The New Doctor Who and Torchwood!

Sir Leopold · The New Doctor Who and Torchwood!

Here are the new scripts, most of it is still the same, but bits have been changed, but please still post your comments here

Episode 1 : A Death in Torchwood

Scene1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, and Bilis Manger.

(The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, and Gwen are in a restaurant, at a table, Bilis walks over.)

B: Are you ready to order?
CJ: Oh yes! I believe I am, I’ll have the…
D: Wait a minute, let the ladies order first, just because you are gay doesn’t mean you ignore them.
R: Is Captain Jack gay?
D: Oh course he’s gay, he tried to kiss me in the taxi on the way here.
CJ: I was cleaning your mouth.
D: Oh, and what was your hand doing?
CJ: I was feeling what your trousers were made of.
G: What, you actually TOUCHED the Doctor?
CJ: No I didn’t touch him, I touched his trousers.
D: That doesn’t matter. (Whispering.) Gaylord.
B: So what do you want?
D: Rose, you chose first.
G: I’m also female.
D: Oh yes, each say what you want at the same time then.
R+G: I’ll have the chicken soup.
B: Gwen, can you repeat that please?
G: Chicken soup.
B: Okay. (He writes it down.)
CJ: And I’ll have the….
D: Wait a minute, straight men before gays.
CJ: Gay men before straights.
G: Just stop this nonsense.
R: No! Gay men always go last!
G: No they don’t. Gay men go first. I’ve read a book about it when Reece stopped enjoying sex, I thought he was going gay, it turned out his penis was broken.
R: I didn’t want to know that.
D: So anyway, let me order my meal. I’ll have the layered pasta.
CJ: Wait! I want to go first.
D: I’m not gay, so I’m going first.
CJ: Oh yeah! (He pulls a gun from his pocket.) Doctor, I’m sorry.
D: (He pulls out his sonic screwdriver.) No, I’m sorry.
G: Stop this Doctor. (She grabs Bilis and nicks his pen, she points it at the Doctor.)Leave him alone.
R: No, you leave him alone! (She pulls a sharp key ring from her pocket.)
CJ: Okay, let’s sort this out, I won’t shoot you if you stop calling me gay.
D: Why would I do that gayboy?
CJ: That’s it. (He stands up and coughs.)
B: Wait a minute, this fight is so unfair.

(He clicks his fingers and Captain Jack has the sonic screwdriver, the Doctor has the pen, Rose has the gun, and Gwen has the key ring.)

B: Now it’s fair, just carry on now.
D: Come on then! (He stabs Captain Jack with the pen, Captain Jack bleeds.)
CJ: Oh, you’re paying for that.
D: How much?
CJ: This pink shirt cost ten pounds fifty.
D: Okay, okay, keep your gay hair on. (He reaches into his wallet and hands him a ten pound fifty note.)
CJ: Thanks. Now where were we, oh yeah, good bye Doctor. (He looks at the sonic screwdriver.) How do you use this?
G: Oh, just shut up. (She stabs Rose with the key ring, Rose falls to the floor, bleeding.)
R: You bitch! What was that for?
G: Oh shut up! (She jumps on Rose and keeps stabbing her, Rose dies.)
D: Nooooooo! She was my best friend! You will pay for that Gwen. (He picks up the gun and he shoots Gwen, she dies.)
CJ: So now it’s fair, a nice one on one. Just what I like. But this is still unfair. I’ve got a weapon I can’t use. I’ll trade you.
D: Okay. (They go to swap weapons, but the doctor shoots Captain Jack, he falls over.)
Yes, yes, I win, oh I’m so good.
CJ: (He rises and punches the Doctor.)I can’t die.
D: AH! You didn’t die! TARDIS come to me!

(The TARDIS comes and the Doctor pulls Rose inside, he walks inside and it leaves.)

Scene 2

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis Manger.

(The Doctor is in the TARDIS, Rose’s dead body lies on the floor.)

D: Rose, I’ll get you to hospital, oh, wait, I’ll use the sonic screwdriver’s new setting I installed, reviving people. (He holds it over Rose, it beeps, she wakes up, her wounds healed.)
R: Oh where am I Doctor? (She grabs his crotch.)
D: Ouch! Rose, I know I’m an alien, but I’ve still got a penis.
R: (She lets go.) Sorry Doctor, it was huge, oh, oh, sorry, I was scared, all I remember was that bitchy Welsh women with a gap between her front teeth raping me and stabbing my boobs, did I die?
D: You did die, and I don’t think she was raping you.
R: She was on top of me, maybe she’s a lesbian, yes, Captain Jack’s gay, and Gwen’s a lesbian.
D: Maybe.
R: How did you bring me back from the dead?
D: Oh yes, I installed a reviver function into the sonic screwdriver.
R: Installed! From where?
D: The internet it’s amazing what you can find on that. Females undressing themselves, or men if you’re gay, and like Captain Jack.
R: I don’t believe he’s gay, I’ve never met a gay man before.
D: I didn’t want to but I did. Yuk!
R: That’s a point Doctor, how did we get to that restaurant, I can’t remember?
D: Oh yes! Well… well …I can’t remember, wait, wait a minute. No, I can’t remember.
R: (She sits up.) Hey, we’re in the TARDIS, is this TARDIS moving?
D: Yes, it pulled up at the restaurant, I was rushing you to hospital and then I revived you, so, as I don’t need to go to the hospital anymore, is there anywhere you want to go?
R: Oh yes please! Let’s go and she Gwen, I can’t wait to kill her.
D: Actually she’s also dead, I shot her, maybe that gay captain has tried to get her to hospital, who knows.
R: Well now I don’t know where I want to go.

(Suddenly Bilis Manger appears next to the Doctor.)

B: Well, hello there.
R: You’re that waiter bloke.
D: How’d you get into my TARDIS?
B: Ignore that for now. I bring useful news, Captain Jack is rushing Gwen to hospital, if you stop him she will stay dead.
R: Yes! Come on Doctor, this is our chance.
D: What’s your name?
B: Bilis, Bilis Manger. (He shakes the Doctor’s hand.) I must be going now. (He disappears.)
R: Let’s go Doctor, we are going to stop Jack.
D: Yes, let’s go, I’ll set the TARDIS to home on to Jack.

(The Doctor goes to the centre of the TARDIS and presses some buttons.)

Scene 3

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, and Owen.

(Captain Jack is driving the van, Gwen’s dead body is beside him.)
CJ: I’ll save you Gwen, don’t worry, I’ll get you to hospital. Oh! Traffic lights! (The van
stops.) I’m calling an ambulance. (He pulls a phone from his pocket, and dials 999, he puts the phone to his ear.) Yes, ambulance, my friend is dead (The phone hangs up.) How rude, and they didn’t even ask me where I was, what happened to gay rights.

(The door opens and Owen is there.)

O: Gwen’s dead, quick, get her out of here, I can help her. (They pull Gwen out of the van.)
CJ: How are we going to help her? (They put her down.)
O: I’ve got an alien machine in my pocket, it may help. (He reaches into his pocket.)
CJ: (He takes the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.) Like this.
O: (He brings his hand out of his pocket, empty, he grabs the sonic screwdriver.) This will help, it’s much better.
CJ: Don’t snatch!
O: This should have a hole wrapper setting. (Here it is, he holds it above Gwen, it beeps and her wounds heal, she wakes up, and sits up.)
G: Where am I Jack?
CJ: Gwen, you died, Owen ought you back with that alien screwdriver from the Doctor.
G: Thanks Owen, thank you so much! (She continuously kisses him.)
CJ: Okay, okay, don’t get carried away. (He pulls them apart.)
O: Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you should split up straight people. (They continue kissing.)
CJ: Okay, well, let’s get out of here, come on, we must get to base, encase the Doctor comes, let’s go.
O: Okay. (They take each others shirt off.) Calm down.
G: Let’s go, we’ll finish this inside.

(They leave the shirts on the pavement and get in the van, it drives off.)

Scene 4

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and a Weevil.

(The Doctor and Rose are in the TARDIS.)

D: We’re almost there Rose.
R: Oh yes, I can’t wait please say Gwen is still dead.
D: Gwen is still dead.
R: Yay!
D: I’m going to kill Captain Jack, I hope he can die, I must find a way.

(The TARDIS stops.)

D: We’re here, quick Rose, grab a weapon, not my trousers this time.
R: Okay, I’ll have this thingy. (She picks up a wooden stick.) Is it deadly? (She swings it around) Seems it.
D: Okay, let’s go. (He goes to the doors.)
R: Wait Doctor, where’s your weapon?
D: My sonic screwdriver.
R: Oh yes, will it help?
D: Of course, I installed a new machine gun function, 20 bullets a second, I’d like to see Captain Jack stay alive.
R: Let’s go then. (They both walk out onto the street where the two shirts are.)
D: (Picking up Gwen’s shirt.) Well, they’ve been here, I remember this colour, maybe I can trace them through their DNA on these shirts.
R: But whose shirt is this? (She picks up Owen’s shirt, she takes a packet from the pocket.) A packet of condoms. (She looks inside.) Two are missing.
D: So there is only one left?
R: Yeah, just one.
D: Good. (He takes the pack and puts it in his pocket.) I may need that later.
R: But Doctor, they’re medium size, and I know yours is an extra large, I felt it a few hours ago if you don’t remember.
D: You thought I was going to use it, no, no, no, to cook sausages, that is there real use.
R: How do you do that?
D: Stuff the sausage in, put it in the oven for 25 minutes, take it out and the outside is nice and moist.
R: I’m so glad you’ve never cooked for me, I wouldn’t be alive.
D: But if I didn’t have my reviver function on my sonic screwdriver, you would be dead.
R: Oh yes, I died didn’t I, I completely forgot.
D: So anyway. (He takes both shirts.) Let’s trace their DNA. (They turn around, Bilis Manger is behind them.)
B: Look out!

(The Doctor and Rose turn around a Weevil is running towards them.)

D: Get down Rose!
R: Okay! (She ducks, placing her head in the Doctor’s crotch.)
D: Rose, not now, there are people watching, suck it when we get into the TARDIS.
R: (She turns her body around.) Ahhhhhhhhh! (The Weevil jumps on her face, her face in the Weevil’s crotch.)
D: I’ll save you Rose.
W: Rah! (He pushes his legs around Rose’s head.)
D: (Holds his sonic screwdriver up and aims it at the Weevil.) She’s my friend! (Bullets fire from the screwdriver and hit the Weevil it falls over, dead.)
R: (She gets up, a white liquid is around her mouth, she touches it.) Yuk! This stuff is sticky, ehhh, wipe it off, quick Doctor, give me something.
D: What do you want? (He looks in his pockets.) I’ve got nothing, except a condom, but you’re not getting that!
R: (She grabs Bilis’s cravat and wipes her mouth with it, she then replaces the cravat.) Oh thanks, wait, you’re that strange man that appeared in the TARDIS, and in the restaurant.
D: Bilis, that is your name isn’t it? Bilis.
B: Yes, you are correct, anyway I was just passing by and saw that beast, I thought I’ll warn you.
D: Well thank you, do you know what it is?
R: What, Doctor, don’t you know?
D: No, I’ve never seen anything like it.
B: I don’t now what the animal is called, but I can tell you where it came from.
R: Where, where. (She grabs Bilis.) Come on old man, where did it come from?
D: (Pulls Rose off Bilis.) Sorry for her, she’s a bit hyperactive. So where do these creatures come from? (He points to the Weevil.)
B: Torchwood.
D: I should have known. Can you show us where it is?
B: Of course I could, but I’m not going to.
R: Why? (She grabs him again.) Why? We need to know, or else. (She holds up her fist to threaten him.)
B: Or else what?
R: I’ll get the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver and push it so far up your backside that every time you sit down it will bleep.
B: I will tell you, but…..
R: But what?
D: Leave him alone Rose. (He pulls her off Bilis.)
B: I need to wash my cravat, I don’t want this glue on it any longer.

Scene 5

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, and Owen.

(Captain Jack, Gwen, and Owen are at the Torchwood base.)

CJ: So, what should we do?
G: I say we go after the Doctor, and kill him, and Rose, if she’s alive.
O: Wait a minute, who’s Rose, and this Doctor you’re talking about?
G: Well, they are?
CJ: Wait, Owen, I’ve got a question for you, how did you get to the van, and how did you know we were in it?
O: I was just passing by, I saw Gwen’s body and decided to help.
CJ: So how did you know how to use this? (He holds out the sonic screwdriver.)
O: I’ve seen one before.
CJ: Where?
G: Just leave him alone Jack.
O: At a hospital, it was a new piece of equipment.
CJ: So how did you know how to use it?
O: They taught me on a course.
G: Good enough Jack?
CJ: I suppose. (He walks off.)
G: he was a little harsh.
O: True.
G: Shall we go somewhere and I’ll show you how harsh I can be?
O: Will you use a whip?
G: If you ask me to, and prove you deserve one.
O: Okay. (He spanks her.)
G: Yes, you need a whip. (They walk off.)

(Captain Jack is in his office, sitting down, drinking brandy.)

CJ: Why were we at that restaurant, I can’t remember anything before, except the taxi getting there, oh yes, the Doctor’s trousers were made of cotton, I do remember. I’ll check my files. (He opens his drawer and pulls out a pile of papers, he starts looking through them) No, this isn’t it, oh, no, Gaylord, no, I’ve read that issue, oh, the Argos catalogue, I’ll look at that later, woman, no that’s Gwen’s magazine, no, no, no, playboy, this is Owen’s, yuk, it’s all sticky, quick, put that down. (He puts it down.) Oh here it is (He takes a sheet off the desk and looks at it.) Good! (He throws the rest on the floor and lights a match and throws it on the pile, the pile catches fire, he looks at the paper.) It’s not here, yuk, this sheet is also sticky, but it doesn’t have anything written on it until the taxi ride. (He throws it on the flaming pile.) I’ll tell Gwen. (He walks off)

(Gwen and Owen are having sex in a room containing boxes.)

O: Move a bit to the left, oh that’s good.
G: Keep going Owen, yes, yes, yes.
O: Oh yes, wait, can you feel something?
G: Your penis.
O: No. I’ve forgot a condom. I left the last one in my shirt pocket.
G: We’ve been going at it for ages, you’ve fertilized me by now.
O: No, I don’t want a child. (He pushes himself away from Gwen.)
G: We’ve made the floor messy, quick, clean it up before Jack sees. (A knocking is heard at the door.)
O: Don’t ask, just hand me that pack (He points.) of playing cards.
G: Okay. (She passes them to him.)
CJ: Can I come in yet?
O: (He puts the cards down and gives some to himself, and some to Gwen.) You can come in if you wish.

(The door opens and Captain Jack walks in.)

CJ: (He stares at Owen.) What’s going on?
G: Well…..
O: Strip poker, me and Gwen were bored, and we had no money so we had to bet clothes.
CJ: (He continues to stare at Owen.) Gwen, can I penis you outside?
G: What?!
CJ: (He looks away from Owen.) Can I talk to you outside?
G: Of course. (She walks outside, Captain Jack follows and they close the door.)
CJ: What happened before we went to that restaurant?
G: I…..we……
CJ: I need to know.
G: Check your office.
CJ: I have already.
G: Check again.
CJ: Okay.

(They go to Jack’s office, it is on fire.)

Scene 6

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and a shop worker.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis are in a launderette.)

D: Is your cravat ready?
B: Ready for what?
D: To put on.
B: Oh, almost, about five more minutes.
R: Hurry up! We’ve been here for two hours.
D: Stop exaggerating Rose, we all know it’s been three hours.
B: My cravat is special. We could wait ten hours if it needed that long.
R: I’m glad it doesn’t take that long, we could have found Torchwood by then. Gwen may be alive by now.
B: Oh yes, I must say, she is alive, came back to the world about ten minutes after you Rose.

(The shop worker walks over and hands Bilis his cravat.)

SW: Your cravat sir.
B: (He takes his cravat and puts it on.) Thank you.
SW: Come again. (She walks off.)
R: Not at the speed it took, I’m almost falling asleep, I’m never coming back.
B: Okay, calm down young one.
D: Wait, how do you know Gwen is alive?
B: Isn’t it easy to work out? I can travel between time, and places.
R: You cannot!
B: Your TARDIS can, why can’t I?
R: Well, arrrr. I suppose you could.
D: Wait, Bilis Manger, I’ve heard your name before.
B: I doubt that, I’m only 88.
R: My God! I thought you were 128!
D: Now that’s an exaggeration, he looks 228!
B: Stop talking about my age.
D: You said you’ll show us where Torchwood is.
B: I did, you must come to my shop, it’s only a ten minute walk.
R: Walking! I can’t, I’ll slide along, Doctor, clip my thong to your belt and pull me along.
D: No! But you could do something else with your thong.
R: What have you got in mind? (She begins to unbutton her shirt.)
D: Do you want to wash it? I’ll help you take it off.
R: I think it’s already washed.
D: Are you sure? Because if it is like you it is really dirty.
R: I’ve washed it.
D: With what?
R: Orgasmic fluids.
D: Really, can I feel it to make sure?
R: What are you going to use?
D: My sonic screwdriver. (He removes it from his pocket.)
R: If you want. (She takes off her shirt and leans forward.) Start with my boobs. (Bilis’s face falls into them.)
D: Hey, what are you doing?!
R: Ooh! Ooh! Like them some more Bilis. (She bobs up and down.)
D: What!? (He pulls Bilis off Rose, Bilis is asleep, snot is coming from his nose.)
R: Yuk! Get it off, get it off. (She grabs Bilis’s cravat and whips the snot off, she replaces the cravat.) Can we go now? (She puts her shirt back on.)
D: (He wakes up Bilis.) Get up, come on.
B: (Sitting up straight.) Oh, yes, of course, whatever’s happening?
R: I’m glad to be getting gout of here.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis get up to leave.)

B: My cravat’s dirty again.

(The Doctor and Rose run out of the shop.)

Scene 7

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, Bilis Manger, and Owen.

(Captain Jack and Gwen are in the burning office.)

CJ: (Grabbing Gwen.) We must get out of here!
G: (Pulling Jack to the wall.) I’m not getting out of here.
CJ: This whole place will burn, get out.
G: But, I fancy you. (She kisses him.) OH, I’m only lying. (She pulls a can from her pocket.) I can use this, get it, CAN use this, CAN, I’m holding a CAN. Ha, ha, ha!
CJ: Stop joking Gwen, and get out!
G: This can put out the fire. (She sprays a thin mist fro the can onto the fire, it goes out.)
CJ: Where did you get that from?
G: I found it in the storeroom where me and Owen had sex.
CJ: Sex, sex! I thought you were playing strip poker.
G: Oh yes, that’s right, strip poker. (Whispering.) What an idiot.
CJ: So why are we here again? Oh yes, I’ve looked for the paperwork. (He walks over to his desk.) But I can’t find anything useful.
G: (Walks over to the desk.) I’ll have a look. (She starts looking through the papers.)It’ll be here somewhere. (She takes out a magazine.) Oh, here’s my next catalogue.
CJ: I need to pop to the loo. Back in a few minutes. (He walks off.)
G: Okay. (She looks through Jack’s papers and pulls out a small pink book with a purple flower on the front.) This must be Jack’s diary, I must look. (She begins looking through it, she stops.) Ooh, page 127.12, this looks good, WHAT! Dear diary, today I slept with the Brigadier, you know, the one form UNIT, it was so fun, I sprayed it all over the floor.
CJ: (Walks back in.) Gwen! What are you doing?! Put that down!
G: (Puts it down.) It was very interesting. I didn’t know you did that sort of thing.
CJ: It’s not mine.
G: Whose is it then?
CJ: Erm, ah, erm, ah, Suzi’s, yes, it’s Suzi’s, not mine, no, not mine.
G: Maybe the information is in here.
CJ: It won’t be, Suzi is dead. (He jumps forward and grabs the diary.) I’ll keep this.

(Bilis Manger suddenly appears behind the desk.)

B: Well hello.
G: (Quickly backing away.) Who are you?
B: Bilis, Bilis Manger. (He shakes her hand.)
CJ: How did you get here?
B: As I get everywhere, by teleporting.
G: Is that possible Jack?
CJ: Of course, loads of alien devices can do it.
G: Why are you here?
CJ: Firstly, aren’t you a waiter?
B: I am not a waiter.
CJ: You were at that restaurant the other night.
B: It was last night. And I am here to aid you.
G: Aid us in doing what, ordering food?
B: I have been following you for some time, your help is needed.
CJ: Needed in what?
B: Well isn’t it simple to work out?
G: We wouldn’t be asking if we knew.
B: Good point, you are needed to stop the Doctor and bring peace to the world, and other worlds.
G: Why?
B: The Doctor lays waste to every place he goes to. He must be stopped, and that is your job.
CJ: Now that’s not true, in my contract, it says nothing about killing a mad doctor.
G: Be quiet Jack. Where can we find the Doctor?
B: Do you want to know, well I’m not going to tell you.
G: Why?!
B: I want your necklace in return.
G: No! Owen bought this for me.
B: Okay, okay, if you don’t want to know.
CJ: We do, just wait a minute, Gwen give it to him.
B: Tough, changed my mind.
G: What do you want now?
B: I still want the necklace, but I want to take it off.
G: Okay.

(Bilis walks over to her, places his hands around the back and puts his face close to Gwen’s, he starts to cough and it looks like he is going to kiss her, Owen walks on.)

O: (Pulls a gun from his pocket.)Leave her alone! (He shoots Bilis, Bilis falls onto the table bleeding, her is dead.)

Scene 8

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and a policeman.

(The Doctor, Rose and Bilis are walking along a road, loads of policemen and cars are going past.)

R: I wonder what’s going on.
D: Not sure myself, maybe there is a sale at the local doughnut shop.
B: (Taking a slice of bread from his pocket.) Maybe someone has died.
R: I hop it’s Gwen
D: Oh I wish.
B: (Taking a knife and some peanut butter from his pocket.) I’ve already told you, Gwen is still alive.
R: Ruin my fun why don’t you. I was just imaging her dead body there, blood pumping out of it, that would be good.

(They come to where all the police are crowded.)

D: I wonder what’s going on.
R: Let’s get a closer look.
B: (Peanut buttering his slice of bread.) Ask someone.

(They go up to a policeman.)

D: Excuse me, but what is going on?
P: Don’t you know.

(Some of the policemen move aside, and the TARDIS is in the middle, covered on chains.)

P: We won’t let anybody near it, we’re going to blow it up in about two hours.
B: (He drops his bread and peanut butter goes all over his cravat.) Oh, all over my cravat, it’s mixing with the snot.

Sir Leopold

Episode 2 : Burning Potatoes

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Policeman 1, and Policeman 2.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis are sitting on a bench at the side of the road, near the TARDIS and all the policeman.)

B: (Peanut buttering himself a slice of bread.) So the peanut butter came off easily.
R: Wow, that was the most fun conversation I’ve had all week.
D: Me too, it was so exciting I’ve got an erection.
B: Okay, okay, no more, I’ll stop.
R: (Clapping.) Thank goodness it’s over!
D: That still doesn’t solve the problem of the TARDIS and it being blown up.
R: You’ve got to go up to them policeman and beep your sonic screwdriver at them, they will run off screaming like little girls.
D: Good plan! (He takes the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.) This plan might just work.
B: Don’t even try it, it won’t work.
R: How do you know? You’re so old I’m not sure you even know what’s going on.
B: (He finishes peanut buttering his slice of bread.) I do know what’s happening, I’m going to eat some food. Ha! (He goes to eat the bread.)
R: What?!
D: Just ignore him Rose, I’m going to give this plan a try. (He beeps the sonic screwdriver.)
R: I don’t care, I’m having him on! (She runs at Bilis and jumps at him, the bench falls back as she head butts him ,screaming.)
D: (He removes Rose from Bilis.) Are you okay now?
R: Yes. Try the plan then.
D: Okay! (He beeps the sonic screwdriver again.)

(Two of the policemen turn around.)

P1: Weapon! Get him! (He points at the sonic screwdriver and runs at the Doctor.)
P2: Rape! That women tried to rape that old man! (He points at Rose and runs at her.)
D: Get down!
B: (He gets up and pulls the bench back to the way it was.) Wow, I didn’t know I was that strong anymore.
R: Run!

(She runs, grabs Bilis and the Doctor, they are run off, the Policemen stop.)

P1: I can’t run anymore.
P2: Oh, it was only a rapist and an illegal weapon, don’t worry about it, we’ve got more important things to do.
P1: Do you want to get a burger? It is (He looks at his watch.) Twelve o’clock.
P2: Fine, let’s go.

Scene 2

Characters: Gwen, Captain Jack, Owen, ad Ianto.

(Bilis’s dead body lies on the desk as Gwen, Captain Jack, and Owen stand around him.)

O: (Putting his gun away.) What was that old grandpa doing?
G: He was helping us! For God’s sake Owen! You don’t always have to use that gun!
O: I don’t use this gun during sex.
G: I know that, you use that other one.
CJ: Stop! Stop! I don’t care! Owen, you must stop all this killing! There is blood all over my desk.
O: So what was he doing, helping you with your sex life?
G: What?!
O: He was going to kiss you, aren’t I good enough? You want an older man, is that it?!
G: No Owen, he was taking my necklace so we can help this planet.
CJ: And kill the Doctor. We could miss there birds with one rock.
G: Jack. (Lightly whispering.) It’s kill two birds with one stone.
CJ: Oh, oh, I will remember that from now on. (He writes it on his hand.)
O: I’m not having this.
G: Having what?
O: That man assaulting you, taking the necklace I bought for you. I can’t take it. (He storms out.)

(Gwen goes to run after him, Captain Jack stops her.)

CJ: Leave him?
G: (Forcing her way from Jack’s grip.) Just because I kissed you doesn’t mean I don’t love Owen. I must talk to him!
CJ: What are you going to say? Talk to me?
G: I must say sorry to him, I only kissed you once, now I’m leaving! (She walks off.)
CJ: I don’t care about the kiss! I want the Doctor dead. Help me!

(Gwen walks off as Ianto enters the office.)

I: Jack, what’s going on, I heard there was a fire.
CJ: Oh don’t worry, that was the last episode, you are a little late, now I’m going after Gwen and Owen. Can you get rid of that body? (He runs off.)
I: Okay. (He walks over to the body.) I’ll take care of this. (He reaches into Bilis’s shirt pocket and pulls out a ten pound note, he puts it in his pocket.) Ooh yes! A pay rise!

Scene 3

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis Manger.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis are running (Bilis is almost at a walking speed) they stop and sit on a stone wall in front of a house’s front garden.)

D: I think we escaped them.
R: I hope so.
B: I need a peanut butter sandwich. (He searches his pockets.) There’s no peanut butter or bread left.
R: What about that other slice you had?
B: I dropped that when you ran at me!
R: Oh yeah, I remember now.
R: Who cares about your butter anyway?
D: It’s peanut butter Rose.
R: What’s the difference?
D: If you have an allergy to peanuts you wouldn’t eat peanut butter, but you would eat normal butter.
R: But you may not like normal butter.
D: True, you may not, but that doesn’t mean to are allergic to peanuts.
B: Can you just stop this please?
R: Be quiet!
D: No it is a good idea to stop.
R: Only because you lost you loser.
D: No I didn’t lose.
R: Yes you did. LOSER! LOSER!
D: No, you’re a loser!
R: (She makes an ‘L’ sign with her finger and thumb.) LOSER!
D: (He slaps Rose.) LOSER!
R: (She slaps him back.) No, you’re a loser.

(They get into a slapping fight where the word “LOSER!” is constantly repeated.)

B: Stop, stop!
D: (He grabs Rose’s hands and the fighting stops.) Remember, we are trying to get to Torchwood.
R: Oh yes. Bilis, how do we get there?
B: You should pop by my shop first to get some supplies.
D: (He lets go of Rose’s hands.) Okay.
R: What about the TARDIS, we need that more?
D: We could walk to Bilis’s shop and then to Torchwood.
R: I’m not walking anywhere! It took me ages to get this belly, I don’t want to burn any of it up!
D: (He lightly slaps Rose’s belly.)Oh yes, that must of taken you ages.
R: Not as long as these boobs. Go on, feel them.
D: (Feels Rose’s left boob.) Oh yes, that is even better.
R: (She grabs the Doctor’s hand and squeezes her left boob continuously.) Do you like it?
D: Yes, oh, yes!
R: Get the TARDIS and we can carry on in there.
D: Yes, we should get the TARDIS then.
B: I thought you wanted to go to Torchwood?
D: I did until Rose just offered me sex.
B: So?
D: You are old, you don’t know what sex is, you’ve probably forgotten.
R: (She lets go of his hand.) So, get the TARDIS and we’ll carry on in there.
B: Do you want to get the TARDIS or go to Torchwood?

(The Doctor looks between Rose and Bilis.)

D: Erm, I’ll pick……

(Rose undoes the top few buttons of her shirt, The Doctor points at her and she sucks his finger.)

D: I’ll get the TARDIS!
B: Okay. (He falls off the fence.) Oh, my neck!

Scene 4

Characters: Gwen, Owen, Captain Jack, and Ianto.

(Owen is driving his sliver car.)

O: Ha, Gwen, I buy her all the stuff she wants and she goes at it with an OAP. And Jack was watching, there should be a law against this.

(Gwen is driving her pink sports car.)

G: I must see Owen, tell him about all of this. I didn’t believe he would see us, I just want to kill the Doctor and Rose so badly.

(Captain Jack is driving the Torchwood black van.)

CJ: And so Bob must fix the house or Wendy isn’t going to be very happy.

(Ianto pops up in the back of the van.)
I: Jack. Bob the builder ended two hours ago.
CJ: True, that is right, what am I meant to be talking about now?
I: Owen has ran off after he shot Bilis and Gwen has gone after him, and you have gone after Gwen.
CJ: I remember now. Thanks Ianto. Hey! Aren’t you meant to be putting Bilis’s dead body away?
I: No, I popped in the van just after you.
CJ: Okay.
I: Bye. (He ducks down and isn’t seen.)
CJ: So, I must catch Gwen and kiss her again.

(Back to Owen.)

O: I hate my life so much, I want to die. And what better way to do it than in a car, I’m going to close my eyes and try and drive. (He closes his eyes.) Wait a minute! (He opens his eyes again.) I must finish my drink. (He picks up a drink from the seat beside him, he drinks it, winds the window down and throws the empty cup out of the window.) Now I’m ready. (He closes his eyes.)

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Yvonne Hartman.

(The Doctor and Rose are helping Bilis up after he fell off the stone wall into somebody’s garden.)

D: Are you okay? (He sits Bilis back up on the way.) I’m going for the TARDIS.
B: The TARDIS! (He rocks back and forth on the wall.) Oh, I’m going to fall!
R: Don’t be stupid. (She slaps his cheek.)
D: I know you can help me Bilis, how can I get the TARDIS back?
B: Well you could… no, no, that wouldn’t work.

(The house door that they are in the garden of opens and Yvonne Hartman walks out.)

Y: Dad! (She runs at Bilis and hugs him.) I’ve missed you, I haven’t seen you in ages.
B: How are you darling?
Y: (She hugs him harder.) I’m fine, how are you?
B: I’m okay, except my neck is breaking off.
Y: (She stops hugging him.) Why?
B: Oh, no, it’s okay now. You don’t come by my shop anymore.
Y: No, my job at Torchwood, no, no, erm, I mean, at the strip club. That takes up all of my time.
D: So you work at Torchwood?
Y: Yes, yes I do.
D: That’s fine. (He removes the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.) Okay.
B: Wait. (He grabs the sonic screwdriver.) Not the Torchwood you’re talking about.
D: Fine. (he takes his sonic screwdriver back and puts it in his pocket.)
Y: Why don’t you come inside and have a cup of tea and some homemade cakes.
B: Okay.
Y: Just one thing first.
B: Yes, what is it dear?
Y: (She points at the ground where Bilis fell.) Who broke my prized sunflower?!

Scene 6

Characters: Owen, Gwen, Captain Jack, Ianto, and a Policeman.

(Owen has his eyes closed as his car heads for a group of policemen that are near the TARDIS.)

O: Am I dead yet?

(Gwen is driving her car.)

G: I must catch up quickly, these roads are blocked off and so it will be hard to drive around here.

(Jack is driving the van.)

CJ: And so Bob has almost finished the house, but he has lost a roof tile, and so sent Dizzy to get another one.

(Ianto pops up in the back seat of the van.)

I: Bob the Builder ended two and a half hours ago.
CJ: Oh, yes, I remember what I’m doing now. I must stop them before someone gets hurt, and I must kiss Gwen again.
I: WHAT?!
CJ: Go away Ianto!

(Ianto disappears in the back.)

(Owen’s car is about to hit some policemen but the jump out of the way and his car spins and faces the policeman holding the bomb, he drives into him, and the policeman throws the bomb, it flies through the air and lands in Owen’s car by falling through the sunroof, Owen carries on driving.)

O: (Opening eyes.) what’s happening? (He looks down at the bomb.) Oh!

(Back to Gwen’s car.)

G: What’s he doing?

(Owen’s car swings left and right as he avoids the policemen as they jump out of the way.)

O: (He looks at the bomb.) Oh, It only explodes in ten minutes, I’ve got time.

G: What is he doing? A bomb is in his car.

CJ: I must stop him, that bomb will have a timer, but any quick movement will set it off, I must stop him.

(An open back police van comes onto the street, in the back are eight policemen armed with rifles.)

P: (Points towards Owen’s car.) Stop it at all costs!
(The policemen load their weapons.)

CJ: Or they can stop Owen for me.

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Yvonne Hartman.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Bilis Manger are sitting at a table, Yvonne walks over to them and hands them each a cup of tea.)

Y: So what brings you to this area?
R: Torchwood!
D: But not the one you’re in, the Cardiff one.
Y: So you’re here in London, so you can go to a base in Cardiff. Aren’t they just a few miles apart?
D: Yes, that’s why I wanted to get my TARDIS back.
Y: A TARDIS!
D: Yes, a TARDIS, have you heard of one.
Y: I ordered one from the Torchwood online catalogue yesterday, the pink one of course.
B: (Sips some of the tea.) Ouch! This is hot!
R: I’m starving, have you got any unhealthy snacks I could pig out on?
B: Oh yes, you said something about homemade cakes.
D: Oh, no, not homemade cakes, they always contain the smallest amount of fat and sugar possible.
Y: Not my cakes, I do the very best lardy chip cakes in all of England. Eighty nine percent lard, ten percent potatoes, and one percent crayon.
R: CRAYONS!
Y: No, no, I mean poison, no, no, I mean one percent cake. Yes that’s it. (Whispering.) They don’t suspect a thing.
D: I’ll have two.
B: Only one for me thank you.
R: I’ll have three.
D: THREE! You are so rude, don’t have that many.
R: Okay then, six please, but don’t overcook them chips!
Y: Fine, I’ll make sixty.
B: Why sixty?
Y: The Doctor wants two, you want one, Rose wants six, and I want two. Do the maths, two plus one plus six plus two equals sixty.
R: WHAT?!
D: Just ignore her.
Y: (She opens a small drawer and pulls out a huge, twenty six kilogram bag of potatoes.) This should do.
D: (He stands up.) I’ll make some sausages.
Y: Fine (She points to the fridge.) They’re in there. (she opens another small drawer and takes out a huge metal bucket) Has anyone got some matches, I can’t cook these potatoes without matches?
D: Has anyone got any condoms? I can’t cook these sausages otherwise.

Scene 8

Characters: Owen, Gwen, Captain Jack, Yvonne Hartman, The Doctor, and a policeman.

(Owen is driving with the bomb beside him.)

O: I’ll just drive around a little bit and then I’ll dump this bomb at the bin.

(Gwen is following Owen’s car.)

G: When is he going to pull over? That bomb is going to blow up.

(Gwen’s car is rammed onto the pavement as the police van comes around the corner.)

P: Open fire on the wheels!

(The policemen start shooting at the car wheels.)

CJ: They’re going to blow hi to bits. As soon as those tyres are shot out the bomb with explode.

(At Yvonne’s house.)

Y: What’s going on outside?
D: I don’t have a clue.
Y: (She takes a huge metal lid out of another drawer.) As soon as I find some matches |I can start to make these potatoes poison cakes, I, I mean potato cakes.

(Outside the police shoot Owen’s wheels and his car spins and drives into Yvonne’s house, he crashes through the front window and he stops so quickly the bomb slides out of his car, smashes the window, and lands in Yvonne’s pot as she puts the lid on, it explodes and smoke and burning potatoes fly everywhere, Owen is in the car, hios forehead bleeding.)

Sir Leopold

Episode 3 : Hartman’s Heart Attack

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, and Owen.

(The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Yvonne Hartman are in the kitchen of Yvonne’s house, flaming potatoes are rolling everywhere.)

Y: Well, no cakes for us then, how about just one of the ingredients?
D: Which one?
Y: The poison.
R: Oh yes! What types have you got?
Y: (She opens a cupboard and looks inside.) Rat poison, snake poison, plain poison, and a bottle of coke.
R: Oh, don’t worry, I only like poison á la poison.
Y: Sorry, I ran out of that yesterday.
R: Oh, okay, how about we all go into your front room and see to that car smashed through the wall?
B: That sounds like a good idea, let’s go.
D: I won’t cook any sausages then.

(The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Yvonne Hartman all walk over to the car where Owen is inside.)

Y: Excuse me, who are you?
O: (He looks up, blood is covering his face, he wipes some of it away.) Ouch!
Y: Owen!
O: Yvonne!
D: You know this man, Doctor, is this man called Owen?
D: I’m not sure.
Y: He is called Owen, he’s from the Cardiff Torchwood.
D: (He takes the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.) Let’s find out what he knows.
B: Yvonne, aren’t you going to stop the Doctor?
Y: Why?
B: Owen is in Torchwood like you, you can’t go against your work place.
Y: He blew up my potatoes, I don’t care if he’s slept with Harriet Jones, my potatoes are more important.
B: What?!
R: Be quiet old man! (She punches Bilis and he falls to the floor.)
B: Ouch! Ouch! I need a doctor.

(Owen gets out of the car.)
O: I’m a doctor.
D: I don’t care. (He jumps forward and punches Owen in the stomach.)
O: Ouch! (He holds his stomach.) Yvonne, get hi to stop.
Y: Why should I get him to do anything?
O: Because you’re his girlfriend.
Y: What?! (She flying kicks Owen in the chest.)
O: So you’re not his girlfriend.
R: No! I am!
D: What?!
R: Come on Doctor. You fancy me badly, we should be going out.
D: True, and I don’t want to look gay like Captain Jack.
R: So where are you taking me for our first date?
D: Does McDonalds count?
R: Of course.
B: I still need a doctor.
O: I also need help, but I’m a doctor, I can help myself. (He takes a needle and some string from his pocket and he ties up the cut on his forehead.)
D: I’ll see you at eight.
R: Fine, but first, shouldn’t we help Bilis and see what Owen knows?
D: Sure thing. (He walks over to Bilis and pulls him to his feet.)
Y: Oh dad! (She runs at him and hits him so hard, he falls over.)
B: My neck!

Scene 2

Characters: Gwen, Captain Jack, and a policeman.

(Gwen is sitting in her smashed up car on the pavement. Captain Jack is driving the van and he pulls up behind Gwen, he gets out of the van and runs over to Gwen.)

CJ: Gwen! How are you?!
G: Jack, I’m fine, I just want to know what happened to Owen.
CJ: Why? Did the bomb explode?
G: Yes, in that house. (She points to Yvonne Hartman’s house, burning potatoes still roll around in the front garden.)
CJ: I wish I saw it, that fat police truck blocked the view.
G: I wonder if Owen’s okay.
CJ: Don’t worry yourself, kiss me.
G: Jack, that other kiss meant nothing. I don’t care for you, I only care for Reece.
CJ: Is that why you were having sex with Owen?
G: Erm, well, I can explain that….
CJ: Reece isn’t entertaining enough for your orgasmic pleasure, so you found somebody else to do it for you.
G: Yes, okay, it’ all true, Reece’s penis is still broken and so it’s hard to have fun at home, I need somebody else.
CJ: What about me?
G: You’re gay.
CJ: I could change.
G: That’s what Reece said, I first meet him and he was 36 stone, he promised he would lose 20 stone of it.
CJ: Did he?
G: Oh course not! He’s a fat pig! He has put on 20 stone!
CJ: I’ll change, becoming straight is so much easier than losing weight.
G: Are you sure?
CJ: Let me try.
G: Well……..
CJ: Come on please, jus one date?

(A policeman walks next to Captain Jack.)

P: Sir, is this your van?
CJ: Yes, yes it is.
P: Move it then. It is parked on a double yellow line.
CJ: Can you wait a minute please?
G: I’m still thinking.
P: If you do not move that van now I will have to arrest you.
CJ: Okay. (He walks into his van and drives off.)
G: Okay, I’ll let you take me out. (She looks around.) He’s gone.
P: I’m going to have to ask you to move your car as well.
G: (She gets out of her pink sports car.) Well, It’s broken, I cannot move it.
P: Complaining to a police officer, I’ll have you arrested.
G: Okay, okay. Quick! (She points behind the policeman.) It’s Harriet Jones!

(The policeman turns around and Gwen runs off.)

Scene 3

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, and Owen.

(The Doctor and Rose are standing in Yvonne Hartman’s front room, Bilis Manger and Yvonne Hartman are on the floor, Owen is also on the floor, performing surgery on himself.)

Y: Are you okay Dad?
B: Erm, ah….ah. (He rolls over a little.)

(Rose runs into the kitchen.)

D: Where are you going Rose?

(Rose returns with a bucket of water, she throws it over Bilis he wakes up and springs upright, he hits Yvonne in the nose.)

Y: Ouch! My nose! (She holds her nose)
O: (He stands up, fully healed, no blood can be seen.) I’m fine, I’ll be going now.
B: (Looking at Owen.) You have some blood on your trousers.
O: Ah! Ah! I killed you! (He backs away and points at Bilis.)
B: I can assure you ,you didn’t, I’m still here.
O: No! I shot you! (He keeps stepping back, and is now touching the wall.) I killed you!
D: Well you can’t have shot him within the last day or so, he’s been with me and Rose.
Y: (Blood pouring from her nose.) I’m going to black out!

(The Doctor and Rose are in beach chairs, each holding a bucket of popcorn.)

R: Can you be quiet Yvonne? This is just getting interesting.
D: Yes, quiet in front.
Y: I’m blacking out. (She blacks out.)
O: (He points at Bilis and keep trying to back away, he keeps hitting the wall.) You’re dead, I saw your blood all over Jack’s desk, you’re dead!
B: No I’m not dead, my blood is all inside me. (To himself.) Well, except that two pints I gave at the hospital.(He looks at Yvonne.) I’ll help you dear. (He pokes her.) No, she’s dead.
R: (Looking inside her popcorn bucket) I’m out of popcorn, and this is just getting interesting.
D: (Throwing his popcorn bucket.) I’m also out of snacks. (He jumps out of his chair.) Bilis, Owen, can you wait a minute? I’m going to make some sausages. (He walks into the kitchen.)

Scene 4

Characters: Gwen, Policeman, and Captain Jack.

(Gwen is running away from the Policeman.)

P: Stop! Stop!
G: No! (She runs faster.)
P: I’ll use force!
G: Go on then!
P: (He takes a stun gun out of his pocket and shoots Gwen, she falls over softly, the Policeman walks over to her.) Now, I think we need to have a little talk, don’t you? (He talks in a childish voice.) I couldn’t see Harriet Jones any where and I really wanted to meet her.
G: (The stun of the gun has run out, she gets up.) She was there, I saw her.
P: Really? I looked and I couldn’t see her.
G: Did you look behind the tree?
P: Well no, of course not.
G: That’s where she was. Because she’s so rich and powerful she doesn’t want to meet working class people like you, I bet she’s still around there somewhere.
P: Really? Are you sure?
G: Of course, go look for her.
P: Okay. (He runs off.)

(Captain Jack drives the van and pulls up on the pavement next to Gwen.)

CJ: Hello Gwen. Are you okay?
G: I’m fine. I was almost arrested.
CJ: By who?
G: A policeman, that just ran off in that direction. (She points to the way the Policeman just ran off in.)
CJ: Shall we go? (He takes her hand.)
G: (She takes her hand back.) Yes, let’s go.
CJ: Where to, Egypt, Paris, America?
G: Can we go and see how Owen is?
CJ: Okay, but first, how about that date I asked for?
G: Well, I’ve given it some thought, and yes, I would like to go on a date with you Captain Jack.
CJ: It’s Jack to you, how about we go to McDonalds.
G: Sure, what time?
CJ: Tonight at eight o’clock.
G: Well, we’ll have to be quick, my bedtime’s half eight.
CJ: Oh course, we’ll be quick.
G: Let’s go and see Owen.
CJ: Sure. (He helps Gwen into the van, he gets out goes around the other side and opens the door for her, she gets in, he closes the door, goes back to his side, gets in, closes the door, and drives off.)

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, and Owen.

(The Doctor is in the kitchen, Rose is on a chair in he front room while Own backs up against the wall, Yvonne has blacked out and is lying on the floor and Bilis sits next to her.)

D: (Searching Yvonne’s kitchen.) Well, Rose, I can’t cook any sausages, how about an ice - cream?
R: Sure, what flavour?
D: (He opens the freezer, and takes out an ice - cream tub.) She’s only got vanilla.
R: Look around the kitchen.
D: Okay.
O: Can we carry on now?
R: No! Wait until me and the Doctor are ready, then you can carry on.
B: (Looking at Yvonne.) Yep! She’s fainted, has anybody got something to wake her up?
R: I told you to be quiet! Now you’re going to have to repeat that line when the doctor comes back in.
D: (He comes into the front room carrying two ice - cream cones, he hands one to Rose, he sits down and they both start to lick them.) You can start again.
B: (Looking at Yvonne.) Yep! She’s fainted, has anyone got something to get her up?
R: (Standing up in anger.) Get! Get! You idiotic old man! It’s wake her up! Wake her up!
B: Okay, I’ll try again.
R: Good. (She sits back down and continues to lick her ice - cream.)
B: (Looking at Yvonne.) Yep! She’s fainted, has anybody got something to wake her up?
O: I killed you. I killed you.
D: (Growing angry.) Can you stop repeating that line? Say something else. And stop backing up against the wall, you’re going to make a hole in it!
O: Okay, I’ll do something different.
R: (Talking to The Doctor.) How comes you couldn’t make any sausages then?
D: (Talking to Rose.) I couldn’t cook any sausages because I only had one condom.
R: (She finishes her ice - cream.) What do you mean, only HAD one condom?
D: I used it in these ice - creams.
R: Ahhh! Well, I did like it, so I can’t complain.
D: That’s good then.
O: I’ve thought of a line.
R: (She looks at Owen, so does The Doctor.) Go on then.
O: (He takes a mobile phone out of his pocket, he dials a number, and puts it to his mouth.) Help me.

Scene 6

Characters: Gwen, and Captain Jack.

(Captain Jack is driving the van, Gwen is sitting next to him.)

CJ: So, Owen should be around here somewhere.
G: Oh yes, find the house with the parked car through the front of it.
CJ: Very good idea.
G: (Points at a house.) There it is!
CJ: No Gwen, that’s the Ideal Home Show. Cars through the front of your house is the fashion this year.
G: Oh, I need one. (She takes her mobile phone out of her pocket.) I’m gonna phone Reece. (Her phone rings, she answers it and puts it to her ear.) Ouch! (She takes it away from her ear.) I think it’s Owen, he’s asking for help.
CJ: Ask him where he is.
G: (She puts the phone back to her ear and speaks into it.) Where are you? (She nods and looks at Jack.) At Yvonne’s house.
CJ: Yvonne, Yvonne who?
G: (She talks into the phone.) Yvonne who? (She talks to Jack.) Yvonne Hartman.
CJ: Yvonne Hartman! I know where she lives. (He spins the wheel quickly and Gwen falls over, she loses hold o her phone and it goes out of an open window.)
G: My mobile!
CJ: I’ll buy you a new one.
G: Make sure you get it before our date.
CJ: Any sort of phone you want?
G: A mobile one, and make sure there’s a car parked out of the side of it, that’s the fashion.

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, and Owen.

(The Doctor and Rose are sitting down on chairs, Bilis is on the floor next to Yvonne who is still blacked out, and Owen is standing against the wall with a mobile phone in his hand.)

D: Help me! Help me! That is the worst line I’ve ever heard, and I’ve been to Romeo and Juliet, that had better lines!
O: Shall I insult Bilis?
D: Yes, that would be great.
O: Okay. (Talking to Bilis.) You’re old.
R: Dun, dun, dun.
D: I never knew.
B: (Getting to his feet, as he gets up he uses Yvonne’s face to pull himself up.) Well you’re a tramp.
R: Dun, dun, dun.
D: I never knew.

(Yvonne wakes up.)

Y: What’s going on? Where am I?
B: You’re at your house, Owen just blew up your potatoes because you were going to make potato cakes.
Y: (Standing up.) Oh yes, well, I’ve got some spare ones in the cupboard.
D: Why couldn’t we have them before?
Y: Because there is only one hundred in the cupboard and you needed sixty.
R: Let’s have them anyway.

(The Doctor, Rose, Bilis, Yvonne, and Owen all go into the kitchen, Yvonne opens a very small cupboard and potato cakes fall out all over the floor.)

Y: Enjoy yourselves.
(Everybody bends over and starts eating the cakes, Yvonne takes one bite, she coughs and falls to the floor.)

Y: Ouch! Ouch! (She holds her chest.) It hurts!
D: (He goes to her.) She’s having a heart attack.
Y: Help me! Get an ambulance!
R: I’ll use my mobile phone. (She takes a mobile phone from her pocket.)
O: Me too. (He takes a mobile phone from his pocket.)
B: I’ll use the normal phone. (He goes to the front room.) Found it!
Y: Quick! Help!
D: It’s okay. (he tries to sit her up, she keeps falling over.)
Y: Help!
R: (She’s talking into the mobile phone.) Yes, ambulance, where? Erm. (She looks to Yvonne.) Where do you live?
Y: Sixty six Apple road!
R: (She speaks into the mobile phone .) Sixty six Apple road. Thanks. (She puts the mobile phone away I her pocket.)
O: (He is talking into the mobile phone .) Thank you. (He puts the mobile phone away in his pocket.)
B: (Walking back into the kitchen.) I’ve phoned the fire station.
D: Fire station?!
B: Is there a problem?
D: Where’s a fire?

(Bilis points to the front room, one of the potatoes has set the curtain alight and the sofa is starting to catch fire.)

Sir Leopold

Episode 4 : TARDIS Takeover

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, Owen, Ambulance man 1, 2, and 3.

(Yvonne is laying on the kitchen floor, holding her chest, The Doctor, Rose, Bilis, and Owen stand around her.)

Y: Are the ambulance here yet?
D: Soon Yvonne soon. (He pats her hand.)
B: What about the fire engine? We need them.
Y: This is killing me, and you dad, all you can think about are me pink curtains I ordered from the Torchwood online catalogue.
O: I’ll check if any of them are here yet. (He goes to walk off but Rose stops him.)
R: You aren’t going anywhere. We still need you for questioning. (She holds his arm.) You’re staying.
B: I’ll check then. (He walks off.)
O: (He looks at Rose’s hand very erotically.) How about you question me in the bedroom, you know, remove some of my clothes if I don’t talk?
R: (She slaps him.) No! I’m dating the Doctor.
O: (He uses her arm to pull her towards him, he kisses her, she pushes him back.) You know you want to?
R: (She kicks him in the crotch, he holds it and falls to the floor.) You know I want to do that. (She laughs a little.)
O: Ouch, I need an ambulance.

(Bilis walks back in with Ambulance man 1, 2, and 3.)

B: There were only the two ambulances, no fire engine yet.
A1: (He goes to Yvonne.) By any chance, are you the one having a heart attack?
A2: (Also going to Yvonne.) Let’s get her in the ambulance.
A1: Why?
A2: She’s the one having the heart attack.
A1: Oh. Okay then. Let’s lift her. Get on that side. (He points to the opposite side of her to the side that he is on.)
A2: (Goes to the other side.) Three, two, one, and lift. (They lift Yvonne and carry her out of the house.)
A3: (Goes to Owen.) Are you okay? Does your nose hurt?
O: (He holds his crotch, and says to ambulance man 3 in a sarcastic voice.) Yes, my nose hurts, quick help me.
A3: Is it broken. (He taps Owen’s nose.) Doesn’t seem it. Is it bleeding. (He pokes his finger up Owen’s nose, he takes it out, nothing is on his finger.) No, it doesn’t seem to be bleeding, are you sure it’s hurt?
O: (In an angry voice.) It’s my crotch you idiot! It hurts.
A3: Okay then, come with me, it could be broken. (He helps Owen up and they walk out of the house.)
R: (She looks at The Doctor.) Couldn’t you use your sonic screwdriver?
D: Of course I could. I just don’t like flashing it around, others may get jealous.
R: True, I’m starting to want one. (She turns coy.) You know Doctor, we are in this house all by ourselves?
D: Yes we are.
R: We’re all alone. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
D: Yes, of course.
R: Great!
D: Let’s get the TARDIS back. (He runs at Rose, grabs her hand and pulls her out of Yvonne’s house.)

Scene 2

Characters: Captain Jack, and Gwen.

(Captain Jack and Gwen are in the van, they drive to Yvonne’s house just as the Doctor and Rose can be seen running off down the road, they pull up.)

CJ: Owen should be inside.
G: Let’s go.
CJ: Don’t get out yourself, let me help you.

(Captain Jack gets out, closes his door, goes round to Gwen’s side, opens her door, let’s her out, closes her door and they walk into Yvonne’s house.)

CJ: This is nice, I wished I lived here.
G: It is nice. (She kicks a potato that was on the floor, they are no longer alight.) Except for all of these potatoes and the burning curtain and sofa.
CJ: Yes. It is a bad choice of style. If the fire was put out it would be much better.
G: (She nods in agreement.) Yes. Should we put the fire out?
CJ: Why not.
G: I’ll use a fire-putter-outter-beam.
CJ: What’s one of them?
G: I’ll show you.
CJ: Where is it?
G: It’s in my handbag.
CJ: What handbag?
G: The one I always carry around, but I always hide it behind my back so no one sees it. (She puts a handbag down on the non-burning sofa. She opens it and takes out one of the small bottles she used in episode 1 scene 7. She sprays it on the fire, and it goes out, she throws the can aside.)
CJ: I thought you ran out of them cans?
G: So did I. But I checked and I still had two left at home, so they are in my handbag. (She closes her handbag and hide sit behind her back, it is unseen.)
CJ: Look at that new laptop, that could have been burnt without us.

(The camera faces a laptop on a table next to the sofa, the top is slightly open, and the power light is green.)

G: Let’s see what sites Yvonne has been on.
CJ: Let’s.

(They open the screen and lean in.)

G: Ooh! (She is shocked.)
CJ: M God, I used to be gay, and even I didn’t think of them sort of things.
G: My god, look how long it is. What will it ever fit in?
CJ: Even the Doctor’s isn’t that big.
G: And you’ve felt his one, haven’t you?
CJ: No, I only saw it, oh, wait, I did touch it, I even got to use it.
G: My God!

(The camera leans in on the screen and it shows the Torchwood online catalogue, Yvonne was ordering a pink sonic screwdriver.)

CJ: No one uses this site.
G: Yvonne does.
CJ: And so does Owen.
G: What did he buy from it?
CJ: That necklace around your neck.
G: Ahhh! (She pulls the necklace off, it brakes and she throws it away.)
CJ: Where is Owen anyway?
G: I don’t know.

(They look around the room.)

CJ: Let’s go upstairs! (He smiles.)

Scene 3

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Owen, Nurse 1 and 2, and Doctor 1 and 2.

(Yvonne is on a stretcher and there is Doctor 1, and Nurse 1 around her, she is still having a heart attack.)

Y: Help me. Help me!
D1: Don’t worry, we’ll sort it out, what’s your name?
Y: Yvonne, Yvonne Hartman!
D1: Okay. (He talks to Nurse 1.) Bring the anaesthetics.
N1: Here it is Doctor. (She hands Doctor 1 a syringe fall of a purple liquid.)
D1: Thank you nurse.

(He goes to eject Yvonne, the camera moves to show Owen coming through the door on a stretcher.)

O: Yvonne!

(Yvonne is now asleep and is being wheeled away by Doctor 1 and Nurse 1.)

O: Help me.

(Doctor 2 and Nurse 2 come over to Owen)

D2: What’s wrong?
O: My cock is killing me.
N2: (She giggles.) Can I take a look?
O: Why?
N2: I need to see how big it is.
D2: (He is angry with Nurse 2.) No you don’t.
N2: Okay, I’ll tell you the truth, I may need to remove it. (She takes a sharp pair of scissors out of her pocket.)
O: No, no, I feel fine now actually.

(Owen quickly swings his legs off the stretcher and hits Nurse 2 in the face, she falls over.)

N2: Ouch! Ouch!
O: Sorry. (He gets off the stretcher and runs off.)
D2: Wait!

(Owen looks around to laugh at Doctor 2, but he crashes into a wheelchair and hits his crotch on the armrest, he holds his crotch, and falls over.)

Scene 4

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, and Policeman.

(The Doctor and Rose are at the place where the TARDIS is and policemen walk around.)

D: (Whispering.) Be careful Rose that we don’t see that policeman that thought I had a weapon, and you were assaulting Bilis.
R: (Looking around.) I’ll keep my guard.
D: I thought the TARDIS was meant to have been blown up by now. Let’s ask someone. (He walks over to the Policeman and taps him on the shoulder, the Policeman turns around.) Wasn’t this meant to be blown up? (The Doctor points at the TARDIS.)
P: It was, but some idiot stole the bomb and so we need a new one.
R: How long is that going to take?
P: Hours, days, weeks, who knows? These bombs take ages to get, and that fool that stole one is probably a terrorist about to blow up some building.
D: Which building?
P: The best shop ever. (Pause.) Joe’s doughnut shop on elm tree road.
D: I know who took your bomb.
P: No you don’t. (He turns back round, then quickly turns back.) Who?
D: Owen, Owen Harper from Torchwood.
P: We can’t go against Torchwood.
D: The Cardiff Torchwood.
P: (He becomes angry.) I’ll tell the boss. (He walks off into the crowd of policemen.)
R: (Whispering to The Doctor.) What’s going to happen?

(A roar is heard from the policemen in the centre of the crowd, then all of the policemen run off, leaving The Doctor, Rose, and the chained TARDIS.)

Scene 5

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, and Fireman 1 and 2.

(Captain Jack are Gwen are in Yvonne’s front room.)

CJ: Are we going upstairs or not?
G: Only if we can steal something.
CJ: That’s why I wanted to go upstairs in the first place.
G: That’s okay then. Let’s go.

(Captain Jack and Gwen go into Yvonne’s bedroom.)

CJ: I wonder what we are going to find in here.
G: I can’t wait to see. (She opens Yvonne’s wardrobe and begins looking through.)
CJ: What are you doing?
G: I was going shopping today, and because I can’t now, I’m doing a little bit of shopping in Yvonne’s wardrobe. I need some new clothes for our date tonight.
CJ: Yes, you do. All this talk about clothes has made me thirsty. I’ll make us some drinks. (He runs down the stairs into Yvonne’s kitchen where he looks at the potatoes.) That’s another style choice I wouldn’t have had. (He kicks some of the potatoes out of the way so he can get to a cupboard, he opens the cupboard and there are ten bottles, each one a different colour and a label on it, Captain Jack reaches in, takes one out and reads the label.) Potato juice, no thank you. (He puts it down and takes out another one to read.) Eau de potato, also a rubbish flavoured drink. (He puts it down and takes out another.) Poison á la poison. I don’t understand German so I don’t have a clue what this one means. I’ll ask Gwen, she studied Chemistry.

(Gwen comes into the kitchen with six shopping bags fall of clothes, each one has the word MORRISONS written on it.)

G: I’m ready when you are.
CJ: We will leave once I’ve had a drink, Gwen, you’re good at Catering, what does Poison á la poison mean?
G: I’m no good at Latin, I don’t have a clue.

(Suddenly Fireman 1 and 2 run into the kitchen.)

F1: Where’s the fire?
G: There isn’t a fire.
F2: Are you sure mam?
CJ: She’s right, there is no fire, but while you’re here Mr policeman sir, can you tell me what Poison á la poison means?
F1: Sir, do you know it is a criminal offence to lie to an emergency service?
CJ: I’m not lying, that’s what it says on the bottle. (He shows Fireman 1 the Poison á la poison bottle.)
F2: That’s it, off to prison for you two.

(Fireman 1 grabs Captain Jack, he drops the bottle and is carried away, Fireman 2 grabs Gwen, she drops her shopping bags and is carried away.)

Scene 6

Characters: The Doctor, and Rose.

(The Doctor and Rose are standing by the chained TARDIS.)

R: Well, the police are gone, how are you going to get inside the TARDIS with all these chains on it?
D: You’re forgetting something.
R: Ooh, don’t tell me, erm, you have a chainsaw in your pocket.
D: Close enough. (He takes the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and waves it.) Sonic screwdriver.
R: I was so close.
D: (He points the sonic screwdriver at the chains, the sonic screwdriver beeps and the chains burst.) Shall we? (He walks inside the TARDIS.)
R: Wait for me. (She follows him inside.)
D: Where shall we go? (He walks around the main control centre.) Nothing seems to be damaged, I’ll be surprised if they even came inside.
R: Why would they blow it up if they didn’t know what was inside?
D: I don’t know. What do you think I am, a doctor or something?
R: I mean this is only an old phone box, why wouldn’t they put it in a museum?
D: Shall we find out?
R: How are we going to do that?
D: Let’s pay Harriet Jones a visit.

(He switches some buttons, pulls levers, and presses flashing lights and the engines sound as the TARDIS disappears and re-appears in a posh waiting room, people are walking around until they see the TARDIS and they run over to it.)

D: I hope we didn’t attract attention. (He walks to the TARDIS doors.)
R: No, I bet we didn’t. (She follows him to the door.)
D: (Opens the door for Rose.) Ladies first.
R: (Walks out.) Why thank you.

(The Doctor and Rose walk into the waiting room and a crowd of people surround the TARDIS.)

D: Oh hello, we’ve come for the…the…
R: Magic show.
D: Yes, the magic show. (He taps the TARDIS.) With magic I can make this box appear and disappear before people’s eyes.
R: Wasn’t it the best trick ever?

(The people all clap.)

D: Stop your clapping.

(The people stop clapping.)

D: We are here to put on a magic show for the Prime Minister because it’s…it’s…
R: Her birthday.

(The people clap once again.)

D: Okay, thank you, bye. (He waves as he walks into the TARDIS.)
R: Thank you! Thank you! We’re here until Tuesday. (She walks into the TARDIS and closes the doors.)

(The TARDIS engines sound again and it disappears from the waiting room and re-appears in a corridor, the people get back on with their lives as though it never happened.)

D: Here we are.
R: Do you think it really is Harriet’s birthday?
D: I doubt that.

(They walk out into the posh corridor, it ends at a wooden door, on the door is a sign reading “Happy Birthday Prime Minister.”)

R: I guess it is her birthday.
D: It must be, let’s go in. (He walks to the door and opens it.)

Scene 7

Characters: Owen, Policeman 1 and 2, and Doctor 1 and 2.

(Owen is on a hospital bed with plasters budging his crotch out to about 20cm, Doctor 1(male) comes over to him.)

D1: How are you Mr Harper?
O: I’m fine now, what actually happened in the operation?
D1: Well, we shaved off all of your pubic hair, and implanted a pain receiving device into the bottom of your penis.
O: What for?
D1: So it will never hurt again.
O: That sounds a little useful. (He whispers.) Is there any scaring?
D1: (In a very loud voice so everybody can hear.) No Mr Harper, there is no scaring to your penis!

(Some people walk pass and laugh loudly.)

O: (Angry) Why did you say that so loudly?
D1: (Just as loud as before.) I didn’t speak about your penis very highly!

(Some more people come past and laugh.)

O: (Very angry.) Be quiet doctor, or I’ll have you fired.
D1: (Still loudly.) No, I’m sorry, you can’t get me fired over the size of your penis!

(Loads of people laugh and a crowd has collected around Owen and Doctor 1.)

O: (Pulls Doctor 1 close to him and whispers in an angry voice.) Stop it or I’ll complain to management.
D1: (Steps back, disgusted, and says in a loud voice.) No Mr Harper! I don’t want gay sex with you in an operating theatre.
O: (Pulls Doctor 1 back and whispers angrily.) I’ll have you killed if this goes on.
D1: (Steps back again, disgusted.) No way! I’m still not having sex with you, even if you use a syringe.

(The crowd laughs and Doctor 2(male) comes through the crowd and stands next to Doctor 1.)

D2: Is there a problem?
O: Yes, this doctor thinks I want to have sex with him and a syringe.
D2: Well, do you?
O: Of course not?
D2: Well that’s good. (He holds Doctor 1’s arm.) Because he is my boyfriend.

(The crowd of policemen come through the door and see Owen.)

P1: (Points at Owen.) There he is, get him!
P2: Charge!

(The policemen run towards Owen.)

Scene 8

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Harriet Jones, and Margaret Blaine.

(The Doctor and Rose walk into the office, no on is there, they look around.)

D: I wonder where Harriet Jones is?
R: I don’t know.
D: I’ll look in her desk. (He walks over to her desk and sits in the chair.) I feel so powerful.
R: What’s in her drawers?
D: Which ones?
R: The drawers in her desk, I’m not talking about her underwear.
D: Let me look. (He opens the top drawer and removes a piece of paper, he reads it.) Date, nineteenth January two thousand and seven, the coal mine will regain power tomorrow after a stop of six months. (He throws the paper on the floor.)

(Suddenly, the office door opens and Harriet Jones runs in with her clothes all ripped. She slams the door and runs over to hew desk.)
H: Who are you?
D: We just want a few questions answered.
H: You’re going to have to wait.
R: Why, is the man that ripped your clothes off in a raping attempt more important?
H: I wish it was a man.
D: Who is it?

(The door suddenly opens and Margaret Blaine walks in, her left arm one green, slitheen claw.)

Sir Leopold

Episode 5 : Several Slitheen

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Harriet Jones, and Margaret Blaine.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet Jones are all behind the desk as Margaret Blaine is at the door with her left hand as a Slitheen claw.)

H: Help me!
D: You’re the Prime Minister, you’re the one with the important briefcase, can’t you help us?
H: No, I don’t have the important briefcase.
D: Well, who does then?
M: (Holding up a red briefcase in her right hand.) I have the briefcase.
R: Oh my God, she has the important briefcase with the important papers, England is lost.(She panics and runs around in circles.)
M: I know, with this briefcase I can control England and take all of its money for my family.
D: What do you want money for? You’re an alien, don’t you want to blow up the Earth, or eat everybody? By the size of your belly I guess you would want to eat everybody.
M: No, it’s almost my brother’s birthday and I need to get him something special, I think a coalmine in the Horsehead Nebula will do him fine. And now that I’ve got the briefcase I can do anything. (She waves the briefcase around and it opens, a sandwich, apple, orange, can of coke, chocolate bar and bag of crisps fall out onto the floor.) What?! Where are the important papers?
H: You’ve got the wrong briefcase, that is my lunch briefcase.
M: (Drops the empty briefcase and shows her claw.) So where is the important briefcase?
H: I’ll give it to you, just don’t use your claw. (She bends down and from underneath the desk she pulls a purple briefcase.) Here it is. (She throws it at Margaret, Margaret catches it.)
M: Why thank you, now I’ve got the briefcase of power I can control England. And Harriet, I am going to kill you. (She waves her claw around.)
R: You are so stupid, everybody knows you don’t give them the briefcase. (To the Doctor.) This Harriet Jones is a right moron.
D: You’re telling me. Even the Moxx of Balhoon, the Prime Minister of Earth in sixty-six-slash-one-thousand-slash-chocolate chip cookie-slash-six point two wasn’t that stupid and he was blind for that year.
M: And now to look at the important papers. (She opens the briefcase and it explodes, she also explodes and melts to a green pool of slime all over the food.)
H: Now my lunch is ruined.
R: I thought that briefcase had all of the important papers in it?
H: No, that was the bomb briefcase, the real important case is secret.
D: Where is it?
H: In my top drawer. (She taps the top drawer of her desk.) Here.
R: Wow, blowing things up, even the Doctor can’t do that.
D: Yes I can, my sonic screwdriver can do anything. I just haven’t uploaded that function into it off the Torchwood Online catalogue yet.
H: Did you say Torchwood Online Catalogue?
D: Yes, it’s a great website to get all the new sonic screwdriver upgrades from.
H: I hate it, that catalogue is selling every piece of alien technology we’ve ever found, soon, everybody will be able to do anything. I need it shut down for good, gotten rid of from existents.
D: Where don’t you ask the police, can’t they help you stop it?
H: No, Torchwood made a law stating I can’t touch anything they wish to do.
R: What law would this be then?
H: Law six-point-two-slash-pencil-slash-six-slash-bar-slash-sixteen.
D: What Torchwood are you talking about?
H: All of them. Every Torchwood has a part in the Torchwood Online Catalogue, that’s how they can deliver the items very quickly and to every part of the world.
D: I can stop Torchwood for you. As long as you let me keep my TARDIS and all my alien technology.
H: Of course. Mr…Mr…what’s your name?
D: Just the Doctor, and this is my companion, Rose Tyler.
R: Doctor, we can’t stop Torchwood today, wait until tomorrow.
D: Why?
R: Our date is in two hours, and I’ve got to get ready.
D: Two hours! (He is surprised.)
R: I know, what cheek? I did want three but you were to busy saving Harriet Jones, is she more important to you?

Scene 2

Characters: Bilis Manger, Receptionist, and Mrs Peace.

(Bilis Manger is in a waiting room, people are walking around and a Receptionist is at her desk, Bilis walks over to her.)

B: Excuse me, but can I see my daughter, she’s out of theatre now?
R: Do you mind?
B: Do I mind what? If it’s about the time I’ve been waiting, then yes, yes I do mind.
R: No, I don’t care about the time you’ve been waiting, I want to know if you mind that I’m on my tea break?
B: Sorry, when will you be off your tea break?
R: I don’t know, about two minutes.
B: Okay, I’ll be back then.

(Bilis sits down on his chair as the Receptionist types into her computer.)

R: Wow! Wow! I need one! Ooh! Ooh! Wow! Even Lucy hasn’t got none! Yes!
B: (Calling over to her.) What’s that?!
R: (Calls over to Bilis.) None of your business old man!
B: (Still calling.) I take offence to that!
R: (Calling to him as she types into her computer.) Make all complaints to Reception.

(Bilis walks back over to the Receptionist.)

B: I have a complaint to make.
R: Do you mind?
B: What?!
R: I’m still on my tea break, go away.

(Bilis goes back to his seat and sits back down.)

R: Okay, everybody, I’m off my tea break!

(A crowd of people run and push past each other to get to the Receptionist, Mrs Peace is at the front of the line.)

P: Can I see my son, Mr Redpath his name is?
R: Do you mind?
P: What? You’re off your tea break.
R: I know, I’m now on my coffee break. Go away everyone!

(Everyone goes back to their seats and sits down, as Mrs Peace walks off she holds her chest.)

P: I’m having a heart attack, help me, quick help me!
R: Sorry, you are going to have to wait, I’m still on my break.
P: Good bye world. (She screams and is still, dead.)
R: Be quiet, I’m on my break!

(Bilis walks back up to the Receptionist.)

B: Am I ever gong to be served?
R: You are getting very annoying.
B: So are you, but you don’t see me complaining.
R: You did earlier, wanted to put in a complaint you did.
B: Serve me or else.
R: I’ll serve you a dinner plate.
B: What?!
R: A dinner plate. (She shows that she has a china dinner plate in her hand, she smashes it over Bilis’s head, he falls to the floor with a cut in his head.)

Scene 3

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Doctor 1, and Joseph Green.

(Yvonne is in a hospital bed with tubes connecting her to machines, Doctor 1 is beside her.)

D1: The operation was a success, your heart is fine again, but stay off the potatoes and cakes for a while and you should be fine.
Y: Okay, because I can’t have potatoes anymore, could you take my handbag please?
D1: Why, what is in it? (He bends over and picks up a small bag with “Torchwood” written on it.) Can I open it?
Y: Yes, of course, but be careful, there isn’t much room in this hospital ward.
D1: I’m sure there isn’t that much in here. (He opens the bag and potatoes fly out for at least thirty seconds, they fly everywhere and coat the floor of the hospital ward and the beds, Yvonne is still visible.) Why have you got so many potatoes in such a small bag?
Y: It’s a TARDIS handbag, from the Torchwood Online Catalogue, it’s bigger on the inside. And it’s still not empty, in the right corner there are some left. I’ll get them out for you. (She pokes the right corner of the bag and more potatoes fly out, the stacks are as high as Doctor 1’s knees and Yvonne’s face is the only part of her that can be seen because of the potatoes all over her bed.)
D1: Is that all of them miss? Or does your magic bag contain more potatoes?
Y: Well, there are a few left in the left corner, shall I get rid of them? (She goes to touch the bag, but Doctor 1 quickly pulls it away.)
D1: No thank you! There are enough potatoes here to flood Buckingham Palace. (He storms off through the potatoes.)
Y: I wonder what his problem is?

(Joseph Green ‘walks’ through the potatoes and over to Yvonne.)

J: Hello, are you Miss Hartman?
Y: Yes I am. Are you here about the mess of potatoes because they aren’t mine, they’re the Doctor’s.
J: Very good. (He farts.) I’ll be back soon. (He farts again, and walks off, the camera follows him as he walks in the toilet and into one of the cubicles, he locks it and a blue, flashing light can be seen through the gap between the door and the frame around it.)

Scene 4

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, Assistant Commissioner Strickland, and Adeola.

(Captain Jack and Gwen are in a prison cell.)

CJ: I don’t believe this. Us. We’re Torchwood, we’re above the police, and we can still be arrested, what cheek.
G: Complete cheek, I lost all of my shopping because of them firemen, those clothes cost loads.
CJ: But you didn’t pay for them.
G: I know, they must have cost Yvonne loads, I don’t have any nice clothes to put on at our date now.
CJ: We may not even be going on that date if we’re still in here. Unless you want to count this as a date?
G: No, I think this is more of a meeting, mostly because I’m not wearing any new, nice clothes.
CJ: Is a meeting almost a date?
G: It’s six one hundred and twentieths of a date actually, didn’t you take physics for GCSE?
CJ: That’s okay, only nineteen more trips to prison and we’ve been on a date.
G: If we’re here any longer I’ll count that as enough meetings to equal a date.
CJ: But, I would much prefer to go to McDonald’s and eat there, I’ve heard they do a new mega McBurger.
G: I love McDonald’s, I was looking forward to getting a MegaMcChickenSuperGigaBurgerWithMegaOnionsAndLettuce meal.
CJ: (Walks over to the prison bars.) Can someone help us?

(Assistant Commissioner Strickland walks over to the prison bars.)

S: Is there a problem sir?
CJ: Yes, I’m the head of Torchwood, get me out of here right away.
S: Of course sir, I had no idea you ran Torchwood. (He gets out a set of keys and goes to undo the lock, but then he looks at Captain Jack.) What Torchwood are you head of?
CJ: The Cardiff one.
S: (Putting the keys back into his pocket.) Okay then, I’ll sort this out in my office.
CJ: Well hurry up, I’ve got to be out of here for a hot date at eight o’clock.
S: I’ll be as quick as I can be sir.

(Assistant Commissioner Strickland walks off and the camera follows him as he goes into an office with a sign on the door saying “Big Fat Boss”, he looks around his office.)

S: Victory should be naked. (He puts his hands to his head.)

(The camera now shows that Adeola is in the office.)

A: I don’t want to see you naked at work, I thought you were coming round mine tonight for that sort of thing, don’t worry now. (She walks out, completely discussed.)

(The camera stays on Adeola and as she walks out she leaves the door open a little and a blue, flashing light can be seen through the gap.)

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Harriet Jones, Indra Ganesh, and General Asquith.

(The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet Jones are in in the Prime Minister’s office.)

R: Are we going then Doctor? I need to do my hair, my eyelashes, and my lips, my make-up takes hours and hours if I do it right.
D: Well, you’ve only got two hours, so don’t do it completely right, just so you look a little better than you do now.
H: Bye then, come back soon. Next time you come, phone ahead and I’ll have some tea and scones ready.

(The door opens and Indra Ganesh walks in.)

I: Prime Minister, General Asquith is here to see you.
H: Good, sent him in, Doctor, won’t you stay for this meeting, it’s about the Torchwood Online Catalogue? It’s the nineteenth meeting so you’ve missed quite a bit.
D: Yes, go on then, I’ll stay for one little meeting. How long do they take?
H: No very long, only about four hours each.
R: But we haven’t got time, I need my make-up.
D: Go into the TARDIS, there’s some in there.
R: Where abouts , it’s huge in there?
D: Okay, into the main control room, take the left door, down the corridor, just past the box of pornography magazines, take the door on the right marked ruler storage, then through that room, an into the room called freezer supplies, down the corridor and you’ll end up in a room marked deadly room of aliens that have been locked away because they are so deadly, and in that room on the top shelf underneath the freezer you’ll find a box of make-up, Sarah Jane Smith left it behind.
R: Okay, I can remember that. But I couldn’t right it all on my hand quick enough so I missed bits out.
D: Okay, which bits?
R: The directions, and what the rooms were marked.
D: Oh, so no important details then, that’s alright.
R: I’ll be back later. (She runs off out the door and the camera follows her as General Asquith is walking along, he goes into the Prime Minister’s office.)
A: Hello Harriet, ooh, alteration, wow, how funny. (He laughs and then farts.) Sorry, excuse me, I had a curry for breakfast.
H: Can you leave us please Indra, and fetch us some tea and scones will you?
I: Of course Prime Minister. (He leaves the room.)
A: (Farts.) Sorry again, can I just borrow your W.C?
H: Of course, the toilet is where it always is.
D: (To himself.) Oh, W.C is a toilet, not West Cardiff like I always believed.

(The camera follows General Asquith as he enters the toilet and the blue, flashing lights can be seen between the door and the door frame.)

Scene 6

Characters: Rose.

(Rose is in the TARDIS main control room.)

R: Now, what did the Doctor say, oh, I can’t remember, I’ll use my old trick, I’ll guess, well, that tactic did get me a D in maths, much better than that pregnant teacher, so, I’ll go right. (She goes through a right door into a corridor.) Now where, I’ll just keep walking forward. (She walks forward.) Now, I should see a waste bin, or something like that down here. (She walks up to a wooden crate.) This must be it. Now, what’s inside? (She looks inside and pulls out a hand full of lollipops.) Well, I must be on the right path, lollipops never lie. (She carries on walking down the corridor.) There should be a door here somewhere. (The corridor ends in a door.) I must walk through this door. (She walks through the door.) Now, I must keep going until I see a black bag full of curtains, or something along them lines. (She walks down the corridor.) There should be a door soon marked Woolworths. Now, where is it? (She walks along and stops by a bag full of walking sticks.) Wow, these could be useful. (She takes one.) Now, what would I use it for? (She pokes it up her skirt and keeps pumping it up and down.) Oh yes, yes, this is great, yes. (She stops.) Wow, that is great at scratching legs, I’ll keep it. (She puts it in her left hand and walks along with it, the corridor ends in a room marked “Daleks-Never Open This Door- No Don’t- I Mean It!”) Wow, this must be where the make-up is. (Rose opens the door.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sir Leopold

Episode 6 : Slitheen Slaughter

Scene 1

Characters: Rose, Red Dalek, and Dalek 1, 2, and 3.

(Rose is running down the corridor of the TARDIS, behind her a line of Daleks lead by the Red Dalek are coming out of the opened room.)

RD: Come back little girl!
D1: We’re only going to exterminate you.
R: (Stops by the bag of walking sticks.) I’ll exterminate you. The Doctor doesn’t need to be here for you to die.
RD: How can you stop us? We are all-powerful!
D1: All-powerful!
D2: All-powerful!
D3: All-powerful!
RD: You have no weapons, give up, become one of us, we can transform you, you can be all-powerful, it’s a great life, you get everything you want for free, all you have to do is exterminate the person stopping you.
R: Well, then you’re going to have to exterminate me. (She picks up a walking stick and holds it like a baseball bat.) Because I’m the person stopping you. You shall not pass! (To herself.) Oh! I always wanted to say that.

(The Daleks have stopped moving and the Red Dalek is about a metre away from her.)

RD: Allow us to pass. Or else we’ll exterminate you. (The gun aims at Rose.)
R: Exterminate this! (She smashes the walking stick into the Red Dalek’s gun, the gun breaks in half.)
RD: Ahhh! My gun! If I could love, then I would have loved that gun.
R: Come on! (She holds the walking stick like a baseball bat again.) I’m getting that make-up, even if I have to kill all of you pepper pots.
D1: Make-up?
D2: Make-up?
D3: Make-up?
RD: What is this make-up you speak of?
R: You know? Make-up. The stuff you put on your face.
RD: You mean a mask?
R: No! it’s stuff like lip-stick.
RD: Is it a type of glue?
R: No! Lip-stick is a colour that you put on your lips.
RD: Are you talking about paint?
R: No! There’s also mascara.
RD: Is that a type of weapon? I need one of these mass-scaring weapons, where can I get one of these?
R: It’s in the make-up room.
RD: Where is this make-up room you speak of?
R: In this TARDIS, somewhere.
RD: TARDIS! Ahhh!
D1: TARDIS! Ahhh!
D2: TARDIS! Ahhh!
D3: Ahhh! TARDIS! Oh, wait, I got that the wrong way around, let me try again. TARDIS! Ahhh! Yes, now that was correct.
R: Yes, that’s where we are, we’re in the TARDIS.
RD: So the Doctor must be near! Come on Daleks! Find and exterminate the Doctor!
D1: Exterminate!
D2: Exterminate!
D3: Exterminate! Yes, I got it right again, I’m good at this.
R: Well, you’re gonna have to get through me first.
RD: But you only have a walking stick, my weapon is so much better. (The sucker slowly extends to Rose’s face.)
R: No you don’t. This face is truly beautiful. (She uses the walking stick to smash the sucker.)
RD: Ahhh! My sucker!
D1: Ahhh! His sucker!
D2: Ahhh! His sucker!
D3: Ahhh! His sucker! Yes, right again, I’m absolutely fabulous. I could get the hang of this repartition stuff.
RD: You are very strong young woman. But without your sticks of pain you are nothing.
R: These sticks of pain are the strongest thing in this corridor.
RD: Not any more. Daleks, fire at the pain sticks!

(Dalek 1 shoots his gun at the walking stick Rose is holding, it turns to ash, then Dalek 1 shoots the bag of walking sticks and that turns to ash.)

R: Ahhh! I have no weapon. But you, Mr red Dalek, also have no weapon.
RD: How do you know I’m a Dalek?
R: I watched it on the Torchwood Online Catalogue, they have loads of these episodes from some television show, you lot are famous.
RD: Yay. Anyway, I’m still going to kill you.
R: How? Your gun and sucker are both gone, how do you hope to damage me in anyway?
RD: I till have one function that was never used before because some Daleks believed it too powerful to use, but I am the one Dalek to finally use it.
R: Ahhh! This power sounds so mighty, but what is it?
RD: I suggest you start running if you want to live.
R: Why, what is this very super power of your’s?
RD: Raminate!
R: Ahhh! (She runs down the corridor, the Red Dalek follows at about half her speed.)
D1: Followinate! (Dalek 1 follows the Red Dalek and so do the rest of the Daleks, out of the room, about twenty Daleks come out.)

Scene 2

Characters: The Doctor, Harriet Jones, Indra Ganesh, and General Asquith Slitheen.

(The Doctor and Harriet Jones are in the Prime Minister’s office.)

D: So, about the Torchwood Online Catalogue, what do you want me to do?
H: Close it down, I’ll give you warrants, weapons, money! All I need is their main headquarters in London’s computers destroyed, and please, don’t kill anyone, I don’t want to go through all that covering up again.
D: Can I take a look at this Torchwood Online Catalogue?
H: Of course, there’s a laptop on my desk. I’m already logged on, just close down the page of shopping, and look at the online catalogue.
D: Thanks Harriet. (He sits down at the desk and opens the laptop, he types into it.) Harriet, why were you buying a rocket launcher advanced mega 66?
H: Oh! That wasn’t me. Now just look at the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
D: Okay, let me just see why this catalogue is so special. (He types some more.) Oh! Wow!
H: What?! (She runs over to the Doctor.) What?! Have you closed it down?
D: No, of course not, I’ve found the sonic screwdriver upgrades section. (He takes then sonic screwdriver and removes the bottom end from it, there is a USB plug there, he insets it into the laptop’s USB port.) I’ll just get a few of these.
H: You’re supposed to be closing it down. Not helping yourself.
D: Yes, I know, but these upgrades could help me.
H: Go on then, name one function that could help you?
D: Ooh! Flamethrower function. I’ll have that. (He clicks a laptop button and the sonic screwdriver’s blue light begins flashing.)
I: Where do you want these Prime Minister?
H: On that table. (She points to a table surrounded by a few settees.)
I: What’s he doing Prime Minister?
H: He’s helping me destroy the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
I: Oh yes, that’s definitely what it looks. It doesn’t look like he’s downloading things from it.
H: Will you just put them down.
I: Oh course Prime Minister. (He walks over to the table, puts the tray down and sits on one of the settees.)
D: Oh yes! Ice-cube function. (He reads from the screen.) Any sonic device will turn liquids into ice-cubes in two seconds with this function. (He stops reading.) I’ll have this one. (He clicks a button and the sonic screwdriver’s light flashes blue.)
H: Are you almost finished Doctor?
D: I’ll be ready when Rose comes back. We can go on our date then. (He looks at Harriet.) Aren’t you mean to be in a meeting?
H: Oh yes, where has General Asquith gotten to? Indra! Have you seen General Asquith?
I: No Prime Minister. (He gets up.) I’ll check. (He leaves the room.)
D: Yes! Painting mode, I could paint walls and floors very quickly, I’ll love that. (He clicks another button and the sonic screwdriver’s light flashes.)
H: Are you almost finished now?
D: Is Rose back?
H: No.
D: Well that answers your question.

(Indra runs in, his clothes are all torn.)

H: Whatever happened Indra, did you have another accident with the hand dryer?
I: I found Asquith, but he’s not himself.
H: How do you mean not himself?

(The door smashes open and General Asquith Slitheen appears.)

S: Well hello Prime Minister. I’ve come for a little game. (He waves with one of his claws.)
H: What game are you talking about? If you’re talking about poker, then I’ll get my special alien set from the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
S: Yes Harriet, I’ve come for a game of poke her. (He makes a poking movement with the claw.)
H: Fine, Indra, get the alien cards for poker.
I: Of course Prime Minister. (He goes to her desk.)
D: (Standing up and facing General Asquith Slitheen.) What are you here for?
S: I have come to rescue the rest of my family.
D: And where are they?
S: They are locked up on this planet. It is terrible for them, they only get six square meals a day, it is like death to them.
D: Wow, that’s harsh. Where are they?
S: Torchwood.

Scene 3

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, Policeman 1, Owen, and Sip Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen.

(Owen is in handcuffs, his crotch is still budging and Policeman 1 is walking him around.)

P1: All we got to do is check you in with Strickland and we’ll have you in a cell for ages.
O: How long?
P1: About two days.
O: No! I need them days, I still want to do so much with my life, please, I can’t do that long.
P1: You did the crime.
O: What did I even do? I was in hospital, what could I have done in hospital? Please, please tell me.
P1: I’ll let Strickland go over the details. Just as soon as we get you to his office.

(Policeman 1 and Owen are about to walk past the cell that Captain Jack and Gwen are in. Captain Jack comes to the bars.)

CJ: Policeman! When will Strickland be back? I need to get out of here.
P1: I don’t know, let me sort out this lawbreaker first.

(Owen comes into view of Captain Jack and Gwen, Policeman 1 and Owen stop.)

G: Owen! Wow! Your cock seems a little different! Have you had your pubic hair shaved? Or cut?
CJ: Gwen! You’re going out with me. Don’t get interested in other men!
G: Oh yeah, sorry Jack.
CJ: Policeman. Let us out, me and Gwen have a date in about an hours time.
P1: Sorry, I can’t help.
O: But I can. (He uses his budge to whack Policeman 1 in the crotch.)
P1: Ouch! (He falls to the floor and blacks out.)
O: Quick, Jack, get the sonic screwdriver from my pocket. (He stands up against the bars.)
CJ: Of course. (He takes the sonic screwdriver out of Owen’s pocket and beeps at the cell bars, they fall off.) Come on Gwen.
G: Thanks.
O: Now, get my handcuffs off.
CJ: Of course. (He uses the sonic screwdriver to remove the handcuffs.)
O: Thanks.

(Gwen and Captain Jack leave the prison cell and stand with Owen.)

CJ: So when did you have surgery on your penis? Wanted to make it bigger did you?
O: No, Yvonne Hartman was having a heart attack and I decided I wanted some fun with Rose, and she kicked me in the cock. I had to go to hospital, I don’t even know why I’m in here.
G: Don’t worry, Owen, I’m here now.
CJ: You’re going out with me, don’t go back to him, he buys things from the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
O: You two are together now, since when? I thought you were gay Jack?
CJ: I was gay, but Gwen showed me that see is much better than any man.
G: And we’ve got a date at eight. So we better get going.
CJ: Yes, let’s go.

(Captain Jack and Gwen go to walk out, but the doors to the police station close and lock.)

G: We’re trapped. Ahhh! Help me! Please someone, help me.
CJ: Don’t worry, I’ve got a sonic screwdriver, I’ll just unlock these doors. (He goes to use the sonic screwdriver to open the door, but Sip Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen, runs past and grabs it, he breaks the sonic screwdriver.)
S: So, Torchwood, how all you? (He looks at Owen.) Have you had surgery on your penis to make it bigger?
O: No! Is everybody gonna ask me that? I had an operation.
S: What was the operation for? To make it wider?
O: No! Just stop talking about my penis.
S: Okay. (He looks at Captain Jack and Gwen.) o, how do you hope to get out without your device?
CJ: I’ll use my sonic blaster. (He uses a small, silver gun to shoot a blue beam at the door, and the door disappears.) Run Gwen!
G: I’m running.

(Captain Jack and Gwen run out of the police station as Sip Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen follows them, Owen remains in the police station.)

Scene 4

Characters: Bilis Manger, Receptionist, Yvonne Hartman, Lift Voice, and Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen.

(Bilis is lying on the floor of a storeroom, it is quite dark, and cardboard boxes and papers litter the floor.)

B: Where am I? What was I doing? I can’t remember. (He looks around.) Is this a storeroom? But, what storeroom? In my younger days I had sex in many different storerooms, but never in this one.

(The Receptionist walks in.)

R: You’re awake then? It took you ages to wake up, most people I hit with random objects only black out for ten minutes, you’ve taken half an hour.
B: It’s my age. (He stands up.) Am I still in the hospital?
R: Yeah, this is the basement storeroom, do you know how hard it was to drag you down here? I had top leave my computer.
B: You weren’t doing anything interesting anyway.
R: Yes I was, I was buying some sonic lipstick from the Torchwood Online Catalogue, it was half price, so I bought five of them.
B: (Rubs his back.) My back’s killing me.
R: Oh, that’s how I got you down the stairs. I pushed you down them, it was too hard to carry you.
B: That’s it, I’m seeing my daughter. (He pushes past the Receptionist and walks into a dark corridor.)
R: Just push past me then. These old men have no respect.
B: Don’t you have a job to be getting back to?
R: Do you mind? This is my hot chocolate brake, and this is how I normally spend it, unless I’m on the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
B: Where’s the lift?
R: You’re so old, you didn’t even realise them on the way down here.
B: That’s because you knocked me out, and then pushed me down the stairs.
R: Well, I don’t know where the lift is.
B: I’ll look myself then. (He walks off into the darkness.)
R: Don’t fall down any more stairs!
B: I won’t! (He falls down some stairs.) Ouch!
R: You fell down some more stairs, I’ll turn the lights on for you.

(The lights turn on and Bilis is in front of the lift.)

R: Oh, darn, I shouldn’t be helping, I’m on my brake.
B: I’ll take this lift. (He goes in and he presses a button.)
LV: Well done, you have pressed the button to see your daughter.
B: Wow, these lifts are good.
LV: Going up.

(The lift goes up, Bilis pats his pockets.)

B: I’m going to see my daughter and I haven’t even got any flowers, or chocolates, or even a card, I’m such a bad father.

(The lift stops, Bilis walks out, potatoes flood the floor of the lift.)

B: Now, where is my daughter?
LV: Your daughter is on your left.
B: Thank you. (He turns to his left and Yvonne is in here bed there.) How are you?
Y: Dad, I’m fine.
B: What are all these potatoes here for?
Y: Some new fashion. What?!
B: Yes, what is the big what for?
Y: You haven’t got me any flowers, or chocolates, or even a card. You’re such a bad father. Ahhh! Look out behind you!

(Bilis turns around, Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen is there.)

J: Well hello, what, you haven’t got any flowers, or chocolates, or a card for me? Wow, that is naughty. (He moves his claws.)

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Harriet Jones, Indra Ganesh, Asquith Slitheen, Rose, Red Dalek, and Daleks 1, 2, and 3.

(The Doctor, Harriet Jones, Indra Ganesh, and Asquith Slitheen are all in the Prime Minister’s office.)

D: So you want your family out of the Torchwood prison?
A: Yes, that’s all I want, then we’ll take everything of value from this planet and leave it.
H: How many of you are there in the Torchwood prison?
A: Not as many as there used to be, now there’s only around one hundred of them.
I: And there used to be more?
A: Of course, a load of them starved because of the lack of food in that prison. That’s why, Prime Minister, you’re going to get all of them out or else I’m gong to kill you.
H: But I can’t do anything to Torchwood. Doctor, please, you get them out, please help me keep my life.
D: I’ll try. (He sits at the desk and types at the laptop.)
H: So, Asquith, are you still up for that game of poker?
A: Of course, but I’m dealing!
I: Please, Prime Minister, and General Asquith, sit over here.

(Asquith Slitheen and Harriet Jones sit around the table that did have the scones on it, but now there’s a deck of cards and piles of red and black poker chips.)

H: Red chips are one pound, and black chips are five pounds. Deal the cards.
A: Of course.(He shuffles the cards and deals some out to him and Harriet Jones.) Okay, I bet two chips.
H: I’ll match your two chips.
A: Okay, so, the first card is turned over. (He turns over the top card of the deck.) It’s a Graske.
H: Ahhh, that’s not helping me, oh well, I bet two black chips.
A: Me too. (He turns over another card and puts it next to the Graske card.) Yes, a Matron Casp. That’s helping me. I’ll bet another twenty black chips.
H: I’ll match.
A: And the next card is… (He turns over another card and places it next to the Matron Casp card.) An editor.
H: Yes, I bet all the rest of my chips and my necklace!
A: I’ll bet the rest of my chips as well, and my spaceship.
H: Oh, I’ll match your spaceship with my Government!
A: Sounds fair to me.
H: Throw down your cards.
A: Of course. (He lays down his cards.) One pair, the Graske and the Graske in my hand, and a high card, I’ve got a TARDIS in my hand.
H: Yes! I win! (She throws down her cards.) I’ve got two pairs, I’ve got a Matron Casp in my hand, and another editor!
A: No!

(Suddenly, Rose runs into the room, and over to the Doctor.)

D: Where’s your make-up? The date’s in an hour, and you don’t look like you’re wearing any make-up?
R: No, I couldn’t find it, I went into the wrong room.
D: Where did you go?
R: I can’t remember what it said on the door, the sign was too long. It was by a bag of walking sticks.
D: No, please, no, please say you haven’t!

(The Red Dalek and Daleks 1, 2, and 3 enter.)

RD: Find the Doctor, and kill him. Where is the Doctor?
D: (Aims sonic screwdriver at the Daleks.) Get back into your prison!
RD: No! You locked us up Doctor, and for that you will be exterminated. Exterminate!
D: (Beeps the sonic screwdriver.) Just try and exterminate me.

(The Daleks fire at the Doctor.)

D1: Exterminate!
D2: Exterminate!
D3: Exterminate!

(The beams bounce off an invisible shield around the Doctor and Rose and one beam bounces and hits the poker chips, Asquith Slitheen gets up, angry.)

RD: So Doctor, you use a shield to protect yourself.
A: I’ll kill you!

(Asquith Slitheen raises his claw and runs at the Red Dalek, the Red Dalek shoots him, his bones show as he screams, and dies.)

RD: What a stupid alien. He has no intelligence. Now, Doctor, see if your shield can protect you from this.

(The Daleks move towards the Doctor.)

D: What are you doing? You can’t hurt me or Rose, we’re protected!

(The Red Dalek stops by the laptop.)

RD: Can your shield protect you and your girlfriend from this? (His sucker extends to the laptop.)
D: What is that going to do?
R: Help me Doctor! Save me!
H: And me!
I: And me!
D: Okay, I’ll save all of you, get behind my shield.

(Harriet Jones and Indra ran and hide behind the Doctor. On the laptop screen, numbers start very quickly flashing up.)

D: What are you doing?

(The numbers stop.)

RD: Releasing every alien in Torchwood’s prison.

(The Doctor runs to the window, Daleks fly around, Cybermen match, and Slitheen run, all coming out of Torchwood’s main base.)

RD: Protect yourselves from all of them.
D1: Ha, ha, ha.
D2: Ha, ha, ha!
D3: Ha, ha, ha!

Scene 6

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen.

(Yvonne Hartman lays in bed, Bilis is next to her, and Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen stands in front of them.)

Y: Just leave me alone! Whoever you are, I’ve had a heart attack, and he’s an old man, we’ll die to easily!
J: I know, but your bones are still strong, they’ll make a nice sound when they’re snapped.
B: Get away from my daughter, oh you’ll have to go through me. (He shields Yvonne.)
J: You couldn’t stop me, you’re so old, my sandwich box could kill you. You have no strength at all.
Y: Dad, don’t get yourself killed, just run, I can protect myself, you can’t.
B: I know I can’t, I’m too old, but my shield generator will. (He presses one of his shirt buttons.)
J: And what has that done? Is that some sort of code in bingo, pressing your shirt button?
B: I don’t play bingo, I prefer more painful games like monopoly, and blackjack.
J: How are those games painful?
B: You probably haven’t played the new painful versions, they come with two loaded guns and a spear. Now, they are painful.
J: As painful as this?!

(Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen jumps forward and slashes at Bilis, but as his claw is about to hit Bilis, it sharply bounces back and Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen falls to the floor.)

B: I told you I had a shield. You aliens never believe us humans.
Y: When have you meet aliens before Dad? You’ve never said anything about it.
B: I just wanted to sound tough, now, be quiet Yvonne, and let the grown-ups talk.
Y: Sorry Daddy.

(Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen gets up.)

B: Now, what is it that you aliens want? There must be a reason why you’re on this planet.
J: Yes, I need my family released from prison.
B: What prison?
J: Torchwood prison, now, let me speak to Yvonne Hartman, I’ll see her about this matter.
Y: Move aside Dad, I’ll talk to the alien.

(Bilis moves aside.)

J: I’m not just an alien, I’m Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen. One of the Slitheen family.
Y: So, how do you expect me to release your family from prison? You can’t just ask me.
J: I know, that’s why I’ve got two other brothers, and my sister to see other important people of this country, oh, and Wales as well, because Sip is seeing Captain Jack of the Cardiff Torchwood, Blon and Asquith are seeing Harriet Jones, and I’m seeing you, and Bilis Manger.
Y: How do you know my Dad’s name, he doesn’t do anything important? And I’m not getting them out!

(The device on Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen’s neck flashes and Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen looks up, ignoring everything, Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen screams and then he smiles. The device stops flashing and he looks at Yvonne Hartman.)

J: My sister’s dead, but now you, Yvonne Hartman don’t need to get my family out of prison, because they are already out!

(He runs off, out of the building.)

Scene 7

Characters: Sip Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen, Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen, Slitheen 1, and 2, Blue Dalek, and Dalek 1, 2, and 3.

(Blue Dalek and an army of Daleks are moving down a long road.)

BD: Firstly, we must find our enemies, and exterminate them all!
D1: Exterminate!
D2: Exterminate!
D3: Exterminate!
BD: Then, we’ll find my brothers and leave this planet and go to the God!
D1: Find the God!
D2: Find the God!
D3: Find the God!
BD: Find my brothers!

(The Daleks move faster, but an army of Slitheen led by Sip Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen and Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen come around the corner and stop in front of the Daleks, both armies stop.)

BD: What is the meaning of this?! Move, our I will kill all of you!
J: I don’t think we will move, because we need to get past you!
BD: Where are you going?! Tell me, or I’ll exterminate you!
D1: Tell him!
D2: Tell him!
D3: Tell him!
S: We’re going to Torchwood, so we can get our spaceship.
S1: So move!
S2: Yeah, move strange metal things!
BD: No! You will move!
D1: Move!
D2: Move!
D3: Move!
S: No, come on Jocrassa Fel Fotch Pasameer-Day Slitheen, we can take them. They don’t even have any weapons, they’ve got a sink plunger, and a whisk, what are they going to do? Cream us a together and make a cake, I don’t think so.
J: I see what you’re saying. Let’s attack. Slitheen! Charge!

(The Slitheen raise their claws and ran at the Daleks.)

BD: Exterminate!
D1: Exterminate!
D2: Exterminate!
D3: Exterminate!

(The Daleks shoot all of the Slitheen, and kill them all.)

Sir Leopold

Episode 7 : The Invisible Incinerator

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Harriet Jones, Indra Ganesh, Red Dalek, and Daleks 1, 2, 3, and 4.

(The Red Dalek is in front of the Prime Minister’s desk, and on each side, and behind the Red Dalek is a normal Dalek, The Doctor, Rose, j, and Indra Ganesh are all behind the desk, a light blue shield around them.)

R: Doctor, the shield’s getting stronger.
D: That’s fine, it’ll be harder for those Daleks to get to us.
RD: Are you finished Doctor?
D: Oh, yes, please d go on.
RD: Good, so Doctor, can you see what I’ve done? I have released the Dalek armies, this way we will survive forever.
D: What do you mean “survive”? You’re already surviving, there’s four of you in front of me and armies outside, and no human can kill you, won’t you survive forever anyway?
RD: We are still being killed.
D: How are you being killed?
RD: Every now and then a Dalek just disappears, it turns into dust and is gone.
D: I’ve never seen that.

(Dalek 4 enters the room, it turns it catches fire and explodes.)

H: That ruined my carpet!
RD: See what I mean?!
D: Did that Dalek just come in here so you could prove your point?
RD: Of course, you wouldn’t have believed me otherwise.
D: True, it was a good example.
R: Doctor, how comes you don’t give examples like that?!
D: I don’t have an army of Daleks under my control.
R: Well, get some then.
D: Okay.
RD: So you see Doctor, we need the commander to exterminate this invisible threat and move to take control of the world, by killing every human on it.
D: Just humans?
RD: No, we’ll exterminate all plants.
R: But rose is a plant.
RD: Then you’ll be exterminated twice!
R: How is that possible, I can only die once?
RD: We’ll bring you back and exterminate you again.
R: How are you going to bring me back?
RD: We can use our reviver function and revive anything.
R: (Whispering to the Doctor.) Doesn’t that mean that they can revive each other?
D: (Also whispering.) Yes, but we won’t tell them that.
RD: And we’ll exterminate every…every… (He looks to the other Daleks.) What else is there?
D1: Dragons!
D2: Fish!
D3: Daleks!
RD: Yes Doctor, I’ll exterminate every dragon, and all the fish and every Dalek. (Pause.) Wait a minute! Daleks?! No, no, I won’t exterminate all of them.
D: Is that everything?
RD: Erm, I think so.
R: What about aliens!
D: (Whispering to Rose.) Yes, but I wasn’t going to remind them of that one.
R: Oh, sorry.
D: And every alien, except Daleks! I think that’s fair.
D1: Very fair!
D2: Very fair!
D3: Very fair!
I: Sorry to interrupt this very stimulating conversation, but Doctor, aren’t you going to get rid of these “Garlics”?
R: They’re called “Daleks” not “Garlics”.
I: Who cares? Just get rid of them.
RD: We care, now Daleks! Ready pulse beam transformation cannon exterminate device six-point-two-one-recurring to the power of pi!
D1: Charging!
D2: Charging!
D3: Charging!

(Daleks 1, 2, and 3 put their suckers onto the Red Dalek.)

RD: Stimulating gun! (The Red Dalek’s gun rises a little.)
R: Doctor, what are they doing?!
D: Cleaning the Red Dalek. His paintwork is rusting a little.
R: Is that really what they’re doing?
D: No, I wouldn’t have thought so. I’ll ask. Red Dalek, what are you doing?
D1: Stimulating at thirty-three percent.
RD: Yes. Gun stimulating has increased! (The Red Dalek’s gun rises a little more.)
I: Charging? What are you charging for?
D: And you still haven’t answered my question!
RD: I’m not going to!
D2: Stimulating at seventy-eight percent.
RD: Excellent! (The Red Dalek’s gun rises a little more.)
D: What are you doing?!
H: I don’t think they’re going to tell you.
R: Yeah, thanks for that, I’m sure the Doctor already knew that.
H: Well sorry, the Doctor doesn’t seem in control of the situation.
D3: Stimulating at one-hundred and three percent!
RD: It doesn’t go that high.
D3: Oh, sorry, stimulating at one-hundred percent.
RD: Fire pulse beam transformation cannon exterminate device six-point-two-one-recurring to the power of pi!
D: Get down!

(The Red Dalek’s gun glows red, The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet Jones all duck behind the desk, Indra Ganesh still stands.)

I: I though we were safe behind this shield?!
RD: Fire!

(The Red Dalek’s gun fires, the beam is red, and about four times the size of a normal Dalek Beam, it hits Indra Ganesh, and his body flashes as the X-ray, then normal, smoke is everywhere, but Indra‘s body is not there.)

Scene 2

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, Yellow Dalek, and Daleks 1, 2, and 3.

(Gwen and Captain Jack run into an alleyway, they stop and Gwen sits on the ground.)

G: I think we lost him.
CJ: I think we lost him about twenty minutes ago, when he saw some more of them green creatures and he walked over to them and shouted at us “I give up, you’ve lost me”.
G: Oh, yeah I remember that now.
CJ: Well done. So, where are we going now? London’s covered in all sorts of strange aliens, and we’re stuck in an alleyway. There’s no way we can get back to Cardiff.
G: Do you know where all the aliens are coming from?
CJ: It could be an invasion. We haven’t had one of them in a while.
G: So they’re coming from space.
CJ: Probably not. Let’s have a check. (He pulls his shirt sleeve down a little to reveal a watch-like object, he opens the top, it’s a small computer, he taps some of the buttons, and it beeps three times, he closes the lid.) Canary Wharf.
G: Is that a zoo or something? I thought Torchwood was somewhere else?
CJ: According to my mega small power scanning device, Torchwood always been there.
G: Are we going there?
CJ: We’ll have to really. Let’s go.

(Captain Jack and Gwen run out of the alley onto the street. A Yellow Dalek, and Daleks 1, 2, and 3 come up behind them an stop.)

YD: Who are you? I demand to know.

(Captain Jack and Gwen turn around to face the Daleks.)

CJ: I’m Captain Jack, and this is Gwen.
YD: Daleks, are these humans dangerous?
D1: Checking internal human class data, zero, one, one, zero, one, zero, one, zero, zero, one, zero, pi, zero, one. Data found. Captain Jack Harkness died years ago, and then he died again, and once more, then a few more times.
YD: And the girl!
D1: She is Gwen Cooper, she never lived.
G: What do you mean “I never lived”?
YD: The data scan shows no information on you, therefore, you can’t exist. You were never born.
D2: Maybe the data is incorrect because she isn’t from around here.
YD: You could be correct. Check the human girl again!
D1: Checking.
D2: Checking.
D3: Checking.
YD: Hurry up!
D1: Zero, one, one, zero, one.
D2: One, zero, zero, zero, one.
D3: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, one.
CJ: (Whispering to Gwen.) Let’s run while they’re scanning.
G: (Whispering to Jack.) Okay, but wouldn’t they catch us?
CJ: (Still whispering.) It’s worth a try.
G: (Whispering.) True.
YD: (Turning to face the three Daleks.) Hurry it up!
D1: Zero, one, one, zero, one.
D2: One, zero, zero, zero, one.
D3: Zero, zero, one, one, zero, one.
CJ: (Whispering.) Run towards Canary Wharf with me.
G: (Whispering.) Sure.

(Captain Jack and Gwen run off down the street, the Daleks do not realise.)

Scene 3

Characters: Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, Blue Dalek, and Daleks 1, 2, and 3.

(Bilis gets off his hospital bed and trips on the potatoes still covering the floor, he falls to the floor. Yvonne stands a few metres away from him.)

Y: Are you alright dad?
B: I think I may need a metal hip, but except for that, I’m fine.
Y: Oh, come here.
B: That may be a bit of a problem, as I can’t walk.
Y: Oh, yeah, sure.

(Yvonne runs over to Bilis and takes a sonic screwdriver from her TARDIS handbag, she points it at Bilis’s hip, it beeps, and Bilis stands.)

B: Thanks.
Y: I told you no to get back onto your bed, I knew something like this would happen.
B: Shall we get out of this hospital?
Y: Yes, I agree.

(Bilis and Yvonne slowly walk out of the building, they pass many dead bodies on the way out, but they do not pay attention. They stand on a road where there are loads of crashed cars and cracks everywhere.)

B: This city is very clean compared to Cardiff.
Y: Well, London is entering the Best City competition next year, I think it’s got a good chance.

(A Blue Dalek and Daleks 1, 2, and 3 lead an army of Daleks down the road, they stop and face Yvonne and Bilis.)

BD: Who are you?
D1: Who?!
D2: Who?!
D3: Who?!
Y: I’m, er, Gwen Cooper, and this is, er, Captain Jack. (She points at Bilis.)
BD: Are you telling the truth?
B: Of course she is, who do you think she is? Yvonne Hartman, or some idiot like that?
BD: Do not question my ability!
D1: Do not question!
D2: Do not question!
D3: No questioning!
D1: You said it incorrectly, keep with the script!
D2: There’s a script?
D3: There is no script, I do not follow lines! I am my own Dalek!
D1: No you are not, you will listen to the Blue Dalek!
D3: No I will not!
D2: There’s a Blue Dalek?
D3: Exterminate!

(Dalek 3 shoots Dalek 1, it explodes.)

D2: Exterminate!

(Dalek 2 shoots Dalek 3, but misses and shoots another Dalek, that one explodes.)

BD: Stop it!

(The Daleks begin shooting each other.)

BD: I’m escaping! Emergency Temporal Shift!

(The Blue Dalek vanishes.)

Y: Quick dad, let’s go.
B: Sure, let’s get out of here.

(Bilis and Yvonne run off while the Daleks continue to shoot and explode.)

Scene 4

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Harriet Jones, Red Dalek, Daleks 1, 2, and 3, and K-9.

(The Rd Dalek has just shoot Indra, and his body has disappeared.)

D: What was that?!
RD: His body has been moved to a location I will not tell you. It’s a safe place, where his body can be kept until it is useful.
R: Have you killed him?
RD: Of course, his body is only useful in a nonliving state.
H: You killed my servant.
R: He wasn’t really a servant though, was he?
H: He was as good as one.
R: Yeah, but people shouldn’t have servants.
RD: I agree with the human girl.
D1: She is correct.
D2: She has knowledge.
D3: She has intelligence.
R: Why thank you.
RD: She is correct because servants must be paid and are silly and stupid. Now, slaves are useful, you can beat them, and kill them when they are of no use.
R: That’s not what I meant!
RD: Then I disagree with you!
D1: She is incorrect.
D2: She has no knowledge.
D3: She has no intelligence.
D: So, anyway, where’s Indra?
RD: As if I’d tell you that there’s a secret Dalek base under Trafalgar Square.
D1: You just told him!
D2: He shouldn’t know!
D3: You have gone against the Dalek race.
RD: It was an accident! I did not mean it! If we kill the Doctor and his friends now, then they cannot stop us.
D1: Of course.
D2: That is what we shall do.
D3: Agreed.
RD: I think we should use the pulse beam transformation cannon exterminate device six - point - two recurring to the power of pi!
D1: Charging!
D2: Charging!
D3: Charging!

(All three of the Daleks put their suckers onto the Red Dalek.)

R: What should we do Doctor? This shield won’t stop the attack.
D: I know it won’t, but what an we do?
H: We could jump out of the window behind us.
D: No, you’ll break your back, and I don’t want to use the sonic screwdriver on you.
H: It doesn’t matter, I don’t like modern medicines, I only allow leaches on my body.
R: Yuck!

(Suddenly, Dalek 3 catches fire and explodes, its sucker is still on the Red Dalek.)

D2: What is happening?
RD: What is that fire doing there?

(Suddenly, Dalek 2 catches fire and explodes, its sucker is still on the Red Dalek.)

RD: Use your fire extinguisher!
D1: I do not have that upgrade!
R: Is that fire something to do with you Doctor?
D: Nothing to do with me.

(Dalek 1 explodes, its sucker is still on the Red Dalek.)

RD: Emergency Temporal Shift!

(The Red Dalek vanishes, while all the rest of the Daleks explode.)

D: They’ve all gone.
R: What happened?
H: Maybe it’s that invisible killer they said about that killed on of them before.
D: Could be, but I don’t know what it is, it could harm us.
R: Shall we get out of here?
K-9: It’s me master.

(K-9 appears in the centre of the room.)

D: K-9!
R: Hi again.
H: What’s that trash can doing on the floor in the centre of the room?

(The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet Jones walk over to K-9.)

D: What are you doing here?
K-9: I have come to help you, Sarah sent me, I used an Emergency Temporal Shift token, they’re available on the Torchwood Online Catalogue, master.
H: Don’t worry everyone, I’ll get rid of the talking trash can!

(Harriet Jones kicks K-9, she jumps back in pain, holding her foot.)

H: Ouch! That trash can is dangerous.
K-9: I am no trash can, mistress.
H: I need help, get me some leeches.
D: Sure.

(The Doctor use his sonic screwdriver to make three leeches appear on Harriet’s foot.)

H: Thank you.
R: So how’s Sarah?
K-9: My mistress is imprisoned.
D: By what?!
K-9: The Daleks.
D: Why?!
K-9: I have no idea, they must think you’re close to her.
R: Let’s rescue her.
D: Yes, we should.
K-9: I can show you the secret passage.
R: Thanks.
H: What about me? As soon as my leg’s healed, I’ll come.
D: Sure, we can use all the help we can get.
H: Great, I’ll get my walking stick in a few minutes, and we can be off.
R: What about our date?

Scene 5
Characters: Owen, Yellow Dalek, Daleks 1, 2, and 3, and Elton Pope.

(Owen stands in the destroyed police station.)

O: Gwen’s left me. She’s gone for Jack. How can she? She was mine! I’ll kill Jack if it’s the last thing I do!

(Owen walks out of the police station.)

O: Where would Captain Jack and Gwen have gone? They said something about a date. Where would Jack take someone for a romantic date? Probably McDonald’s or Burger King. I’ll check Burger King first.

(Owen walks down the road and is met by the Yellow Dalek and Daleks 1, 2, and 3.)

YD: What are you doing there, human?!
O: Going to Burger King.
YD: Who are you?
O: Owen Harper.
YD: So what are you doing?
O: Going to Burger King.
YD: Oh, so what are you doing?
O: Going to Burger King!
YD: You could have just said that, there’s no need to shout!
D1: Do not shout!
D2: Do not shout!
D3: Do not shout!
O: I’m going there to find Captain Jack Harkness.
YD: Captain Jack Harkness?
O: Yes, do you know him?
D1: Do not question!
D2: Do not question!
D3: Do not question!
YD: Captain Jack Harkness was scanned a while back by me, then he and some girl disappeared.
D1: It wasn’t you that scanned him!
D2: It was us!
D3: Me too!
YD: Okay, okay, my Daleks scanned him, and some Welsh girl.
O: That’ll be Gwen! What happened to them?!
YD: Do not shout! They disappeared! I turned around to face the Daleks, then about twenty minutes later, I turned back around, and they were gone.
D1: All the scanning was for nothing.
D2: It was a disaster!
D3: All it did was sharply reduce my batteries.
YD: Do you know where they are?
O: I think they may be at McDonald’s or Burger King.
YD: Where is that?!
D1: Tell us now!
D2: Tell us now!
D3: Tell us now!
O: There’s a Burger King around the corner, we should try there.
YD: To Burger King it is!

(The Yellow Dalek drives off for a few seconds, then comes back to Owen.)

YD: Where is it?
O: Follow me and I’ll show you.
YD: I do not follow humans! You do not command me!
D1: Do not give him orders!
D2: He does not listen to you!
D3: Do not command him!
O: Sorrrrrrrrrry!
YD: I will not let you lead the way! But cold you possibly walk in front of us, and we will go the same way as you?

(Owen walks down the street and the four Daleks follow him.)

YD: So what is Burger King?
O: It’s a fast food restaurant.
YD: Did you say a ‘blast food restaurant’? Do you shoot shelves pilled with food?
O: No, it’s a ‘fast food restaurant’, you get food quickly, and eat it quickly.
YD: What food can you buy?
O: Cheeseburgers, hamburgers, chips, nuggets, and all that stuff.

(Owen and the Daleks arrive at Burger King, they go in, it’s packed full of people. They go over the counter where Elton Pope is serving.)

O: I’m surprised this place is still open, with all this alien trouble.
EP: There are still many people that can’t be bothered to use their oven, or their ovens are broken. So, what do you want?
YD: Owen, I thought we were looking for Captain Jack Harkness?
O: We are, but I’m hungry, so we’ll get some food first, then look for him. Do you want some, I’ll pay?
EP: So, what do you want?
O: I’ll have a mega chicken meal.
EP: With what drink?
O: Diet coke.
EP: Sure, and your friends?
YD: I’ll have a ham - burner.
EP: A hamburger?
YD: No, a ham - burner! Like a sort of flamethrower.
EP: Okay, sure a ‘ham - burner’. And what drink?
YD: I also want to eat some golden nuggets.
EP: We only do chicken, I’ll put you down for them.
YD: And to drink I’ll have a dying bloke.
EP: A diet coke?
YD: No, I want a dying bloke!
EP: I’m sorry, you’re ordering things that don’t exist!
O: Don’t be stupid, blokes die all the time.
EP: But not in Burger King!
O: Yeah, but what about that bloke that had some fries that were poisoned?
YD: Exterminate!

(The Yellow Dalek exterminates Elton Pope.)

O: You can’t do that! Now who’s going to get my lunch?!
YD: He had nothing I wanted! (He faces the people eating.) Why aren’t you running?!

(The people do not move.)

YD: Charge pulse beam transformation cannon exterminate device six - point - two - one recurring to the power of pi!

(The three Daleks put their suckers onto the Yellow Dalek.)

D1: Charging!
D2: Charging!
D3: Charging!
YD: And kill all of the people that managed to get the food that they wanted!
D1: Exterminate, exterminate!
D2: Exterminate!
D3: Delete! Oops, exterminate!

(The three Daleks kill all of the people.)

D1: Device ready!
D2: Device ready!
D3: Device ready!
YD: Fire!

(A large yellow beam fires at Owen, an X-ray of his body shows, then smoke appears, and his body is gone.)

YD: Emergency Temporal Shift!

(The Daleks vanish.)

Scene 6

Characters: Bilis Manger, Yvonne Hartman, Captain Jack, and Gwen.

(Captain Jack and Gwen are running down a road, they slow down, and start walking.)

CJ: I think we lost them.
G: So do I, do you think they’re still scanning?
CJ: Could be, they didn’t seem very quick about it.
G: They were as quick as Owen in the bedroom.
CJ: Talking of Owen, do you think he’s still at that police station?
G: Maybe. (She laughs.)
CJ: Are you still up for that date?
G: Yes, McDonald’s was it?
CJ: Sure, there is one around here somewhere.
G: I wonder if it would still be open?
CJ: Probably, even in a state of emergency, people still want their mcnuggets and chips.
G: What sort of idiots would want fast food at this time?
CJ: We do.
G: Oh yeah, well, we’re not going for fast food. I want my burger to take forty minutes to get to the table, then I’ll take another thirty minutes to eat it.
CJ: I’m not sure if I want mine to take that long. I still want to do a bit of clubbing afterwards. At that rate we won’t have any time.
G: That wasn’t in our original plans! But, I wanted to go clubbing anyway. After that, should we take a stroll to Canary Wharf and see what’s going on?
CJ: Of course.

(Gwen takes Jack’s hand and they continue to walk. From an adjoining street, Bilis and Yvonne run at them. All four people fall to the ground, Yvonne’s TARDIS handbag falls back and six laptops fall out, each one is connected with wires to something in the handbag.)

G: Ouch!
CJ: Are you alright?
B: I’m fine.
CJ: I wasn’t talking to you!
B: Sorry!
Y: Hi Jack and Gwen.
G: I’m fine Jack. Hello Yvonne. Is your heart alright now?
Y: Should be, that was ages ago now.
B: This morning.
Y: Exactly.
B: So where were you two going in such a hurry? Crashing into us like that!
CJ: It was you Torchwood in the hurry, where were you going?!
B: I asked you first.
Y: Torchwood.
G: Why?
B: Because I’m quicker, and managed to talk before this captain!
G: No, no, I mean why are you going to Torchwood?
Y: I want to see what’s going on, and I ordered a pink sonic screwdriver from there. I’ve waited the two hours delivering time, but I still don’t have it.
G: When did you order it?
Y: Two hours and three minutes ago. Can you believe this rubbish service?
G: I hate that Torchwood Online Catalogue, and this Torchwood.
B: That’s where my daughter works!
CJ: I hate the catalogue, you can’t even get Dalek butlers from there.
B: Dalek butlers?
C: Yeah, you know. Daleks that have a silver tray instead of a sucker, and a whiskey pourer instead of a gun. They carry food and serve drinks, they’re great at parties.
Y: I’ve never heard of them.
B: Nor have I. They seem like a stupid invention to me.
G: I love them.
CJ: Maybe they’re just a Welsh thing.
G: Could be.
B: So, what were you two doing?
CJ: Lying on the ground.
Y: He means before we knocked you down.
B: You mean before he stupidly knocked us down!
G: Calm down!
Y: Calm down dad.
B: Don’t get into the gown-ups conversation dear.
Y: Okay daddy.
CJ: If you must know, we were off on our date.
Y: Ooh, anywhere fancy?
G: Only the greatest place ever.
Y: Potato Kingdom?
B: Mecca Bingo?
G: McDonald’s!
Y: (Disappointed.) They only sell one type of potato snack.
B: (Also disappointed.) They don’t even hand out rice puddings if you get a full mouse.
CJ: I’m not a bingo expert, but isn’t it a ‘full house’?
B: Probably, I just keep shouting it out for all the free puddings.
G: (Seeing the laptops.) What are they all about?
Y: (Packing them into her handbag.) Nothing.
G: How did you fir them all in that small handbag.
B: It’s a TARDIS handbag from the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
CJ: Yuk! Not that again.
G: Are we going on our date then?
CJ: Of course.
Y: I’ll come too, then on to Torchwood after.
CJ: After we’ve gone clubbing.
B: I’ll also come.
G: Come on then.
CJ: Just follow us.

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, K-9, and Harriet Jones.

(The Doctor inspects K-9, while Rose stands around and Harriet sits down with her leg up.)

R: But I want to get there before it closes, otherwise we’ll end up in some twenty - four hour diner where only tramps go.
D: And we don’t want to go to one of them now, do we? Mind you, there are some good diners on Mars in the year sixty - six- slash - bandit - slash - bank.
K-9: I remember that one, master. I wonder if they still sell ’hot K-9s’.
D: (Laughs.) That was funny.
R: What’s a ’hot K-9’?
D: Well, you’ve heard of a hotdog?
R: Of course.
D: Well, in that diner in the year sixty - six- slash - bandit - slash - bank, me and K-9 convinced the waitress they were called hot K-9s. A bit of psychic paper really helped that story along.
K-9: It said he was the health regulator and inspections master of Mars.
D: And they don’t even have one on Mars, this woman was thick.
R: Me and Mickey used to do stuff like that. We should go and see him.
D: I thought you liked me?!
R: I do, that’s why I want to go on this date, but you still haven’t got me any make-up!
D: Well, I would have got it, except I thought you’d get it without releasing a Dalek army. Come here.

(Rose walks over to the Doctor and he uses his sonic screwdriver on her face. She wears pink lipstick, mascara, blusher, etc.)

D: There you go, your face is beautiful.
R: Really? Is there a mirror?
D: I haven’t.
H: There’s none in this room.
R: They all cracked?
H: They did actually. Surprisingly every time I looked at them. I can’t imagine why.
K-9: I have a mirror, mistress.

(Out of K-9’s head comes a mirror on a thin tube. It rises to Rose’s face. She looks into it.)

R: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(The mirror cracks and brakes.)

H: Sorry, was that me?
D: What’s the matter?
R: You know I don’t like pink lipstick, it makes me look like I live in London!
D: But you do live in London.
R: Yes, I do, but I don’t wan to look like it. It gives the wrong impression!
D: And what impression would that be?
R: It looks like I go out with an alien!
D: You are going out with me!
R: Yes, but I don’t want it to look like that, it gives the wrong impression!
K-9: Does everything give a wrong impression, mistress?
R: No, only a few things. Now, Doctor, change my lips!

(The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to give Rose Slitheen lips.)

R: Yuk! This isn’t what I wanted! They’re all green!
D: Oh, sorry. (He laughs.)

(The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver again to give Rose a cyberman mouth.)

R: (In a cyberman voice.) Nooo! Not like this either!
D: Oh, sorry again. (He laughs.)

(The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to give Rose the Face of Boe’s mouth. It hangs off a foot each side of her face.)

R: This is CHILDISH! Let’s just go.

(Rose stomps over to the door, and as she leaves, her mouth gets stuck in the doorframe, she tries to get free, but cannot.)

Sir Leopold

Episode 8 : The Malfunctioning Machine

Scene 1

Characters: Red Dalek, Blue Dalek, and Yellow Dalek.

(It’s a large room full of machines, computers, and complicated projections. The Red Dalek appears in the centre of the room.)

RD: Where are the rest of my family? None of them are back.

(The Red Dalek goes over to a computer - like machine and puts its sucker on it.)

RD: They are both alive. One of them has a new body for us to use. While I’m on Google Earth, I could check were the nearest Toys ‘r’ Us is so I can get a present for my nephew. Ah, erm, oh, here it is, twenty - two miles away, I’m not going to bother going there, I’ll give the young Dalek a teaspoon, he’ll be happy with it. Now, while I’m on the internet, I’ll check my e-mails. (It reads.) Spam, spam, would up like to upgrade your contact lenses for only sixteen pounds? (It stops reading.) I do not wear contact lenses! Exterminate!

(The Red Dalek blows up the machine it was at. The Dalek goes to another and puts its sucker on it.)

RD: (Reads.) Call a plumber and get a free visit from a doctor. (It stops reading.) The only doctor I want to see is the Doctor, so I can exterminate him, and what would I need a plumber for, I have a sucker to help me, or I could just exterminate waste. Like this computer. Exterminate!

(The Red Dalek blows up the machine it was at. It goes to the next one, as the Blue Dalek suddenly appears in the centre of the room.)

BD: Hello Red. I am back.
RD: As I can see, hello. Have you seen Yellow?
BD: I have not meet Yellow, but I do know Yellow and his group of Daleks were scanning a few people.
RD: Just what I heard. So Yellow is still out in that devastation?
BD: It seems so. Do we have a host body?
RD: I harvested one, but it was inferior. Yellow transported a much stronger, more influential host body.
BD: Good, good. Who is it that will be processed by our master?
RD: A member of Torchwood.
BD: On yes! That’s power alright.
RD: Cardiff Torchwood.
BD: Oh no! That’s absolutely no power.
RD: Anyway, his name is Owen Harper.
BD: Never heard of him.
RD: Neither did I until Yellow transported him here.
BD: How long have you been here?
RD: Only a few minutes, my Temporal Shift took me to Pizza Hut, I had to get out while people were offering me buy one get one frees, and how about extra cheese on that. It was terrible. I shifted again and got here.
BD: This is also my second Shift, my first took e to a church. The priest was so boring, who cares about a big star and a stable. I exterminated him, and Shifted here.
RD: Good one, all priests deserve to die.
BD: (Looking around.) What’s happened here? Why are some of the gigafryinggigabiteanodes on fire?
RD: These stupid internet functions on them offered me stupid things, like plumbers, doctors, and upgraded contact lenses.

(The Blue Daleks shoots two more of the machines.)

RD: Calm down, calm down. Destroy any more gigafryinggigabiteanodes and we cannot help our master.
BD: Of course, but contact lenses! When will we want those?! It’s appalling!
RD: It annoys me as well, but calm yourself down, Yellow should be here soon, then we can get the host body.

(The Yellow Dalek appears next to the other two Daleks.)

BD: Talk of the devil.
YD: (Confused.) Devil?! Where?! Exterminate!

(The Yellow Dalek blows up the rest of the gigafryinggigabiteanodes.)

BD: Now how are we going to help our master?
RD: We’ll need more computers.
BD: This earth’s technology is at one-point-zero-one, we’ll be lucky to get wi-fi on our video game players.
YD: What’s happened?
RD: You just blew everything up!
YD: Oh sorry, I thought the devil was here.
BD: And you believe in the devil?
YD: Yes, some priest at some church was telling me about him.
RD: When did you go to church?
YD: My failed Temporal shift took me there. I exterminated him in the end though, he said killing was bad and I should be ashamed at myself.
RD: Good one, no priest should be alive in this age.
BD: But, Yellow, you destroyed all of our gigafryinggigabiteanodes, how can we revive our master now?
YD: I know where we can get some more computers.
RD: Where?
YD: At PC World, next to Burger King.

Scene 2

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, K-9, and Harriet Jones.

(Rose has still got her large, Face of Boe lips stuck in the doorframe.)

R: Help me, Doctor.
D: Pardon?
R: It hurts to talk, just help me.
K-9: She asks for help, master.
D: Okay, fine, I’ll help he but she didn’t say the magical word.

(The Doctor use his sonic screwdriver to give Rose her normal mouth, he also makes her bald.)

R: Thanks Doctor, now let’s go to that Dalek base, so we can finish and go on our date.

(Rose leaves the room.)

H: There’s something different about her, has she had her nails done? I’m not really sure what it is.
D: Are we going then?
K-9: Of course, master.
H: Can someone pass me a walking stick?

(Rose re-enters.)

R: Hurry up! This base won’t be destroyed with out us.
H: Have you got my walking stick, young girl?
R: Er, well. Yes, I have actually.

(Rose removes the cane from under her skirt and hands it to Harriet.)

H: It seems a little sticky, what have you done to it?
R: I, erm, spilt some glue on it.
H: I did that once, when I was younger, I remember it so well, for some reason, usually I forget things. Anyway, it was all over the Prime Minister’s desk.
R: Isn’t that your desk?
H: Yes it is actually, silly me. (She laughs.)
R: How long ago was this?
H: It must have been, er, erm, yesterday.
R: You said it was when you were younger. I thought you meant hundreds of years ago.
H: Don’t be silly, when I was younger, that would have been over a thousand years old.
K-9: I thought you were that old, my Age Detection Radar said so.
R: An Age Detection Radar?
K-9: From the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
D: What?! When did you get onto that Online Catalogue?
K-9: Sarah Jabe used it, master. She believes of strange things happening there. She ordered me a few upgrades, but they all come with a Firewire through the internet and the computer.
R: What do you mean, a few upgrades?
K-9: Well, I got other ones, mistress. Egg-frying mode, jumping mode, flying mode, window-cleaning mode, running mode…
H: Okay, okay, we get the picture. If you carry on, I’ll die before you finish.
K-9: But I was finished, that was all of them.
H: Oh, let’s go anyway.

(The Doctor, Rose, and K-9 leave the room. Harriet Jones gets up using the sticky cane, she walks a few inches, her hand slips on the cane, and she falls to the floor.)

Scene 3

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, Yvonne Hartman, and Bilis Manger.

(Captain Jack and Gwen are walking along the road, holding hands. Bilis and Yvonne follow behind them, not holding hands.)

G: Are we nearly there yet?
CJ: Shouldn’t be too long now.
Y: Are we nearly there yet?
B: Miles to go, we could take all day.
Y: Oh.
B: I’m not sure if me and Yvonne should even be going. My doctor said to keep my fat levels low, do they do salads?
Y: I think they do, but I’m not sure if I’ll be alright in there, as I already said, they only do one type of potato, it’s stupid. I would have expected them to go out of business by now.
B: True, all that fat and salt, I would have closed it down, and put a Mecca bingo up.
CJ: Are you two going to complain all the way? For the last five minutes you’ve been discussing bingo clubs.
B: Bingo is not what we were discussing.
G: I heard you say the word ’bingo’ at least two times.
Y: You need to get a hearing aid. We said ‘bongo’. We were discussing musical bands and how many of them don’t use bongo drums.
B: It’s stupid really.
CJ: What conversations do you have, it seems pretty silly to me.
B: You think that not using bongo drums is silly, thanks for backing up our argument.
CJ: I was saying your conversation was silly, I wasn’t backing either of you up.
Y: Well, our topic of talk is still better than what you and Gwen were talking about. Weevils, they’re just small bugs, no real damage t anyone, but you two are going on about how they kill.
B: As if that would happen.

(Yvonne and Bilis laugh.)

G: Weevils happen to be creatures with sharp teeth that prowl Cardiff, they can kill very easily.
Y: Big teeth, Cardiff, are you talking about the mayor of Cardiff?
CJ: No!
Y: Well, you must be making it up. I know of all important Torchwood files, and a being called a ’weevil’ is not on any of them.
B: What a load of rubbish.
CJ: Do you bother to examine all Torchwood documents, you would know?
Y: I have access to all Torchwood files. Some are believed untruthful, and so are destroyed.
CJ: Which ones?
Y: All ones that are not signed by me, or any well known Torchwood member.
CJ: Am I well known?
Y: Of course not! You’re from Cardiff. Those ones are burnt in the mail before they even arrive at the Torchwood Tower. I can’ t look at everyone, not with my busy day plan.
G: Like your day could be that action packed.
Y: You wouldn’t know.
CJ: Try us, what time do you get up?
Y: Around two o’clock.
B: Two o’clock! That’s very early if you ask me.
Y: Really? Most people say two o’clock in the afternoon is a little late. They say that I would miss breakfast and lunch.
CJ: So what time do you have breakfast and lunch?
Y: Breakfast at ten past two, then lunch at fifteen pas.
G: That’s too close to each other, how do you manage all that food?
Y: It helps to fill my belly up. Anyway, next in my day…
CJ: Oh, we’re here. Come inside, continue the story later on, Yvonne.

(Captain Jack and Gwen run inside, Yvonne and Bilis slowly follow.)

Scene 4

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, K-9, and Harriet Jones.

(The Doctor, Rose, and K-9 are in the TARDIS.)

R: What is taking Harriet so long?
D: She’s using a walking stick, but even a ninety year old grandma isn’t this slow.
K-9: I agree, master. Using my speed sensor function, I can tell you that Harriet is moving at zero miles per hour.
R: Wow, zero miles an hour, that’s almost jogging speed, isn’t it doctor?
D: A little off. K-9, where is Harriet?
K-9: Using my pin-pointing system, I can tell she is in her room, two inches from the armchair.
R: Hey, K-9, when you said that list of upgrades you had, ‘Pin-Pointing System’ wasn’t one of them.
K-9: No, I always had that ability.
D: You never used it.
K-9: You never asked for it, master.
R: Anyway, two inches, are you sure she hasn’t been jogging?
K-9: I’m sure, mistress. Two inches is not very far.
R: It is! It’s only about two inches from here to Spain, isn’t it Doctor? Back me up here.
D: No, I think it’s a little loner than two inches.
R: Ha, don’t help me, I’ll remember this in bed.
D: We’ve never slept together.
R: And don’t expect to! Not backing me up, I should dump you here, right now, but I won’t. I’ll wait until we’re outside of the TARDIS, then you’re gone!
D: I’m sorry. Now, thinking about it, it must only be two inches or so to Spain.
R: Thank you.
K-9: Master. I’m sorry, but it isn’t, there are actually many more inches from here to Spain, I’ll calculate. Calculating.

(The Doctor walks over to K-9 and kicks it.)

K-9: Calculation failed.
D: How sad, shall we go and see Harriet?

(The Doctor leaves the TARDIS, followed by Rose and K-9. They enter Harriet’s room to find hr unconscious on the floor, the walking stick in her mouth.)

R: Yuk! Yuk! She doesn’t want to know where that walking stick has been.
K-9: I shall re-create the events in my visual systems and tell you what happened. Visual Systems started. Harriet walked forwards, her hand slipped on the cane, it as wet. She fell to the ground, releasing the cane, that hit the ground, bounced up, hit her in the head and fell into her open mouth.
D: So the walking stick caused her to black out.
K-9: No, master. The cane caused her pain. She was still conscious after the events, she fell asleep two seconds later, however.
D: Now it makes sense.
R: So what are we going do?
D: We can’t carry her anyway, we’ll have to wait until she wakes up.
K-9: Systems show that she will wake up in forty hours.
R: We can’t wait that long! The Daleks will do something before then. And we’ll miss our date!
D: We haven’t got that much time, correct. K-9, can you make water, or do you have water stores?
K-9: No, sorry, master.
D: I’ll get a bucket of water to throw over her.
R: What can I do?
D: Brush your hair r something.

(The Doctor looks at Rose’s bald head and laughs, he leaves the room, quickly.)

R: K-9, do you have a mirror and a comb I could use?
K-9: You broke the last mirror, but I have many more, of course you can use them, mistress.
R: Can I use it now?
K-9: Oh, now. I thought you were just starting a conversation.

(Rose walks over to K-9. A mirror extends from his back, and a comb comes out of his head. Rose takes the comb and looks in the mirror.)

R: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

(The mirror smashes, Harriet wakes up.)

H: (He voice is a little muffled as the walking stick is in her mouth.)What’s going on?

(Harriet removes the cane from her mouth.)

Scene 5

Characters: Red Dalek, Blue Dalek, Yellow Dalek, and Policeman.

(The Red, Blue, and Yellow Daleks go down a road.)

RD: So, where is this shop?
YD: It’s around here somewhere.
BD: You’ve been saying that for the last fifteen minutes.
YD: Fourteen minutes actually.
RD: Does it matter? Each second we waste here wastes the time that our master could be alive.
YD: I am sorry.
BD: It wasn’t completely your fault, me and Red had already destroyed some gigafryinggigabiteanodes.
RD: I know! Contact Lenses?! What is this world coming to?! Please don’t remind me.
YD: I know, you’ll think they’ll use a mind probe ray and send you an e-mail about something you’ll want to buy.
BD: Like sucker upgrades.
RD: Yes, I’ll like one of those.
YD: I’ll buy you one for Davros day.
RD: That means I have to get you something.
YD: A broom would be fine.
BD: A broom?
YD: Yes, my floor gets a little dirty, and it’s very hard to exterminate dust and dirt.
RD: True, I’ll get you some chewing gum for Davros day.
BD: Why chewing gum?
RD: I could hand it out to people, but poison it first, and then they would fall dead in the street.
YD: Very good idea, what flavour do you want?
RD: Do you think they do Merriseemy berries here?
BD: I don’t think so, this planet’s technology levels are too low to even have the tools to farm them.
RD: Oh, well, I’ll settle with strawberry.
BD: I would very much like a new se of curtains.
YD: What would you wan those for?
BD: I only want a small set, a pair I cold hang over my eye.
RD: Why?
BD: I could close them when I go to sleep.
YD: What is sleep?
BD: It’s some thing these humans do to relax and recover energy.
RD: Oh, like charging up at a plug socket.
YD: That’s one thing they don’t have here, twenty-two pin plug sockets, I can never charge my batteries.
BD: I’ll get us all some adapters for Davros Day.

(The Daleks turn around a corner. A Policeman runs up to them.)

P: Excuse me, stop.

(The Daleks stop.)

RD: What is all this about? I didn’t know about that cocaine, I found it.
BD: That’s not what he’s here for.
RD: Oh, so what is this about then?
BD: We are busy!
YD: Hurry up!
P: You’re probably going to a Halloween party a little early. But you’ve entered the Congestion Zone, and must pay five pounds per vehicle, so pay up.
RD: What is a pound?
P: Don’t pay stupid with me, just pay.
BD: I think a pound is hitting someone.
YD: And he wants five of them.
P: Five from each of you.

(The Red Dalek hit’s the Policeman with his gun, the Policeman falls to the ground in pain.)

RD: Glad we could help.
YD: We’re in a hurry, and can’t hit you fifteen times, sorry.

(The three Daleks ’run over’ the Policeman and carry on towards PC World, next to the Burger King restaurant.)

Scene 6

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, Yvonne Hartman, and Bilis Manger.

(Captain Jack and Gwen walk over to the counter of the Burger King restaurant. The place is full of dead bodies.)

CJ: Service! Service please! Hungry customers here!
G: Quick, quick, we’re going to starve at this rate.

(There’s no reply. Yvonne and Bilis enter the restaurant, they walk over to Captain Jack and Gwen.)

Y: I wonder where the staff are.
B: Probably got bored, these people seem to be.
CJ: True, they probably heard Yvonne going through her day plan, and fell asleep at the first word.
G: It seems a very logical event.

(Captain Jack and Gwen laugh.)

B: You know, these people seem dead.
Y: And you’d know a dead person?
B: They happen to be at bingo sometimes, people are playing, then they’re dead.
G: I recon they killed themselves when they saw you coming, expected you to bore them with a bingo speech.
CJ: I could easily have happened.

(Captain Jack and Gwen laugh again.)

Y: I don’t think he was joking, these people do seem dead.
G: Yeah, you know a dead person when you see one. Every person you tell about your day plan suddenly jumps out a window. Anyway, you think they are suddenly died? From what?
CJ: Food poisoning?

(Captain Jack and Gwen laugh even harder.)

B: With aliens strolling the streets, any one of them could have came in here and killed everyone.
Y: Yeah, a weevil.
B: Right, because they exist.

(Bilis and Yvonne laugh a little.)

Y: I was only joking, these people all do seem dead.
G: Are you making this up as you go along? It’s quite good, have you been practising?
Y: (Sarcastic.) Of course, the scripts in my handbag.
CJ: I knew it.
Y: (Angry.) I was joking!
G: Actually, they don’t seem to be breathing, they could be dead.

(Gwen goes to the closest, a man, and looks at him.)

G: He isn’t breathing.
CJ: Are you part of this play as well.
G: I’m not joking, Jack.

(Captain Jack goes to the body and inspects it.)

CJ: You’re correct, there’s no pulse.
B: See, I told you.
Y: Do you know how long they’ve been dead?
CJ: I could use my watch.
B: How’s a watch going to help us?
G: It’s a special watch.

(Captain Jack looks at his watch, he presses a few buttons, it beeps.)

CJ: They’ve been dead for an hour. There was also a large build up of energy, a teleportation ray. (He checks his watch.) That picked up Owen Harper.

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, K-9, and Harriet Jones.

(Rose is bald, and screaming at a broken mirror that extends from K-9’s back. Harriet is on the floor in her room.)

H: What’s happened?
R: You tripped and fell asleep, we should have left for the Dalek’s secret base by now.
H: Is there something different about your hair?
R: There’s no hair.
H: Oh yeah, where’s the Doctor?
K-9: He’s gone to get some water.
H: What for, I’m not thirsty?
R: He was going to wake you up with it.
H: I wouldn’t wake up because water was put next to me, I only wake up naturally.
R: We would let you, but that would take hours, and the Daleks could have done something terrible by the. We could all be dead.
H: So what were you screaming about?
R: My hair! The Doctor made me bald.
H: Yep, that’s the difference about you, I was there for ages working it out.
R: But I just told you about it a minute ago.
H: Well, I forget things.
K-9: That is true, old mistress.

(The Doctor runs in with a bucket of water.)

R: Doctor! She’s already awake!

(It’s too late, the Doctor can’t stop himself, he throws the water at Harriet’s face, it hits her, and the force knocks her head back into the armchair, and she blacks out.)

R: Doctor! She was already awake!
D: How could she be awake? It hasn’t been forty hours, or has it? How long have I been?
R: It has only been a few minutes, and I screamed, and she woke up.
D: Why did you scream?
R: (Angry.) Maybe it’s something to do with my appearance! Let me think, eyelashes? NO! Lipstick? NO! Hair? Big fat YES!
D: I’m sorry.
R: (More angry.) You’re sorry?! That makes all the difference! If I killed you here, it’ll be alright, I’ll say SORRY!
D: You were the one who wanted a more noticeable appearance.
R: I didn’t want to be noticed because I had no hair. I want a stunning image!
K-9: Like a frozen chicken on your head?
R: NO!
D: I could give you a stunning image for our date.
R: What date?!
D: Our date? You know?
R: Our date is over Mr…making hair go…away person!
D: I said I’m sorry. It was only a joke.
K-9: While you’re arguing, the Daleks could be carrying out their plan.
R: Fine. I’ll help stop the Daleks. Then, after that, if you haven’t impressed me, Doctor, we are through! Now, first, give me some stunning hair.
D: Of course.

(The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to give Rose her normal hair, but three times as tall, and much more shiny.)

R: Let’s get Harriet up, and we can be off.
D: I’ll get some more water.

(The Doctor leaves the room with the empty bucket.)

R: K-9, have you got another mirror?
K-9: I am sorry, mistress, but you have broken all of my mirrors.
R: Oh, well. K-9, is my hair stunning?
K-9: (Facing Rose’s hair.) It’s truly stunning. (K-9 begins to make smoke come out of his ‘eye’.) Very stunning.
R: Thanks.

(The Doctor enters and throws the water at Harriet, she wakes up.)

H: More water? I won’t need a shower today.
D: Let’s go then, no time like the present.

(Harriet picks up her walking stick and stands up, they all leave.)

Scene 8

Characters: Cyberleader, and Cyberman 1, 2, and 3.

(The Cyberleader walks down a road followed by Cyberman 1, 2, and 3.)

CL: A small group of Daleks should be around here somewhere.
CM1: I detected a signal of extreme energy.
CM2: We should split up, we’ll have more of a chance to find them.
CM3: That’s a very Dalek idea, are you on their side?
CM1: Don’t be so stupid, it is impossible for a Dalek to use any form of brain control.
CL: This planet’s technology is so low, there will be no devices for brain control on it, and the Daleks can not build one. It is impossible for them to have a machine that can control things.
CM3: You all sound very much like Daleks.
CL: I am your leader, you will not question my authority. Just follow me.

(The Cybermen turn down a different road leading towards Burger King and PC World.)

CM1: My scanning shows concentration of advanced Dalek energy in Burger King.
CM2: There has been Dalek technology used in there.
CL: Then our place of attack is Burger King.

(The Cybermen walk towards Burger King.)

Sir Leopold

Episode 9 : Trouble at the Tate

Scene 1

Characters: Captain Jack, Gwen, Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, Cyberleader, and Cyberman 1, 2, and 3.

(Captain Jack and Gwen are looking at all the dead bodies in Burger King, while Bilis and Yvonne drink from some cups.)

G: Don’t you care that all these people are dead?
B: Now really, I find I don’t have much respect for the dead, and I believe no one else should.
Y: I agree, if we burned the bodies of the dead as fuel, we could save on gas bills, and keep our carbon footprints down.
CJ: That’s not the way to look at it, dead people were once alive.
B: And you’d know about death? You can’t die.
CJ: Does that matter? How did you know?
B: Word gets around.
CJ: Anyway, some times I want to die.
G: It’s a curse.
Y: A curse because he can’t die, how sad, let’s all feel sorry for him.

(The Cyberleader enters, followed by Cyberman 1, 2, and 3.)

CL: Where are the Daleks?
CJ: There are no Daleks here.
G: What are you metal people talking about?
CL: We are the Cybermen, and I am the leader. You will tell me the truth, where are the Daleks?
Y: There aren’t an Daleks, we’ve already said.
CM1: She is lying.
B: She is not lying.
CM2: Dalek technology has been used in this building.
CM3: So there are Daleks here. You are hiding them.

(The Cyberleader goes to Yvonne, and points at her handbag.)

CL: They are in you handbag, let them out, so we can delete them.
Y: They wouldn’t fit in my handbag.
CL: Daleks could have the technology to fit anywhere. Cybermen, search these people.

(Cyberman 1 searches Bilis’s pockets. It finds a pair of glasses, and brakes them, then continues to search. Cyberman 2 searches Gwen, he goes through her pockets and pulls out random jewellery. Cyberman 3 checks Captain Jack, he goes through empty pockets.)

CL: Have you found anything of Dalek communication?
CM1: (Holding up a bingo card.) I’ve found a Dalek code that this grandpa has been using to plan a massacre with the Daleks.
CL: Very good work.
CM2: (Holding up a ring.) I’ve found a secret key that allows this woman entrance to the Dalek base.
CL: Excellent.
CM3: (Holding up Jack’s watch.) I’ve found a watch that can tell the time.
CL: And how does that relate to Daleks, or alien machinery?
CM3: Well, erm. Okay, fine, he can have it back.

(Cyberman 3 hands Jack his watch back, and he puts it on.)

CJ: Thanks. But you Cybermen are so stupid.
CL: What do you mean? We are a highly advanced race.
CJ: Not really, you believe a bingo card and a ring to be of high and powerful technology, where my watch is so much more advanced.
CL: What do you mean?
CJ: It’s a Vortex Manipulator.
CL: So you’re telling me that watch can teleport you?
CJ: Yes, it can.
CL: I do not believe you.
CJ: Fine, I’ll show you. Gwen, come here and hold on.

(Gwen goes to Jack, she holds the Vortex Manipulator, and he presses a few buttons on it, they both disappear.)

Scene 2

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, K-9, and Harriet Jones.

(The TARDIS appears inside an art gallery. The Doctor and Rose step out of the TARDIS, K-9 follows, and then Harriet after twenty seconds.)

R: So, this is the Dalek’s secret base?
H: Doesn’t look very secret to me.
D: No, this is the Tate Modern. An art gallery next to the Dalek’s base.
K-9: This gallery contains some of the most famous art works from the early twenty first century.

(Rose walks over to a pile of books on a stand. There’s a label, she reads it.)

R: This one is called ‘Reading Days’ by some German bloke.
D: It seems a little rubbish, I could do better. What is it meant to be showing?
R: A pile of books obviously.
H: Oh, I know, I’ve read about this. That art work by Van Hindenburg shows the tedium of books, and how pages bore away years of our lives.
K-9: So books are so boring, that there was a book made about this art work.
H: Yes, I read it all in a six thousand page encyclopaedia on art work.
R: Anyway, what is this piece showing? I couldn’t understand you, I don’t speak art.
K-9: Mistress, she is implying books are boring, and waste time.
R: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell my mum, but she won’t listen. How much is this piece?
H: They’re priceless pieces, worth no money, but…
R: They’re free?!

(Rose grabs the books and the stand, and throws them inside the TARDIS.)

D: I don’t think she meant that you could steal them.
R: There’s no sign saying I can’t steal them.
K-9: There’s a sign over there that says ‘do not touch’.
R: I didn’t touch, I grabbed, they’re different.
K-9: Actually, mistress, they’re not all that different, as you still touched the books.
R: Shut up! Let’s find this Dalek base.
H: What Dalek base? And what’s a Dalek?
D: The Dalek base, Daleks, the metal machines with guns. That’s the reason we’re here, don’t you remember?
H: Remember what? Where’s Indra?
R: He’s in the Dalek base, let’s so and get him.
H: Okay, which way?

(The Doctor, K-9, and Harriet Jones walk along a path down the centre of the gallery. Rose runs around, looking at the pieces.)

R: Harriet, Harriet, what’s this one called?
H: ‘A Can of Beans’.
R: I’ll take it.

(Rose walks over to K-9 with a can of beans in her hand, she puts it on K-9’s back.)

R: Keep an eye on that K-9, it’s an art work, and will look great in my flat room.
H: You can’t keep stealing things.
R: And what policeman is going to arrest me?
H: You can’t do something illegal, just because there’s no policemen.
R: Tough, I love this artwork.

(Rose runs off and comes back with a bin full of papers.)

R: Harriet, what’s this one called?
H: ‘Wasted Environment’.
R: I’ll take this one as well.

(Rose puts the bin on K-9’s back.)

D: Don’t you think you should give something back for all you’ve took?
R: Fine, it is only fair, after all.

(Rose pulls out a few of her hairs and puts them on an empty stand.)

K-9: What’s the piece called, mistress
R: ‘Farmer’s Bundle’.
D: Oh yeah, I see why, great name. (Whispering to K-9.) That’s crap, what has it got to do with farmers?

(The group come to a large steel door with “Secret Works - Do Not Disturb the Daleks” written above it.)

D: I think we’ve found the base.
H: (Confused.) Where is it then?

Scene 3

Characters: Red Dalek, Blue Dalek, Yellow Dalek, and Henry Van Statten.

(The three Daleks enter PC World, they go to the counter, the shop is empty.)

RD: Where are all the staff?
BD: We need computer parts, and there’s no one here.

(Henry Van Statten jumps up from behind the counter.)

YD: My poor heart.
RD: Trying to give us all a heart attack are you?
HS: No, I heard you needed computer pieces, it’s my job to sell them.
BD: Good, we need twelve gigafryinggigabiteanodes.
HS: Ah, what? I’ve never heard of those, sorry.
RD: What?! You haven’t heard of them?!
HS: No.
YD: Exterminate!

(The Yellow Dalek points its gun at Henry Van Statten.)

HS: (Nervous.) Actually, I have got some.

(Henry runs off to another part of the shop.)

BD: Do you think he’s getting the gigafryinggigabiteanodes?
RD: He better, or we’ll exterminate him.
YD: Exterminate!

(The Yellow Dalek shoots a cork board with papers on it, the papers fall to the ground with the pins, and scatter.)

RD: Careful! Soon we’ll wake our master, and this world will be gone.
BD: I can’t wait, it will be fabulous.
RD: Nor can I.
BD: Who uses the word ‘nor’?
RD: What’s wrong with that word?
YD: Only old organisms use it, like that old Prime Minister they’ve got here.
RD: I’ve met her she’s ancient. But, I am also quite old.
BD: But that doesn’t mean you have to show it!

(Henry comes back with a laptop, he steps on a pin, and trips, the laptop falls forward, and smashes on the counter.)

HS: That was your laptop, I, I, mean gigfrying…thing.
RD: You destroyed it!
HS: That’s because there’s pins all over the floor, how did they get there?
YD: That was me.
HS: And there’s my letter on the floor for the opening of the new strip club.
BD: Get us more gigafryinggigabiteanodes. Your papers are of no importance.
RD: That device did not look like a gigafryinggigabiteanodes.
YD: It looks more like a portable oven.
BD: Or a portable phone those humans use.
RD: No, those are much bigger, about two square foot.
BD: Oh, of course.
HS: I’ll get you twelve more.

(Henry runs off.)

RD: That machine didn’t seem like what we wanted.
YD: Are you sure?
BD: I agree.
RD: We should check.
BD: It still seems like a phone in my opinion.

(Henry comes back holding twelve laptops, he’s careful not to trip on a pin, he drops them on the counter.)

RD: What do these devices do?!
HS: Loads of stuff. You name it and they can do it.
YD: Make coffee?
HS: Well, they can’t do that.
BD: Bake a cake?
HS: Nor that.
RD: Ha, see, he says ‘nor’.
BD: That’s not the point of this conversation, and he’s about three hundred.
HS: I am not!
YD: Shut up! Can it order a pizza…
HS: Yes.
YD: without the internet?
HS: No.
RD: Turn on…
HS: Of course.
RD: a television?
HS: No.
RD: Great! We’ll take the lot.
YD: I’ll transport them.

(The Yellow Dalek fires a thin yellow beam at the laptops, they disappear, then the beam continues and touches Henry’s tie. The tie disappears and the beam fades.)

BD: Excellent, let’s go.
HS: You haven’t paid, and you owe me a tie.
RD: How much are the gigafryinggigabiteanodes?
H: Three hundred pounds each.
YD: Why does everyone want to be pounded around here?
BD: I have no idea.
H: Pay up then.

(The three Daleks hit Henry continuously with their guns and suckers.)

Scene 4

Characters: Captain Jack and Gwen.

(Captain Jack and Gwen appear suddenly in an office - like room.)

G: We left Yvonne and Bilis behind?
CJ: Don’t be so angry, calm down Gwen.
G: Angry? I’m not angry, this is excellent, no more conversations about bingo.
CJ: Or bongos.
G: Thank goodness.
CJ: I wonder where we are?
G: You mean you don’t know?
CJ: Do you?
G: No, but I thought you chose to bring us here.
CJ: Of course not. I would have taken us to McDonald’s. We could have had our date.
G: Maybe another time. But couldn’t you use your Vortex Manipulaser again to take us somewhere?
CJ: Firstly, it’s called a Vortex Manipulator, and secondly, it uses a lot of power to teleport two people, I can’t do it again for hours.
G: Pity.
CJ: Anyway, we could end up somewhere worse.
G: We don’t even know where we are, it could already be really worse, like prison.
CJ: Or it could be a good place, like a strip club.
G: I doubt that.
CJ: You doubt that it’s a good place, have you ever been to one, they’re great?
G: No, I meant I doubt that we’re in a strip club.
CJ: Well, I doubt your prison idea, but I wasn’t going to complain.

(Gwen looks around he office.)

G: We’re in the Tate Modern.
CJ: Is that a strip club?
G: No, it’s an art gallery.
CJ: Full of naked women?
G: Probably not.
CJ: Oh well, let’s look around anyway.

(Jack goes over to the door and kicks it open.)

CJ: Ladies first.
G: That door wasn’t locked, you didn’t have to kick it.

(Gwen leaves, then Jack does. They enter a long hall full of art work on stands, they walk along.)

CJ: Wow, I’m going to have a look around.
G: And I’ll find an exit.
CJ: There’s a painting over there called ‘Erected Banana’. Can we look?
G: No.
CJ: Oh, and this piece is missing.
G: What’s it called?
CJ: ’A Can of Beans’.
G: How sad.
CJ: And there’s another one here that’s a few stands of some excellent hair. That is stunning.

(Gwen and Captain Jack continue to walk, past the TARDIS, they don’t realise it, and carry on forward.)

Scene 5

Characters: Red Dalek, Blue Dalek, Yellow Dalek, Henry Van Statten, and Father Angelo.

(The three Daleks are hitting Henry, who is on his knees, with their guns and suckers.)

H: Ouch! Ouch! Stop it! That’s enough!

(The Daleks stop hitting him.)

RD: That is all?
BD: Fine, we have paid.
YD: We will be going now.

(The Daleks leave PC World, and wait outside.)

BD: How are we getting back?
RD: A Temporal Shift would do it.
YD: But what if we landed in the wrong location?
RD: We could just Shift again, soon enough we’ll all reach our base.
BD: It is the quickest idea we’ve got.
RD: It’s the only idea we’ve got.
YD: Good point.
RD: Emergency Temporal Shift.

(The Red Dalek disappears.)

BD: Emergency Temporal Shift.

(The Blue Dalek disappears.)

YD: What they said.

(The Yellow Dalek disappears.)

(Back at the base: The Blue Dalek appears in the room.)

BD: Yes, I made it first Shift. Looks like the other two are not so quick.

(The Blue Dalek goes over to a pile of laptops.)

BD: Ah, here are the gigafryinggigabiteanodes. I will install them with the help of my brothers.

(The Red Dalek appears with Father Angelo, the Father is hitting the Dalek with a bible.)

FA: Go away, leave my church! May the God strike you down?!
RD: No he may not!
BD: Ah, priest - like figure. Exterminate!

(The Blue Dalek exterminates Father Angelo.)

RD: Ah, bible. Exterminate!

(The Red Dalek exterminates the bible that Father Angelo dropped.)

BD: Phew, that was a close one.
RD: I agree.
BD: Why did you bring a priest with a BIBLE here?!
RD: I Shifted into a church by accident, he then attacked me, and must have touched me as I Shifted again, so I carried him here.
BD: Interesting. Anyway, I was just inspecting our gigafryinggigabiteanodes we bought.
RD: How are they?
BD: They seem alright. We’ll wait for Yellow to get back, then install them.

(The Yellow Dalek appears.)

RD: Speak of the…
BD: Don’t say ’devil’!
RD: You did!
YD: Devil?! Where?! Exterminate!

(The Yellow Dalek fires its gun randomly, beams fly everywhere.)

RD: Protect the gigafryinggigabiteanodes.

(The Red Dalek jumps in front of the gigafryinggigabiteanodes, and the Yellow Dalek’s gun beam slices its sucker off.)

Scene 6

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, Cyberleader, and Cyberman 1, 2, and 3.

(Yvonne and Bilis are at a table, each with an empty cup. The Cyberleader stands with Cyberman 1, 2, and 3.)

Y: Can I get a refill please?
B: Me too? I’m parched.
CL: Be quiet while we are discussing.
Y: They’re angry because of Jack and Gwen’s easy escape.
B: I know, it’s great, isn’t it? No one to complain about our love of bingo and bongos.
Y: It’s a dream come true.
B: Except for these Cybermen.
Y: And these empty drinks.
B: True, let’s get some more.

(Yvonne and Bilis stand up.)

CL What are you two doing? Remain seated while I discuss.
Y: We want drinks.
CL: And I want Captain Jack ad Gwen Cooper, but I’m not going to get them just now. You will wait.
Y: (Whispering to Bilis.) On my signal, run into the kitchen, we’ll meet by the drinks machine.
CL: What did you say?
Y: I was just saying about those Daleks outside.

(The Cybermen face the window, looking for the Daleks, there are non there.)

Y: RUN!

(Yvonne runs off, Bilis does not move.)

Y: Come on dad!
B: I was waiting for the signal.

(Bilis follows Yvonne into the kitchen. They stand next to a drinks machine.)

Y: Let’s get a drink.
B: I’ll have a coke.
Y: Dad, there’s too much sugar in coke for you to be drinking it.
B: I’ll have a diet then.
Y: Go ahead.

(Bilis uses the machine to fill up a cup.)

Y: And I’ll have a fanta.

(Yvonne uses the machine to fill up her cup.)

Y: Let’s get back.

(The kitchen door is broken, a Cyberman’s fist is through it. The hand goes back, and the door is opened, Cyberman 1, 2, and 3 enter. Bilis and Yvonne duck to hide.)

CM1: Spread out and find them.
CM2: I shall check the deep fat fryers.
CM3: I’ll check the ice - cream machine.
CM1: I’ll check the drinks machine.
B: (Whispering.) We’re at the drinks machine.
Y: (Also whispering.) Let’ move.

(Yvonne and Bilis move on their hands and knees while the Cybermen move around. They come to the deep fat fryers, and stop.)

Y: (Whispering.) We should be safe here.

(Cyberman 2 walks in front of Yvonne and Bilis, they stand up in front of the deep fat fryers.)

CM2: Delete!
Y: No!

(Yvonne jumps aside as the Cyberman steps forward, she pushes it, and the Cyberman’s head falls into the deep fat fryer, its body is bent over, it sizzles as blue electricity shoots around it, then stops, and it explodes.)

B: I think that noise told them where we were.
Y: Get a weapon.

(Yvonne and Bilis search for weapons. Yvonne finds a meat cleaver, and Bilis finds a slightly damp mop.)

Y: Let’s go.

(Cyberman 1 comes to Yvonne and Bilis.)

CM1: Delete!
Y: Take this!

(Yvonne brings down the cleaver into the Cyberman’s face, it cuts a deep wound into the steel.)

CM1: Ahhh! My face, I’ll need plastic surgery!

(The Cyberman falls back in pain, and gets its foot stuck in the mop bucket that Bilis got his mop from, the water forms smoke around Cyberman 1’s foot, and it stops moving.)

B: Let’s get the other one.

(Yvonne and Bilis go to the ice - cream machine, Cyberman 3 is there.)

Y: Have an ice - cream!
B: Oh, yes please.
Y: I meant the Cyberman.
B: Oh.
CM3: Delete!

(Yvonne jumps forward, grabs a pack of ice - cream and throws it over the Cyberman’s head.)

CM3: Ahhh! Brain freeze!

(The Cyberman freezes.)

Y: Yes.
B: We did it

(The Cyberleader enters.)

CL: Delete! Delete!

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Harriet Jones, K-9, Captain Jack, Gwen, Red Dalek, Blue Dalek, Yellow Dalek, and the Dalek Emperor.

(The Doctor, Rose, Harriet, and K-9 are standing by the large door.)

D: So how are we going to open it?
R: A gun?
D: Probably wouldn’t work, you’ll need a high frequency sonic device to even touch it.
R: Like the sonic screwdriver?
D: No, we’ll need about a thousand of them.
R Oh.
H: What about a cup of tea?
D: If it was one hundred percent acid, and you had a few thousand cups of it.
R: One hundred percent acid? Wow, that’s almost half full of acid.
H: That’s how I make tea. Is there any other way to make tea?
R: Just a few, all of them without acid.
K-9: Would an advanced fire beam hitting the door at three million photons a second do it, master?
D: Yes, but where are we going to get one of those?
R: I think mum might have one under the sofa.
D: Probably not.
K-9: I’ve got one, master.
R: And it could get use inside?
D: In theory.
K-9: I shall start.

(K-9 shoots a thin red beam at the centre of the door, the door rattles, and a thin crack begins to run down the centre, and it slowly split open. Captain Jack and Gwen walk towards the Doctor and Rose.)

CJ: Fancy meeting you here, Doctor.
D: Don’t use the words ‘fancy’ and ‘Doctor’ in the same sentence!
G: Leave him alone.
R: Leave the Doctor alone!
D: Oh, standing up for Jack are you Gwen?
G: Yes, I have.
CJ: You leave her alone.
R: Oh, so now you’re standing up for her.
CJ: Any boyfriend would do it for his girlfriend.
D: Gwen’s your girlfriend?
G: Yes, I am.
D: Ah, well done Jack. We were jus getting into the Dalek’s base.
G: You’ve changed your tone.
D: I’m homophobic, it’s not my fault.
R: Anyway, what brings you two here?
CJ: Vortex Manipulator device.
D: Tricky, is this where you wanted to come. Thought you and Gwen would get a romantic retreat from the rest of Cardiff Torchwood?
CJ: No, my device is a little broken, I can’t chose.
D: Oh, very tricky. Give it here, I’ll fix it.

(Captain Jack hands the Doctor his Vortex Manipulator, the Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver on it, then hands the Vortex Manipulator back to Captain Jack.)

D: Should be as good as new, except it’s a little rusty, and the batteries are quite flat.
CJ: Thanks.
G: What’s that bucket firing a beam for?
R: What bucket?
D: That’s K-9, he’s a robot dog.
G: That red bema is a dog?
R: No, the ‘buckets’ a dog, the beam is braking that door apart.
CJ: Excellent, what’s he doing.

(Captain Jack looks at Rose’s hair.)

CJ: Your hair is stunning Rose.
R: Oh, thanks, the Doctor made it stunning for me.
G: What about my hair, Jack?
CJ: It’s limp, I hate it.
G: Do you mind?! (She slaps Jack, he brakes out of it.) I like my hair.
CJ: I like your hair as well, it’s better than Rose’s.
G: Good.

(Captain Jack looks at K-9’s back.)

CJ: Is that can of beans one of the artworks?
H: Yes, Rose stole it.
CJ: It’s rubbish, I’m glad it’s not in the gallery.

(K-9’s beam breaks the door apart, behind it is a grey tunnel.)

D: Let’s go.

(The Doctor gets his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket.)

CJ: Wait a minute, I’ve got one of those.

(Jack takes the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.)

CJ: I got it from you in the restaurant.
D: So that one’s mine, and this one’s a fake.
R: I’ll have the fake one.
CJ: And you can have your’s back, Doctor.

(Captain Jack gives the Doctor his sonic screwdriver, and Rose gets the fake sonic screwdriver that the Doctor has been using.)

R: Now, let’s go.

(Rose holds the sonic screwdriver like a gun as she walks down the tunnel. The Doctor follows then K-9, then Gwen, then Captain Jack, then Harriet Jones with her walking stick.)

G: Can that old woman at the back hurry up? It’ll take us forty more ours to get there.
D: It will if she falls asleep.
R: That’s the Prime Minister you’re talking to.
G: Fine, could you hurry up old Prime Minister woman?

(Captain Jack goes behind Harriet, and pushes her onwards. Soon, the group arrive at the Dalek’s base: Owen’s body stands in the centre of the room and the three Daleks stand around him at equal distances away from each other.)

D: What are you doing?
RD: Ah! It’s the Doctor!
BD: Quickly, let’s do it!
YD: Ready.
BD: Ready!
RD: Ready. Fire!

(The Daleks each fire a beam of their colour. The thee shots meet at Owen’s body and smoke goes around Owen’s body. The beams disappear.)

G: What have you done to Owen?!
CJ: Tell us!
BD: That was not Owen.
YD: I killed that fool long ago.
G: (Sad.) Owen’s dead?
RD: His body is being used for a better purpose.

(The smoke clears to reveal Owen: his legs are metal, and have the metal balls along them that Daleks have on their bodies. His ribcage is ripped out of his chest ether side, like a set of open doors, and inside, instead of organs, there’s a red Dalek mutant - The Dalek Emperor.)

DE: I am back, Doctor!

Sir Leopold

Episode 10 : The End of the Emperor

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, K-9, Harriet Jones, Red Dalek, Blue Dalek, Yellow Dalek, and the Dalek Emperor.

(The Dalek Emperor, in Owen’s body, faces the Doctor, while Rose, K-9, Harriet, Jack, and Gwen stand beside him. The three Daleks, the Red Dalek has a chainsaw instead of a sucker, are beside their emperor.)

D: You’re back? It can’t be.
DE: It can be, because I am back, and ready to destroy you, and the rest of this planet.
G: You’ve killed Owen, you monster! I hope you die!
CJ: Why couldn’t you use a different body?!
RD: We had another, but this one was much more powerful.
BD: It’s much more fitting for our emperor.
YD: It made more sense than to use that Indra’s body.
H: You’ve killed Indra?
RD: Indra Ganesh was dead long ago, we were originally going to use him as a host, but Owen’s body was better.
BD: In Indra’s will you receive his six piece tea set.
H: Yes! That was great, I always wanted it.
D: So, Emperor, how did they bring you back?
K-9: They used gigafryinggigabiteanodes and a very powerful Shift device to recover the Emperor and bring him here.
D: Recover you from where?
DE: That is not important.
D: Where?!
DE: I will not say.
D: Okay, fine, you’ll tell me eventually. Why did they put you in a human body, why not a Dalek casing?
BD: We spent a lot of time wiring these machines through the art gallery, into here…
G: (Interrupting.) No wonder the gallery’s electric bills were so high.
CJ: Were those in the drawer.
G: Yep, in the office desk I went through.
BD: (Angry.) I was speaking! Anyway, we took so long, there was only a short time to save our Emperor, there was no time to construct a real body for him.
R: Why not use a homeless tramp?
DE: I am too good for tramps!
R: Then why not the Queen, or Prime Minister?
RD: I realised the Queen would be good, but she had fled the country, there was no way of finding her.
BD: And the Doctor was protecting the Prime Minister.
R: Couldn’t you keep the Emperor in a jar, or a gold fish bowl?
YD: (Appalled.) A gold fish bowl?!
CJ: He won’t fit very well.
G: Looks like he should lose some weight.
DE: I am an EMPEROR! I deserve the best, and I do not need to lose weight!
G: You want the best, and you took Owen?
CJ: He’s not the best at anything. Probably the worst on our team.
DE: What do you mean?
G: He was bad at most things, he couldn’t understand strip poker, that’s why I normally always won. He was slow in the bedroom, and shopped on the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
DE: Is that bad?
K-9: It’s a online catalogue, where Torchwood items can be purchased…
G: (Interrupting.) It’s terrible shopping on there.
K-9: Me and Sarah Jane did, that’s where I got all those upgrades.
R: So you used the Torchwood Online Catalogue?
D: Oh yeah, Sarah Jane, the reason we came.
R: I forgot as well.
H: Who’s Sarah Jane?
K-9: She is my mistress, we haven’t talked about her for quite a while, that’s probably why everyone forgot.
RD: Emperor, what are they talking about?
D: Does that Red Dalek have a chainsaw?

(Everyone, except Harriet, looks at the chainsaw.)

R: Oh yeah.
H: (Looking at her shoe.) Where? Where? I can’t see it.
CJ: My God.
G: It looks menacing.
K-9: (In a very robotic voice.) Thinking of intelligent comment. None found.
DE: What is the meaning of this mutation? The Dalek design is perfect, it does not need to be changed.
YD: I shot it off.
DE: Shot what off?
YD: Red’s sucker.
DE: What are you talking about? I was pointing out the fact that I have a belly button, and I never used to.
YD: Oh, sorry, your Emperor (It can’t think of anything to say.) …ry…ness.
D: So, as I was saying about Sarah Jane. Where is she?
RD: I know not of a Sarah Jane.
BD: She does not exist.
YD: You lie, she has never been here.

Scene 2

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, and Cyberleader.

(Yvonne stands with her meat cleaver, and Bilis has no weapon. The Cyberleader is in front of them.)

CL: You will be deleted!
Y: Take my cleaver!

(Yvonne slashes at the Cyberleader with her meat cleaver, it just bounces back.)

B: It’s not working.
Y: I can see that.
B: RUN!

(Bilis and Yvonne run to the drinks machine, the Cyberleader slowly follows.)

B: Now we’re trapped, what are we going to do?
Y: We’re going for a drink.
B: What are you on about?
Y: I was trying to be dramatic, as though we were on some sci-fi program.
B: Well, it didn’t work.
Y: Because you interrupted.

(The Cyberleader is almost next to Bilis and Yvonne.)

CL: Delete!
Y: Have a drink.
B: That’s not dramatic! I’ve already said so.

(Yvonne quickly throws ice-cubes and a cup full of coke at the Cyberleader, it falls to the floor.)

CL: I hope that coke was diet, I can’t stand the full sugar stuff.
B: Quickly, let’s go.
Y: Yep, I agree.

(Yvonne and Bilis run off as the Cyberleader tries to get up, but slips on an ice-cube and falls over again. Yvonne ducks behind a pile of boxes, Bilis does not see her, and keeps running, into a wall.)

B: (Stunned.) Ouch!
Y: (Whispering.) Quick, dad, over here.
B: (Stunned.) Yes, I’ll love a carrot pie, thank you.
Y: (Whispering.) Quickly.

(Bilis spins around and falls to the floor.)

B: Could you take it up to my room please?
Y: Quick, dad, over here!

(The Cyberleader finally gets up and walks towards the smiling Bilis.)

CL: Delete!
B: Yes, please, I’ll have some tartar sauce if there is any with it.
Y: Hide.

(The Cyberleader goes to grab Bilis, but Yvonne pulls Bilis’s leg and the Cyberleader falls into the wall, and a burst of blue electricity runs around the steel body, and the Cyberleader is still.)

Y: Looks like he’s old cold.
B: Yes, please, with an umbrella and a slice of lime over a glass.
Y: Let’s go, in case it gets up.
B: Of course, but not too much pepperoni, I’m allergic.

(Yvonne and Bilis leave Burger King, and stand on the street.)

Y: So, where to now?
B: I’ll like to phone a friend please.
Y: We could go to Torchwood Tower, it may be unsafe, but my staff are counting on me.

(Bilis and Yvonne walk towards Torchwood Tower.)

B: Could you get the ice-cream out of my bra please?

Scene 3

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, K-9, Harriet Jones, Captain Jack, Gwen, Dalek Emperor, Red Dalek, Yellow Dalek, Blue Dalek, and Sarah Jane Smith.

(The Doctor, Rose, K-9, Harriet Jones, Captain Jack, and Gwen face the Daleks.)

D: So Sarah Jane isn’t here?
DE: She must not be, have you tried the local strip club?
D: Sarah would not strip!
DE: Of course, she wouldn’t whoever she is, she would pay to watch.
D: (Angry.) Leave her out of the conversation!
RD: You bought her into it!
R: Calm down Doctor. If they had her, they would have used her as a host body.
K-9: Probably, that would mean you wouldn’t hurt her.
D: And this is meant to make me fell better?
G: But now he’s going to hurt Owen.
H: I would think so, ask Indra.
CJ: Indra’s dead!
H: (Sad.) Is he? Since when? (She cries quietly.)
CJ: Who’s this Sarah Jane Switch anyway?
G: Is she a light switch, I’m sure she has an electric personality.

(Captain Jack and Gwen laugh, no one else does.)

R: I don’t get it.
K-9: They are using the term of a switch, an electrical device, to make a joke about how electric switches are electric, and this means a switch would be electric, mistress.
R: Er, what?
D: Switches are electric.
R: Oh, now I get it. That wasn’t funny.
H: Ask Indra about it, he might find it funny.
D: Indra’s dead!
H: Oh, no, not Indra. (She cries.)
CJ: So who is this Sarah Jane Switch person, then?
D: It’s Smith!
G: Okay, fine, then who’s this Smith Jane Switch?
D: No! Her last name is Smith.
G: Oh, she’s Smith Jane Smith?
R: No, it’s Sarah Jane Smith.
CJ: Oh, so who is she?
D: An old companion of mine, and she came here, and K-9 said she was imprisoned, but she isn’t.
K-9: Sorry master, but she was at this base.
DE: She was at the local strip club!

(The Daleks laugh.)

RD: You lied, we do not know of her.
BD: She has never been here.
DE: But there was one good thing. I’ve got you trapped now.
H: No you haven’t, ask Indra.
G: Indra’s …
CJ: (Interrupting.) Gone to get us coffee.
H: I hop he gets me de-café.
DE: So, while you’re here, I’m going to kill you all.

(A door opens opposite the heroes, and Indra funnily walks in, the door remains open.)

H: Oh, hello Indra. Did you get my coffee?
D: Indra?
R: You’re dead.
CJ: He’s supposed to be dead.
G: All a lie.
D: I saw him die.

(Indra strangely walks to the Dalek Emperor and grabs the mutant, he slowly pulls.)

DE: Exterminate him!
RD: Exterminate!
BD: Exterminate!
YD: Exterminate!

(In their panic, the Dalek blasts blow up bits of machines, the lights, but they do not turn off, and a shot hits Indra and kills him. The body falls to the floor.)

DE: Who was that person?!
RD: That was Indra Ganesh.
BD: But he was dead.
S: I happened.

(Sarah Jane Smith enters from the opposite door.)

D: (Cheerful.) Hi, where have you been?
S: Down the local strip club, they’ve got men down there. Then I came here, used a bit of lipstick on a few life support machines, and programmed Indra to kill the Emperor, but it didn’t seem to work.

(The lights go off, and it’s pitch black, the door slams shut.)

Scene 4

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, and Blue Gelth.

(Yvonne and Bilis are walking down a road, Bilis is still a little stunned.)

Y: That was a close one.
B: Too close, the sherry almost stained my bath towel, I will be suing next time.
Y: Are you still a little stunned?
B: Of course not.
Y: Good.
B: He’s out at the swimming pool, but he won’t want a sherry yet, just leave it up here next to mine.
Y: For God’s sake!
B: I’ll be fine. Those two sherries will be great. Are there any crackers?
Y: Yes, of course.
B: Good, I’ll have some cherries then.
Y: And will your friend want some?
B: Sure, but just leave the pear next to my beer.

(A blue ghost-like object flies past Yvonne and Bilis.)

Y: Did you see that?!
B: No, I was reading War and Peace, sorry.
Y: There was a ghost.
B: No, no, a newspaper costs about fifty pence.

(The ghost-like creature stops in front of Yvonne, it’s a blue Gelth.)

Y: There it is again, can you see it dad?
B: I’m reading, this is the bit where Harry breaks his wand.
BG: Hello.
Y: (Surprised.) You can talk?
BG: Of course, I am one with a voice box.
Y: I didn’t know ghosts had voice boxes.
BG: Do you expect me to rattle chains, and scream at children?
Y: Well, yes.
BG: I am not actually a ghost.
Y: So what are you then?
B: It’s an elephant!
BG: I’m a Gelth.
Y: I’ve heard of them, they’re on the Torchwood database.
BG: So, how much do you know about my species?
Y: Shouldn’t there be about fifty more of you?
BG: There are more, but I don’t know where.
B: At the bowling alley.
Y: Sorry about my father, he’s banged his head.
GB: I can help, if you wish.
Y: Of course.

(The Gelth touches Bilis’s head, Bilis becomes more alert.)

B: Huh? What? Where are we?
Y: We’re walking towards Torchwood Tower.
B: What happened to the Cyberleader?
Y: You beat him.
B: Yes! We should make a film about me called “Pensioner Strikes Back”.
Y: Why don’t we wait until we’re inside Torchwood, I need to know what’s going on there.
BG: Torchwood Tower is not that far away.
B: Ahhh! What’s this blue sheet?
Y: This is a Gelth, not a sheet.
BG: My uncle was a sheet, and his wife was a curtain.
Y: Very interesting.
B: My uncle was a man, and his wife was some other gender, I can’t remember what it’s called.
Y: A woman?
B: No, no.
Y: Anyway, Gelth, could you take us to Torchwood Tower?
BG: Of course, just follow me.

(The Gelth floats down the street and Yvonne and Bilis follow.)

B: That’s right, his wife was a bongo!
Y: Are you sure?
B: Dead sure, he was always into his musical instruments.
Y: Is he still alive?
B: No, he died.
Y: How many years ago?
B: About a hundred.
Y: How?
B: Choked by his second wife.
Y: (Sarcastic.) Let me guess, a flute?
B: No, a triangle.

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, K-9, h, Captain Jack, Gwen, Sarah Jane Smith, Red Dalek, Blue Dalek, Yellow Dalek, and the Dalek Emperor.

(The room is pitch black.)

DE: Help me! Turn on the lights!
RD: The lights are broken.
BD: There is no way to fix them that quickly.
YD: We must escape this room.
S: Oh no you don’t, I’ve locked the doors with my lipstick.
R: Wow, this woman’s got style, she carries around lipstick. How she seals doors with it I don’t know.
S: It’s sonic lipstick actually.
R: Wow, even more style, sonic.
K-9: They’re available from the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
G: But who uses that?
CJ: Owen did.
G: Oh yeah, that’s where that cheap necklace came from.
H: Indra sometimes uses that site. Ask him next time we see him. I thin he’s on the floor at the moment.
S: I believe Torchwood is up to no good.
D: What do you mean?
S: I think they’re illegally shipping alien artefacts from other countries.
R: I see, that could be true.
CJ: The Daleks haven’t said anything for a while.
G: I’m not sure if they’re even still here.
R: K-9, could you do a scan?
K-9: Of course, mistress.
H: Ask Indra, he’ll help us.
K-9: There are no Daleks in this room, they let a few minutes ago.
G: Well, let’s find a door and leave.
S: It’s pitch black, how will we find a door?
CJ: We could use our hands to find one.
D: And if you find one, shout, so everyone can come to you.
R: Okay.

(They fumble about in the dark.)

H: Get off my walking stick!
G: Who’s touching my bra?
CJ: That might be me.
K-9: Ouch, my nose is stuck somewhere.
R: Doctor, there’s some cold metal nose-like object under my skirt.
K-9: Oh, sorry mistress.
R: Thank you.
G: I think I’ve found a door knob, I’ll just turn it.
CJ: OUCH! That’s not attached to a door!
G: Sorry, I didn’t mean to put my hand down there.
H: I’ve found the door.
R: Make sure it’s not part of the Doctor.
H: I’ll just push it, I think it’s just a normal handle.
S: Ouch.

(Someone falls to the floor.)

S: You pushed me over!
CJ: Don’t fight, let’s just calm down.

(Someone gets up, off the floor.)

S: Come on then Harriet, bring it!
H: Okay, fine, take my walking stick.

(A walking stick slices through the air and hits someone.)

D: Ahhh! My shoulder!
R: Don’t worry, I’ll get her with my sonic screwdriver.
G: Stop fighting!

(A sonic screwdriver beeps.)

H: Ahhh, my metal hip!

(Someone falls to the floor.)

CJ: Stop! We’re against the Daleks, not ourselves.
D: True, I understand, we should stop.

(A sonic lipstick beeps.)

G: Ahhh, my handbag.

(Loads of random items hit the floor, including a piece of glass-like stuff, that breaks.)

G: You’re in for it now. That was my mirror. I was going to break it by looking at it!

Scene 6

Characters: Dalek Emperor, Red Dalek, Blue Dalek, and Yellow Dalek.

(The Dalek Emperor walks down a corridor while the Red, Blue, and Yellow Daleks follow.)

RD: That was a close one.
BD: We got out of here just in time.
YD: I know, Eastenders is on in two minutes, we are about to miss it.
DE: That dead man attacked me, how is that possible?
RD: That woman had a sonic device.
BD: She could have messed with the support machines.
DE: Support machines?! Were you keeping him alive?!
YD: We were not keeping him alive, for one thing, we don’t have any food, and he would have needed that.
RD: We needed to keep the body in good condition for you.
BD: We would never keep a human as a pet.
YD: Firstly, we would need to buy a lead.
RD: And I don’t know where to buy one from.
DE: Okay, fine, be quiet, what should we do now those fools are all in one room.

(There is no reply from the other Daleks.)

DE: Why are you not answering me?! Speak to me immediately!
RD: Sorry, but you told us to be quiet.
BD: We were only obeying your orders.
DE: I meant be quiet about the host body.
YD: Sorry, your highness.
DE: Anyway, what to do next?
RD: We could continue to blow up this planet like we planned.
BD: That would kill the Doctor.
YD: And those annoying companions he has.
DE: Then that is our plan. Where can we go to do such a deed?
RD: The main control room.
BD: That is where all the machines and computers are.
YD: On the topic of computers, Red tell the Emperor about your e-mail about contact lenses, and how you got so mad.
RD: Your highness, I got this e-mail for contact lenses, I was so mad.
DE: I cannot believe it.
RD: Have you ever heard of such a thing?
DE: Yes, from Yellow a few seconds ago, you had no need to repeat it to me.
BD: That reminds me, your highness, Red got an e-mail for contact lenses, he was really mad, tell him about it, Red.
RD: Well, the other day…
DE: (Angrily interrupting) I’ve already heard, and I don’t care any more. Where is the control room?
RD: It’s where the Doctor and his companions are.
BD: We locked them in there, pretty smart, wasn’t it?
DE: So the only way I can blow up this world is to meet the Doctor again?
RD: Yes, but you could kill him.
DE: But that’s the hard part.
BD: I could help kill him, he’s nothing against my gun.
DE: Are you sure about that?
RD: I recon I can take him.
YD: What, now?
BD: Yes, of course, there’s no time like the present.
YD: But Eastenders is about to begin, I’ll miss it.
DE: Isn’t destroying this planet more important to you?
YD: Well, I have become quite attached to the show.
DE: I’ll rephrase it for you, isn’t doing what your Emperor wants more important?
RD: Yellow, we’re going back.
YD: I’ll never find out what happens at that funeral I Eastenders now.
BD: But this way, we can destroy Earth.
DE: And finish off the Doctor, I’ve waited so long for this day.
RD: Let’s get going then.

(The Daleks go back down the corridors, and come to a crossroads. They are confused.)

DE: Which way is it now?
RD: I have no idea.
DE: You’ve been down here for ages. Now can you not know where everything is?!
BD: The corridors seem o change, I never know where they all lead.
DE: Flip a coin or something, then we’ll chose that route.
RD: Okay, er, Blue, have you got any change?
BD: No, how about you, Yellow?
YD: No, sorry.
DE: Quickly, we must chose.
RD: I’ve got an idea. Yellow could go in to the centre and spin. Wherever Yellow stops, that’s the way we go.
BD: Good idea. Go!
YD: I’m not sure if it’s a good idea, maybe we could…
DE: (Interrupting.) GO!

(The Yellow Dalek goes to the crossroad centre, and spins around. It stops diagonally, pointing at a corner of wall.)

DE: It’s decided! We go that way!

(The Dalek Emperor kicks the wall open and steps through. The Red and Blue Daleks blow parts of the wall away and follow. The Yellow Dalek is dizzy, and tries to follow, but hits some of the walls, ten goes through the gap.)

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, Captain Jack, Harriet Jones, K-9, Sarah Jane Smith, Red Dalek, Blue Dalek, Yellow Dalek, and the Dalek Emperor.

(It’s still pitch black in the main control room.)

CJ: Okay! Calm down!
G: Ahhh! My leg!
R: Mind where you’re thrusting it.
S: Ah, it just got me.
D: It’s a bit too big if you ask me.
H: It is, my walking sticks are normally smaller than this walking stick, sorry.
S: No! I’ve dropped my lipstick.
G: Oh, I’ve found it.
S: Good, pass it over to me.
G: Where are you?
S: Just hold it out, an I’ll try to find it.
G: Fine.
R: Ouch, that’s my eye, I’ll slap you!
CJ: That was me, I’ll kick you for that.
H: Ahhh, my knee! Indra, get him!
K-9: Indra is not alive in here.
H: Well, he will be here soon.
D: I think I can hear something coming.

(It is all quiet.)

R: They’re coming from my right.
G: (Sarcastic.) Oh, that’s great information, all I need to know, is where you’re standing.
CJ: They sound very loud.
D: K-9, what’s coming, and why are they so loud?
K-9: It’s the four Daleks, and they seem to be smashing walls to get here.
H: That can’t be good for the wiring.
K-9: We must get out of here.
R: But we don’t know where the doors are.
K-9: I could scan for them.
CJ: And you didn’t want to mention that earlier?
K-9: I was not asked.
H: Just let him locate the exits.
K-9: There is one in the north wall.
D: Lead us to it, the blow it up, light should flood in, and we can get out.
K-9: Okay, master.

(The door explodes, and light floods in from a door. All the people in the room are mixed into each other in a small crowd.)

D: K-9, I told you to go to the door, you could have shot someone if they were in the way.
K-9: That was not me, master.

(The Dalek Emperor and Red, Blue, and Yellow, who’s still dizzy, Daleks enter, using the door frame.)

DE: You will be exterminated!
D: No, we won’t.
RD: It’s still are little dark in here.
BD: Turn the lights back on, Yellow.#
YD: Okay.

(The Yellow Dalek goes to the control panel, it spins around on the way, and knocks over a filling cabinet, and a water cooler. The Dalek reaches the control panel, and touches it with its sucker, the lights turn on.)

DE: Good, now we can deal with these people.
S: Can I have my lipstick, Gwen?
G: Oh, sure.

(Sarah takes her sonic lipstick back from Gwen.)

RD: Shall I exterminate them?
DE: I think it is only fitting that I deal with them.

(The lights turn off.)

YD: Sorry.
DE: Turn them on! Quickly!
RD: Exterminate!

(A Dalek beam shots through the air, and blows up a piece of machinery in a shower of sparks.)

BD: Do not randomly fire.
DE: Turn these lights on!

(The lights turn back on. Captain Jack has Harriet’s walking stick, and she sits on a computer chair.)

DE: Why have you got computer chairs? You don’t sit down.
RD: They came with the underground base. Great estate agents we went to, I can tell you.
BD: Exterminate!
RD Exterminate!

(The lights turn off again.)

D: Move!

(Everybody runs around and two beam blow plaster out of the opposite wall. The lights turn back on.)

RD: Exterminate!

(The beam hit’s a metal pipe on the roof, it comes loose, and falls onto the Blue Dalek, destroying its ‘head’ and cutting it in half. The pieces explode.)

DE: Your idiotic behaviour has caused a Dalek’s death. I will do this.

(The Dalek Emperor stamps over to Gwen, it raises its fist.)

CJ: NO!

(Jack throws the walking stick at the Dalek Emperor. It knocks the Emperor aside, and the rubber end falls off, to reveal a dagger blade. The walking stick goes straight for the Yellow Dalek, and pierces the main part, killing the mutant. The metal pieces fall off as a pile on the floor.)

D: Oh, the lights didn’t go out.
R: Harriet, why is there a dagger in your walking stick?
H: I don’t know, it was a present from you.
R: Oh yeah.
RD: I’ll take care of this woman for you, your highness.
DE: What?

(The Emperor still has his fist raised in front of Gwen. The Red Dalek runs towards Gwen, its chainsaw spinning.)

CJ: NO!

(Jack pushes the Red Dalek as it reaches Gwen, it falls back a little, and its chainsaw swings around, and into the Dalek Emperor mutant. It cuts into the mutant, sending organs and mutant flesh everywhere as the Emperor screams.)

RD: No, your highness!

(The Emperor’s body falls forwards, its legs smash into the Red Dalek, sending them both to the ground, the Emperor on top of the Red Dalek, the metal lags of the Emperor slowly crush the Red Dalek.)

RD: Ahhh! Our dream was not completed!

(The Red Dalek is squashed to an inch thick, and is dead.)

R: That’s what I call a size zero model.

Sir Leopold

Episode 11 : The Doctor’s Drinking

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, Captain Jack, and Harriet Jones.

(The Doctor talks to Rose, while Jack talks to Gwen, and K-9, Harriet, and Sarah Jane talk. The destroyed Dalek pieces lay everywhere in their underground base.)

R: The Daleks are all gone?
D: Well, the Emperor and those primary coloured ones.
CJ: I think that’s all of them.
G: Torchwood records only said of a blue and yellow one left.
S: I’m glad they’ve all gone, I spent ages here trying to stop them.
K-9: What shall we do now mistress?
S: I’m not sure. Doctor, what are you doing now?
D: Sitting in an underground Dalek base.
S: No, no, I mean after we all leave this place.
D: I’m not sure, what should we all do next?
R: Go on that date you still owe me?
G: You still owe me one Jack.
CJ: I could take you on one.
K-9: What about all the remaining aliens?
CJ: We’re not taking them with us.
S: No, he meant what are you going to do about all the aliens?
D: Well, I reckon the Torchwood Tower could help.
H: It did all start from there.
G: Are we going with them?
CJ: I don’t mind, it could be quite fun.
D: You don’t have to.
R: But their help could be useful.
G: Then we’re going.
K-9: Should we go there now?
R: You two are also coming?
S: I see no reason not to. I want to put a stop to all this alien trouble.
R: Let’s go!

(She walks to the doorway.)

R: Does anybody actually know how to get out of here?
D: Well, we came in through the entrance that was… I have no idea.
G: Do you know Sarah Jane? You’ve been down here for ages, I’m sure you now your way around.
S: No, I don’t, that’s the reason I’ve been down here, I couldn’t get out.
CJ: Well, let’s try.

(Sarah Jane, followed by everyone else leave the room and enter a destroyed corridor.)

R: Why’s all this destroyed?
K-9: The Emperor smashed his way through the base to get at us, he knocked down a lot of walls.
G: He destroyed his own base?
D: K-9, don’t you have some sort of teleport function?
K-9: No, sorry, master.
CJ: Would my Vortex Manipulator get us out?
D: Of course, I’m glad I fixed it now.
R: Could it transport all of us at once?
CJ: I don’t know, I’ve only ever used it for two people.
K-9: The device will only carry four of us.
R: And there are so many of use, we’ll need about three hundred trips.
H: What are you talking about? There’s only forty two of us.
R: Oh yeah, sorry, I failed my maths GCSE.
G: There’s only seven of us! What grade did you get?
R: “G“.
H: “Z“.
G: A “Z”?
H: Yeah, highest mark in my days.
D: Anyway, could we teleport to the TARDIS, I could come back and pick everyone up?
CJ: We could, so who’s coming?

(Everyone except Harriet says “me!”.)

S: So we all want to go.
H: Go where?
G: So, Harriet’s not going. Who is then?
D: We need to decide fairly.
CJ: I’ve got a pack of cards, we could play one hand of poker.
H: Are those the alien playing cards?
CJ: Yeah.
H: I’ve got a set of those, straight from the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
G: Jack! You’ve shopped there?!
CJ: No, Owen got them for me for Christmas.
D: Let’s just play, or we’ll be here forever.

Scene 2

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, and Blue Gelth.

(Yvonne and Bilis are following the floating Gelth to Torchwood Tower, they are very close.)

Y: Oh yes, we’re almost there.
BG: True, not far now.
B: What will we do when we get there?
Y: I never really thought about that. Well, first I suppose we could see my staff.
B: If they’re still in there.
Y: I would expect them to be. I didn’t give them time off.
BG: Maybe some aliens took over Torchwood Tower.
Y: Hardly, with the weapons in that place, it would be almost impossible to get into.
B: So how are we going to get in?
Y: Don’t worry about that, it’s defences are weak. We’ll easily get in.
BG: I wouldn’t be so sure that weapons can stop some of those aliens in Torchwood’s prisons.
B: You was in the Torchwood prison?
BG: Yes, for a few hundred years actually.
B: Couldn’t you just float through the wall, and escape?
Y: It would be almost impossible to escape those prisons.
BG: Except loads of aliens did.
Y: How?
BG Those warders left the doors open, unluckily never to my cell, but a least a hundred aliens got out.
Y: Why wasn’t I told?!
BG: The warders probably didn’t want to get fired, so just kept pretending the prisoners were still down there. I enjoyed it for a about eighty years, free food, no bills, it was the best life I could hope for. Except there was no hot water.
Y: No hot water? There’s always water in Torchwood Tower.
BG: Not in the basement prisons, no one had nice, hot water down there.
B: I hate boilers that break down, I was once in a retirement home, in Cardiff, taking a tour of course, to see if anyone would buy some clocks, and there was no hot water, it was impossible to have a bath, er…er… I mean, sell a clock.
BG: My great grandma is from Cardiff.
B: Very nice. Anyway, there was no hot water, so I moved out, I mean… went to another house to sell clocks.

(The three of them arrive at Torchwood Tower. The glass on the doors is broken, and Yvonne enters, then Bilis, then the Gelth.)

B: That security was very high. I t seemed as though I just walked in normally.
Y: Oh, be quite, we’re here now.
B: So, where to now?
Y: Top floor, that’s where my staff will be.

(Yvonne and Bilis go to the elevator.)

BG: (In an evil voice.) You will be meeting my parents, come with me!

Scene 3

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Harriet Jones, K-9, and Sarah Jane Smith.

(Rose, Jack, Gwen, Harriet, K-9, and Sarah Jane sit on the floor while the Doctor sits down shuffling a pack of cards.)

D: Here are your cards.

(The Doctor deals two cards to each of the players, then puts the pack in the centre.)

R: Oh yes! This hand is great! But they must make some of these up, I mean, ‘Rose Tyler’, where did they get that one from?
S: Is that one of your cards?
R: Yes, but who is it?
H: I don’t know either, about half of these cards are made up, like this one I’ve got, ’The Doctor’, what a silly idea.
D: Let’s just play.
CJ: I’ll start, and fold.
G: I’ll put a card back and draw another. (She does so.)
S: I’m staying with what I’ve got.
K-9: My hand is the WORST! (He uses a nose cannon to blow up his cards.) How on Earth was two ‘Cybermen’ going to help me?!
D: I’ll bet fifty pounds.
R: We’re not betting, it’s just one round, with no money, and besides, you don’t have fifty pounds.
D: I might have that much money, anyway, I’ll stick.
R: Stick what?
D: It’s the poker term for keeping your hand.
R: Okay, I’ll also glue.
H: I’ll prit stick as well.
G: This game is taking too long. Just quickly show the three cards and we’ll finish then.
D: Okay, calm down, what’s the worst that can happen in half an hour?
G: There’s aliens all over London, most of them are dangerous, there are loads of things that could happen in half an hour.
D: Okay, we’ll speed up the game.

(The Doctor turns over the three cards, there are three different Cybermen.)

K-9: What?! I could of had five of a kind! Give me back my cards!
S: You destroyed them, how can I?
G: Just ignore him. Let’s lay down our hands. (She shows a Graske and a Slitheen.) That’s three of a kind for the Cybermen.
S: (She shows a Dalek Sec and a Dalek Caan.) I’ve got three of a kind, and a pair.
K-9: I would have had five of a kind, but someone, not naming Sarah Jane, told me to destroy my cards.
S: I never told you to.
K-9: Oh yes you did.
R: Shut up, what have you got, Doctor?
D (He shows a sonic screwdriver and a sonic lipstick.) Same as Sarah Jane.
R: As for me. (She shows two Rose Tylers.) I don’t think I’ve got anything at all.
H: (She shows The Doctor and Yvonne Hartman.) Read them a beep.
CJ: It’s read them and weep, but why should we?
H: That’s a royal flush.
G: Royal flush?! Where?!
H: Doctor, Cyberman, Punching Cyberman, Cyberman with eye closed, and Yvonne, that’s a royal flush.
G: No it isn’t.
CJ: (Quickly.) So I’m glad this is settled, me, Gwen, the Doctor, and Rose are going.
K-9: What?!
S: I beat Rose.
H: What about my royal flush?!
D: Sounds fine to me, Jack. Come on Rose.

(The Doctor, Gwen, Rose, and Captain Jack hold the Vortex Manipulator, and they disappear.)

H: My royal flush won me that game!
S: Oh, shut up, you make up the rules as you go along.
K-9: (Angry.) And I lost my cards because you told me to do it, Sarah Jane!

(K-9 shoots at Sarah Jane, the shots miss, and Sarah Jane runs down the corridor.)

Scene 4

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, and Blue Gelth.

(Yvonne and Bilis back away towards the elevator, as the Blue Gelth floats towards them.)

BG: You will come with me. This is the final time I will say it. My parents will be very happy to see you two.
Y: What do you want with us?
BG: I want you to come with me.
Y: You said you wasn’t going to say that again.
BG: Well, I lied.
B: What do your parents want with us?
BG: They just want to see you.
B: And then they’ll such out our brains and have them for lunch.
BG: Of course not, that would be barbaric.
B: Oh, that’s good then.
BG: We’ll take your brains and eat them for dinner, it’s way too late for lunch.

(Yvonne and Bilis stand against the elevator door.)

Y: We’re trapped.
BG: Now unfortunate. Looks like you will do what I want now.
Y: And what’s that?
BG: Come with me.
B: You said it again, you’ve lied twice.
BG: Oh, well, it doesn’t matter. My family are in the basement, if you would go first.
Y: (Shocked.) There’s a basement here? I’ve never heard of one. Is it new?
BG: There’s been a basement for ages, it’s called the prison.
Y: Oh, yeah, that’s been here for quite some time.

(Yvonne presses an elevator button, no one realises except her.)

BG: Will you come quietly? Or will I have to force you?
B: I’ll come quietly, I’ve got a dry throat, and don’t feel like shouting that much.
Y: We’re not coming at all.
BG: (Shocked.) What do you mean?!
Y: The elevator will take us away.

(Yvonne turns around to face the elevator doors. Above the doors is a little screen that reads “Floor 2”.)

Y: (Facing the Blue Gelth.) Could you just wait for a few seconds?
BG: Oh, of course, if I was so intelligent as to not let you get away, how would I wear myself out trying to catch up to you?

(The elevator doors open, Yvonne jumps in and pulls Bilis by the cravat. The doors close.)

BG: Wait a minute, I don’t want them to escape.

(Back in the elevator: Yvonne stands up, and Bilis is rubbing is neck and holding a ripped cravat.)

B: You ripped my cravat.
Y: I bought you that, it doesn’t matter that much.
B: Could that ghost thing actually touch us?
Y: What do you mean?
B: When it healed me after I was stunned, I couldn’t feel it.
Y: Maybe it can’t, anyway, we’ve escaped it now.
B: Are you sure it can’t go through walls?
Y: I hope it can’t.
B: This cravat was my best friend, you killed him.
Y: I’ll buy you another one for Christmas.
B: A solid gold one?
Y: Okay, a solid gold one.

(The Blue Gelth comes through the wall, into the elevator.)

B: Ahhh! It’s back!
BG: You will come with me.
Y: We’ve already told you that you keep saying that even though you said that you will only say it once and…
BG: (Interrupting.) I don’t care! I always lie! Shut up!

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, and Gwen

(The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, and Captain Jack appear in the Tate Modern, next to the TARDIS.)

D: Well, we’re here.
R: Let’s get in and fly off to K-9, and Sarah Jane Smith.
CJ: Do you think they’ll be angry with us?
G: Of course not.
R: We only left them, it’s not as I K-9 will shot them, or something like that.
D: Yeah, but it would be funny if that happened.
CJ: Are we going in?
G: Come on, I wanna see the inside of this TARDIS.
D: Go on in then.

(The Doctor opens the door, Gwen, Jack, Rose, and then the Doctor go in. The Doctor closes the doors behind him.)

G: It’s smaller on the inside.
D: Oh, is it, I hadn’t realised.
CJ: I think it’s actually bigger on the inside.
G: Oh, bigger, smaller, they’re the same things really.
R: (Sarcastic.) Almost.
CJ: So this is the only room?
D: Of course not, I’ve got a room for nearly everything in here.
G: A casino?
D: Yep, room two hundred and four.
CJ: A gym?
R: There’s four of them.
D: But you do have to get memberships for each one.
G: Wow, this place has got a lot.
CJ: What about a mini-bar?
D: Yes, I have, it’s newly fitted actually.

(The Doctor claps his hands, and a panel on the central control panel slowly lifts up to reveal a mini-bar with about one hundred small bottles.)

G: WOW! How many bottles are there?
D: Ninety-six.
G: Will I have heard of them?
D: Not really, eighty of those aren’t available in Cardiff.
CJ: So we’ve heard of around sixteen?
R: Ninety-six take away eighty is three thousand, can’t you count, Jack?
G: Can I have a few bottles?
D: Go straight ahead, but let’s not get drunk, we do have to get back to Sarah Jane Smith.
R: When shall we pick them up?
CJ: Oh, later, let’s have a good time first.

(Gwen and Captain Jack run to the mini-bar and start looking at the bottles. The Doctor and Rose walk over to meet them.)

G: (Looking at a bottle.) What’s this, it’s called ’Strongbow’?
D: It’s an English thing, you wouldn’t have heard of it.
R: (Looking at a bottle.) What’s ‘Moxx Juice’?
D: It’s an alcohol from the future.
R: Cool, an alien drink. (She drinks it.) Tastes of bacon.
D: That’s what it’s meant to be like.
G: I’ve found an alien drink, it’s called ‘Stella’. I won’t drink it though, I hate bacon.
R: (Whispering.) Is ‘Stella’ an alien drink?
D: (Whispering back.) No, it’s even in Cardiff.
CJ: Wow, Jabe fluid. (He drinks it.)
D: No, don’t drink that!
CJ: (He finishes the bottle.) It’s quite nice. (He moves his lips, but no sound comes out.)
D: He won’t be able to talk for an hour or so, that drink was only meant for trees.
G: Oh well, let’s drink.

(All four of them continue to pick up bottles and drink.)

Scene 6

Characters: Sarah Jane Smith, K-9, Harriet Jones, The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, and Captain Jack.

(K-9 shoots at Sarah Jane while she runs down a corridor. Harriet slowly follows, looking at the ceiling.)

S: K-9, stop.
K-9: I should have won that game! You told me to destroy my cards!
S: No I didn’t. Harriet, help me!
H: I’m not helping, last time I tried to get rid of this talking trash can, I nearly broke my foot.
K-9: What did you call me?
H: A broken foot?
K-9: No, before that.
H: A talking trash can. That’s what you are, isn’t it?
K-9: (Angry.) That is NOT what I am.

(K-9 turns to face Harriet Jones, and shoots in her direction, she does not realise.)

H: What’s going on? What happened to the shots?
K-9: Die, old mistress!

(K-9 shoots at Harriet Jones again, it almost gets her leg, and she jumps.)

H: Ahhh! Stop it! Sarah Jane, help me.
S: Why should I, I could brake my foot?

(K-9 shoots at Harriet’s hip, and it hits it, and bounces off, right into K-9’s nose.)

H: That metal hip replacement was brand new three years ago.
K-9: (Back to his normal self.) Sorry, old mistress. I didn’t mean it.
S: When will the Doctor be back?

(The TARDIS flies down the corridor, smashing into the walls and floor. It stops in front of Harriet, and the Doctor, Rose, Gwen, and Captain Jack stumble out. They are all drunk.)

S: You took your time.
D: No, we took our time.
R: Yeah, our time is your time, and so on.
S: (Shocked.)Are you drunk?
G: No, of course not. (She falls over.) We’re just merry.
CJ: Why would we get drunk when we have an important mission to do?
H: You all smell of alcohol.
D: We haven’t been drinking, maybe you have been.
K-9: No, you have, my scans show that between you, you’ve drunk around ninety-six mini bottles of alcohol.
R: How silly, we only had ninety, or so.
G: Here’s one for you, Sarah Jane.

(Gwen throws the bottle at Sarah Jane Smith, it hit’s a hanging wire from the ceiling, and catches fire, then it hit’s the floor and starts a small fire in front of Sarah Jane.)

CJ: Don’t worry, I’ll put it out.

(Jack walks over to the fire and keeps stamping on it. Jack’s boot catches fire.)

D: (Laughing.) That brandy you spilt on your boot is catching fire.

(Gwen gets up and walks over to Jack, she gets a mini bottle out of her pocket.)

G: I’ll put it out with this.

(Gwen pours alcohol on Jack’s boot, and she spills some on his trousers, the fire spreads along the alcohol.)

S: You’re going to kill us all. K-9, Harriet, help me get them into the TARDIS.
R: TARDIS?! Is that a nightclub?
D: Sounds like a pretty crap one.
H: It’s just through those blue doors.

(Harriet points at the TARDIS doors. The Doctor and Rose walk in.)

R: Is that man blind? Those doors were pink.
D: No, no, they were orange.
S: Jack, Gwen! Get into the TARDIS!
CJ: Like I’ll listen to you and go in there! (To Gwen.) Come on, Gwen, let’s go to that nightclub.

(Jack and Gwen go into the TARDIS.)

G: Sure, we’ll leave this granny to her pension.
S: K-9, could you put out that fire?
K-9: Of course, mistress.

(K-9 shots water from his nose, and puts out the fire. Harriet, Sarah Jane Smith, and K-9 go into the TARDIS, where Rose and the Doctor are fighting.)

R: Pink!
D: Orange!

Scene 7

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, Blue Gelth, and Pink Cyberman.

(Yvonne and Bilis stand in a moving elevator, facing the Blue Gelth.)

BG: We are finished with this game of chase. It has been fun, but it needs to end.
Y: We won’t give into you!
BG: I don’t think you have much choice, there is no where for you to run.
B: But you can’t touch us, why should we be scared?
BG: What do you mean I can’t touch you?
B: You’re transparent, and a ghost, you can go through us, but you can’t touch us.
BG: You lie!
Y: He’s correct, I now remember reading about it on the Torchwood online database.
BG: Oh, well done, you’ve worked me out. (In a kind voice.) Could you please come with me?
B: No.
BG: Pretty please with a cravat on top?
B: Erm, that’s quite tempting.
Y: No, we’re not going with you.
BG: Okay, I give up, see you around.

(The Blue Gelth goes through the elevator floor.)

B: Have you really read about it on the Torchwood online database?
Y: Of course not, but it good rid of him, didn’t it?

(The elevator stops, and the doors open showing a long, quite destroyed corridor. Yvonne and Bilis walk down it.)

B: So where are your staff?
Y: They should be around here somewhere, maybe on a coffee brake.
B: Shall we check in this room?

(Bilis points to a door labelled “Cybergirl”.)

B: What’s in there?
Y: I’m not sure, but going by the name, I think it’s a canteen.
B: Well you’re the manager, you’re probably correct.
Y: Well, let’s go in then.

(Bilis and Yvonne enter a room full of pink furniture and on a fluffy pink chair is a Pink Cyberman.)

PC: Hello darlings. Do you have that handbag I asked for?
Y: Who are you?
B: This isn’t a canteen.
PC: I’m a Cybergirl. And of course this isn’t a canteen, that’s just down the corridor, it’s labelled “Reprographics”.
Y: What are you doing I here?
PC: Well, I live I here, but at this moment I’m waiting for my designer handbag.
B: Who’s bringing you this designer handbag?
PC: An old man. (She points at Bilis.) He looks a lot like you, are you sure you’re not him?
Y: No, he’s not.
PC: Then do you have my handbag?
Y: No sorry.
PC: Have you got any lipstick then?
B: No, none of that either.
PC: What is a woman like me to do?
Y: You could always tell me where my staff are.
PC: Oh, you must be Yvonne Fartman?
Y: No, you’ve got my last name wrong.
PC: So you are Yvonne?
Y: Yes, do you know where my staff are?
PC: I saw them in that “Brain Surgery” room.
B: Thanks.
Y: Let’s get going then.
PC: Oh, good day.

(Yvonne and Bilis leave the room and walk down the corridor.)

B: So where’s the “Brain Surgery” room?
Y: I have no clue, we’ll go to the main office, then check from there.
B: So where’s the main office?
Y: I don’t know, first we’ll go to my office, to check where the main office is, and then from the main office to the “Brain Surgery” room.
B: Do you know where your office is?
Y: Of course, I am the manager of this building, you know?

(A gun shoots, Bilis falls back, a bullet hole in his forehead, he falls to the floor, and is dead. Yvonne turns to see a pistol being held by a smiling Bilis Manger.)

Sir Leopold

Episode 12 : Savage Scientists

Scene 1

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Bilis Manger, and Gareth

(Yvonne looks at the smiling Bilis Manger who holds a gun that just shot and killed another Bilis Manger.)

Y: What, what’s going on?
B: I can’t be bothered to explain it all, you’ll learn soon enough.
Y: Are you my real dad, or did you just kill him? How many copies of my dad are there?
B: There’s only one copy.
Y: But you just killed one, and you’re another one, so there’s at least two.
B: Neither of us are your real dad.
Y: So Bilis Manger isn’t my dad?
B: Exactly, well done.
Y: So who is then?
B: I don’t know.
Y: I always thought it was him.
B: Didn’t you ever realise that you had different last names?
Y: I never thought about it much, I guessed there was a good explanation.
B: Well, leave me alone, go and annoy someone else.

(Bilis walks off down the corridor, Yvonne runs after him and walks beside him.)

Y: So you just shot a clone of yourself?
B: Yes.
Y: But why?
B: He was annoying me, and he was no longer of use, it seemed pointless to keep him around.
Y: But where did you get the technology to clone humans to the exact age as the original?
B: We’re in Torchwood Tower, it would be very hard not to find technology.
Y: So why did I always think that he was my dad?
B: Probably some Torchwood radiation that changed your mind, but I don’t know exactly. You were nothing to do with my plan.
Y: What is your plan?
B: That is not for you to know.

(Gareth walks out of a room and stops next to Yvonne and Bilis, who also stop.)

G: Hello sir, is this woman annoying you?
Y: This woman?! I am your boss, Gareth!
B: Not any more, a new boss has taken over, you’ve been fired.
Y: But this is unfair, I can’t be fired, take me to this new boss, we’ll see who’s better.
B: My thoughts exactly, Gareth, take this woman to the new boss.
G: Of course sir. Come with me please.
B: Good luck.

(Bilis walks into the room Gareth left, and Gareth leads Yvonne down a few more corridors.)

Y: He moved quickly into that room, how old is he? He looks ninety odd.
G: He’s your father, shouldn’t you know his age?
Y: He’s not actually my father, like I thought, it’s something to do with Torchwood radiation.
G: How interesting.
Y: So, who’s the new boss, is she any good?
G: She’s alright, wouldn’t give me the time off I asked for.
Y: What a selfish bitch.
G: You never let me.
Y: That was different, I didn’t want you getting that lifesaving heart operation, I needed you to get me a cup of coffee much more urgently, and I hate the look of this place, it’s gone to the dumps.
G: Do you mind?! I spent ages making it look like this paradise. Nothing is wrong, nothings a mess, and it’s all perfectly safe.

(A light falls from the ceiling and lands on Gareth’s head, he falls to the floor and gets up. They carry on walking.)

Y: So where is this new boss’s office? In my office I guess?
G: In a new office we built for her.
Y: So this boss is a woman? What a bad investment for the place, a woman boss, how ridiculous.
G: Yes, how silly, anyway, her new office is your old one, and your three bedrooms that bordered it all knocked into one.
Y: How big is this woman?
G: Quite large, and by the way, we found a few bills in your bedroom drawers, does Torchwood Tower really owe one billion pounds to local banks?

(They turn into a wide corridor that ends in a door, they walk towards it.)

Y: Yes, all that money was spent on much needed staff and advancements.
G: Like your pay rise, and a beach house for you in Spain?
Y: Torchwood really did need those things.

(They arrive a the door, a sign above the door reads “BOSS”. Yvonne opens the door and steps inside, then she screams.)

Scene 2

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Harriet Jones, K-9, and Sarah Jane Smith.

(The Doctor and Rose are fighting in the TARDIS while Harriet, K-9, and Sarah Jane watch in horror, and Jack and Gwen laugh and encourage the fight. Mini bottles are all over the floor.)

D: They were so orange!
R: Na ah, pink! Pink!
S: Stop this childish behaviour!

(Sarah Jane takes a step forward and trips on a mini bottle, she falls on her back.)

CJ: Looks like Sarah Jane is drunk.
G: Yeah, she shouldn’t drink the while mini bar. (She bursts out in laughter.)
H: Stop he fight!
D: But those doors were orange.
R: They were pink!

(Rose takes off her high-heeled shoes and holds them like weapons in her hands.)

R: Come on Doctor, we’ll settle this like women.
CJ: Oh, a real fight, come on Doctor! (He cheers.)
G: Go Rose!
D: It’s only fair if I have a weapon.
R: Well, get one then.

(The Doctor pulls out his sonic screwdriver.)

H: I said stop!
S: (Getting up.) We must get to Torchwood.
R: This shoe will be no use.

(Rose throws her shoe at the Doctor, he ducks and it gets stuck in the TARDIS wall just behind him. Rose pulls out her sonic screwdriver.)

D: You don’t even know how to use that!
R: Just watch me!

(Rose aims the sonic screwdriver at the Doctor. The sonic screwdriver beeps and the shoe in the wall explodes. The Doctor falls forward, but quickly gets up, and the high heel is thrown at Harriet, and it hits her in-between the eyes, she faints, and falls to the floor.)

D: Oh, not again!
R: That’s not all I’ve got!

(The sonic screwdriver beeps again and the empty bottles on the floor begin to attract to the end of Rose’s sonic screwdriver. After a few seconds, there is quite a big ball of bottles at the sonic screwdriver’s end and she drops it because it is so heavy.)

R: These screwdrivers can do anything.
D: I know, watch this.

(The Doctor aims his sonic screwdriver at Rose, the sonic screwdriver beeps and her stunning hair becomes grey.)

R: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
G: Ha, old woman! (She explodes with laughter and falls to the floor.)
CJ: It’s worse than Bilis’s. (He laughs just as much as Gwen.)
S: STOP!
D: NO!
K-9: Stop master, before you destroy your TARDIS.
D: I won’t destroy it, I’ll just break it to pieces.

(The Doctor beeps the sonic screwdriver again but Rose has moved, and she takes a running kick at him, it hits him, and he falls towards the central control panel. The sonic screwdriver continues to beep, and the panel slowly explodes, sending sparks everywhere.)

K-9: Master, you are destroying the TARDIS!
S: This calls for drastic measures.
G: Do you mean like one thousand metres? (She laughs more.)

(Sarah Jane pulls out her sonic lipstick and it beeps.)

G: What are you doing? (She laughs.)
S: Sleep function, you’ll be asleep in a few seconds.

(Everybody, except Sarah Jane and K-9 fall asleep. Sarah Jane carefully makes her way towards the central control panel, as the mini bottles have been released from Rose’s sonic screwdriver and are rolling everywhere.)

Scene 3

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Gareth, and the Racnoss Empress.

(Yvonne stands in the office doorway, facing a huge red spider, the Racnoss Empress. The office is large, and is full of cobwebs, desks, and cabinets. Gareth pushes past Yvonne and walks in.)

RE: So who is thisss you bring me? My next meal? She looks a little fatty, but I hope you brought the salt and tomato sssauce.
G: N, your highness.
RE: (Angry.) Well then, I ssshall eat you both if you have decided to bring no condiments.
G: No, no, I mean she is not your dinner, she is Yvonne Hartman.
RE: (No longer angry.) Well, misssss Hartman, you were the old bossss of this fine building.
Y: Yes, I was, and I think that…
RE: (Interrupting.) That wasss not a question, I know who you are, and I don’t care what you think. Thisss place is much better under my control.
Y: What have you done? This place is ruined. You can’t be doing the excellent experiments I was when I was manager.
RE: But my experimentsss are so much more important, without it, where would the Torchwood Online Catalogue be?
Y: On the internet?
RE: NO! It would not exist if I hadn’t changed thisss building.
G: Empress, may I go?
RE: Yessss, you may.
G: Thank you.

(Gareth leaves.)

Y: What are you anyway?
RE: The boss.
Y: No, I mean what sort of alien are you? A Dalek?
RE: A Dalek?! I am a Racnosss, the Empress in fact.
Y: Are there any other Rac…noses?
RE: We are the RACNOSS! And you should come with me to see what has really happened here.

(The Racnoss Empress moves out from behind her desk, knocking cabinets over and smashing chairs with her huge back and legs. She walks over to Yvonne, who leaves and the Racnoss Empress gets stuck in the door frame, she pushes, and the door frame breaks from the wall and is left on her back, she walks down the corridor with Yvonne.)

Y: So where are we going?
RE: I will show you the advancements I have made, you would never have dreamed of them.
Y: So how much do you get paid?
RE: I get nothing, same as the staff.
Y: You all work for free?
RE: Yes, unlike you and your four billion pounds pay rise, all money is invested in new experiments.
Y: Some of my pay rise was for a beach house.
RE: I don’t care, we’re here.

(The Empress walks through a very big door, and the frame on her back falls off, and hits Yvonne.)

Y: Ouch!
RE: Hurry up, come on in.

(Yvonne pushes the door frame off herself and goes into the room. It’s a large room with a high ceiling, tall blue glass containers are all along the walls, spanning the floor to the roof. At a large machine on the far wall is a group of short people in white lab coats, and all around are these dwarf scientists.)

Y: So what have you done here?
RE: Take a further look, you’ll be able to see the best invention in the universe.
Y: Where is it?
RE: Just look around, I’ll explain.

(Yvonne walks over to one of the glass containers, inside is a greenish blob)

Y: What are in these? Rocks?
RE: Of course not! They are much more important than rocks, if you want to see rocks, they’re next door.
Y: So this is what has happened to Torchwood?
RE: It’s great isn’t it? Come, see the success of the Torchwood Online Catalogue.

(The Racnoss Empress walks to the machine at the far wall, and Yvonne follows.)

Y: What?! That’s impossible?

Scene 4

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, K-9, Harriet Jones, and Sarah Jane Smith.

(Sarah Jane Smith and K-9 are at the TARDIS controls while the Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, and Harriet are asleep on the floor.)

S: K-9, do you know how to use these controls?
K-9: No, sorry mistress.
S: I’ll guess and hope I get it right.

(She presses a small blue button, the TARDIS shakes and water pours from the roof onto Sarah Jane, she is soaked.)

S: I suppose that isn’t it, but an instant shower can be useful sometimes.
K-9: Try pressing that green button.

(Sarah Jane goes to a green button and presses it.)

S: Nothing seems to be happening.

(The floor below Sarah Jane falls away and she falls into a small room a few metres below that is full of lettuce.)

S: What’s with all this lettuce? I know the Doctor needs his vitamins, but this is too much in my opinion.

(She struggles over the lettuce and opens a door. Sarah Jane stands in a long corridor, she slowly walks down it.)

S: So, how do I get back up?

(She walks past a bag full of pens.)

S: There must be a thousand or so pens in there, but the Doctor never seems to write anything, why would he need them? Oh well, he won’t miss a few.

(Sarah Jane takes a few pens and shoves them into her pocket. She walks on down the corridor, it’s a dead end, but on the left is a door named “Quick Elevator”. She opens the door to see a set of stairs, she slowly walks up them..)

S: Is this a TARDIS ’keep-fit’ course? Lettuce, and now a long set of stairs, what’s next? A treadmill that I need to run on to open a door?

(Sarah Jane comes to the end of the stairs and into a room with a closed door that’s wired up to a treadmill.)

S: Why do I even ask?

(She walks to the treadmill, then to the door, she uses her sonic lipstick to open it, and this reveals more stairs, she walks up them.)

S: Oh my god, maybe what I ask for is what happens. (She smiles.) So if I (she speaks loudly.) want to see a room full of cakes.

(She reaches the top of the stairs, and there’s a door, and a pile of greenish cakes beside it, she smiles and stuffs a cake into her mouth, then she looks disgusted and opens the door and runs into the main TARDIS room, she spit’s the green cake out. Everyone is walking around.)

K-9: My mistress is back?
D: And it looks like she just ate a spinach cake.
S: That was disgusting.
D: Did you have fun on the TARDIS fitness course?
S: (Sarcastic.) Oh, barrels of fun, why is it there?
R: I think it’s got something to do with the fact that the writer didn’t know what to do in this scene.
S: But why bother?
D: Well, I had to put my bag of pens somewhere.
CJ: What’s so good about these open?
D: They’re alien pens, my favourite collection.
G: How many are there?
D: Exactly three thousand and six.
R: Are they special?
D: Of course, if they’re not all in the bag, there could be a huge explosion.
CJ: Aren’t we going to Torchwood?
D: Oh yeah, sorry, let’s go.
H: Who’s Torchwood?
G: Don’t bother, let’s just go.
D: That’s fine by me.

(The Doctor runs around the control panel, pressing buttons, and the TARDIS begins to start up.)

Scene 5

Characters: Yvonne Hartman, Racnoss Empress, The Doctor, Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Harriet Jones, K-9, and Sarah Jane Smith.

(The Racnoss Empress and Yvonne stand at the large machine as the scientists continue to examine and run around the glass containers.)

Y: So this machine copies everything you put into it?
RE: Exactly, every object.
Y: And that includes people, or animals?
RE: Of courssse, people are sssimple to copy.
Y: I don’t believe you’re doing this.
RE: Isssn’t this an advancement you would have wanted?
Y: Yes, that’s why I can’t believe you made it, I wanted it first.
RE: But what would you have used it for?
Y: Cloning money, I could have been so rich.
RE: Which is what I’m doing to an extent, I’m just being legal, that’s the difference.
Y: We have quite a lot in common.
RE: True, maybe you could join me, you’ll be very useful.

(The TARDIS appears at the other side of the room. All the scientists stop and look at it, so do Yvonne and the Racnoss Empress.)

RE: Quick! Quick! Grab some weapons!

(The scientists pick up rulers, pens, pencils, and other items of stationery and crowd around the TARDIS, leaving a gap big enough for a few people around the TARDIS. The doors open and the Doctor, Rose, Jack and Gwen walk out. )

G: I always thought he’d be better with blonde hair.
R: Na, black is his true colour.
D: No it isn’t, everyone knows he is actually ginger, he can’t hide it that well.
CJ: That wig does nothing for him, he should take the racoon out of it.

(They realise the scientists are around them, and the Racnoss Empress and Yvonne walk towards the TARDIS.)

D: This is Torchwood Tower?
CJ: Seems it, but I would have thought it would be more elegant.
R: It looks like they’ve got no money.
G: Like the old boss took loads of money for a beach house, or something like that.

(Yvonne looks at the roof and whistles like she has done nothing wrong.)

D: So this is our welcoming party?
CJ: There’s no chocolate.
G: Or cards.
R: Or flowers.
D: All we get are free rulers and other stationery equipment. (He looks at a pen a scientist is pointing at him.) Is that an alien one? (He takes the pen and puts it into his pocket.)
RE: So, what bringsss you here?
D: Oh, a Racnoss. I never knew they were in Torchwood.

(Sarah Jane, K-9, and Harriet come out of the TARDIS, they are out of breath.)

S: Why hasn’t that trapdoor closed?
H: That exercise route was a stupid idea, but I got two pens.

(Harriet holds up two alien pens, and the Doctor snatches them back.)

D: They’re mine.
RE: (Angry.) You have ssstill not answered my question, why are you here?!
D: Well, I wanted to see what was going on here.

(He walks towards the Empress, and the scientists part to allow him past.)

D: Hello Yvonne, are you still he boss?
Y: No, this Racnoss Empress has taken over.
RE: All for the better, I sssay.

(Rose goes to walk to the Doctor, the scientists crowd around to keep her near the TARDIS.)

R: Doctor! They wont let me through.
D: Empress, allow Rose through.
RE: No, I ssshall not, I do not need her.
D: What are you on about?
RE: Thisss isss a trap, I’ve been waiting for you, scientists, get him!

(A few scientists grab the Doctor, he struggles to get away, but they won’t let go.)

RE: Get him to the cloning machine.
Y: What about the others?
RE: Ssscientists, kill them!
D: NOOO!

(The scientists lead the Doctor to the machine, he struggles, but cannot break free. Rose pushes the scientists out of the way, and runs towards the Doctor, but Yvonne kicks her, and Rose falls to the floor.)

Y: Should I finish her off, Empress?
RE: Yesss, scientists, put up a force field!

(A force field appears around the cloning machine, protecting the Doctor, the scientists holding him, and the machine.)

Y: Goodbye, Rose.
R: No you don’t.

(Rose jumps up off the floor as Yvonne goes to stab her with her high heel shoe. Rose runs to the TARDIS, and she pulls everyone else in.)

Y: Don’t let them escape!

(The TARDIS doors close and it disappears.)

RE: Yvonne, go after them. Stop them from whatever they’re going to do.
Y: How?
RE: Take the scientists, and use that technology you’ve got in your watch.
Y: Okay, come on scientists!

(Yvonne leaves with the scientists and looks at her watch, it shows a screen with a map of Torchwood and a small red dot labelled “TARDIS” is loving around.)

Scene 6

Characters: Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, K-9, Sarah Jane Smith, and Yvonne Hartman.

(The TARDIS appears in a small corridor with pipes and tubes along the walls. The doors open and Rose runs out. Jack, Gwen, K-9, and Sarah Jane come out and stand beside Rose.)

R: Quick, we must stop that machine, but how?
CJ: We don’t even know what it does.
G: That spider called it a cloning machine.
S: Is that true, K-9?
K-9: Yes, mistress, that machine can clone anything, including people.
CJ: Does the Doctor count?
K-9: Yes, they’ll copy him.
R: Then we must stop it.
G: Have we got any weapons?
CJ: I’ve got a sonic blaster.
R: And I’ve got a sonic screwdriver.
S: I’ve got my lipstick.
K-9: And I have a gun for a nose.
R: So how does that help us?
G: These wires around us, they must be for the top of Torchwood, we could destroy them.
R: But how do you now that these wires power that cloning machine?
S: It says so on that sign.

(Sarah Jane Smith points to a sign reading “Cloning Machine Power Supply - Do Not Destroy”.)

G: So let’s begin.
CJ: But we might be chased.
K-9: Than run down this corridor, blowing things up.
S: But Gwen has no weapon.
CJ: What about this… (He picks up a metal pipe from the floor.) This pipe. (He hands it to Gwen.)
G: Oh, thanks.
R: Let’s go then.
S: Charge!

(They runs down the corridor, Rose, Jack, and Sarah Jane use their sonic devices to make the cables explode, sending sparks everywhere, and K-9’s laser blasts metal from the walls, and Gwen’s pipe breaks in half as soon as she swings it, so she drops it and just runs with everyone else.)

R: For the Doctor!
CJ: For Time Lords!

(They reach a dead end and fall into each other in a pile on the floor as they didn’t realise to stop.)

S: Do you think we’ve destroyed enough?
G: I sure hope so.
R: Come on, we must destroy more.

(A scream from Harriet is heard from down the corridor, and running at the pile of bodies is Yvonne and the army of scientists. The group lead by Yvonne stop before the pile and Yvonne aims a pink sonic screwdriver at Rose.)

Y: Your days of destroying are over. Hand over your weapons and then you can come wit me.
R: Not likely!

(Rose stands up and beeps her sonic screwdriver at Yvonne, her hair catches fire.)

Y: Is that all you can do?
R: Isn’t that bad enough?
Y: That doesn’t match up to me at all.

(Yvonne beeps her sonic screwdriver at her hair and the fire goes out.)

Y: See, you are not as good as me.
S: She may not be, but I am.

(Sarah Jane gets up and beeps her sonic lipstick at Yvonne, nothing seems to happen.)

Y: Yes, I’m waiting.

(A scientist behind Yvonne tries to strangle her using a ruler, but she elbows him in the stomach and he falls back, than he falls on the floor.)

Y: Tut, tut, I thought you were much better than this, but I must admit, you are useless.
G: Not all of us!
Y: What do you mean?

(Gwen has got up and see kicks Yvonne, who falls back. Jack gets up and uses his sonic blaster on the wall to remove a large chunk.)

CJ: Quick, get through.

(Rose, Sarah Jane, K-9, Gwen, then Jack go through the hole as Yvonne sits on her knees and cries.)

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor and the Racnoss Empress.

(The scientists hold the Doctor at the cloning machine, and the Racnoss Empress stands beside him as more scientists run around the glass containers. The force field has gone.)

RE: Ssso, Doctor, how do you think your little gang isss doing against Yvonne?
D: I hope they can save me.

(The lights dim.)

RE: It looksss like Torchwood’s power is running out.
D: Maybe my little gang are doing something.

(The lights turn backup, even more brightly than before.)

D: (Confused.) What?
RE: The power ssseems to be back up, probably one of those sixteen reserve supplies we have. Scientistsss, ssstart up the machine.

(The scientists that were inspecting the containers go to the cloning machine and press buttons at the control panel.)

RE: Now Doctor, I will clone you.
D: Can I just ask, if you clone me, wouldn’t that make two Doctors that are both against you?
RE: Good point, but no, I can change the ideasss of this new person, just like I can change the colour, ssso I might make him pink.
D: So you can make me evil?
RE: Yes, then I’ll ssstop your group and carry on with my project.
D: Fine, but not pink.
RE: Okay, fine, purple then. Scientists, ready the machine!

(The scientists hurry around the control panel more quickly.)

RE: So Doctor, how will your girlfriend survive against your evil clone.
D: Will he be as good as me in bed?
RE: Probably.
D: Oh, that’s alright then.
RE: Yes, it seems ready!

(The scientists stand back from the machine, and the scientists holding the Doctor move him towards a large hole in the machine.)

RE: Prepare to be copied!

(The Doctor is right near the entrance, but the lights suddenly dim again, and the scientists run to the cloning machine controls.)

RE: What’s happening?! This machine hasss gone offline. It must be that TARDIS group.
D: I hope it is.
RE: Ssscientists, put up a hologram of the Doctor’s gang.

(A large hologram appears in the room, it shows a large, pipe-covered room where Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Sarah Jane Smith, and K-9 are destroying wires.)

D: Looks like Yvonne and her army haven’t reached them yet.
RE: (Angry.) Where has Yvonne got to?! Ssshow me where she is!

(The hologram changes to show Yvonne in the same corridor, she is on her knees and holding a hand, she is crying over a broken nail.)

RE: Ahhh! They’ll never be stopped! But, they have not damaged thisss Tower so much that my final plan cannot be activated. Ssscientists, get ready for the final operation!

(The scientists crowd around the containers, and press small keypads on them, then they stand back. The glass breaks away to reveal around twenty Racnoss of every shape, size, and colour, each with different weapons for hands.)

Sir Leopold

Episode 13 : The Explosive End

Scene 1

Characters: The Doctor, the Racnoss Empress, and the Computer Voice.

(Scientists hold the Doctor near the cloning machine while the Racnoss Empress stands by a small army of other Racnoss.)

RE: Welcome back children, it isss ssso good to sssee you all, after millions of yearsss. I would love for you to come into a peaceful time, but there isss some gang destroying my home, your home. Find them, and repair the cablesss, and I will be happy.
D: They can repair cables?
RE: Of courssse, they will do whatever I ask.
D: Don’t you need a degree to deal with electronics?
RE: It doesss not matter. Go, go my army, and stop those pestssss.

(The Racnoss army quickly leave, except a very fat one with hammers for hands, who leaves very slowly and leaves cracks in the floor.)

D: So, this is what you were doing here.
RE: Yes, bringing back my children wasss one of my most important missionsss.
D: And what do you plan to do after all of this?
RE: My army will take over the world, and I will make a new order, with me asss Empress.
D: So what was the point of the Torchwood Online Catalogue?
RE: Do you have any idea of how much money I needed, and that would get me all the fundsss I wanted.
D: But you‘ve armed the human race with alien weapons that can easily stop you.
RE: I have consssidered that, and that’s why all productsss have a teleport function that will beam them back here if needed.
D: Can you teleport things everywhere?
RE: Of courssse.
D: Is that how the sonic screwdriver got into my pocket?
RE: Of, the fake one, yesss, that’ll be twenty two poundsss by the way.
D: So how do you think your children are doing?
RE: They’ve probably found Yvonne and are going to your friendsss right now.
D: How could they do that so quickly?
RE: They’re a ssstrong and powerful race of aliensss.
D: Including that fat one, I don’t expect him to have reached the end of the corridor yet.
RE: Silence, you will not insssult my children.
D: You had all those kids? How many fathers were there? If it’s just the one, he probably got worn out quite often.
RE: They’re not actually my children, but this way I can claim benefits for each one of them. Now, you will not speak any more, scientists, cover his mouth.

(The scientists cover the Doctor’s mouth, but they use all of their hands, and so the Doctor just pushes them aside, and runs to the machine controls.)

D: Self-destruct, self-destruct, where is it?
RE: Doctor! Prepare to die!

(The Racnoss Empress runs at the Doctor, and swings her claws, but he ducks, and she kicks him away from the controls.)

D: That wasn’t fair.
RE: All’s fair in love and war.
D: So which one is this then?
RE: Probably war.

(The Racnoss Empress runs at the Doctor, she swings her claw, but he jumps aside and she gets caught in the wall, and tries to pull her claw free. The Doctor runs back over to the controls, and the scientists run at him with rulers.)

D: Weapon? Where’s a weapon?

(The scientists stand in front of the Doctor.)

D: Eh, could you wait a second while I find a weapon, please?

(The scientists nod. The Doctor looks around and picks up a metal pipe from the floor, he swings it at the scientists, but they block with a ruler, and the Doctor and scientists fence, the Doctor slowly pushing them back, towards the Racnoss Empress, then the Doctor points at the Empress.)

D: Look at that.

(The scientists turn around to look at where the Doctor was pointing, and he goes to the control panel, and looks at the buttons.)

D: Where is this self-destruct button? Please say it has one.
RE: We have one.

(The Racnoss Empress is right behind the Doctor, and she slashes at him, but the Doctor jumps aside, and her claw it’s a huge red button labelled “Self-Destruct”.)

D: Yes!
RE: NO!

(The Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in thirty minutes.
RE: RUN!
D: I already am.

(The Doctor is running to the door, and the Racnoss Empress chases after him. The scientists still stand and stare at the wall where the Doctor pointed.)

Scene 2

Characters: Rose, Gwen, Captain Jack, Sarah Jane Smith, K-9, Yvonne Hartman, the Computer Voice, Green Racnoss, Yellow Racnoss, and Purple Racnoss.

(Rose, Gwen, Jack, Sarah Jane, and K-9 continue to destroy cables and wires in the large room shown in the hologram. The Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in thirty minutes.
R: Self-destruct?
S: It means that something is going to blow up.
R: I know what it means, I just didn’t expect it.
G: So how will we get out?
CJ: Go back to the TARDIS, I suppose.
S: It seems like a good idea.
K-9: It seems very logical.
Y: Except you won’t be able to get there.

(Yvonne stands in the doorway, her finger is in a huge bandage, and the scientists stand behind her.)

Y: I’m not going to let any of you escape.
S: Come on then, like you can stop us.
R: Just stand aside.
Y: Okay, if that’s what you really want.

(Yvonne steps aside and a Green Racnoss with long whops for hands and a Yellow Racnoss with swords for hands enter the room.)

GR: Ah, we found em’.
YR: Yeah, but what should we do?
GR: What do you mean?
YR: With this elf-destruct and all.
GR: What is a self-destruct?
R: It’s when something blows up.
GR: Oh, thanks.
YR: Now stay out of our conversation and go away.
S: That’s fine by me.

(Rose, Gwen, Captain Jack, Sarah Jane Smith, and K-9 start to leave the room while the Racnoss continue talking.)

Y: What are you two doing?! You’re meant to be getting them!
YR: Oh yeah, we are aren’t we.

(Rose, Gwen, Jack, Sarah Jane, and K-9 run out and the Racnoss chase them.)

R: Where’s the TARDIS?
S: It’s down this corridor somewhere.

(They continue down the corridor and see the TARDIS, but a Purple Racnoss with mace hands is outside it. The group stop in front of the Purple Racnoss, and the Yellow and Green Racnoss block off the back.)

PR: Ah, here’s the troublemakers.
GR: Get them!

(The Purple Racnoss swings an arm at Rose, but she ducks and uses her sonic screwdriver to destroy part of a cable on the ceiling, this drops a piece of steel onto the Purple Racnoss’s head, and she becomes dazed. Meanwhile, the Green Racnoss tries to whip Gwen, but it misses and Jack uses his sonic blaster to remove one of its legs, so he loses balance and falls over. Also, the Yellow Racnoss stabs his arms at Sarah Jane an
K-9, but K-9 drives under the Racnoss and he stabs himself in the crotch.)

YR: Ouch.

(The Yellow Racnoss faints, and the Purple Racnoss spins around, randomly swinging her arms. Everyone ducks and she hit’s the Green Racnoss, knocking him out, then the Purple Racnoss trips over.)

R: Quick, into the TARDIS.

(Rose, Gwen, Jack, Sarah Jane, and K-9 get into the TARDIS. Then Yvonne runs down the corridor with her scientists as the TARDIS door close, she tries to open them, but can’t.)

Y: They’ve locked us out, but no worries, we’ll try and escape now.

(Yvonne and the scientists run off and the Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in twenty-five minutes.

Scene 3

Characters: The Doctor, Racnoss Empress, Fat Racnoss, and the Pink Cyberman.

(The Doctor is running down a long corridor, and the Racnoss Empress is chasing him.)

RE: Doctor, stop running, I’m only going to cut your head off for all the trouble you’ve caused me, it won’t be that bad.
D: As if I’d let you do that, I don’t mind losing an arm or a leg, but my head is a little too drastic.
RE: But you’ve wreaked everything, my business and plans are all gone, and you’ll pay.
D: How much do you want?
RE: I’ve already said, I want your head.
D: How about five pounds?
RE: I don’t think that quite covers it.

(The Doctor stops as the fat Racnoss with the hammer hands blocks the way. The Racnoss Empress stops behind the Doctor.)

RE: Well done son, you’ve helped me catch the Doctor.
FR: Who’s the Doctor?
RE: The man in front of you, the man I wanted to clone because he would be so powerful with my help.
FR: No, sorry, I’ve heard or seen him.
D: Hi, it’s me she’s talking about.
FR: You don’t look like a doctor.
D: Oh, I am.
FR: Do a trick then.
RE: It’s magicians that do tricks.
D: She’s right, I can’t do tricks.

(The Fat Racnoss swings his hammer hands and becomes angry.)

FR: I want a magic trick! Do one now!
D: Okay, I’ll do a disappearing trick, close your eyes.

(The Fat Racnoss closes his eyes.)

FR: (No longer angry.) They’re closed.
D: But the Empress’s aren’t, the trick won’t work like this.
RE: I hardly think that I need…
FR: (Interrupting.) Close your eyes!
RE: Okay, they’re closed.

(The Racnoss Empress closes her eyes.)

D: And now I shall perform the trick, keep your eyes closed.

(The Doctor slowly steps past the Fat Racnoss and then runs away. After a few seconds the two Racnoss open their eyes.)

FR: It worked, he’s gone.
RE: He ran away, and that’s a bad thing, find him.

(The Racnoss Empress goes back the way she came, and the Fat Racnoss goes the way towards the Doctor.)

FR: I’ll find you, I’ll get you.

(The door to “Cybergirl” is just closing as the Fat Racnoss runs towards it. He runs into the room to she the Pink Cyberman at her chair, the window is open, and the Doctor’s shoes are visible under the curtain.)

FR: Say, did you see a magician run in here?
PC: Well, I’m not sure.

(The Doctor holds out a five pound note from behind the curtain, the Pink Cyberman takes it, and the Doctor’s hand goes back behind the curtain.)

PC: Thinking about it, I did see him, he came in here, and jumped out of the window.
FR: Should I follow him?
PC: I think that’ll be a very good idea.
FR: Thanks.

(The Fat Racnoss jumps out of the window and after a few seconds the whole building shakes. The Doctor steps out from behind the curtain.)

D: Thanks.
PC: My pleasure, I’m always happy to help when there’s money involved.
D: You should be getting out of here, this building is going to blow up.
PC: Maybe I should leave, but first, I’ve got to decide what clothes to take, I think five hats will be a good amount.
RE: You won’ have chance to take any.

(The Racnoss Empress is in the doorway.)

Scene 4

Characters: Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, K-9, Sarah Jane Smith, and Harriet Jones.

(Rose, Jack, Gwen, Sarah Jane, and K-9 are in the TARDIS.)

R: Quick! We must find the Doctor.
G: But where will he be? We’ve got about fifteen minutes left to the self-destruct, we can’t search everywhere.
S: Isn’t there some sort of ’Doctor lock-on’ mode in this TARDIS?
CJ: Is there one?
K-9: I don’t think so, I’ve never checked.
S: It’s not as if there’s an instruction manual, you can’t check.

(Harriet enters from one of the doors, she holds a huge book in her hands.)

H: Oh , hello, have you seen the library here? It’s excellent.
R: What is that you’ve got there?
H: It’s the TARDIS instruction manual.
S: Are you joking?
H: No, it’s a real guide, I can’t find where the coffee machine is, so I thought this will help.
R: I don’t care about coffee, just check to see if we can save the Doctor.
H: What heading would that be under?
CJ: I don’t know, just pass me the book.

(Jack takes the book and places it on the table, and he flips through it.)

H: How rude, I still haven’t found the location of this coffee machine yet.
G: Have you found anything yet, Jack?
CJ: No, well, nothing that will help.
S: Is the coffee machine whereabouts in there? I’m getting a little thirsty.
CJ: No I haven’t found it, and that’s because I’m not looking for it.
K-9: What have you found so far?
CJ: Everything seems to begin with ‘c’. There’s caramel dispenser, cherry tree planter, cardboard box storage, and it’s not even in any sort of order.
R: What does the front cover say?
H: Isn’t it obvious? It’s for everything that begins with ’c’. Oh, silly me, I’m looking for coffee machine, and that would be in ’p’. I shall go and get that one.
CJ: You mean there’s more?
H: Of course, there’s one for every letter, except ’z’, where there’s four.
G: Can you how us to this library?
H: I’ve forgotten where it is, I need coffee to think.
R: Quick, find that page on the coffee machine.

(Jack quickly flips through the book.)

CJ: I can’t find it.
H: That’s because it will be in the ’p’ book.
S: K-9, don’t you have a coffee-making function?
K-9: Of course, mistress.
R: So why didn’t you point it out earlier?
K-9: I didn’t want to interrupt, you all seemed so busy.
G: Just hurry up and make a cup of coffee for Harriet so she can show us this library.
K-9: Okay, black or white?
R: That’s a bit racist isn’t it?
S: No, he means black or white coffee.
H: Oh, erm, white please.
K-9: With cream or milk?
H: Milk, thank you.
K-9: Full fat, semi-skimmed, or skimmed milk?
H: I think I’ll have the semi-skimmed milk please.
CJ: How long is this going to take?
R: The Doctor could be in serious trouble.
S: These new functions take a lot of time to adjust.
K-9: Sugar, sugar cane, caster sugar, brown sugar, sugar cubes, brown sugar cubes, demerara sugar?
H: No sweeteners, it’s against my special diet.
K-9: What type of coffee bean would you like?
H: Brown ones.
K-9: Processing your coffee.

(K-9 begins vibrating slightly.)

R: How long will this take, we haven’t got that long?
G: If those questions are anything to go by, we’ll be here for a few hours.

(K-9 stops vibrating.)

CJ: Thank goodness, he’s finished.
K-9: Warmed up, beginning water-boiling process.

(K-9 begins to vibrate slightly.)

S: We can’t wait for this, can’t we just look for the library ourselves?
H: Oh, you’re looking for the library, why didn’t you say? (She points to the door she entered from.) It’s just through there.
R: Why didn’t you tell us before?
H: I didn’t want to bother you as you seemed so busy and wrapped up in your work.
G: Let’s just go.

(Jack runs into the library and comes out with a large book which is the manual of ’l’. He quickly flips through it, and stops.)

CJ: Here we go, lock-on function, it explains about a large purple button on the centre control panel labelled ’Doctor Lock-on’, and that’s what we press.
H: Oh yeah, I saw that ages ago.
R: Why didn’t you say?
H: As I said before, I don’t like to interrupt.
G: Let’s just press it.

(Gwen, Rose, and Sarah Jane search the control panel.)

Scene 5

Characters: The Doctor, Racnoss Empress, Pink Cyberman, Computer Voice, and Yvonne Hartman.

(The Doctor stands beside the Pink Cyberman in her room as the Racnoss Empress slowly enters.)

RE: End of the line, this chase is finished, we may not escape in time, but at least I would have finished you.
PC: Are you talking to me?
D: No, she’s talking to me.
PC: Oh, that’s alright then, you two can talk and I’ll sort out some hats to take.

(The Pink Cyberman goes to the wardrobe and looks through it.)

RE: Don’t bother to give the Doctor one, I’ll chop off his head and he won’t need one.
D: I’d like to see that.

(The Doctor holds up his sonic screwdriver and the Racnoss Empress jumps at him. The Pink Cyberman throws a sombrero accidentally and it covers the Racnoss Empress’s eyes, and her claw hands miss the Doctor and cut the pink chair in half.)

RE: What is this object? Where are you, Doctor?
D: I’m over here.
RE: Where’s that?

(The Doctor kicks the Racnoss Empress in the leg and she falls back, and the sombrero falls to the floor.)

RE: I’ll kill you for that.
D: You were going to kill me anyway.
PC: My chair! Who did this?!

(The Pink Cyberman is looking at the destroyed chair.)

D: She did it, the Empress did that.
PC: I’ll kill you for this.
RE: You were going to kill me anyway, oh, no, wait, you weren’t were you.

(The Pink Cyberman takes two steel hats from the wardrobe.)

RE: You’re going to kill me with a few hats? I don’t think that will work.

(The hats glow quickly and knife blades appear at the edges.)

PC: This is for my chair.

(The Pink Cyberman throws the hats, and they spin as they travel through the air. The blades cut the curtains, and splinter the furniture. The hats miss the Racnoss Empress, and the Doctor just manages to duck out of their path. The hats return, like boomerangs, to the Pink Cyberman.)

RE: I’m getting out of here.
D: So am I, she’s crazy.
PC: I am not crazy, I just want revenge for my ten pound chair, it was priceless.

(The Racnoss Empress and Doctor run out and down the corridor as the Pink Cyberman chases them, throwing the bladed hats. The Doctor keeps ducking to avoid the hats. They all run into a very large room with no thing in it. There are no doors or other exits except for the way they entered, which is blocked by the Pink Cyberman.)

PC: Excellent, you’re stuck, there’s no where for you to run, I will have my revenge.

(The Pink Cyberman suddenly explodes, and from the corridor Yvonne enters, holding a gun, and the scientists follow.)

RE: Oh, thank you Yvonne. Now let’s go.
Y: Don’t you want to finish the Doctor off first?
RE: What a good idea, how did you do against those pests in the basement?
Y: They escaped.
RE: How did they escape? You have an army.
Y: They got into the TARDIS and …
RE: (Interrupting.) And they travelled in it? So why haven’t they come to rescue the Doctor?
Y: They didn’t leave.
RE: SO why didn’t you go in?
Y: I think the door was locked.
D: That door can’t lock, I’ve got insurance, so I left out the locks.
RE: It doesn’t matter, I can take care of the Doctor now.

(The Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in ten minutes.

Scene 6

Characters: Rose, Captain Jack, Gwen, Sarah Jane Smith, K-9, Harriet Jones, The Doctor, Racnoss Empress, Yvonne Hartman, and the Computer Voice.

(Rose, Jack, Gwen, Sarah Jane, K-9, and Harriet are in the TARDIS. It’s moving and the engine system is going up and down. K-9 vibrates and Rose runs around the control panel, pressing buttons.)

R: I think we’re almost there.
S: But according to this screen there’s an unidentifiable object in the way, and so we can’t stop right next to the Doctor.
CJ: Then we need to be ready for a fight.
H: won’t be joining in, I still haven’t got my coffee.
G: That’s all she cares about, why did people vote for her in the elections?
R: I don’t think she was elected, I remember that everyone else died and so she came to power.
S: We’ll be there in five, four, three, two, one.

(The TARDIS stops its travel.)

R: Yes, we’re here, let’s go outside.
G: Wait, before we go, in case there’s a fight, we should have weapons.
CJ: Good idea.
R: Well, I’ve got a sonic screwdriver.
S: And I’ve got my lipstick.
CJ: And I’ve got a blaster, but what should Gwen have?
G: I’ve still got these.

(Gwen takes a mini bottle of “Explosive Fluid” from her pocket.)

G: It’s from the mini bar, I really wanted to keep this one.
R: It looks explosive.
S: Great, if Gwen’s okay with that, then we can go.
G: Yeah, come on.

(Rose, Gwen, Jack, and Sarah Jane leave the TARDIS to enter the large room where the Racnoss Empress and Yvonne are looking at the Doctor. The scientists wait by the only exit.)

RE: Sssso, you have decided tom turn up and save the Doctor, but it will not happen as you have lesssss than ten minutes left.
R: We’ll save the Doctor, we still have time.
D: You tell them Rose.
RE: Ssshut up! Yvonne, take care of our new quests.
Y: Of course, it’ll be my pleasure.
S: I’ll take care of Yvonne.

(Yvonne runs at Sarah Jane, holding the gun in front of her. Sarah Jane holds out her sonic lipstick, it beeps, and the gun begins to melt, leaving a pool of liquid on the floor behind Yvonne, who stops running.)

Y: That’s not fair, I’ve only got a gun, and you’ve got some lipstick. Get her, scientists!

(The scientists run at Rose, Gwen, Jack, and Sarah Jane.)

R: Jack, use your blaster to make a hole in the floor.
CJ: Sure, good idea.

(Jack uses his sonic blaster to make a hole in the floor, big enough for about ten people, the scientists run towards it as it is in the path between them and Jack. They all fall down it.)

Y: What?! More sonic devices, this is completely unfair. I’m also outnumbered.
RE: I never ssssaid this battle would be fair.
Y: I know, and I didn’t want it to be fair, I wanted it to be unfair for my enemies.
G: You should have got a sonic weapon.
R: You could have got one off of the Torchwood Online Catalogue.
Y: Well, I did order one, but it never came. But I could beat one of you if you didn’t use a sonic weapon.
G: Come on then, I’ll take you down with my drink. (She holds up the mini bottle.)
Y: Fine, come on then!

(Gwen throws the bottle at the charging Yvonne and it hits her in the foot, setting alight to her leg, she stops running.)

Y: I only just waxed these legs. You’ll pay big time for this.

(Yvonne continues to run at Gwen, but falls down the hole in the floor.)

RE: Well, now I’m at a huge disadvantage, but I prepared this room for a battle like thissss.

(The Racnoss Empress stomps her foot on the ground and most of the floor collapses, leaving a small piece of floor at one end near the exit of the room where Rose, Jack, Gwen, and Sarah Jane are, and another piece of floor on the opposite wall where the Doctor and the Racnoss Empress are.)

R: And how has this helped you?
G: There’s no way you can escape from over there.
RE: And ssso the Doctor can’t either.
D: Jack, use your sonic blaster to make a bridge.
RE: Tough luck, when this room issss activated no sssonic devices can be used.
S: I don’t believe her one bit.

(Sarah Jane tries to use her sonic lipstick, but it doesn’t even beep.)

S: She’s correct.
RE: Sssee? And now I will kill the Doctor.
H: Are you almost ready?

(Everyone turns to see Harriet and the still-vibrating K-9 leave the TARDIS.)

H: I’m still thirsty. Hurry up, quickly.
R: This isn’t the right time for a drink.
RE: Well, Doctor you’re out of luck.

(The Racnoss Empress darts at the Doctor, and he pulls out an alien pen and they dual with claws and pens.)

K-9: Coffee ready, place cup below nozzle.

(K-9’s nose moves a little and a nozzle comes out.)

H: Oh yes, it’s ready, but I haven’t got a cup, have any of you?
CJ: No, and stop with that, we must save the doctor.
G: Get into the TARDIS and lock onto him.
R: Would that work?
S: It’s worth a try.
K-9: Coffee releasing.

(K-9 stops vibrating and coffee is shot from the nose that points directly to the ground. The coffee pours out so fast that K-9 is lifted off of the floor and ‘hovers’ forward, across the gap in the floor, and towards the Doctor and Racnoss Empress.)

S: What’s happening?
R: Did you get that as a new function?
S: I don’t remember buying it.
H: Where’s my coffee going, I’ve almost got a cup now.

(K-9 continues to ‘hover’ into the dual between the Doctor and Racnoss Empress, who haven’t seen K-9. The Empress stands very close to the edge of the floor, and K-9 ’flies’ into her and knocks her off balance. She falls back, and into the gap, where she is splattered onto solid ground a few floors below.)

D: Thanks K-9, quick, we’ve got to get out now.

(K-9 stops a next to the Doctor, but he is still hovering, and the Doctor climbs onto his back, and turns K-9 around and they ‘hover’ back over to the TARDIS, where the Doctor gets to the floor, and K-9 stops shooting coffee, and also falls to the floor. The Computer Voice speaks.)

CV: Self-destruct in thirty seconds.
R: Quickly, into the TARDIS.
S: Get everyone inside, then we can leave.

(Everyone quickly gets into the TARDIS and the engines sound as the box begins to disappear.)

CV: Self-destruct in five, four, three, two, one.

(The TARDIS finishes disappearing as the room explodes.)

Scene 7

Characters: The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, Captain Jack, Sarah Jane Smith, Harriet Jones, Toshiko Sato, and K-9.

(The Doctor, Rose, Gwen, Jack, Sarah Jane, and K-9 are sitting in Rose’s front room in the flat.)

D: Well, this little problem seems to have wrapped up quite nicely if you ask me.
R: I agree, and it was ever so fun.
S: But the Doctor almost died earlier on.
G: But we managed to save him in time.
CJ: Actually, K-9 saved him.
R: Very true there, and then we bought the TARDIS back here for some lunch.
D: Whatever happened to Bilis Manger?
CJ: Why bring that up?
D: Well, I’ve just remembered him, was he in the building when it blew up?
S: I have no idea.
G: Do you know, K-9?
K-9: Sorry mistress, but I have no data on any events in Torchwood, all I can think of is coffee.
R: Talking of hot drinks, where’s Harriet with that tea, I’ve dying for a cup?
S: So, Doctor, what do you plan to do after this?
D: I’m not sure, maybe me, Rose, Jack, and Gwen could go out to a nice restaurant for a meal.
CJ: That sounds like a great idea.

(Toshiko enters with suitcases.)

T: Hello everyone.
CJ: Hi, Toshiko, did you enjoy your holiday in Japan?
T: Yes, it was wonderful.
R: Who are you? And how did you find your way here?
T: Oh sorry, where are my manners? I’ve Toshiko Sato, a member of Torchwood, I located Jack’s vortex manipulator and got here by that.
S: Well, come on in, we’ll have some tea in a few minutes.

(A timer rings in ten kitchen and the Doctor gets up and leaves.)

R: His sausages must be ready.

(The Doctor enters with a tray of sausages, and Harriet enters with cups of tea, that she hands out to everyone. Everyone also takes a sausage and eats some of it.)

G: These sausages are excellent.
H: What’s your secret?
S: They’re so moist and juicy.
D: I cook them in condoms.

(Everyone except the Doctor and Rose spits out their sausage and quickly drinks some tea, then they cough and choke.)

CJ: hat’s in this tea, it’s so hot?
T: It’s like it’s burning my mouth.
H: Well, of course it would, I made it the correct way, one hundred percent acid.