she tries to open them, but can’t.)

Y: They’ve locked us out, but no worries, we’ll try and escape now.

(Yvonne and the scientists run off and the Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in twenty-five minutes.

Scene 3

Characters: The Doctor, Racnoss Empress, Fat Racnoss, and the Pink Cyberman.

(The Doctor is running down a long corridor, and the Racnoss Empress is chasing him.)

RE: Doctor, stop running, I’m only going to cut your head off for all the trouble you’ve caused me, it won’t be that bad.
D: As if I’d let you do that, I don’t mind losing an arm or a leg, but my head is a little too drastic.
RE: But you’ve wreaked everything, my business and plans are all gone, and you’ll pay.
D: How much do you want?
RE: I’ve already said, I want your head.
D: How about five pounds?
RE: I don’t think that quite covers it.

(The Doctor stops as the fat Racnoss with the hammer hands blocks the way. The Racnoss Empress stops behind the Doctor.)

RE: Well done son, you’ve helped me catch the Doctor.
FR: Who’s the Doctor?
RE: The man in front of you, the man I wanted to clone because he would be so powerful with my help.
FR: No, sorry, I’ve heard or seen him.
D: Hi, it’s me she’s talking about.
FR: You don’t look like a doctor.
D: Oh, I am.
FR: Do a trick then.
RE: It’s magicians that do tricks.
D: She’s right, I can’t do tricks.

(The Fat Racnoss swings his hammer hands and becomes angry.)

FR: I want a magic trick! Do one now!
D: Okay, I’ll do a disappearing trick, close your eyes.

(The Fat Racnoss closes his eyes.)

FR: (No longer angry.) They’re closed.
D: But the Empress’s aren’t, the trick won’t work like this.
RE: I hardly think that I need…
FR: (Interrupting.) Close your eyes!
RE: Okay, they’re closed.

(The Racnoss Empress closes her eyes.)

D: And now I shall perform the trick, keep your eyes closed.

(The Doctor slowly steps past the Fat Racnoss and then runs away. After a few seconds the two Racnoss open their eyes.)

FR: It worked, he’s gone.
RE: He ran away, and that’s a bad thing, find him.

(The Racnoss Empress goes back the way she came, and the Fat Racnoss goes the way towards the Doctor.)

FR: I’ll find you, I’ll get you.

(The door to “Cybergirl” is just closing as the Fat Racnoss runs towards it. He runs into the room to she the Pink Cyberman at her chair, the window is open, and the Doctor’s shoes are visible under the curtain.)

FR: Say, did you see a magician run in here?
PC: Well, I’m not sure.

(The Doctor holds out a five pound note from behind the curtain, the Pink Cyberman takes it, and the Doctor’s hand goes back behind the curtain.)

PC: Thinking about it, I did see him, he came in here, and jumped out of the window.
FR: Should I follow him?
PC: I think that’ll be a very good idea.
FR: Thanks.

(The Fat Racnoss jumps out of the window and after a few seconds the whole building shakes. The Doctor steps out from behind the curtain.)

D: Thanks.
PC: My pleasure, I’m always happy to help when there’s money involved.
D: You should be getting out of here, this building is going to blow up.
PC: Maybe I should leave, but first, I’ve got to decide what clothes to take, I think five hats will be a good amount.
RE: You won’ have chance to take any.

(The Racnoss Empress is in the doorway.)

Scene 4

Characters: Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, K-9, Sarah Jane Smith, and Harriet Jones.

(Rose, Jack, Gwen, Sarah Jane, and K-9 are in the TARDIS.)

R: Quick! We must find the Doctor.
G: But where will he be? We’ve got about fifteen minutes left to the self-destruct, we can’t search everywhere.
S: Isn’t there some sort of ’Doctor lock-on’ mode in this TARDIS?
CJ: Is there one?
K-9: I don’t think so, I’ve never checked.
S: It’s not as if there’s an instruction manual, you can’t check.

(Harriet enters from one of the doors, she holds a huge book in her hands.)

H: Oh , hello, have you seen the library here? It’s excellent.
R: What is that you’ve got there?
H: It’s the TARDIS instruction manual.
S: Are you joking?
H: No, it’s a real guide, I can’t find where the coffee machine is, so I thought this will help.
R: I don’t care about coffee, just check to see if we can save the Doctor.
H: What heading would that be under?
CJ: I don’t know, just pass me the book.

(Jack takes the book and places it on the table, and he flips through it.)

H: How rude, I still haven’t found the location of this coffee machine yet.
G: Have you found anything yet, Jack?
CJ: No, well, nothing that will help.
S: Is the coffee machine whereabouts in there? I’m getting a little thirsty.
CJ: No I haven’t found it, and that’s because I’m not looking for it.
K-9: What have you found so far?
CJ: Everything seems to begin with ‘c’. There’s caramel dispenser, cherry tree planter, cardboard box storage, and it’s not even in any sort of order.
R: What does the front cover say?
H: Isn’t it obvious? It’s for everything that begins with ’c’. Oh, silly me, I’m looking for coffee machine, and that would be in ’p’. I shall go and get that one.
CJ: You mean there’s more?
H: Of course, there’s one for every letter, except ’z’, where there’s four.
G: Can you how us to this library?
H: I’ve forgotten where it is, I need coffee to think.
R: Quick, find that page on the coffee machine.

(Jack quickly flips through the book.)

CJ: I can’t find it.
H: That’s because it will be in the ’p’ book.
S: K-9, don’t you have a coffee-making function?
K-9: Of course, mistress.
R: So why didn’t you point it out earlier?
K-9: I didn’t want to interrupt, you all seemed so busy.
G: Just hurry up and make a cup of coffee for Harriet so she can show us this library.
K-9: Okay, black or white?
R: That’s a bit racist isn’t it?
S: No, he means black or white coffee.
H: Oh, erm, white please.
K-9: With cream or milk?
H: Milk, thank you.
K-9: Full fat, semi-skimmed, or skimmed milk?
H: I think I’ll have the semi-skimmed milk please.
CJ: How long is this going to take?
R: The Doctor could be in serious trouble.
S: These new functions take a lot of time to adjust.
K-9: Sugar, sugar cane, caster sugar, brown sugar, sugar cubes, brown sugar cubes, demerara sugar?
H: No sweeteners, it’s against my special diet.
K-9: What type of coffee bean would you like?
H: Brown ones.
K-9: Processing your coffee.

(K-9 begins vibrating slightly.)

R: How long will this take, we haven’t got that long?
G: If those questions are anything to go by, we’ll be here for a few hours.

(K-9 stops vibrating.)

CJ: Thank goodness, he’s finished.
K-9: Warmed up, beginning water-boiling process.

(K-9 begins to vibrate slightly.)

S: We can’t wait for this, can’t we just look for the library ourselves?
H: Oh, you’re looking for the library, why didn’t you say? (She points to the door she entered from.) It’s just through there.
R: Why didn’t you tell us before?
H: I didn’t want to bother you as you seemed so busy and wrapped up in your work.
G: Let’s just go.

(Jack runs into the library and comes out with a large book which is the manual of ’l’. He quickly flips through it, and stops.)

CJ: Here we go, lock-on function, it explains about a large purple button on the centre control panel labelled ’Doctor Lock-on’, and that’s what we press.
H: Oh yeah, I saw that ages ago.
R: Why didn’t you say?
H: As I said before, I don’t like to interrupt.
G: Let’s just press it.

(Gwen, Rose, and Sarah Jane search the control panel.)

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Racnoss Empress, Pink Cyberman, Computer Voice, and Yvonne Hartman.

(The Doctor stands beside the Pink Cyberman in her room as the Racnoss Empress slowly enters.)

RE: End of the line, this chase is finished, we may not escape in time, but at least I would have finished you.
PC: Are you talking to me?
D: No, she’s talking to me.
PC: Oh, that’s alright then, you two can talk and I’ll sort out some hats to take.

(The Pink Cyberman goes to the wardrobe and looks through it.)

RE: Don’t bother to give the Doctor one, I’ll chop off his head and he won’t need one.
D: I’d like to see that.

(The Doctor holds up his sonic screwdriver and the Racnoss Empress jumps at him. The Pink Cyberman throws a sombrero accidentally and it covers the Racnoss Empress’s eyes, and her claw hands miss the Doctor and cut the pink chair in half.)

RE: What is this object? Where are you, Doctor?
D: I’m over here.
RE: Where’s that?

(The Doctor kicks the Racnoss Empress in the leg and she falls back, and the sombrero falls to the floor.)

RE: I’ll kill you for that.
D: You were going to kill me anyway.
PC: My chair! Who did this?!

(The Pink Cyberman is looking at the destroyed chair.)

D: She did it, the Empress did that.
PC: I’ll kill you for this.
RE: You were going to kill me anyway, oh, no, wait, you weren’t were you.

(The Pink Cyberman takes two steel hats from the wardrobe.)

RE: You’re going to kill me with a few hats? I don’t think that will work.

(The hats glow quickly and knife blades appear at the edges.)

PC: This is for my chair.

(The Pink Cyberman throws the hats, and they spin as they travel through the air. The blades cut the curtains, and splinter the furniture. The hats miss the Racnoss Empress, and the Doctor just manages to duck out of their path. The hats return, like boomerangs, to the Pink Cyberman.)

RE: I’m getting out of here.
D: So am I, she’s crazy.
PC: I am not crazy, I just want revenge for my ten pound chair, it was priceless.

(The Racnoss Empress and Doctor run out and down the corridor as the Pink Cyberman chases them, throwing the bladed hats. The Doctor keeps ducking to avoid the hats. They all run into a very large room with no thing in it. There are no doors or other exits except for the way they entered, which is blocked by the Pink Cyberman.)

PC: Excellent, you’re stuck, there’s no where for you to run, I will have my revenge.

(The Pink Cyberman suddenly explodes, and from the corridor Yvonne enters, holding a gun, and the scientists follow.)

RE: Oh, thank you Yvonne. Now let’s go.
Y: Don’t you want to finish the Doctor off first?
RE: What a good idea, how did you do against those pests in the basement?
Y: They escaped.
RE: How did they escape? You have an army.
Y: They got into the TARDIS and …
RE: (Interrupting.) And they travelled in it? So why haven’t they come to rescue the Doctor?
Y: They didn’t leave.
RE: SO why didn’t you go in?
Y: I think the door was locked.
D: That door can’t lock, I’ve got insurance, so I left out the locks.
RE: It doesn’t matter, I can take care of the Doctor now.

(The Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in ten minutes.

Scene 6

Characters: Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Sarah Jane Smith, K-9, Harriet Jones, The Doctor, Racnoss Empress, Yvonne Hartman, and the Computer Voice.

(Rose, Jack, Gwen, Sarah Jane, K-9, and Harriet are in the TARDIS. It’s moving and the engine system is going up and down. K-9 vibrates and Rose runs around the control panel, pressing buttons.)

R: I think we’re almost there.
S: But according to this screen there’s an unidentifiable object in the way, and so we can’t stop right next to the Doctor.
CJ: Then we need to be ready for a fight.
H: won’t be joining in, I still haven’t got my coffee.
G: That’s all she cares about, why did people vote for her in the elections?
R: I don’t think she was elected, I remember that everyone else died and so she came to power.
S: We’ll be there in five, four, three, two, one.

(The TARDIS stops its travel.)

R: Yes, we’re here, let’s go outside.
G: Wait, before we go, in case there’s a fight, we should have weapons.
CJ: Good idea.
R: Well, I’ve got a sonic screwdriver.
S: And I’ve got my lipstick.
CJ: And I’ve got a blaster, but what should Gwen have?
G: I’ve still got these.

(Gwen takes a mini bottle of “Explosive Fluid” from her pocket.)

G: It’s from the mini bar, I really wanted to keep this one.
R: It looks explosive.
S: Great, if Gwen’s okay with that, then we can go.
G: Yeah, come on.

(Rose, Gwen, Jack, and Sarah Jane leave the TARDIS to enter the large room where the Racnoss Empress and Yvonne are looking at the Doctor. The scientists wait by the only exit.)

RE: Sssso, you have decided tom turn up and save the Doctor, but it will not happen as you have lesssss than ten minutes left.
R: We’ll save the Doctor, we still have time.
D: You tell them Rose.
RE: Ssshut up! Yvonne, take care of our new quests.
Y: Of course, it’ll be my pleasure.
S: I’ll take care of Yvonne.

(Yvonne runs at Sarah Jane, holding the gun in front of her. Sarah Jane holds out her sonic lipstick, it beeps, and the gun begins to melt, leaving a pool of liquid on the floor behind Yvonne, who stops running.)

Y: That’s not fair, I’ve only got a gun, and you’ve got some lipstick. Get her, scientists!

(The scientists run at Rose, Gwen, Jack, and Sarah Jane.)

R: Jack, use your blaster to make a hole in the floor.
CJ: Sure, good idea.

(Jack uses his sonic blaster to make a hole in the floor, big enough for about ten people, the scientists run towards it as it is in the path between them and Jack. They all fall down it.)

Y: What?! More sonic devices, this is completely unfair. I’m also outnumbered.
RE: I never ssssaid this battle would be fair.
Y: I know, and I didn’t want it to be fair, I wanted it to be unfair for my enemies.
G: You should have got a sonic weapon.
R: You could have got one off of the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
Y: Well, I did order one, but it never came. But I could beat one of you if you didn’t use a sonic weapon.
G: Come on then, I’ll take you down with my drink. (She holds up the mini bottle.)
Y: Fine, come on then!

(Gwen throws the bottle at the charging Yvonne and it hits her in the foot, setting alight to her leg, she stops running.)

Y: I only just waxed these legs. You’ll pay big time for this.

(Yvonne continues to run at Gwen, but falls down the hole in the floor.)

RE: Well, now I’m at a huge disadvantage, but I prepared this room for a battle like thissss.

(The Racnoss Empress stomps her foot on the ground and most of the floor collapses, leaving a small piece of floor at one end near the exit of the room where Rose, Jack, Gwen, and Sarah Jane are, and another piece of floor on the opposite wall where the Doctor and the Racnoss Empress are.)

R: And how has this helped you?
G: There’s no way you can escape from over there.
RE: And ssso the Doctor can’t either.
D: Jack, use your sonic blaster to make a bridge.
RE: Tough luck, when this room issss activated no sssonic devices can be used.
S: I don’t believe her one bit.

(Sarah Jane tries to use her sonic lipstick, but it doesn’t even beep.)

S: She’s correct.
RE: Sssee? And now I will kill the Doctor.
H: Are you almost ready?

(Everyone turns to see Harriet and the still-vibrating K-9 leave the TARDIS.)

H: I’m still thirsty. Hurry up, quickly.
R: This isn’t the right time for a drink.
RE: Well, Doctor you’re out of luck.

(The Racnoss Empress darts at the Doctor, and he pulls out an alien pen and they dual with claws and pens.)

K-9: Coffee ready, place cup below nozzle.

(K-9’s nose moves a little and a nozzle comes out.)

H: Oh yes, it’s ready, but I haven’t got a cup, have any of you?
CJ: No, and stop with that, we must save the doctor.
G: Get into the TARDIS and lock onto him.
R: Would that work?
S: It’s worth a try.
K-9: Coffee releasing.

(K-9 stops vibrating and coffee is shot from the nose that points directly to the ground. The coffee pours out so fast that K-9 is lifted off of the floor and ‘hovers’ forward, across the gap in the floor, and towards the Doctor and Racnoss Empress.)

S: What’s happening?
R: Did you get that as a new function?
S: I don’t remember buying it.
H: Where’s my coffee going, I’ve almost got a cup now.

(K-9 continues to ‘hover’ into the dual between the Doctor and Racnoss Empress, who haven’t seen K-9. The Empress stands very close to the edge of the floor, and K-9 ’flies’ into her and knocks her off balance. She falls back, and into the gap, where she is splattered onto solid ground a few floors below.)

D: Thanks K-9, quick, we’ve got to get out now.

(K-9 stops a next to the Doctor, but he is still hovering, and the Doctor climbs onto his back, and turns K-9 around and they ‘hover’ back over to the TARDIS, where the Doctor gets to the floor, and K-9 stops shooting coffee, and also falls to the floor. The Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in thirty seconds.
R: Quickly, into the TARDIS.
S: Get everyone inside, then we can leave.

(Everyone quickly gets into the TARDIS and the engines sound as the box begins to disappear.)

CV: Self-destruct in five, four, three, two, one.

(The TARDIS finishes disappearing as the room explodes.)

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, Captain Jack, Sarah Jane Smith, Harriet Jones, Toshiko Sato, and K-9.

(The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, Jack, Sarah Jane, and K-9 are sitting in Rose’s front room in the flat.)

D: Well, this little problem seems to have wrapped up quite nicely if you ask me.
R: I agree, and it was ever so fun.
S: But the Doctor almost died earlier on.
G: But we managed to save him in time.
CJ: Actually, K-9 saved him.
R: Very true there, and then we bought the TARDIS back here for some lunch.
D: Whatever happened to Bilis Manger?
CJ: Why bring that up?
D: Well, I’ve just remembered him, was he in the building when it blew up?
S: I have no idea.
G: Do you know, K-9?
K-9: Sorry mistress, but I have no data on any events in Torchwood, all I can think of is coffee.
R: Talking of hot drinks, where’s Harriet with that tea, I’ve dying for a cup?
S: So, Doctor, what do you plan to do after this?
D: I’m not sure, maybe me, Rose, Jack, and Gwen could go out to a nice restaurant for a meal.
CJ: That sounds like a great idea.

(Toshiko enters with suitcases.)

T: Hello everyone.
CJ: Hi, Toshiko, did you enjoy your holiday in Japan?
T: Yes, it was wonderful.
R: Who are you? And how did you find your way here?
T: Oh sorry, where are my manners? I’ve Toshiko Sato, a member of Torchwood, I located Jack’s vortex manipulator and got here by that.
S: Well, come on in, we’ll have some tea in a few minutes.

(A timer rings in ten kitchen and the Doctor gets up and leaves.)

R: His sausages must be ready.

(The Doctor enters with a tray of sausages, and Harriet enters with cups of tea, that she hands out to everyone. Everyone also takes a sausage and eats some of it.)

G: These sausages are excellent.
H: What’s your secret?
S: They’re so moist and juicy.
D: I cook them in condoms.

(Everyone except the Doctor and Rose spits out their sausage and quickly drinks some tea, then they cough and choke.)

CJ: hat’s in this tea, it’s so hot?
T: It’s like it’s burning my mouth.
H: Well, of course it would, I made it the correct way, one hundred percent acid.

_________________
"I'm Gay And I Wear A Pink TuTu"