The New Doctor Who and Torchwood!

Here are the new scripts, most of it is still the same, but bits have been changed, but please still post your comments here

Episode 1 : A Death in Torchwood

Scene1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, and Bilis Manger.

(The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, and Gwen are in a restaurant, at a table, Bilis walks over.)

B: Are you ready to order?
CJ: Oh yes! I believe I am, I’ll have the…
D: Wait a minute, let the ladies order first, just because you are gay doesn’t mean you ignore them.
R: Is Captain Jack gay?
D: Oh course he’s gay, he tried to kiss me in the taxi on the way here.
CJ: I was cleaning your mouth.
D: Oh, and what was your hand doing?
CJ: I was feeling what your trousers were made of.
G: What, you actually TOUCHED the Doctor?
CJ: No I didn’t touch him, I touched his trousers.
D: That doesn’t matter. (Whispering.) Gaylord.
B: So what do you want?
D: Rose, you chose first.
G: I’m also female.
D: Oh yes, each say what you want at the same time then.
R+G: I’ll have the chicken soup.
B: Gwen, can you repeat that please?
G: Chicken soup.
B: Okay. (He writes it down.)
CJ: And I’ll have the….
D: Wait a minute, straight men before gays.
CJ: Gay men before straights.
G: Just stop this nonsense.
R: No! Gay men always go last!
G: No they don’t. Gay men go first. I’ve read a book about it when Reece stopped enjoying sex, I thought he was going gay, it turned out his penis was broken.
R: I didn’t want to know that.
D: So anyway, let me order my meal. I’ll have the layered pasta.
CJ: Wait! I want to go first.
D: I’m not gay, so I’m going first.
CJ: Oh yeah! (He pulls a gun from his pocket.) Doctor, I’m sorry.
D: (He pulls out his sonic screwdriver.) No, I’m sorry.
G: Stop this Doctor. (She grabs Bilis and nicks his pen, she points it at the Doctor.)Leave him alone.
R: No, you leave him alone! (She pulls a sharp key ring from her pocket.)
CJ: Okay, let’s sort this out, I won’t shoot you if you stop calling me gay.
D: Why would I do that gayboy?
CJ: That’s it. (He stands up and coughs.)
B: Wait a minute, this fight is so unfair.

(He clicks his fingers and Captain Jack has the sonic screwdriver, the Doctor has the pen, Rose has the gun, and Gwen has the key ring.)

B: Now it’s fair, just carry on now.
D: Come on then! (He stabs Captain Jack with the pen, Captain Jack bleeds.)
CJ: Oh, you’re paying for that.
D: How much?
CJ: This pink shirt cost ten pounds fifty.
D: Okay, okay, keep your gay hair on. (He reaches into his wallet and hands him a ten pound fifty note.)
CJ: Thanks. Now where were we, oh yeah, good bye Doctor. (He looks at the sonic screwdriver.) How do you use this?
G: Oh, just shut up. (She stabs Rose with the key ring, Rose falls to the floor, bleeding.)
R: You bitch! What was that for?
G: Oh shut up! (She jumps on Rose and keeps stabbing her, Rose dies.)
D: Nooooooo! She was my best friend! You will pay for that Gwen. (He picks up the gun and he shoots Gwen, she dies.)
CJ: So now it’s fair, a nice one on one. Just what I like. But this is still unfair. I’ve got a weapon I can’t use. I’ll trade you.
D: Okay. (They go to swap weapons, but the doctor shoots Captain Jack, he falls over.)
Yes, yes, I win, oh I’m so good.
CJ: (He rises and punches the Doctor.)I can’t die.
D: AH! You didn’t die! TARDIS come to me!

(The TARDIS comes and the Doctor pulls Rose inside, he walks inside and it leaves.)

Scene 2

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis Manger.

(The Doctor is in the TARDIS, Rose’s dead body lies on the floor.)

D: Rose, I’ll get you to hospital, oh, wait, I’ll use the sonic screwdriver’s new setting I installed, reviving people. (He holds it over Rose, it beeps, she wakes up, her wounds healed.)
R: Oh where am I Doctor? (She grabs his crotch.)
D: Ouch! Rose, I know I’m an alien, but I’ve still got a penis.
R: (She lets go.) Sorry Doctor, it was huge, oh, oh, sorry, I was scared, all I remember was that bitchy Welsh women with a gap between her front teeth raping me and stabbing my boobs, did I die?
D: You did die, and I don’t think she was raping you.
R: She was on top of me, maybe she’s a lesbian, yes, Captain Jack’s gay, and Gwen’s a lesbian.
D: Maybe.
R: How did you bring me back from the dead?
D: Oh yes, I installed a reviver function into the sonic screwdriver.
R: Installed! From where?
D: The internet it’s amazing what you can find on that. Females undressing themselves, or men if you’re gay, and like Captain Jack.
R: I don’t believe he’s gay, I’ve never met a gay man before.
D: I didn’t want to but I did. Yuk!
R: That’s a point Doctor, how did we get to that restaurant, I can’t remember?
D: Oh yes! Well… well …I can’t remember, wait, wait a minute. No, I can’t remember.
R: (She sits up.) Hey, we’re in the TARDIS, is this TARDIS moving?
D: Yes, it pulled up at the restaurant, I was rushing you to hospital and then I revived you, so, as I don’t need to go to the hospital anymore, is there anywhere you want to go?
R: Oh yes please! Let’s go and she Gwen, I can’t wait to kill her.
D: Actually she’s also dead, I shot her, maybe that gay captain has tried to get her to hospital, who knows.
R: Well now I don’t know where I want to go.

(Suddenly Bilis Manger appears next to the Doctor.)

B: Well, hello there.
R: You’re that waiter bloke.
D: How’d you get into my TARDIS?
B: Ignore that for now. I bring useful news, Captain Jack is rushing Gwen to hospital, if you stop him she will stay dead.
R: Yes! Come on Doctor, this is our chance.
D: What’s your name?
B: Bilis, Bilis Manger. (He shakes the Doctor’s hand.) I must be going now. (He disappears.)
R: Let’s go Doctor, we are going to stop Jack.
D: Yes, let’s go, I’ll set the TARDIS to home on to Jack.

(The Doctor goes to the centre of the TARDIS and presses some buttons.)

Scene 3

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, and Owen.

(Captain Jack is driving the van, Gwen’s dead body is beside him.)
CJ: I’ll save you Gwen, don’t worry, I’ll get you to hospital. Oh! Traffic lights! (The van
stops.) I’m calling an ambulance. (He pulls a phone from his pocket, and dials 999, he puts the phone to his ear.) Yes, ambulance, my friend is dead (The phone hangs up.) How rude, and they didn’t even ask me where I was, what happened to gay rights.

(The door opens and Owen is there.)

O: Gwen’s dead, quick, get her out of here, I can help her. (They pull Gwen out of the van.)
CJ: How are we going to help her? (They put her down.)
O: I’ve got an alien machine in my pocket, it may help. (He reaches into his pocket.)
CJ: (He takes the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.) Like this.
O: (He brings his hand out of his pocket, empty, he grabs the sonic screwdriver.) This will help, it’s much better.
CJ: Don’t snatch!
O: This should have a hole wrapper setting. (Here it is, he holds it above Gwen, it beeps and her wounds heal, she wakes up, and sits up.)
G: Where am I Jack?
CJ: Gwen, you died, Owen ought you back with that alien screwdriver from the Doctor.
G: Thanks Owen, thank you so much! (She continuously kisses him.)
CJ: Okay, okay, don’t get carried away. (He pulls them apart.)
O: Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you should split up straight people. (They continue kissing.)
CJ: Okay, well, let’s get out of here, come on, we must get to base, encase the Doctor comes, let’s go.
O: Okay. (They take each others shirt off.) Calm down.
G: Let’s go, we’ll finish this inside.

(They leave the shirts on the pavement and get in the van, it drives off.)

Scene 4

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and a Weevil.

(The Doctor and Rose are in the TARDIS.)

D: We’re almost there Rose.
R: Oh yes, I can’t wait please say Gwen is still dead.
D: Gwen is still dead.
R: Yay!
D: I’m going to kill Captain Jack, I hope he can die, I must find a way.

(The TARDIS stops.)

D: We’re here, quick Rose, grab a weapon, not my trousers this time.
R: Okay, I’ll have this thingy. (She picks up a wooden stick.) Is it deadly? (She swings it around) Seems it.
D: Okay, let’s go. (He goes to the doors.)
R: Wait Doctor, where’s your weapon?
D: My sonic screwdriver.
R: Oh yes, will it help?
D: Of course, I installed a new machine gun function, 20 bullets a second, I’d like to see Captain Jack stay alive.
R: Let’s go then. (They both walk out onto the street where the two shirts are.)
D: (Picking up Gwen’s shirt.) Well, they’ve been here, I remember this colour, maybe I can trace them through their DNA on these shirts.
R: But whose shirt is this? (She picks up Owen’s shirt, she takes a packet from the pocket.) A packet of condoms. (She looks inside.) Two are missing.
D: So there is only one left?
R: Yeah, just one.
D: Good. (He takes the pack and puts it in his pocket.) I may need that later.
R: But Doctor, they’re medium size, and I know yours is an extra large, I felt it a few hours ago if you don’t remember.
D: You thought I was going to use it, no, no, no, to cook sausages, that is there real use.
R: How do you do that?
D: Stuff the sausage in, put it in the oven for 25 minutes, take it out and the outside is nice and moist.
R: I’m so glad you’ve never cooked for me, I wouldn’t be alive.
D: But if I didn’t have my reviver function on my sonic screwdriver, you would be dead.
R: Oh yes, I died didn’t I, I completely forgot.
D: So anyway. (He takes both shirts.) Let’s trace their DNA. (They turn around, Bilis Manger is behind them.)
B: Look out!

(The Doctor and Rose turn around a Weevil is running towards them.)

D: Get down Rose!
R: Okay! (She ducks, placing her head in the Doctor’s crotch.)
D: Rose, not now, there are people watching, suck it when we get into the TARDIS.
R: (She turns her body around.) Ahhhhhhhhh! (The Weevil jumps on her face, her face in the Weevil’s crotch.)
D: I’ll save you Rose.
W: Rah! (He pushes his legs around Rose’s head.)
D: (Holds his sonic screwdriver up and aims it at the Weevil.) She’s my friend! (Bullets fire from the screwdriver and hit the Weevil it falls over, dead.)
R: (She gets up, a white liquid is around her mouth, she touches it.) Yuk! This stuff is sticky, ehhh, wipe it off, quick Doctor, give me something.
D: What do you want? (He looks in his pockets.) I’ve got nothing, except a condom, but you’re not getting that!
R: (She grabs Bilis’s cravat and wipes her mouth with it, she then replaces the cravat.) Oh thanks, wait, you’re that strange man that appeared in the TARDIS, and in the restaurant.
D: Bilis, that is your name isn’t it? Bilis.
B: Yes, you are correct, anyway I was just passing by and saw that beast, I thought I’ll warn you.
D: Well thank you, do you know what it is?
R: What, Doctor, don’t you know?
D: No, I’ve never seen anything like it.
B: I don’t now what the animal is called, but I can tell you where it came from.
R: Where, where. (She grabs Bilis.) Come on old man, where did it come from?
D: (Pulls Rose off Bilis.) Sorry for her, she’s a bit hyperactive. So where do these creatures come from? (He points to the Weevil.)
B: Torchwood.
D: I should have known. Can you show us where it is?
B: Of course I could, but I’m not going to.
R: Why? (She grabs him again.) Why? We need to know, or else. (She holds up her fist to threaten him.)
B: Or else what?
R: I’ll get the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver and push it so far up your backside that every time you sit down it will bleep.
B: I will tell you, but…..
R: But what?
D: Leave him alone Rose. (He pulls her off Bilis.)
B: I need to wash my cravat, I don’t want this glue on it any longer.

Scene 5

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, and Owen.

(Captain Jack, Gwen, and Owen are at the Torchwood base.)

CJ: So, what should we do?
G: I say we go after the Doctor, and kill him, and Rose, if she’s alive.
O: Wait a minute, who’s Rose, and this Doctor you’re talking about?
G: Well, they are?
CJ: Wait, Owen, I’ve got a question for you, how did you get to the van, and how did you know we were in it?
O: I was just passing by, I saw Gwen’s body and decided to help.
CJ: So how did you know how to use this? (He holds out the sonic screwdriver.)
O: I’ve seen one before.
CJ: Where?
G: Just leave him alone Jack.
O: At a hospital, it was a new piece of equipment.
CJ: So how did you know how to use it?
O: They taught me on a course.
G: Good enough Jack?
CJ: I suppose. (He walks off.)
G: he was a little harsh.
O: True.
G: Shall we go somewhere and I’ll show you how harsh I can be?
O: Will you use a whip?
G: If you ask me to, and prove you deserve one.
O: Okay. (He spanks her.)
G: Yes, you need a whip. (They walk off.)

(Captain Jack is in his office, sitting down, drinking brandy.)

CJ: Why were we at that restaurant, I can’t remember anything before, except the taxi getting there, oh yes, the Doctor’s trousers were made of cotton, I do remember. I’ll check my files. (He opens his drawer and pulls out a pile of papers, he starts looking through them) No, this isn’t it, oh, no, Gaylord, no, I’ve read that issue, oh, the Argos catalogue, I’ll look at that later, woman, no that’s Gwen’s magazine, no, no, no, playboy, this is Owen’s, yuk, it’s all sticky, quick, put that down. (He puts it down.) Oh here it is (He takes a sheet off the desk and looks at it.) Good! (He throws the rest on the floor and lights a match and throws it on the pile, the pile catches fire, he looks at the paper.) It’s not here, yuk, this sheet is also sticky, but it doesn’t have anything written on it until the taxi ride. (He throws it on the flaming pile.) I’ll tell Gwen. (He walks off)

(Gwen and Owen are having sex in a room containing boxes.)

O: Move a bit to the left, oh that’s good.
G: Keep going Owen, yes, yes, yes.
O: Oh yes, wait, can you feel something?
G: Your penis.
O: No. I’ve forgot a condom. I left the last one in my shirt pocket.
G: We’ve been going at it for ages, you’ve fertilized me by now.
O: No, I don’t want a child. (He pushes himself away from Gwen.)
G: We’ve made the floor messy, quick, clean it up before Jack sees. (A knocking is heard at the door.)
O: Don’t ask, just hand me that pack (He points.) of playing cards.
G: Okay. (She passes them to him.)
CJ: Can I come in yet?
O: (He puts the cards down and gives some to himself, and some to Gwen.) You can come in if you wish.

(The door opens and Captain Jack walks in.)

CJ: (He stares at Owen.) What’s going on?
G: Well…..
O: Strip poker, me and Gwen were bored, and we had no money so we had to bet clothes.
CJ: (He continues to stare at Owen.) Gwen, can I penis you outside?
G: What?!
CJ: (He looks away from Owen.) Can I talk to you outside?
G: Of course. (She walks outside, Captain Jack follows and they close the door.)
CJ: What happened before we went to that restaurant?
G: I…..we……
CJ: I need to know.
G: Check your office.
CJ: I have already.
G: Check again.
CJ: Okay.

(They go to Jack’s office, it is on fire.)

Scene 6

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and a shop worker.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis are in a launderette.)

D: Is your cravat ready?
B: Ready for what?
D: To put on.
B: Oh, almost, about five more minutes.
R: Hurry up! We’ve been here for two hours.
D: Stop exaggerating Rose, we all know it’s been three hours.
B: My cravat is special. We could wait ten hours if it needed that long.
R: I’m glad it doesn’t take that long, we could have found Torchwood by then. Gwen may be alive by now.
B: Oh yes, I must say, she is alive, came back to the world about ten minutes after you Rose.

(The shop worker walks over and hands Bilis his cravat.)

SW: Your cravat sir.
B: (He takes his cravat and puts it on.) Thank you.
SW: Come again. (She walks off.)
R: Not at the speed it took, I’m almost falling asleep, I’m never coming back.
B: Okay, calm down young one.
D: Wait, how do you know Gwen is alive?
B: Isn’t it easy to work out? I can travel between time, and places.
R: You cannot!
B: Your TARDIS can, why can’t I?
R: Well, arrrr. I suppose you could.
D: Wait, Bilis Manger, I’ve heard your name before.
B: I doubt that, I’m only 88.
R: My God! I thought you were 128!
D: Now that’s an exaggeration, he looks 228!
B: Stop talking about my age.
D: You said you’ll show us where Torchwood is.
B: I did, you must come to my shop, it’s only a ten minute walk.
R: Walking! I can’t, I’ll slide along, Doctor, clip my thong to your belt and pull me along.
D: No! But you could do something else with your thong.
R: What have you got in mind? (She begins to unbutton her shirt.)
D: Do you want to wash it? I’ll help you take it off.
R: I think it’s already washed.
D: Are you sure? Because if it is like you it is really dirty.
R: I’ve washed it.
D: With what?
R: Orgasmic fluids.
D: Really, can I feel it to make sure?
R: What are you going to use?
D: My sonic screwdriver. (He removes it from his pocket.)
R: If you want. (She takes off her shirt and leans forward.) Start with my boobs. (Bilis’s face falls into them.)
D: Hey, what are you doing?!
R: Ooh! Ooh! Like them some more Bilis. (She bobs up and down.)
D: What!? (He pulls Bilis off Rose, Bilis is asleep, snot is coming from his nose.)
R: Yuk! Get it off, get it off. (She grabs Bilis’s cravat and whips the snot off, she replaces the cravat.) Can we go now? (She puts her shirt back on.)
D: (He wakes up Bilis.) Get up, come on.
B: (Sitting up straight.) Oh, yes, of course, whatever’s happening?
R: I’m glad to be getting gout of here.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis get up to leave.)

B: My cravat’s dirty again.

(The Doctor and Rose run out of the shop.)

Scene 7

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, Bilis Manger, and Owen.

(Captain Jack and Gwen are in the burning office.)

CJ: (Grabbing Gwen.) We must get out of here!
G: (Pulling Jack to the wall.) I’m not getting out of here.
CJ: This whole place will burn, get out.
G: But, I fancy you. (She kisses him.) OH, I’m only lying. (She pulls a can from her pocket.) I can use this, get it, CAN use this, CAN, I’m holding a CAN. Ha, ha, ha!
CJ: Stop joking Gwen, and get out!
G: This can put out the fire. (She sprays a thin mist fro the can onto the fire, it goes out.)
CJ: Where did you get that from?
G: I found it in the storeroom where me and Owen had sex.
CJ: Sex, sex! I thought you were playing strip poker.
G: Oh yes, that’s right, strip poker. (Whispering.) What an idiot.
CJ: So why are we here again? Oh yes, I’ve looked for the paperwork. (He walks over to his desk.) But I can’t find anything useful.
G: (Walks over to the desk.) I’ll have a look. (She starts looking through the papers.)It’ll be here somewhere. (She takes out a magazine.) Oh, here’s my next catalogue.
CJ: I need to pop to the loo. Back in a few minutes. (He walks off.)
G: Okay. (She looks through Jack’s papers and pulls out a small pink book with a purple flower on the front.) This must be Jack’s diary, I must look. (She begins looking through it, she stops.) Ooh, page 127.12, this looks good, WHAT! Dear diary, today I slept with the Brigadier, you know, the one form UNIT, it was so fun, I sprayed it all over the floor.
CJ: (Walks back in.) Gwen! What are you doing?! Put that down!
G: (Puts it down.) It was very interesting. I didn’t know you did that sort of thing.
CJ: It’s not mine.
G: Whose is it then?
CJ: Erm, ah, erm, ah, Suzi’s, yes, it’s Suzi’s, not mine, no, not mine.
G: Maybe the information is in here.
CJ: It won’t be, Suzi is dead. (He jumps forward and grabs the diary.) I’ll keep this.

(Bilis Manger suddenly appears behind the desk.)

B: Well hello.
G: (Quickly backing away.) Who are you?
B: Bilis, Bilis Manger. (He shakes her hand.)
CJ: How did you get here?
B: As I get everywhere, by teleporting.
G: Is that possible Jack?
CJ: Of course, loads of alien devices can do it.
G: Why are you here?
CJ: Firstly, aren’t you a waiter?
B: I am not a waiter.
CJ: You were at that restaurant the other night.
B: It was last night. And I am here to aid you.
G: Aid us in doing what, ordering food?
B: I have been following you for some time, your help is needed.
CJ: Needed in what?
B: Well isn’t it simple to work out?
G: We wouldn’t be asking if we knew.
B: Good point, you are needed to stop the Doctor and bring peace to the world, and other worlds.
G: Why?
B: The Doctor lays waste to every place he goes to. He must be stopped, and that is your job.
CJ: Now that’s not true, in my contract, it says nothing about killing a mad doctor.
G: Be quiet Jack. Where can we find the Doctor?
B: Do you want to know, well I’m not going to tell you.
G: Why?!
B: I want your necklace in return.
G: No! Owen bought this for me.
B: Okay, okay, if you don’t want to know.
CJ: We do, just wait a minute, Gwen give it to him.
B: Tough, changed my mind.
G: What do you want now?
B: I still want the necklace, but I want to take it off.
G: Okay.

(Bilis walks over to her, places his hands around the back and puts his face close to Gwen’s, he starts to cough and it looks like he is going to kiss her, Owen walks on.)

O: (Pulls a gun from his pocket.)Leave her alone! (He shoots Bilis, Bilis falls onto the table bleeding, her is dead.)

Scene 8

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and a policeman.

(The Doctor, Rose and Bilis are walking along a road, loads of policemen and cars are going past.)

R: I wonder what’s going on.
D: Not sure myself, maybe there is a sale at the local doughnut shop.
B: (Taking a slice of bread from his pocket.) Maybe someone has died.
R: I hop it’s Gwen
D: Oh I wish.
B: (Taking a knife and some peanut butter from his pocket.) I’ve already told you, Gwen is still alive.
R: Ruin my fun why don’t you. I was just imaging her dead body there, blood pumping out of it, that would be good.

(They come to where all the police are crowded.)

D: I wonder what’s going on.
R: Let’s get a closer look.
B: (Peanut buttering his slice of bread.) Ask someone.

(They go up to a policeman.)

D: Excuse me, but what is going on?
P: Don’t you know.

(Some of the policemen move aside, and the TARDIS is in the middle, covered on chains.)

P: We won’t let anybody near it, we’re going to blow it up in about two hours.
B: (He drops his bread and peanut butter goes all over his cravat.) Oh, all over my cravat, it’s mixing with the snot.

_________________
"I'm Gay And I Wear A Pink TuTu"

Episode 2 : Burning Potatoes

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Policeman 1, and Policeman 2.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis are sitting on a bench at the side of the road, near the TARDIS and all the policeman.)

B: (Peanut buttering himself a slice of bread.) So the peanut butter came off easily.
R: Wow, that was the most fun conversation I’ve had all week.
D: Me too, it was so exciting I’ve got an erection.
B: Okay, okay, no more, I’ll stop.
R: (Clapping.) Thank goodness it’s over!
D: That still doesn’t solve the problem of the TARDIS and it being blown up.
R: You’ve got to go up to them policeman and beep your sonic screwdriver at them, they will run off screaming like little girls.
D: Good plan! (He takes the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.) This plan might just work.
B: Don’t even try it, it won’t work.
R: How do you know? You’re so old I’m not sure you even know what’s going on.
B: (He finishes peanut buttering his slice of bread.) I do know what’s happening, I’m going to eat some food. Ha! (He goes to eat the bread.)
R: What?!
D: Just ignore him Rose, I’m going to give this plan a try. (He beeps the sonic screwdriver.)
R: I don’t care, I’m having him on! (She runs at Bilis and jumps at him, the bench falls back as she head butts him ,screaming.)
D: (He removes Rose from Bilis.) Are you okay now?
R: Yes. Try the plan then.
D: Okay! (He beeps the sonic screwdriver again.)

(Two of the policemen turn around.)

P1: Weapon! Get him! (He points at the sonic screwdriver and runs at the Doctor.)
P2: Rape! That women tried to rape that old man! (He points at Rose and runs at her.)
D: Get down!
B: (He gets up and pulls the bench back to the way it was.) Wow, I didn’t know I was that strong anymore.
R: Run!

(She runs, grabs Bilis and the Doctor, they are run off, the Policemen stop.)

P1: I can’t run anymore.
P2: Oh, it was only a rapist and an illegal weapon, don’t worry about it, we’ve got more important things to do.
P1: Do you want to get a burger? It is (He looks at his watch.) Twelve o’clock.
P2: Fine, let’s go.

Scene 2

Characters: Gwen, Captain Jack, Owen, ad Ianto.

(Bilis’s dead body lies on the desk as Gwen, Captain Jack, and Owen stand around him.)

O: (Putting his gun away.) What was that old grandpa doing?
G: He was helping us! For God’s sake Owen! You don’t always have to use that gun!
O: I don’t use this gun during sex.
G: I know that, you use that other one.
CJ: Stop! Stop! I don’t care! Owen, you must stop all this killing! There is blood all over my desk.
O: So what was he doing, helping you with your sex life?
G: What?!
O: He was going to kiss you, aren’t I good enough? You want an older man, is that it?!
G: No Owen, he was taking my necklace so we can help this planet.
CJ: And kill the Doctor. We could miss there birds with one rock.
G: Jack. (Lightly whispering.) It’s kill two birds with one stone.
CJ: Oh, oh, I will remember that from now on. (He writes it on his hand.)
O: I’m not having this.
G: Having what?
O: That man assaulting you, taking the necklace I bought for you. I can’t take it. (He storms out.)

(Gwen goes to run after him, Captain Jack stops her.)

CJ: Leave him?
G: (Forcing her way from Jack’s grip.) Just because I kissed you doesn’t mean I don’t love Owen. I must talk to him!
CJ: What are you going to say? Talk to me?
G: I must say sorry to him, I only kissed you once, now I’m leaving! (She walks off.)
CJ: I don’t care about the kiss! I want the Doctor dead. Help me!

(Gwen walks off as Ianto enters the office.)

I: Jack, what’s going on, I heard there was a fire.
CJ: Oh don’t worry, that was the last episode, you are a little late, now I’m going after Gwen and Owen. Can you get rid of that body? (He runs off.)
I: Okay. (He walks over to the body.) I’ll take care of this. (He reaches into Bilis’s shirt pocket and pulls out a ten pound note, he puts it in his pocket.) Ooh yes! A pay rise!

Scene 3

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis Manger.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis are running (Bilis is almost at a walking speed) they stop and sit on a stone wall in front of a house’s front garden.)

D: I think we escaped them.
R: I hope so.
B: I need a peanut butter sandwich. (He searches his pockets.) There’s no peanut butter or bread left.
R: What about that other slice you had?
B: I dropped that when you ran at me!
R: Oh yeah, I remember now.
R: Who cares about your butter anyway?
D: It’s peanut butter Rose.
R: What’s the difference?
D: If you have an allergy to peanuts you wouldn’t eat peanut butter, but you would eat normal butter.
R: But you may not like normal butter.
D: True, you may not, but that doesn’t mean to are allergic to peanuts.
B: Can you just stop this please?
R: Be quiet!
D: No it is a good idea to stop.
R: Only because you lost you loser.
D: No I didn’t lose.
R: Yes you did. LOSER! LOSER!
D: No, you’re a loser!
R: (She makes an ‘L’ sign with her finger and thumb.) LOSER!
D: (He slaps Rose.) LOSER!
R: (She slaps him back.) No, you’re a loser.

(They get into a slapping fight where the word “LOSER!” is constantly repeated.)

B: Stop, stop!
D: (He grabs Rose’s hands and the fighting stops.) Remember, we are trying to get to Torchwood.
R: Oh yes. Bilis, how do we get there?
B: You should pop by my shop first to get some supplies.
D: (He lets go of Rose’s hands.) Okay.
R: What about the TARDIS, we need that more?
D: We could walk to Bilis’s shop and then to Torchwood.
R: I’m not walking anywhere! It took me ages to get this belly, I don’t want to burn any of it up!
D: (He lightly slaps Rose’s belly.)Oh yes, that must of taken you ages.
R: Not as long as these boobs. Go on, feel them.
D: (Feels Rose’s left boob.) Oh yes, that is even better.
R: (She grabs the Doctor’s hand and squeezes her left boob continuously.) Do you like it?
D: Yes, oh, yes!
R: Get the TARDIS and we can carry on in there.
D: Yes, we should get the TARDIS then.
B: I thought you wanted to go to Torchwood?
D: I did until Rose just offered me sex.
B: So?
D: You are old, you don’t know what sex is, you’ve probably forgotten.
R: (She lets go of his hand.) So, get the TARDIS and we’ll carry on in there.
B: Do you want to get the TARDIS or go to Torchwood?

(The Doctor looks between Rose and Bilis.)

D: Erm, I’ll pick……

(Rose undoes the top few buttons of her shirt, The Doctor points at her and she sucks his finger.)

D: I’ll get the TARDIS!
B: Okay. (He falls off the fence.) Oh, my neck!

Scene 4

Characters: Gwen, Owen, Captain Jack, and Ianto.

(Owen is driving his sliver car.)

O: Ha, Gwen, I buy her all the stuff she wants and she goes at it with an OAP. And Jack was watching, there should be a law against this.

(Gwen is driving her pink sports car.)

G: I must see Owen, tell him about all of this. I didn’t believe he would see us, I just want to kill the Doctor and Rose so badly.

(Captain Jack is driving the Torchwood black van.)

CJ: And so Bob must fix the house or Wendy isn’t going to be very happy.

(Ianto pops up in the back of the van.)
I: Jack. Bob the builder ended two hours ago.
CJ: True, that is right, what am I meant to be talking about now?
I: Owen has ran off after he shot Bilis and Gwen has gone after him, and you have gone after Gwen.
CJ: I remember now. Thanks Ianto. Hey! Aren’t you meant to be putting Bilis’s dead body away?
I: No, I popped in the van just after you.
CJ: Okay.
I: Bye. (He ducks down and isn’t seen.)
CJ: So, I must catch Gwen and kiss her again.

(Back to Owen.)

O: I hate my life so much, I want to die. And what better way to do it than in a car, I’m going to close my eyes and try and drive. (He closes his eyes.) Wait a minute! (He opens his eyes again.) I must finish my drink. (He picks up a drink from the seat beside him, he drinks it, winds the window down and throws the empty cup out of the window.) Now I’m ready. (He closes his eyes.)

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Yvonne Hartman.

(The Doctor and Rose are helping Bilis up after he fell off the stone wall into somebody’s garden.)

D: Are you okay? (He sits Bilis back up on the way.) I’m going for the TARDIS.
B: The TARDIS! (He rocks back and forth on the wall.) Oh, I’m going to fall!
R: Don’t be stupid. (She slaps his cheek.)
D: I know you can help me Bilis, how can I get the TARDIS back?
B: Well you could… no, no, that wouldn’t work.

(The house door that they are in the garden of opens and Yvonne Hartman walks out.)

Y: Dad! (She runs at Bilis and hugs him.) I’ve missed you, I haven’t seen you in ages.
B: How are you darling?
Y: (She hugs him harder.) I’m fine, how are you?
B: I’m okay, except my neck is breaking off.
Y: (She stops hugging him.) Why?
B: Oh, no, it’s okay now. You don’t come by my shop anymore.
Y: No, my job at Torchwood, no, no, erm, I mean, at the strip club. That takes up all of my time.
D: So you work at Torchwood?
Y: Yes, yes I do.
D: That’s fine. (He removes the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.) Okay.
B: Wait. (He grabs the sonic screwdriver.) Not the Torchwood you’re talking about.
D: Fine. (he takes his sonic screwdriver back and puts it in his pocket.)
Y: Why don’t you come inside and have a cup of tea and some homemade cakes.
B: Okay.
Y: Just one thing first.
B: Yes, what is it dear?
Y: (She points at the ground where Bilis fell.) Who broke my prized sunflower?!

Scene 6

Characters: Owen, Gwen, Captain Jack, Ianto, and a Policeman.

(Owen has his eyes closed as his car heads for a group of policemen that are near the TARDIS.)

O: Am I dead yet?

(Gwen is driving her car.)

G: I must catch up quickly, these roads are blocked off and so it will be hard to drive around here.

(Jack is driving the van.)

CJ: And so Bob has almost finished the house, but he has lost a roof tile, and so sent Dizzy to get another one.

(Ianto pops up in the back seat of the van.)

I: Bob the Builder ended two and a half hours ago.
CJ: Oh, yes, I remember what I’m doing now. I must stop them before someone gets hurt, and I must kiss Gwen again.
I: WHAT?!
CJ: Go away Ianto!

(Ianto disappears in the back.)

(Owen’s car is about to hit some policemen but the jump out of the way and his car spins and faces the policeman holding the bomb, he drives into him, and the policeman throws the bomb, it flies through the air and lands in Owen’s car by falling through the sunroof, Owen carries on driving.)

O: (Opening eyes.) what’s happening? (He looks down at the bomb.) Oh!

(Back to Gwen’s car.)

G: What’s he doing?

(Owen’s car swings left and right as he avoids the policemen as they jump out of the way.)

O: (He looks at the bomb.) Oh, It only explodes in ten minutes, I’ve got time.

G: What is he doing? A bomb is in his car.

CJ: I must stop him, that bomb will have a timer, but any quick movement will set it off, I must stop him.

(An open back police van comes onto the street, in the back are eight policemen armed with rifles.)

P: (Points towards Owen’s car.) Stop it at all costs!
(The policemen load their weapons.)

CJ: Or they can stop Owen for me.

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Yvonne Hartman.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis Manger are sitting at a table, Yvonne walks over to them and hands them each a cup of tea.)

Y: So what brings you to this area?
R: Torchwood!
D: But not the one you’re in, the Cardiff one.
Y: So you’re here in London, so you can go to a base in Cardiff. Aren’t they just a few miles apart?
D: Yes, that’s why I wanted to get my TARDIS back.
Y: A TARDIS!
D: Yes, a TARDIS, have you heard of one.
Y: I ordered one from the Torchwood online catalogue yesterday, the pink one of course.
B: (Sips some of the tea.) Ouch! This is hot!
R: I’m starving, have you got any unhealthy snacks I could pig out on?
B: Oh yes, you said something about homemade cakes.
D: Oh, no, not homemade cakes, they always contain the smallest amount of fat and sugar possible.
Y: Not my cakes, I do the very best lardy chip cakes in all of England. Eighty nine percent lard, ten percent potatoes, and one percent crayon.
R: CRAYONS!
Y: No, no, I mean poison, no, no, I mean one percent cake. Yes that’s it. (Whispering.) They don’t suspect a thing.
D: I’ll have two.
B: Only one for me thank you.
R: I’ll have three.
D: THREE! You are so rude, don’t have that many.
R: Okay then, six please, but don’t overcook them chips!
Y: Fine, I’ll make sixty.
B: Why sixty?
Y: The Doctor wants two, you want one, Rose wants six, and I want two. Do the maths, two plus one plus six plus two equals sixty.
R: WHAT?!
D: Just ignore her.
Y: (She opens a small drawer and pulls out a huge, twenty six kilogram bag of potatoes.) This should do.
D: (He stands up.) I’ll make some sausages.
Y: Fine (She points to the fridge.) They’re in there. (she opens another small drawer and takes out a huge metal bucket) Has anyone got some matches, I can’t cook these potatoes without matches?
D: Has anyone got any condoms? I can’t cook these sausages otherwise.

Scene 8

Characters: Owen, Gwen, Captain Jack, Yvonne Hartman, The Doctor, and a policeman.

(Owen is driving with the bomb beside him.)

O: I’ll just drive around a little bit and then I’ll dump this bomb at the bin.

(Gwen is following Owen’s car.)

G: When is he going to pull over? That bomb is going to blow up.

(Gwen’s car is rammed onto the pavement as the police van comes around the corner.)

P: Open fire on the wheels!

(The policemen start shooting at the car wheels.)

CJ: They’re going to blow hi to bits. As soon as those tyres are shot out the bomb with explode.

(At Yvonne’s house.)

Y: What’s going on outside?
D: I don’t have a clue.
Y: (She takes a huge metal lid out of another drawer.) As soon as I find some matches |I can start to make these potatoes poison cakes, I, I mean potato cakes.

(Outside the police shoot Owen’s wheels and his car spins and drives into Yvonne’s house, he crashes through the front window and he stops so quickly the bomb slides out of his car, smashes the window, and lands in Yvonne’s pot as she puts the lid on, it explodes and smoke and burning potatoes fly everywhere, Owen is in the car, hios forehead bleeding.)

_________________
"I'm Gay And I Wear A Pink TuTu"

Episode 3 : Hartman’s Heart Attack

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, and Owen.

(The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Yvonne Hartman are in the kitchen of Yvonne’s house, flaming potatoes are rolling everywhere.)

Y: Well, no cakes for us then, how about just one of the ingredients?
D: Which one?
Y: The poison.
R: Oh yes! What types have you got?
Y: (She opens a cupboard and looks inside.) Rat poison, snake poison, plain poison, and a bottle of coke.
R: Oh, don’t worry, I only like poison á la poison.
Y: Sorry, I ran out of that yesterday.
R: Oh, okay, how about we all go into your front room and see to that car smashed through the wall?
B: That sounds like a good idea, let’s go.
D: I won’t cook any sausages then.

(The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Yvonne Hartman all walk over to the car where Owen is inside.)

Y: Excuse me, who are you?
O: (He looks up, blood is covering his face, he wipes some of it away.) Ouch!
Y: Owen!
O: Yvonne!
D: You know this man, Doctor, is this man called Owen?
D: I’m not sure.
Y: He is called Owen, he’s from the Cardiff Torchwood.
D: (He takes the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.) Let’s find out what he knows.
B: Yvonne, aren’t you going to stop the Doctor?
Y: Why?
B: Owen is in Torchwood like you, you can’t go against your work place.
Y: He blew up my potatoes, I don’t care if he’s slept with Harriet Jones, my potatoes are more important.
B: What?!
R: Be quiet old man! (She punches Bilis and he falls to the floor.)
B: Ouch! Ouch! I need a doctor.

(Owen gets out of the car.)
O: I’m a doctor.
D: I don’t care. (He jumps forward and punches Owen in the stomach.)
O: Ouch! (He holds his stomach.) Yvonne, get hi to stop.
Y: Why should I get him to do anything?
O: Because you’re his girlfriend.
Y: What?! (She flying kicks Owen in the chest.)
O: So you’re not his girlfriend.
R: No! I am!
D: What?!
R: Come on Doctor. You fancy me badly, we should be going out.
D: True, and I don’t want to look gay like Captain Jack.
R: So where are you taking me for our first date?
D: Does McDonalds count?
R: Of course.
B: I still need a doctor.
O: I also need help, but I’m a doctor, I can help myself. (He takes a needle and some string from his pocket and he ties up the cut on his forehead.)
D: I’ll see you at eight.
R: Fine, but first, shouldn’t we help Bilis and see what Owen knows?
D: Sure thing. (He walks over to Bilis and pulls him to his feet.)
Y: Oh dad! (She runs at him and hits him so hard, he falls over.)
B: My neck!

Scene 2

Characters: Gwen, Captain Jack, and a policeman.

(Gwen is sitting in her smashed up car on the pavement. Captain Jack is driving the van and he pulls up behind Gwen, he gets out of the van and runs over to Gwen.)

CJ: Gwen! How are you?!
G: Jack, I’m fine, I just want to know what happened to Owen.
CJ: Why? Did the bomb explode?
G: Yes, in that house. (She points to Yvonne Hartman’s house, burning potatoes still roll around in the front garden.)
CJ: I wish I saw it, that fat police truck blocked the view.
G: I wonder if Owen’s okay.
CJ: Don’t worry yourself, kiss me.
G: Jack, that other kiss meant nothing. I don’t care for you, I only care for Reece.
CJ: Is that why you were having sex with Owen?
G: Erm, well, I can explain that….
CJ: Reece isn’t entertaining enough for your orgasmic pleasure, so you found somebody else to do it for you.
G: Yes, okay, it’ all true, Reece’s penis is still broken and so it’s hard to have fun at home, I need somebody else.
CJ: What about me?
G: You’re gay.
CJ: I could change.
G: That’s what Reece said, I first meet him and he was 36 stone, he promised he would lose 20 stone of it.
CJ: Did he?
G: Oh course not! He’s a fat pig! He has put on 20 stone!
CJ: I’ll change, becoming straight is so much easier than losing weight.
G: Are you sure?
CJ: Let me try.
G: Well……..
CJ: Come on please, jus one date?

(A policeman walks next to Captain Jack.)

P: Sir, is this your van?
CJ: Yes, yes it is.
P: Move it then. It is parked on a double yellow line.
CJ: Can you wait a minute please?
G: I’m still thinking.
P: If you do not move that van now I will have to arrest you.
CJ: Okay. (He walks into his van and drives off.)
G: Okay, I’ll let you take me out. (She looks around.) He’s gone.
P: I’m going to have to ask you to move your car as well.
G: (She gets out of her pink sports car.) Well, It’s broken, I cannot move it.
P: Complaining to a police officer, I’ll have you arrested.
G: Okay, okay. Quick! (She points behind the policeman.) It’s Harriet Jones!

(The policeman turns around and Gwen runs off.)

Scene 3

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, and Owen.

(The Doctor and Rose are standing in Yvonne Hartman’s front room, Bilis Manger and Yvonne Hartman are on the floor, Owen is also on the floor, performing surgery on himself.)

Y: Are you okay Dad?
B: Erm, ah….ah. (He rolls over a little.)

(Rose runs into the kitchen.)

D: Where are you going Rose?

(Rose returns with a bucket of water, she throws it over Bilis he wakes up and springs upright, he hits Yvonne in the nose.)

Y: Ouch! My nose! (She holds her nose)
O: (He stands up, fully healed, no blood can be seen.) I’m fine, I’ll be going now.
B: (Looking at Owen.) You have some blood on your trousers.
O: Ah! Ah! I killed you! (He backs away and points at Bilis.)
B: I can assure you ,you didn’t, I’m still here.
O: No! I shot you! (He keeps stepping back, and is now touching the wall.) I killed you!
D: Well you can’t have shot him within the last day or so, he’s been with me and Rose.
Y: (Blood pouring from her nose.) I’m going to black out!

(The Doctor and Rose are in beach chairs, each holding a bucket of popcorn.)

R: Can you be quiet Yvonne? This is just getting interesting.
D: Yes, quiet in front.
Y: I’m blacking out. (She blacks out.)
O: (He points at Bilis and keep trying to back away, he keeps hitting the wall.) You’re dead, I saw your blood all over Jack’s desk, you’re dead!
B: No I’m not dead, my blood is all inside me. (To himself.) Well, except that two pints I gave at the hospital.(He looks at Yvonne.) I’ll help you dear. (He pokes her.) No, she’s dead.
R: (Looking inside her popcorn bucket) I’m out of popcorn, and this is just getting interesting.
D: (Throwing his popcorn bucket.) I’m also out of snacks. (He jumps out of his chair.) Bilis, Owen, can you wait a minute? I’m going to make some sausages. (He walks into the kitchen.)

Scene 4

Characters: Gwen, Policeman, and Captain Jack.

(Gwen is running away from the Policeman.)

P: Stop! Stop!
G: No! (She runs faster.)
P: I’ll use force!
G: Go on then!
P: (He takes a stun gun out of his pocket and shoots Gwen, she falls over softly, the Policeman walks over to her.) Now, I think we need to have a little talk, don’t you? (He talks in a childish voice.) I couldn’t see Harriet Jones any where and I really wanted to meet her.
G: (The stun of the gun has run out, she gets up.) She was there, I saw her.
P: Really? I looked and I couldn’t see her.
G: Did you look behind the tree?
P: Well no, of course not.
G: That’s where she was. Because she’s so rich and powerful she doesn’t want to meet working class people like you, I bet she’s still around there somewhere.
P: Really? Are you sure?
G: Of course, go look for her.
P: Okay. (He runs off.)

(Captain Jack drives the van and pulls up on the pavement next to Gwen.)

CJ: Hello Gwen. Are you okay?
G: I’m fine. I was almost arrested.
CJ: By who?
G: A policeman, that just ran off in that direction. (She points to the way the Policeman just ran off in.)
CJ: Shall we go? (He takes her hand.)
G: (She takes her hand back.) Yes, let’s go.
CJ: Where to, Egypt, Paris, America?
G: Can we go and see how Owen is?
CJ: Okay, but first, how about that date I asked for?
G: Well, I’ve given it some thought, and yes, I would like to go on a date with you Captain Jack.
CJ: It’s Jack to you, how about we go to McDonalds.
G: Sure, what time?
CJ: Tonight at eight o’clock.
G: Well, we’ll have to be quick, my bedtime’s half eight.
CJ: Oh course, we’ll be quick.
G: Let’s go and see Owen.
CJ: Sure. (He helps Gwen into the van, he gets out goes around the other side and opens the door for her, she gets in, he closes the door, goes back to his side, gets in, closes the door, and drives off.)

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Owen.

(The Doctor is in the kitchen, Rose is on a chair in he front room while Own backs up against the wall, Yvonne has blacked out and is lying on the floor and Bilis sits next to her.)

D: (Searching Yvonne’s kitchen.) Well, Rose, I can’t cook any sausages, how about an ice - cream?
R: Sure, what flavour?
D: (He opens the freezer, and takes out an ice - cream tub.) She’s only got vanilla.
R: Look around the kitchen.
D: Okay.
O: Can we carry on now?
R: No! Wait until me and the Doctor are ready, then you can carry on.
B: (Looking at Yvonne.) Yep! She’s fainted, has anybody got something to wake her up?
R: I told you to be quiet! Now you’re going to have to repeat that line when the doctor comes back in.
D: (He comes into the front room carrying two ice - cream cones, he hands one to Rose, he sits down and they both start to lick them.) You can start again.
B: (Looking at Yvonne.) Yep! She’s fainted, has anyone got something to get her up?
R: (Standing up in anger.) Get! Get! You idiotic old man! It’s wake her up! Wake her up!
B: Okay, I’ll try again.
R: Good. (She sits back down and continues to lick her ice - cream.)
B: (Looking at Yvonne.) Yep! She’s fainted, has anybody got something to wake her up?
O: I killed you. I killed you.
D: (Growing angry.) Can you stop repeating that line? Say something else. And stop backing up against the wall, you’re going to make a hole in it!
O: Okay, I’ll do something different.
R: (Talking to The Doctor.) How comes you couldn’t make any sausages then?
D: (Talking to Rose.) I couldn’t cook any sausages because I only had one condom.
R: (She finishes her ice - cream.) What do you mean, only HAD one condom?
D: I used it in these ice - creams.
R: Ahhh! Well, I did like it, so I can’t complain.
D: That’s good then.
O: I’ve thought of a line.
R: (She looks at Owen, so does The Doctor.) Go on then.
O: (He takes a mobile phone out of his pocket, he dials a number, and puts it to his mouth.) Help me.

Scene 6

Characters: Gwen, and Captain Jack.

(Captain Jack is driving the van, Gwen is sitting next to him.)

CJ: So, Owen should be around here somewhere.
G: Oh yes, find the house with the parked car through the front of it.
CJ: Very good idea.
G: (Points at a house.) There it is!
CJ: No Gwen, that’s the Ideal Home Show. Cars through the front of your house is the fashion this year.
G: Oh, I need one. (She takes her mobile phone out of her pocket.) I’m gonna phone Reece. (Her phone rings, she answers it and puts it to her ear.) Ouch! (She takes it away from her ear.) I think it’s Owen, he’s asking for help.
CJ: Ask him where he is.
G: (She puts the phone back to her ear and speaks into it.) Where are you? (She nods and looks at Jack.) At Yvonne’s house.
CJ: Yvonne, Yvonne who?
G: (She talks into the phone.) Yvonne who? (She talks to Jack.) Yvonne Hartman.
CJ: Yvonne Hartman! I know where she lives. (He spins the wheel quickly and Gwen falls over, she loses hold o her phone and it goes out of an open window.)
G: My mobile!
CJ: I’ll buy you a new one.
G: Make sure you get it before our date.
CJ: Any sort of phone you want?
G: A mobile one, and make sure there’s a car parked out of the side of it, that’s the fashion.

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, and Owen.

(The Doctor and Rose are sitting down on chairs, Bilis is on the floor next to Yvonne who is still blacked out, and Owen is standing against the wall with a mobile phone in his hand.)

D: Help me! Help me! That is the worst line I’ve ever heard, and I’ve been to Romeo and Juliet, that had better lines!
O: Shall I insult Bilis?
D: Yes, that would be great.
O: Okay. (Talking to Bilis.) You’re old.
R: Dun, dun, dun.
D: I never knew.
B: (Getting to his feet, as he gets up he uses Yvonne’s face to pull himself up.) Well you’re a tramp.
R: Dun, dun, dun.
D: I never knew.

(Yvonne wakes up.)

Y: What’s going on? Where am I?
B: You’re at your house, Owen just blew up your potatoes because you were going to make potato cakes.
Y: (Standing up.) Oh yes, well, I’ve got some spare ones in the cupboard.
D: Why couldn’t we have them before?
Y: Because there is only one hundred in the cupboard and you needed sixty.
R: Let’s have them anyway.

(The Doctor, Rose, Bilis, Yvonne, and Owen all go into the kitchen, Yvonne opens a very small cupboard and potato cakes fall out all over the floor.)

Y: Enjoy yourselves.
(Everybody bends over and starts eating the cakes, Yvonne takes one bite, she coughs and falls to the floor.)

Y: Ouch! Ouch! (She holds her chest.) It hurts!
D: (He goes to her.) She’s having a heart attack.
Y: Help me! Get an ambulance!
R: I’ll use my mobile phone. (She takes a mobile phone from her pocket.)
O: Me too. (He takes a mobile phone from his pocket.)
B: I’ll use the normal phone. (He goes to the front room.) Found it!
Y: Quick! Help!
D: It’s okay. (he tries to sit her up, she keeps falling over.)
Y: Help!
R: (She’s talking into the mobile phone.) Yes, ambulance, where? Erm. (She looks to Yvonne.) Where do you live?
Y: Sixty six Apple road!
R: (She speaks into the mobile phone .) Sixty six Apple road. Thanks. (She puts the mobile phone away I her pocket.)
O: (He is talking into the mobile phone .) Thank you. (He puts the mobile phone away in his pocket.)
B: (Walking back into the kitchen.) I’ve phoned the fire station.
D: Fire station?!
B: Is there a problem?
D: Where’s a fire?

(Bilis points to the front room, one of the potatoes has set the curtain alight and the sofa is starting to catch fire.)

_________________
"I'm Gay And I Wear A Pink TuTu"

Episode 4 : TARDIS Takeover

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, Owen, Ambulance man 1, 2, and 3.

(Yvonne is laying on the kitchen floor, holding her chest, The Doctor, Rose, Bilis, and Owen stand around her.)

Y: Are the ambulance here yet?
D: Soon Yvonne soon. (He pats her hand.)
B: What about the fire engine? We need them.
Y: This is killing me, and you dad, all you can think about are me pink curtains I ordered from the Torchwood online catalogue.
O: I’ll check if any of them are here yet. (He goes to walk off but Rose stops him.)
R: You aren’t going anywhere. We still need you for questioning. (She holds his arm.) You’re staying.
B: I’ll check then. (He walks off.)
O: (He looks at Rose’s hand very erotically.) How about you question me in the bedroom, you know, remove some of my clothes if I don’t talk?
R: (She slaps him.) No! I’m dating the Doctor.
O: (He uses her arm to pull her towards him, he kisses her, she pushes him back.) You know you want to?
R: (She kicks him in the crotch, he holds it and falls to the floor.) You know I want to do that. (She laughs a little.)
O: Ouch, I need an ambulance.

(Bilis walks back in with Ambulance man 1, 2, and 3.)

B: There were only the two ambulances, no fire engine yet.
A1: (He goes to Yvonne.) By any chance, are you the one having a heart attack?
A2: (Also going to Yvonne.) Let’s get her in the ambulance.
A1: Why?
A2: She’s the one having the heart attack.
A1: Oh. Okay then. Let’s lift her. Get on that side. (He points to the opposite side of her to the side that he is on.)
A2: (Goes to the other side.) Three, two, one, and lift. (They lift Yvonne and carry her out of the house.)
A3: (Goes to Owen.) Are you okay? Does your nose hurt?
O: (He holds his crotch, and says to ambulance man 3 in a sarcastic voice.) Yes, my nose hurts, quick help me.
A3: Is it broken. (He taps Owen’s nose.) Doesn’t seem it. Is it bleeding. (He pokes his finger up Owen’s nose, he takes it out, nothing is on his finger.) No, it doesn’t seem to be bleeding, are you sure it’s hurt?
O: (In an angry voice.) It’s my crotch you idiot! It hurts.
A3: Okay then, come with me, it could be broken. (He helps Owen up and they walk out of the house.)
R: (She looks at The Doctor.) Couldn’t you use your sonic screwdriver?
D: Of course I could. I just don’t like flashing it around, others may get jealous.
R: True, I’m starting to want one. (She turns coy.) You know Doctor, we are in this house all by ourselves?
D: Yes we are.
R: We’re all alone. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
D: Yes, of course.
R: Great!
D: Let’s get the TARDIS back. (He runs at Rose, grabs her hand and pulls her out of Yvonne’s house.)

Scene 2

Characters: Captain Jack, and Gwen.

(Captain Jack and Gwen are in the van, they drive to Yvonne’s house just as the Doctor and Rose can be seen running off down the road, they pull up.)

CJ: Owen should be inside.
G: Let’s go.
CJ: Don’t get out yourself, let me help you.

(Captain Jack gets out, closes his door, goes round to Gwen’s side, opens her door, let’s her out, closes her door and they walk into Yvonne’s house.)

CJ: This is nice, I wished I lived here.
G: It is nice. (She kicks a potato that was on the floor, they are no longer alight.) Except for all of these potatoes and the burning curtain and sofa.
CJ: Yes. It is a bad choice of style. If the fire was put out it would be much better.
G: (She nods in agreement.) Yes. Should we put the fire out?
CJ: Why not.
G: I’ll use a fire-putter-outter-beam.
CJ: What’s one of them?
G: I’ll show you.
CJ: Where is it?
G: It’s in my handbag.
CJ: What handbag?
G: The one I always carry around, but I always hide it behind my back so no one sees it. (She puts a handbag down on the non-burning sofa. She opens it and takes out one of the small bottles she used in episode 1 scene 7. She sprays it on the fire, and it goes out, she throws the can aside.)
CJ: I thought you ran out of them cans?
G: So did I. But I checked and I still had two left at home, so they are in my handbag. (She closes her handbag and hide sit behind her back, it is unseen.)
CJ: Look at that new laptop, that could have been burnt without us.

(The camera faces a laptop on a table next to the sofa, the top is slightly open, and the power light is green.)

G: Let’s see what sites Yvonne has been on.
CJ: Let’s.

(They open the screen and lean in.)

G: Ooh! (She is shocked.)
CJ: M God, I used to be gay, and even I didn’t think of them sort of things.
G: My god, look how long it is. What will it ever fit in?
CJ: Even the Doctor’s isn’t that big.
G: And you’ve felt his one, haven’t you?
CJ: No, I only saw it, oh, wait, I did touch it, I even got to use it.
G: My God!

(The camera leans in on the screen and it shows the Torchwood online catalogue, Yvonne was ordering a pink sonic screwdriver.)

CJ: No one uses this site.
G: Yvonne does.
CJ: And so does Owen.
G: What did he buy from it?
CJ: That necklace around your neck.
G: Ahhh! (She pulls the necklace off, it brakes and she throws it away.)
CJ: Where is Owen anyway?
G: I don’t know.

(They look around the room.)

CJ: Let’s go upstairs! (He smiles.)

Scene 3

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Owen, Nurse 1 and 2, and Doctor 1 and 2.

(Yvonne is on a stretcher and there is Doctor 1, and Nurse 1 around her, she is still having a heart attack.)

Y: Help me. Help me!
D1: Don’t worry, we’ll sort it out, what’s your name?
Y: Yvonne, Yvonne Hartman!
D1: Okay. (He talks to Nurse 1.) Bring the anaesthetics.
N1: Here it is Doctor. (She hands Doctor 1 a syringe fall of a purple liquid.)
D1: Thank you nurse.

(He goes to eject Yvonne, the camera moves to show Owen coming through the door on a stretcher.)

O: Yvonne!

(Yvonne is now asleep and is being wheeled away by Doctor 1 and Nurse 1.)

O: Help me.

(Doctor 2 and Nurse 2 come over to Owen)

D2: What’s wrong?
O: My cock is killing me.
N2: (She giggles.) Can I take a look?
O: Why?
N2: I need to see how big it is.
D2: (He is angry with Nurse 2.) No you don’t.
N2: Okay, I’ll tell you the truth, I may need to remove it. (She takes a sharp pair of scissors out of her pocket.)
O: No, no, I feel fine now actually.

(Owen quickly swings his legs off the stretcher and hits Nurse 2 in the face, she falls over.)

N2: Ouch! Ouch!
O: Sorry. (He gets off the stretcher and runs off.)
D2: Wait!

(Owen looks around to laugh at Doctor 2, but he crashes into a wheelchair and hits his crotch on the armrest, he holds his crotch, and falls over.)

Scene 4

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, and Policeman.

(The Doctor and Rose are at the place where the TARDIS is and policemen walk around.)

D: (Whispering.) Be careful Rose that we don’t see that policeman that thought I had a weapon, and you were assaulting Bilis.
R: (Looking around.) I’ll keep my guard.
D: I thought the TARDIS was meant to have been blown up by now. Let’s ask someone. (He walks over to the Policeman and taps him on the shoulder, the Policeman turns around.) Wasn’t this meant to be blown up? (The Doctor points at the TARDIS.)
P: It was, but some idiot stole the bomb and so we need a new one.
R: How long is that going to take?
P: Hours, days, weeks, who knows? These bombs take ages to get, and that fool that stole one is probably a terrorist about to blow up some building.
D: Which building?
P: The best shop ever. (Pause.) Joe’s doughnut shop on elm tree road.
D: I know who took your bomb.
P: No you don’t. (He turns back round, then quickly turns back.) Who?
D: Owen, Owen Harper from Torchwood.
P: We can’t go against Torchwood.
D: The Cardiff Torchwood.
P: (He becomes angry.) I’ll tell the boss. (He walks off into the crowd of policemen.)
R: (Whispering to The Doctor.) What’s going to happen?

(A roar is heard from the policemen in the centre of the crowd, then all of the policemen run off, leaving The Doctor, Rose, and the chained TARDIS.)

Scene 5

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, and Fireman 1 and 2.

(Captain Jack are Gwen are in Yvonne’s front room.)

CJ: Are we going upstairs or not?
G: Only if we can steal something.
CJ: That’s why I wanted to go upstairs in the first place.
G: That’s okay then. Let’s go.

(Captain Jack and Gwen go into Yvonne’s bedroom.)

CJ: I wonder what we are going to find in here.
G: I can’t wait to see. (She opens Yvonne’s wardrobe and begins looking through.)
CJ: What are you doing?
G: I was going shopping today, and because I can’t now, I’m doing a little bit of shopping in Yvonne’s wardrobe. I need some new clothes for our date tonight.
CJ: Yes, you do. All this talk about clothes has made me thirsty. I’ll make us some drinks. (He runs down the stairs into Yvonne’s kitchen where he looks at the potatoes.) That’s another style choice I wouldn’t have had. (He kicks some of the potatoes out of the way so he can get to a cupboard, he opens the cupboard and there are ten bottles, each one a different colour and a label on it, Captain Jack reaches in, takes one out and reads the label.) Potato juice, no thank you. (He puts it down and takes out another one to read.) Eau de potato, also a rubbish flavoured drink. (He puts it down and takes out another.) Poison á la poison. I don’t understand German so I don’t have a clue what this one means. I’ll ask Gwen, she studied Chemistry.

(Gwen comes into the kitchen with six shopping bags fall of clothes, each one has the word MORRISONS written on it.)

G: I’m ready when you are.
CJ: We will leave once I’ve had a drink, Gwen, you’re good at Catering, what does Poison á la poison mean?
G: I’m no good at Latin, I don’t have a clue.

(Suddenly Fireman 1 and 2 run into the kitchen.)

F1: Where’s the fire?
G: There isn’t a fire.
F2: Are you sure mam?
CJ: She’s right, there is no fire, but while you’re here Mr policeman sir, can you tell me what Poison á la poison means?
F1: Sir, do you know it is a criminal offence to lie to an emergency service?
CJ: I’m not lying, that’s what it says on the bottle. (He shows Fireman 1 the Poison á la poison bottle.)
F2: That’s it, off to prison for you two.

(Fireman 1 grabs Captain Jack, he drops the bottle and is carried away, Fireman 2 grabs Gwen, she drops her shopping bags and is carried away.)

Scene 6

Characters: The Doctor, and Rose.

(The Doctor and Rose are standing by the chained TARDIS.)

R: Well, the police are gone, how are you going to get inside the TARDIS with all these chains on it?
D: You’re forgetting something.
R: Ooh, don’t tell me, erm, you have a chainsaw in your pocket.
D: Close enough. (He takes the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and waves it.) Sonic screwdriver.
R: I was so close.
D: (He points the sonic screwdriver at the chains, the sonic screwdriver beeps and the chains burst.) Shall we? (He walks inside the TARDIS.)
R: Wait for me. (She follows him inside.)
D: Where shall we go? (He walks around the main control centre.) Nothing seems to be damaged, I’ll be surprised if they even came inside.
R: Why would they blow it up if they didn’t know what was inside?
D: I don’t know. What do you think I am, a doctor or something?
R: I mean this is only an old phone box, why wouldn’t they put it in a museum?
D: Shall we find out?
R: How are we going to do that?
D: Let’s pay Harriet Jones a visit.

(He switches some buttons, pulls levers, and presses flashing lights and the engines sound as the TARDIS disappears and re-appears in a posh waiting room, people are walking around until they see the TARDIS and they run over to it.)

D: I hope we didn’t attract attention. (He walks to the TARDIS doors.)
R: No, I bet we didn’t. (She follows him to the door.)
D: (Opens the door for Rose.) Ladies first.
R: (Walks out.) Why thank you.

(The Doctor and Rose walk into the waiting room and a crowd of people surround the TARDIS.)

D: Oh hello, we’ve come for the…the…
R: Magic show.
D: Yes, the magic show. (He taps the TARDIS.) With magic I can make this box appear and disappear before people’s eyes.
R: Wasn’t it the best trick ever?

(The people all clap.)

D: Stop your clapping.

(The people stop clapping.)

D: We are here to put on a magic show for the Prime Minister because it’s…it’s…
R: Her birthday.

(The people clap once again.)

D: Okay, thank you, bye. (He waves as he walks into the TARDIS.)
R: Thank you! Thank you! We’re here until Tuesday. (She walks into the TARDIS and closes the doors.)

(The TARDIS engines sound again and it disappears from the waiting room and re-appears in a corridor, the people get back on with their lives as though it never happened.)

D: Here we are.
R: Do you think it really is Harriet’s birthday?
D: I doubt that.

(They walk out into the posh corridor, it ends at a wooden door, on the door is a sign reading “Happy Birthday Prime Minister.”)

R: I guess it is her birthday.
D: It must be, let’s go in. (He walks to the door and opens it.)

Scene 7

Characters: Owen, Policeman 1 and 2, and Doctor 1 and 2.

(Owen is on a hospital bed with plasters budging his crotch out to about 20cm, Doctor 1(male) comes over to him.)

D1: How are you Mr Harper?
O: I’m fine now, what actually happened in the operation?
D1: Well, we shaved off all of your pubic hair, and implanted a pain receiving device into the bottom of your penis.
O: What for?
D1: So it will never hurt again.
O: That sounds a little useful. (He whispers.) Is there any scaring?
D1: (In a very loud voice so everybody can hear.) No Mr Harper, there is no scaring to your penis!

(Some people walk pass and laugh loudly.)

O: (Angry) Why did you say that so loudly?
D1: (Just as loud as before.) I didn’t speak about your penis very highly!

(Some more people come past and laugh.)

O: (Very angry.) Be quiet doctor, or I’ll have you fired.
D1: (Still loudly.) No, I’m sorry, you can’t get me fired over the size of your penis!

(Loads of people laugh and a crowd has collected around Owen and Doctor 1.)

O: (Pulls Doctor 1 close to him and whispers in an angry voice.) Stop it or I’ll complain to management.
D1: (Steps back, disgusted, and says in a loud voice.) No Mr Harper! I don’t want gay sex with you in an operating theatre.
O: (Pulls Doctor 1 back and whispers angrily.) I’ll have you killed if this goes on.
D1: (Steps back again, disgusted.) No way! I’m still not having sex with you, even if you use a syringe.

(The crowd laughs and Doctor 2(male) comes through the crowd and stands next to Doctor 1.)

D2: Is there a problem?
O: Yes, this doctor thinks I want to have sex with him and a syringe.
D2: Well, do you?
O: Of course not?
D2: Well that’s good. (He holds Doctor 1’s arm.) Because he is my boyfriend.

(The crowd of policemen come through the door and see Owen.)

P1: (Points at Owen.) There he is, get him!
P2: Charge!

(The policemen run towards Owen.)

Scene 8

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Harriet Jones, and Margaret Blaine.

(The Doctor and Rose walk into the office, no on is there, they look around.)

D: I wonder where Harriet Jones is?
R: I don’t know.
D: I’ll look in her desk. (He walks over to her desk and sits in the chair.) I feel so powerful.
R: What’s in her drawers?
D: Which ones?
R: The drawers in her desk, I’m not talking about her underwear.
D: Let me look. (He opens the top drawer and removes a piece of paper, he reads it.) Date, nineteenth January two thousand and seven, the coal mine will regain power tomorrow after a stop of six months. (He throws the paper on the floor.)

(Suddenly, the office door opens and Harriet Jones runs in with her clothes all ripped. She slams the door and runs over to hew desk.)
H: Who are you?
D: We just want a few questions answered.
H: You’re going to have to wait.
R: Why, is the man that ripped your clothes off in a raping attempt more important?
H: I wish it was a man.
D: Who is it?

(The door suddenly opens and Margaret Blaine walks in, her left arm one green, slitheen claw.)

_________________
"I'm Gay And I Wear A Pink TuTu"

Episode 5 : Several Slitheen

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Harriet Jones, and Margaret Blaine.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet Jones are all behind the desk as Margaret Blaine is at the door with her left hand as a Slitheen claw.)

H: Help me!
D: You’re the Prime Minister, you’re the one with the important briefcase, can’t you help us?
H: No, I don’t have the important briefcase.
D: Well, who does then?
M: (Holding up a red briefcase in her right hand.) I have the briefcase.
R: Oh my God, she has the important briefcase with the important papers, England is lost.(She panics and runs around in circles.)
M: I know, with this briefcase I can control England and take all of its money for my family.
D: What do you want money for? You’re an alien, don’t you want to blow up the Earth, or eat everybody? By the size of your belly I guess you would want to eat everybody.
M: No, it’s almost my brother’s birthday and I need to get him something special, I think a coalmine in the Horsehead Nebula will do him fine. And now that I’ve got the briefcase I can do anything. (She waves the briefcase around and it opens, a sandwich, apple, orange, can of coke, chocolate bar and bag of crisps fall out onto the floor.) What?! Where are the important papers?
H: You’ve got the wrong briefcase, that is my lunch briefcase.
M: (Drops the empty briefcase and shows her claw.) So where is the important briefcase?
H: I’ll give it to you, just don’t use your claw. (She bends down and from underneath the desk she pulls a purple briefcase.) Here it is. (She throws it at Margaret, Margaret catches it.)
M: Why thank you, now I’ve got the briefcase of power I can control England. And Harriet, I am going to kill you. (She waves her claw around.)
R: You are so stupid, everybody knows you don’t give them the briefcase. (To the Doctor.) This Harriet Jones is a right moron.
D: You’re telling me. Even the Moxx of Balhoon, the Prime Minister of Earth in sixty-six-slash-one-thousand-slash-chocolate chip cookie-slash-six point two wasn’t that stupid and he was blind for that year.
M: And now to look at the important papers. (She opens the briefcase and it explodes, she also explodes and melts to a green pool of slime all over the food.)
H: Now my lunch is ruined.
R: I thought that briefcase had all of the important papers in it?
H: No, that was the bomb briefcase, the real important case is secret.
D: Where is it?
H: In my top drawer. (She taps the top drawer of her desk.) Here.
R: Wow, blowing things up, even the Doctor can’t do that.
D: Yes I can, my sonic screwdriver can do anything. I just haven’t uploaded that function into it off the Torchwood Online catalogue yet.
H: Did you say Torchwood Online Catalogue?
D: Yes, it’s a great website to get all the new sonic screwdriver upgrades from.
H: I hate it, that catalogue is selling every piece of alien technology we’ve ever found, soon, everybody will be able to do anything. I need it shut down for good, gotten rid of from existents.
D: Where don’t you ask the police, can’t they help you stop it?
H: No, Torchwood made a law stating I can’t touch anything they wish to do.
R: What law would this be then?
H: Law six-point-two-slash-pencil-slash-six-slash-bar-slash-sixteen.
D: What Torchwood are you talking about?
H: All of them. Every Torchwood has a part in the Torchwood Online Catalogue, that’s how they can deliver the items very quickly and to every part of the world.
D: I can stop Torchwood for you. As long as you let me keep my TARDIS and all my alien technology.
H: Of course. Mr…Mr…what’s your name?
D: Just the Doctor, and this is my companion, Rose Tyler.
R: Doctor, we can’t stop Torchwood today, wait until tomorrow.
D: Why?
R: Our date is in two hours, and I’ve got to get ready.
D: Two hours! (He is surprised.)
R: I know, what cheek? I did want three but you were to busy saving Harriet Jones, is she more important to you?

Scene 2

Characters: Bilis Manger, Receptionist, and Mrs Peace.

(Bilis Manger is in a waiting room, people are walking around and a Receptionist is at her desk, Bilis walks over to her.)

B: Excuse me, but can I see my daughter, she’s out of theatre now?
R: Do you mind?
B: Do I mind what? If it’s about the time I’ve been waiting, then yes, yes I do mind.
R: No, I don’t care about the time you’ve been waiting, I want to know if you mind that I’m on my tea break?
B: Sorry, when will you be off your tea break?
R: I don’t know, about two minutes.
B: Okay, I’ll be back then.

(Bilis sits down on his chair as the Receptionist types into her computer.)

R: Wow! Wow! I need one! Ooh! Ooh! Wow! Even Lucy hasn’t got none! Yes!
B: (Calling over to her.) What’s that?!
R: (Calls over to Bilis.) None of your business old man!
B: (Still calling.) I take offence to that!
R: (Calling to him as she types into her computer.) Make all complaints to Reception.

(Bilis walks back over to the Receptionist.)

B: I have a complaint to make.
R: Do you mind?
B: What?!
R: I’m still on my tea break, go away.

(Bilis goes back to his seat and sits back down.)

R: Okay, everybody, I’m off my tea break!

(A crowd of people run and push past each other to get to the Receptionist, Mrs Peace is at the front of the line.)

P: Can I see my son, Mr Redpath his name is?
R: Do you mind?
P: What? You’re off your tea break.
R: I know, I’m now on my coffee break. Go away everyone!

(Everyone goes back to their seats and sits down, as Mrs Peace walks off she holds her chest.)

P: I’m having a heart attack, help me, quick help me!
R: Sorry, you are going to have to wait, I’m still on my break.
P: Good bye world. (She screams and is still, dead.)
R: Be quiet, I’m on my break!

(Bilis walks back up to the Receptionist.)

B: Am I ever gong to be served?
R: You are getting very annoying.
B: So are you, but you don’t see me complaining.
R: You did earlier, wanted to put in a complaint you did.
B: Serve me or else.
R: I’ll serve you a dinner plate.
B: What?!
R: A dinner plate. (She shows that she has a china dinner plate in her hand, she smashes it over Bilis’s head, he falls to the floor with a cut in his head.)

Scene 3

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Doctor 1, and Joseph Green.

(Yvonne is in a hospital bed with tubes connecting her to machines, Doctor 1 is beside her.)

D1: The operation was a success, your heart is fine again, but stay off the potatoes and cakes for a while and you should be fine.
Y: Okay, because I can’t have potatoes anymore, could you take my handbag please?
D1: Why, what is in it? (He bends over and picks up a small bag with “Torchwood” written on it.) Can I open it?
Y: Yes, of course, but be careful, there isn’t much room in this hospital ward.
D1: I’m sure there isn’t that much in here. (He opens the bag and potatoes fly out for at least thirty seconds, they fly everywhere and coat the floor of the hospital ward and the beds, Yvonne is still visible.) Why have you got so many potatoes in such a small bag?
Y: It’s a TARDIS handbag, from the Torchwood Online Catalogue, it’s bigger on the inside. And it’s still not empty, in the right corner there are some left. I’ll get them out for you. (She pokes the right corner of the bag and more potatoes fly out, the stacks are as high as Doctor 1’s knees and Yvonne’s face is the only part of her that can be seen because of the potatoes all over her bed.)
D1: Is that all of them miss? Or does your magic bag contain more potatoes?
Y: Well, there are a few left in the left corner, shall I get rid of them? (She goes to touch the bag, but Doctor 1 quickly pulls it away.)
D1: No thank you! There are enough potatoes here to flood Buckingham Palace. (He storms off through the potatoes.)
Y: I wonder what his problem is?

(Joseph Green ‘walks’ through the potatoes and over to Yvonne.)

J: Hello, are you Miss Hartman?
Y: Yes I am. Are you here about the mess of potatoes because they aren’t mine, they’re the Doctor’s.
J: Very good. (He farts.) I’ll be back soon. (He farts again, and walks off, the camera follows him as he walks in the toilet and into one of the cubicles, he locks it and a blue, flashing light can be seen through the gap between the door and the frame around it.)

Scene 4

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, Assistant Commissioner Strickland, and Adeola.

(Captain Jack and Gwen are in a prison cell.)

CJ: I don’t believe this. Us. We’re Torchwood, we’re above the police, and we can still be arrested, what cheek.
G: Complete cheek, I lost all of my shopping because of them firemen, those clothes cost loads.
CJ: But you didn’t pay for them.
G: I know, they must have cost Yvonne loads, I don’t have any nice clothes to put on at our date now.
CJ: We may not even be going on that date if we’re still in here. Unless you want to count this as a date?
G: No, I think this is more of a meeting, mostly because I’m not wearing any new, nice clothes.
CJ: Is a meeting almost a date?
G: It’s six one hundred and twentieths of a date actually, didn’t you take physics for GCSE?
CJ: That’s okay, only nineteen more trips to prison and we’ve been on a date.
G: If we’re here any longer I’ll count that as enough meetings to equal a date.
CJ: But, I would much prefer to go to McDonald’s and eat there, I’ve heard they do a new mega McBurger.
G: I love McDonald’s, I was looking forward to getting a MegaMcChickenSuperGigaBurgerWithMegaOnionsAndLettuce meal.
CJ: (Walks over to the prison bars.) Can someone help us?

(Assistant Commissioner Strickland walks over to the prison bars.)

S: Is there a problem sir?
CJ: Yes, I’m the head of Torchwood, get me out of here right away.
S: Of course sir, I had no idea you ran Torchwood. (He gets out a set of keys and goes to undo the lock, but then he looks at Captain Jack.) What Torchwood are you head of?
CJ: The Cardiff one.
S: (Putting the keys back into his pocket.) Okay then, I’ll sort this out in my office.
CJ: Well hurry up, I’ve got to be out of here for a hot date at eight o’clock.
S: I’ll be as quick as I can be sir.

(Assistant Commissioner Strickland walks off and the camera follows him as he goes into an office with a sign on the door saying “Big Fat Boss”, he looks around his office.)

S: Victory should be naked. (He puts his hands to his head.)

(The camera now shows that Adeola is in the office.)

A: I don’t want to see you naked at work, I thought you were coming round mine tonight for that sort of thing, don’t worry now. (She walks out, completely discussed.)

(The camera stays on Adeola and as she walks out she leaves the door open a little and a blue, flashing light can be seen through the gap.)

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Harriet Jones, Indra Ganesh, and General Asquith.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet Jones are in in the Prime Minister’s office.)

R: Are we going then Doctor? I need to do my hair, my eyelashes, and my lips, my make-up takes hours and hours if I do it right.
D: Well, you’ve only got two hours, so don’t do it completely right, just so you look a little better than you do now.
H: Bye then, come back soon. Next time you come, phone ahead and I’ll have some tea and scones ready.

(The door opens and Indra Ganesh walks in.)

I: Prime Minister, General Asquith is here to see you.
H: Good, sent him in, Doctor, won’t you stay for this meeting, it’s about the Torchwood Online Catalogue? It’s the nineteenth meeting so you’ve missed quite a bit.
D: Yes, go on then, I’ll stay for one little meeting. How long do they take?
H: No very long, only about four hours each.
R: But we haven’t got time, I need my make-up.
D: Go into the TARDIS, there’s some in there.
R: Where abouts , it’s huge in there?
D: Okay, into the main control room, take the left door, down the corridor, just past the box of pornography magazines, take the door on the right marked ruler storage, then through that room, an into the room called freezer supplies, down the corridor and you’ll end up in a room marked deadly room of aliens that have been locked away because they are so deadly, and in that room on the top shelf underneath the freezer you’ll find a box of make-up, Sarah Jane Smith left it behind.
R: Okay, I can remember that. But I couldn’t right it all on my hand quick enough so I missed bits out.
D: Okay, which bits?
R: The directions, and what the rooms were marked.
D: Oh, so no important details then, that’s alright.
R: I’ll be back later. (She runs off out the door and the camera follows her as General Asquith is walking along, he goes into the Prime Minister’s office.)
A: Hello Harriet, ooh, alteration, wow, how funny. (He laughs and then farts.) Sorry, excuse me, I had a curry for breakfast.
H: Can you leave us please Indra, and fetch us some tea and scones will you?
I: Of course Prime Minister. (He leaves the room.)
A: (Farts.) Sorry again, can I just borrow your W.C?
H: Of course, the toilet is where it always is.
D: (To himself.) Oh, W.C is a toilet, not West Cardiff like I always believed.

(The camera follows General Asquith as he enters the toilet and the blue, flashing lights can be seen between the door and the door frame.)

Scene 6

Characters: Rose.

(Rose is in the TARDIS main control room.)

R: Now, what did the Doctor say, oh, I can’t remember, I’ll use my old trick, I’ll guess, well, that tactic did get me a D in maths, much better than that pregnant teacher, so, I’ll go right. (She goes through a right door into a corridor.) Now where, I’ll just keep walking forward. (She walks forward.) Now, I should see a waste bin, or something like that down here. (She walks up to a wooden crate.) This must be it. Now, what’s inside? (She looks inside and pulls out a hand full of lollipops.) Well, I must be on the right path, lollipops never lie. (She carries on walking down the corridor.) There should be a door here somewhere. (The corridor ends in a door.) I must walk through this door. (She walks through the door.) Now, I must keep going until I see a black bag full of curtains, or something along them lines. (She walks down the corridor.) There should be a door soon marked Woolworths. Now, where is it? (She walks along and stops by a bag full of walking sticks.) Wow, these could be useful. (She takes one.) Now, what would I use it for? (She pokes it up her skirt and keeps pumping it up and down.) Oh yes, yes, this is great, yes. (She stops.) Wow, that is great at scratching legs, I’ll keep it. (She puts it in her left hand and walks along with it, the corridor ends in a room marked “Daleks-Never Open This Door- No Don’t- I Mean It!”) Wow, this must be where the make-up is. (Rose opens the door.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

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"I'm Gay And I Wear A Pink TuTu"