gods GOOD script: the quest for the last of the summer wine

god · gods GOOD script: the quest for the last of the summer wine

The quest for the last of the summer wine.

Characters: wine maker, mill man, mill mans wife, baker, butcher

The date is 1564 AD and there is a celebration going on to celebrate the day of the god of wine Bacchus and the towns people have all gathered in the square to see the wine maker making the finest wine.

WM: ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls I give you my fabulous new invention that will allow me to make the finest wine there is (he walks over to the machine which is being pulled by 6 cows and a horse.) I will now start the machine (he whips the animals) MOVE!! (Animals start to move in a circle around a mill stone as several ropes and cogs start to move as well and soon there is a small trickle of wine pouring out) I will now add my special ingredient (he takes a pinch of something out of a black bag and drops it into the wine that is pouring into 4 clear bottles and gave it a stir) now I don’t want you to be worried I can make some more but this wine must be preserved for at least 1000 years before it is at it's full potential you see the mill man,
His wife and the butcher have been experimenting and I think you’ll find that the effects are quite wonderful. (He gets off the stage taking the bottles, which are now sealed, and leaving to go to his home)

MM: me and me wife `ave gone and discovered a way that, that there wine functions on the body of a human now me wife`ll tell ya all some more here about that beverage. (He takes a swig of wine and runs off at the speed of light)

MMW: yes now I’m here to tell you as my husband demonstrated just now that the wine can give you superhuman powers. Why just last week we gave some wine to a bull and he aint been able to keep still he been crashing through 17 barns where as before he could barely go though a stack of hay now this next man shall tell you about more ( she drinks some wine and flies off into the distance)

BA: me and the butcher (who steps onto the stage) have been working with the mill man and his wife to find that seeing as it is summer we will now name the wine THE SUMMER WINE and it must be scattered throughout the land and hope that one day people will find it and bring joy to the world once more.

It is the year 2007 and DR S. Zhivago is looking at a patient with a swollen nose

Z: well Mr Connnway I have to say that there is no disease in your nose the hugeness is purely genetical there is no cure for big-nose-ness yet until the year 4010.

C: (he looks sadly at the DR) are you sure there is nothing that you can do then I will have to go (he leaves)

DZ: well another satisfied patient then (she walks to the window) I am so happy that my nurse was kind enough to lend me those drugs I feel so happy (the drugs wear off) what on earth was I saying to that patient? I can’t believe that I was so rude to him I had better get back down stairs quick (she runs down the stairs and trips on her skirt that sends her crashing into an antique vase which a patient was holding onto named professor dog biscuits PD grabs her to stop her from landing on the broken shards of the vase)

PD: you have to be careful or you could have been sent over into your doom. (He touches her and he sees her death looking angrily at him from down on the ground floor) god I hate those things.

DZ: you hate what?

PD: I hate deaths.

DZ do you mean the funeral kind of death or another kind?

PD: another kind they say that certain people when they are born they have the ability to see peoples deaths which are basically part of you and when it is time for you to die it taps you on the shoulder and pushes you to your doom. But over time as you get older they start to become less visible and harder to see now I can only see them when I touch someone.

DZ: your freaky you are you freak me out you do you should be put in a home.

PD: you don’t have any evidence

DZ: I have you as evidence

PD: fair point but you cant blame me

DZ: i have you as my evidence and if you dont give up then i will have to have some fun in the closet over there ..

PD:what happens in the closet?

god

here is some more
PD: fair point but you can’t blame me for being gifted

DZ: for being weird more like, any way… when did this conversation start?

N

A nurse enters) here’s the cocaine for you doctor.

DZ: thanks now I can …. Uh …. Treat a patient with boils (she sniffs the cocaine) ah that’s better.

PD: you’re a drug addict?

DZ: (she looks calmly at him) can I help you?

PD: (pulls out a note pad and a long flaming pen setting the woman who was sitting next to him setting her hair alight where she runs off to the nearest fruit shop) so you’re a druggie and a amnesiac.

DZ: you look like you need a cigarette.

PD: you look like you need a doctor.

DZ: I need a drink…

PD: you need to stay off the drugs.

N: so… can I go now? (She backs away and trips over a gold rimmed chair and falls out of an open window) AHHH! (Splat)

DZ: Don’t tell me what I can’t do! (The drugs wear off) where did that nurse go I didn’t say she could leave early!

PD: (on the phone) yeah we need an ambulance and possibly a space at the cemetery.

DZ: oh look! (She looks at a poster) there’s a competition going on and the winner gets a life supply of illegal cannabis and a life long jail sentence for finding 3 bottles of wine.

PD: the summer wine?

DZ: yeah, weird it is though.

PD: but there have been all sorts of theories that say the wine represents 4 signs of power: strength, speed, size and umm... Immortality although I think that one was lost and the maker died with his secret.

DZ: so it’s a treasure hunt?

PD: Yeah so shall we go find it then?

DZ: Of course, but first I have to wash my hair and choose what to wear, it won’t take a minute….
13 hours later…
PD: are you done yet?

DZ: almost I wonder what will go best with my hair. The pink seashell necklace or the red ruby necklace?

PD: The ruby necklace.

DZ: are you sure?

PD: we’re going on a treasure hunt not a posh night club were you have to duck constantly or risk being hit by drunk poshies (short for rich posh people who are in a constant state of semi-drunkenness) who are swinging their monocles around like a lethal weapon.

DZ: that’s the Ritz posh dance hall.

PD: next to the old trampy original crumbling structure of the Ritz dance hall.

DZ: yeah. So ruby right?

PD: yeah.

DZ: (exits her bedroom with flaming purple hair) what do you think?
PD: (Shocked) Bloody hell what in gods name have you done!!

DZ: I think that a green dress goes well with emerald hiking boots and a ruby necklace and cream coloured shirt with blue jacket and I dyed my hair purple incase we get lost.

PD: what as a SOS beacon?

DZ: yeah, it can even do this (she tugs at a strand of hair and a small firework flies out smashing through the ceiling and exploding to spell:’ the reason that this launchable distress signal has been jettisoned is because the people below me have been put into a terrible moment of danger and in other words, they need hel…’

PD: hmm.

DZ: yeah it needs some minor tweaks, give me a minute…

PD: we don’t have a minute the 42 day race starts in a few minutes.

DZ: okay then we’ll use the brooms

PD: can they fly?

DZ: no but they look good walking on them.

PD: what use is that?

DZ: No use at all, I tell you what we can use the ‘moo powder’

PD: Moo powder! What the hell is that?!

DZ: it’s how I get around so fast and so noisily.

PD: let’s do it then! (DZ takes him to a radiator with a cow next to it)

DZ: squeeze the udders until powder comes out and drop it in the funnel. (he does it)
Then sit on the radiator in the orange smoke and yell were you want to go.

PD: is it painful?

DZ: painful? Very. I’ve still got the scars from where I bashed into a spiky bit. (she rolls up her skirt to show a huge gash in her leg)

PD; ew. So lets do this then (he sits on the radiator in the thick orange smoke that is belching out of the funnel and he yells whilst choking) FENTAL FALLY!!(he is (unbelievably and)painfully sucked down the pipe and through the radiator and after minutes of being bashed around and steamed beyond recognition he finally arrived on top of a woman who was lighting her cigarette next to a old boiler)

W: agh!
PD: sorry
W: my cigarette!
PD: what about it?
W: I swallowed it!
PD: oh dear (he climbs off of her as her stomach acid ignites and burns her to ashes)
DZ: (arrives and brushes steamed coli flour out of her hair) I landed in someone’s cooking pot! They were steaming vegetables, the Nerve, don’t they know that moo powder uses steam to travel and you’re likely to end up in somewhere that has steam coming from it!
PD: no I didn’t know that!
DZ: and it’s illegal. You have to roast your vegetables.
PD: what a stupid law.
DZ: It is not it is rule 700,456,334,300 precisely
PD: wow that’s a lot of rules
DZ: yeah most are just made up because the government were trying to find new ways to fine people and make more money that they spend on giving tramps a hard time trying to find a home and a good source of food.
PD: so they put it to good use then
DZ: yeah. So this is the famous fental Fally a bit high up aren’t we? (She walks to the edge of a cliff where the valley sweeps out below them) I ken the person who named it had a buck tooth and it should be called... (PD slaps his hand over her mouth)
PD: now, now we don’t want to get sued for misuse of names
DZ: but I blame the person who pronounces their Vs as Fs just wait till I get him to say Vuck then he’ll end up saying …
PD: Merry Christmas!
DZ: really? (She gives him a present that she was hiding in between her breasts)
PD: thanks (he hears ticking and throws it of the side and jumps back as it blows up a petrol station killing 5 people)

god

DZ:ok lets go *giggles* oh look a illiegal drug shop
PD*slaps her around the face* Concentrate girl!
DZ: huh, where am I?, who are you?
PD:*hits forehead*oh god what have I done?
(they run down the hill and to the starting line, where there are thousands of people in diffrent cars and planes all waiting to go)
PD:what now?!*he looks over and sees DZ pouring tar all over track and chaining planes to poles she then puts the bottle of tar in her pear shaped handbag (despite the fact that it is quite small) it soon vanishes into its dark depths *
DZ:*cackles* this should be fun * she pulls out a bottle of whisky* fancy a beverage anyone?

god

*she pulls a long ladder fro her handbag and lines it up against the speaker and pours the whisky into it* ooh its soo good to be mean!

PD:what did you just do?
DZ:you'll see*the speaker comes on*.
S:ladies and gentelmen*interferance*... the following people are eliminated... evreyone in planes and cars, thank you.* a gunshot goes off in the distance*
PD:what was that?
DZ: I put Babbaling beverage in the speaker, now it can't say anything right.
S:ladies and gentelmen*interferance*... I eat frogs!
PD:I see what you mean...