The new prince of persia

god · The new prince of persia

Character descrpitions first:
Prince: Agile, never shuts up, shy
Farah: Quick, keeps falling over, good acuracy
Kaileena: Blonde, smart, arragont
Vizzer: slow, old, grumpy
Dahaka: strong, clumsy, logical

Chapter 1: The end of the road
Scene 1 Characters : Prince, Farah, Vizzer
Vizzer's tent (present)
F: what should I do now?
V: Go left!
P: Go right!(the battery on Farah's DS runs out)
F: I was just about to save it ( she frowns)
V: Lousy new fangled....
F: What did you say?!
V: Nothing...
F: (she grabs his walking stick and hits him around the head with it) Take that you bastard!
V: ow! Now I have a headache (he falls forward into Farah's breasts)
F: Ew! ( she pulls V's head out , asleep and snoring) Gross! I just had them enlarged... Thats it now he's gonna pay!!
P: I think it's a bit hard at the minuite (F turns towards him) Not like that!! I meant just steal his wallet. (F pulls out a fluffy pink wallet and steals all the money and credit cards, she then replaces it back into V's pocket) How much has he got?
F: Three pounds fifity
P: it's the wrong currency
F: Lets go
P:what about?
F: just leave him (whispers) Ugly bastard. ( she leaves with P.)
V (Stirs slightly) Mmmm... Farah....

Scene 2: Characters: Kaileena, Shadee, crow master
throne room (past)
K: Ugh, so bored
S: maybe if we... played Monopoly?
K: God no, he wins all the time (she points at C)
C: I can't help i if I'm the best at Monopoly
S: you win at: Monopoly, Cluedo, Twister, Sudoko and even bloody uiversity challenge!
C: I'm just lucky ( he gets up to leave)
K: Sit!! ( he sits back down) We will beat him!
S: (pulls out a knife and fork) grilled or boiled?
K: what do you mean? ( she looks quizical)
S: you did say that we would eat him, didn't you?
C: (gulps) er maybe I should go ( he gets up again)
K: SIT DOWN!! (C drops to the floor) great thanks, now I'm hungry, whats for dinner?
S: dunno, crow?
K: nah, skins to tough( C sighs with relief)
C: how about a fish supper served with chopped coriander and lemon slices along with poatoes with melted cheddar cheese and gooseberry crumble with toffe sauce for dessert?
K (stoumach growls) mmm... crumble (she drools on S, who screams in pain upon contact with water and explodes and dies)
C: how sad... ( he leaves quietly)
K: fish... ( she looks around) huh where did Shadee go? and that bird brain I didn't say he could leave!! ( she gets up) Maybe it should be crow for dinner ( she gives chase with S knife and fork).

Scene 3: characters: Farah, Prince, Kaileena, Dahaka
island beach (present)
F: who the hell crashes a boat into a lighthouse?!
P: It was so pretty
F: how was it so pretty?
P: so... bright
F:Bloody hell...( she climbs on his shoulders and reaches a ledge and helps P up) look over there ( she runs into an alcove and touches a diamond and a gate crashes behind her) I spend most of my life with that happening to me.
P: ( grabs a lever and lets F out) There that was easy.
D: (appears) ?snotcerid em evig uoy naC ( Translation: I'm lost )
P: I can't understand you.
D: (punches him) !toidI ( Translation: Then listen! )
P: Ow my jaw ( there is blood pouring from is nose). I mean, Ow my nose (whispers) yes thats better.
F: Run! (she grabs P and runs through the fortress until she reaches a locked door and she looks at the table next to it, on the table there is: a bottle of water, a water sword, a grenade, a knife and a bannana. Panicing F grabs the tabe and runs) AHHH!! ( she runs to a antichamber with two signs, safety and doom. F runs down the corridor marked doom) hurry!!
D: !!akahad eht epacse ton lliw uoy( Translation: you won't escape )
F:(Dives through a water curtain) thank god! ( she sees D leaving. she looks at P who's face is buried in her Breasts) I am seriously gonna deflate if this keeps happening. ( she reaises she is still holding the table leg) ah well ( she takes P's wallet).

god

Scene 4
Portal room 1 (present/ past) Characters Prince, Farah, Kaileena, crow master
F: Now what?
P: (wakes up) the monkey has my wallet...
F: What!( she hits him with the one legged end table) How dare you!
P: Maharajah must die (F hits him again) Ok now i'm awake.
F: good I made a discovery.
P:what?( he sits up) wheres my wallet?
F: oh here it is ( she gives it to him) theres no money left i'm afraid, that monster must have er, stole it . ( she walks to the edge to an active portal) quickly!
P:to where?
F: the past of course!( she drags him to it, her breats are now nearly completley flat) Drat! I'll have them enlarged when we go home...
P:It's gonna get harder as we go i'm afraid(F hits him with the table again and they travel into the past.)
in the past
C: ahhhhhh!( He splits into several crows and each one flies away from a drooling, drunken and delirious K)
K: sooo hungry! ( she wipes crow poo out of her hair) Hunters! ( 3 hunters appear)
kill the crows !
H1: yes ma'm
H2: yes ma'm
H3: ma'm yes, i mean yes man, no i mean yes ma'm (whispers) yes got it at last!
( the 3 hunters throw spears at the crows when F and P enter)
P: wow this is a big place
F: ew, i have bird crap in my hair (she gels her hair up with it making her look like a porcupine with a bad hairdoo) thats better.
K: kill them, kill them all!
F: wait!! ( C reforms behind her) this isnt exactly fair!( she swaps weapons around: Kaileena has the table, Farah has the sword, the Prince has 3 spears and the hunters have 1 crossbow between them.) thats better carry on ( K hits C with the table )
K: die!!
C this is gonna be a long scene... so just end it there...

god

Scene 5
Fortress entrance (past).Characters: Farah, Prince, Kaileena, crow master
K: Take this! ( she hits F with the table and damages her breast plate)
F: that red breast plate cost me 5 thousand euros! your paying for it!
K: Ok ( she pulls a 5 thousand euro note out of her pocket) there
F: thanks ( she pulls a cord and the dent vanishes) easy money...
C: erm where were we?
K: I remember! ( she smashes the table over F's head. The Table doesn't break) lousy furniture.
P:(he thorws the spears at K, she dies) Ha! ( the hunters turn to dust) wait he has my crossbow!
F die you!( she keeps slashing at K's dead body) DIE!,DIE!,DIE!
C: I think she's dead( he leaves)
F: good ( she picks up her table) lets go
P: fine( he takes his sword)
F: oooh pretty ( she runs off to something in the distance and a door shuts behind her) help!
P:all the luck in the world that girl has ( he is surrounded by enemies)

god

Scene 6 (IGNORE THIS SCENE)
Fortress entrance ( past) characters: Prince, Shadee, head raider, raiders 1-3
P: oh dear this is bad.
HR: Kill him! ( he attacks, waiving a walking stick over his head, before falling over)
P: ( the raiders are moving in very slowly) even a hundred year old grandma isnt this slow.
S: your right ( she jumps of a ledge and catches her black dress on a pole) Oh! you perverts!( the raiders are now focusing on S, while P forces the door open)
P: (the door opens) at last ( he is in a courtyard) Oh where am I now.
S: you shall never leave our shores alive! ( she is slowly coming down a ladder with a broken leg) I have never been so slow! ( she falls off as a blade pole comes down) Oh crap! ( she vanishes).
P: wow that was fun now i must find Farah ( he exits as a dead Kaileena explodes into sand.)

god

Scene 6
Fortress entrance ( past) characters: Prince, Shadee, head raider, raiders 1-3
P: oh dear this is bad.
HR: Kill him! ( he attacks, waiving a walking stick over his head, before falling over)
P: ( the raiders are moving in very slowly) even a hundred year old grandma isnt this slow.
S: your right ( she jumps of a ledge and catches her black dress on a pole) Oh! you perverts!( the raiders are now focusing on S, while P forces the door open)
P: (the door opens) at last ( he is in a courtyard) Oh where am I now.
S: you shall never leave our shores alive! ( she is slowly coming down a ladder with a broken leg) I have never been so slow! ( she falls off as a blade pole comes down) Oh crap! ( she vanishes).
P: wow that was fun now i must find Farah ( he exits as a dead Kaileena explodes into sand.)
end of chapter 1

god

Chapter 2 : Mad futuristic things on the island

Scene 1 hourglass chamber( past) Characters: Farah, Shadee, Crow master

F: (enters as a massive door shuts behind her) Not again ( she brandishes her table)
C: Wait! (he picks a banana off a bon bon tree) whats that doing here?
F: You shut up! (Her table glows)haaa! (she swigs it at S,breaking her other leg)
S: Stupid girl! Now I need a wheelchair (she leaves, dragging herslf along and getting her high heels caught in the door)Drat!
C:have fun! (he peels the banana and starts to eat it)
F

k (she runs after her)
C: (through mouthful of banana) Have fun at the party...What a nice kid, I hope she dies, she really deserves it... (swallows and chokes on the banana) help I need surgery!
S: (returns in a wheelchair, with a rusty scalpel) I still want crow!
C: Oh , no not you!( he leaves. S chases him with the scalpel)

god

scene 2: Garden courtyard (past) Characters: Farah, Prince, Dahaka, Yvonne Hartman.

P: I wonder where Farah is? Farah! where are you? ( he falls of a ledge and ontop of F) oh there you are
F: get off!! ( she shoves him off)
P: what a lovely way of meeting you here Farah
F: Don't you use the words 'love' and 'Farah' in the same sentence you idiot.
P: aww but yoy know I can't resist you...
F: erm ok ( she goes to kiss him) What is that thing? ( she looks at a pink TARDIS perched on the top the garden tower spire) Oh no!
BD: Hello
F: (jumps) where the bloody hell did you come from?!
P: (jumps) What she said.
BD: I am here to kill you (whispers) and hell is not bloody.
P: this is not good ( the pink TARDIS falls off the spire and lands on top of BD killing her, the doors open and a pink fluffy interior is seen as Yvonne Hartman walks out) who the hell are you?
Y: didn't you read that last explanation? Anyway sorry I forgot to put the hand brake on.
D: (enters) ecnabrutsid a tlef I ( translation: somethings wrong D stares at Y) huh?
Y:who are you???
D: (whispers out of character) I felt someting was wrong, infact I'm not even supposed to be in this scene, the writer threw me in for a sense of anti-climax .
Y( whispers back) ooh that explains it
D: (clears throat) eyB (he leaves)
Y: strange person. (pulls out a tea tray) tea anyone?

god

Scene 3 Garden Terrace (past) characters: Farah, Prince, Yvonne Hatman, Kaileena.
Y:... and I was saying (in posh voice) Darling you can't possibly point that thing at me, it's too small. (F is looking sleepy and P has fallen asleep on the table.) Thats when I pulled out by sharp high heels and stabbbed him in his foot.
F: (whispers to P) god she is boring.
P: (mumbles) tell me about it.
Y: I can't possibly tell you anymore about it. I put it in as muh detail as possible. Now are you sre you don't want any cakes? (she waves a plate of potato cakes around.)
F: ooo god if she asks one more time I'm gonna throw her over the edge ( the terrace cracks and the table and plates fall over the edge) Good luck that was.
Y: well, no cakes for us then. Anyone want a cookie? (F throws Y over the edge and down onto the piers) Hellllllp!(she lands on K) Who are you?
K: the empress of time.
Y: yeah and I'm the queen of France.
K: (shakes her hand) Nice to meet you Queen of some far away land.
Y: I'm leader of torchwood and i am taking your island
K: what for?
Y: we could learn time travel from you and your people and it would be a great tragedy if you... (K falls asleep) Wake up!!( she kicks K) If it's alien its ours!
K: you can't take my island! Not without a good reason (she pulls out a crossbow)
Y: (pulls out a pink sonic screwdriver) how about now?
K: (loading crossbow) not good enough, no smoking on this island.
Y: er how much do you want?
K: 5,000,000,000,000/apple/cookie\thyme@hotmail.co.uk/£8.67 Euros
Y: cash or check.
K: fish... (she drools on Y pink notebook.)
Y: hey this cost me 50 euros
P (back on the garden terrace) What are they talking about?
F: dunno, I thought you killed her?
P: I did.( Y and K are still agreeing a price)

god

Scene 4 Main hall (past) Characters: Blade dancers 1-3, Crow master, Shadee

S:come back! (she goes very slowly in her wheelchair) God this is even slower (she regenerates and grows a pink wig) this isn't right!( she tries again and grows a bigger nose) oh god...
C: she is looking fabulous (S has grown a third leg) oh dear this is bad ( she is 'hopping' towards him.) very bad.( blade dancers surround him.)
BD1: Kill him!
BD2: Kill him!
BD3: (snores) zzzzz.... daggers (falls over) mmm... whisky
S: (regenerates and grows an elephants trunk) this is so not working (she falls forwards)
C: good this is better (all the BD and S are on the floor trapped under S massive trunk) time for a rest ( he falls asleep)
BD1: Kill the intruder ( she smiles) theres so much pleasure in pain!
BD2: Pain is pleasurable (smiles) surely
BD3 : those were my lines!
C: ok, ok don't call me shirley! ( he wakes up and runs off)
BD1: drat!
BD2: Damn!
BD3: erm.. I can't think of anything.
S: get up and KILL HIM!!
BD3: we can't. we have had too much to drink
BD1: So were gonna have a little sleep now
BD2: so we don't have a hangover for tommorows very important visitor.
S: and what about the intruders?
BD1-3: (snores) tommorow!
S: (climbs in the wheelchair) fine i'll get him myself!! (she zooms off and gets stuck in a pothole) Blasted potholes!

god

Scene 5: Mechanical tower (past/Present) Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Farah, Dahaka, Kaileena.

Y: so let me get this straight your willing to sell me the island for: twelve silver baubles, eleven watering cans, ten posh necklaces, nine acres of rainforest, eight miles of silk, seven sonic screwdrivers, six pink TARDIS's, five wii consoles, four roasted chickens, three peach trees, two mocking women and a wonky old stool with a crack.
K: yeah, thats about it.
Y: ok! we have a deal (she opens her laptop)
K: i'll take that too.
Y: fine but I get 10 of your finest soilders.
K : fine... (whispers) she doesn't suspect a thing.
F: (enters standing on a giant cog like a escalator) well this is quicker. (she falls off) ow my nose. (she stands up brandishing a bow and arrow) nobody move!
Y: Can I scratch my nose its itching ( she wobbles slightly)
F: I said don't move ( she launches an arrow at Y cutting at her nose)
Y: Ah thats better (blood runs into her mouth and she falls over and one of F's arrows strikes her in the butt) oh yeah right there, thats the spot ( she now has several arrows in her butt)
K: what should I order? ( she is on the Toorchwood online catalog and browsing whilst racking up a huge 11 digit electricity bill for Y)
D: (enters sneaking up behind F making floor tiles shake)
F: Hello
D: (jumps and bashes his head on the ceiling) !wO( he falls off the platform they are on and falls into the mechanical pit) Noooooo!
F: lets go (she grabs unconcious Y and head to the present)

god

Scene 6: Mechanical Pit (present) Characters: prince, Dahaka, Crow master.

C: Get off me!! (P has fallen on top of C with his Left foot sticking in C's right ear)
P: I said this wasn't a good place to play twister! Now untangle me!
C: I can't (his right arm is caught behind P's right leg) I'm stuck!! ( he gets up on One hand and slips on the twister mat and falls back down dislocating his arm) Ow!
P: (listens) whats that? (D is falling towards them) Oh Crap move! (he untangles himself and runs)
C: whats the rush? (D lands on him crushing him into the ground) Ow that hurt! Get off me you useless lump!
P: told you to move
D

clutching his head) headache MAJOR headache!!
C: yeah well now we know! (unsucessfully tries to push D off him) GET OFF!!!
D: huh!? (he stands up and steps on C's broken arm) oh god I just trod in something awful!

god

Scene 7: armory room (present) characters: Yvonne Hartman, Farah, executioners1-2

Y: I can't go yet I still have to pay for the island (F shoves her into a coloum) what are you doing get off me you lesbian!
F: How dare you! (she slaps her) Lesbian!
Y: Did you just hit me?! (she slaps F) Lesbian!
F: (gets into a slapping fight were the word lesbian and hit is repeated constantly) Lesbian!! ok this is getting no were fast.
Y: Les... Your right, but do you seriously need to kiss me and have your hand up my dress??
F: I'm not I thought you were doing that to me...
E1: Now I know why she was wearing such a short dress...
E2: you're right. (E1 is kissing F and E2 is kissing yvonne)
F: Oh god!
Y: you have just noticed? (she is climbing up the coloum with F to get away from the sex addicted Executioners)
F: I didn't know they were there! (she grabs a random weapon off the wall and smacks a hole in the wall) yes this will do (she climbs through a crack in the wall) thats better.
Y: Wait for me!! (she climbs through and gets stuck halfway with her head poking out the side of the fortress where F is standing on a ledge while her dress is being torn apart by the 2 executioners) ow!!

god

Scene 8: Kaileena's posh balcony (Past) Characters: Farah, Yvonne.

Y: (Flicking through the TV mag) there's nothing on... Suprise, suprise.
F: (flicking through channels) nothing... OH! DIY SOS!!... no its too early for them to do something amazing with a paintbrush...
Y:(Yawns and jumps suddenly) Quick Channel 3!
F

turns over the channel on Kaileena's massive plasma screen TV) what?
Y: Eastenders! This is the episode i'm in and I get drunk and sell half of our stock of UFO's to Peggy!!
F: sure...(continues flicking through the channels and stops) oh! look!
Y: what??.... (gasps) oh look!
F: I know... look at that!
y: I know... look at that!(on the Tv is an episode of Trisha and the subject is "Why won't my son have sex?!")
F: I don't belive it!
Y: me neither.
Y+F: (Happily) There's something good on TV!! (They gasp and they climb down off thier chairs)

god

Scene 9: Mage's tower (present) Characters: Prince, Crow master, Shadee and Toshiko Sato

P: No, No this isn't right we must have made a wrong turn somewhere...
CM: We must have I mean how in hell did we get stuck up the chimney?!!
P: I dunno! I must have read the map wrong!
CM: you should have printed it off!, it only takes a bit of common sense! What would a cafeteria be doing balanced on a chimney?!
P: shh! can you hear that? (There is a faint scratching sound from below)
S: ooh, hee, hee, hee, I heard that! Now where's that gasoline?...
P: what's she want gasoline for?
CM: Dunno.. oh! Maybe she wants to light a fire?
P: yeah( sinffing the air) can you smell burning?
CM: nah, I can just smell gently roasting pheasnt...(jumps suddenly) Oh god it's me!( he shoots up the chimney with his tail feathers on fire)
P: wait for me! (they climb the chimney and reach a trap door which they push open to find themselves in a local Burger King) Told you there was one up here!
CM: (puts fire out) yeah, yeah...(goes to waitress) excuse me...
T: (turns round) Yes? can I help you?
CM: yes, now i'll have the double chicken burger with worm fritters (whispers) I love those .
P: I'll have a sour soft taco!
T: Fine, fine, let me just give this person the bill (turns to Shadee) Right now that totals to £300,000, will you pay in cash or check or card or just give me your bank acount details?
s: I'll just hand over my bank details...( writes down PIN number and leaves card, Shadee is clearly drunk) That was a lovely sherry salad...(hickups)...I'll jus...jus...leave through here...(she walks off the edge of the helipad) thanss....for the free drink.
T: NO! I knew I forgot to charge her for something! (runs over to Helipad) That'll be an extra 500 years of dishwashing when you return!
CM: (impaintently) Excuse me are you going to serve us our crappy overpriced pig swill or fire debts at all the customers?!
T: one moment please! (runs over to kitchen and comes out with 5 bowls of burnt food ) Eat it! (she watches them slowly choke it down) Thanks...(she picks up the plates and licks them clean) nice and clean now.
P: When do you go off duty? Will you come with us?
T: In about half hour and I could use a break.
CM: okay then I'll just pay the bill-
T: first I have to "Clean" the phones in the storeroom.
CM: I'll go and "Help" her "clean" the phones in the storeroom (gets up and follows T) hee, hee, hee.
P: (Sits down and waits, while the sound of licking comes from the storeroom).........I need something to say!
CM: (from storeroom) OH! now I've dropped a "Screw"
T: £500 for a replacement screw! (the sound of a till opening is heard from inside the storeroom.) Cash or Check?

god

Chapter 3: Where the road leads.

Scene 1: grounds (present) Characters: Farah, Yvonne, vizer, antuiqes roadshow person

F: Hmm, there must be something good to look at here..
Y: yeah, I kinda whish we took the TV...
F: (coughs) yeah we really should have took it ( nudges extremely large TV shaped breasts)
V: Can I help you ladies?
F: Bloody hell! He's here as well!
V: well I don't get to appear very often...
Y: oh! Is this your boyfriend?
V: why ye-
F: NO! (Knocks out V and searches his pockets) hmm, wallet,...aincent makeup and parsely.
Y: not exactly the best haul ever...
ARP: Can I help you? (jumps out from somewhere)
F: yes can you identify this makeup?
ARP: yes, why I belive that it is, some 10,000 year old foundation... it's completely priceless...amazing...
F: what you mean It's free?! (puts some on her cheeks and there is a bright flash of light) how do I look?
Y: wow! you look stunning! ( Farah adds "STUNNING FOUNDATION" to inventory)
ARP: (paralized by the Stunning effects of the foundation) mmmm, zzzzzz, kkkkk.....jelly!
Y: Jelly where? (Y puts on "ANTI-STUNNING MAKEUP") much better.
F: oh! there's the jelly! (Farah wanders over to a bowl of jelly, stunning V along the way) Oh my god! Lousy over pirced food for £400,000!( checks out a label that reads " Made by burger king!") hmm, too expensive...
V: mrrrr,sssss......sandwhiches!
F: whatcha say? (she turns round and blinks at V, a flash of light, like a camera flash fills the room for a second and V is stunned again) lousy pensioner.
Y: anyway lets leave, this place is boring.
V: I will have my revenge on you, you lousy f-
Y: OI! we don't want this topic to get filtered now do we!?

god

Scene 2: burger king (present) characters: Crow master, Toshiko, Dahaka and yvonne's sister/ burger king manager.

T: (comes out of cupborad with a till strapped around her) hmm, where did I put that fork?
C: god knows. But I do know that there was definatly something wrong with the lights in that cupboard.

T: Yeah it was odd how the light went out when we got in there.

CM: Yeah...odd....she'll never know...

D: (tapping on desk impatiently) have you finished chatting yet, we still have this scene to do and the writer's getting bored of chucking me in at random points.

T: ooh! and who on earth are you? because I haven't got the faintest idea.
D: Aren't you supposed to be dead?
T: *coughs* yes well I... nope i'm alive. *whispers* I'm such a good lier...
C: On with the scene people!
D: right! Now! Toshiko Sato I have come to take you out!
T: *gasps* Oh my god I don't want to die *whispers* again.
D: Let me finish...Take you out for pizza!
T: That's even worse!
D: well there's no way you can distract me!
C: look somethings strange and/ or odd is happening to that wall!
D: really! *turns to stare at blank wall*
C: run! (they flee burger king taking the till with them.)
YS/BKM: Wait! MY till! Toshiko you're fired!
T: (climbing down chimney) I quit!
YS/BKM: yes well I hired you anyway! Just so I can fire you ! (chases after them followed by angry customers, D is left along still staring at the blank wall.)

god

Scene 3: kitchens (past)
characters: Farah, Yvonne

Y: (walks into kitchen and calmly barricades the door) phew.
F: Are they still out there?
Y: yeah, I can't belive how we are going to get rid of those exictioners?
F:(shreiks) how the hell shoud I know? (blinks)
Y: (slightly blinded) will you stop doing that please! (hears banging on door) Oh No they're trying to get in!
F: Can't we lock the door?
Y: (pulling out laser lipstick) we can weld it shut! (welds the door)
F: That' not good enough! (points to axe hole in door) what are they doing now?
Y: getting a drill...
F: Oh for god sake those executioners keep thier brains in thier (drilling sound) and they are frankly the size of button mushrooms!
Y: Why would you say that?
F: Cos thier like all men aren't they? they're just a bunch of (drilling sound) and the rest! Then there was the fact about the (drilling sound) with the fact that it would melt if they even tried for once to put it in thier (drilling sound) !!
Y: sorry? I didn't hear that over the drilling!
F: I SAID WE'RE LIKELY NOT TO BE ABLE TO HEAR THINGS BECAUSE OF THE (drilling sound)
Y: I still didn't hear it!
F: For f(drilling sound)s sake!! (gasps as the door falls down)

the end?